Frustrated anxiety... making me feel depressed

[lior]

I've been anxious for a few days - I've been doing very well otherwise. My project was floating at uni - everyone else seems to have something solid to design, like a catapult or a shop or something. I didn't know what to design and I didn't want to design a toolkit, as my tutor suggested, because I don't think I could make it well.

So I hit on an idea, with a way of showing it - a video diary framework for people to track their well-being through, and it could be done in a website format. I really wanted my tutor to like it - finally I felt I had something to hold on to that could really be designed rather than something intangible.

I told her about it and she reacted very badly. She was terribly negative, criticised every element of it, nothing positive was said. I backed up my idea saying that there wasn't anything else like it, I've looked hard on Google - but she still said it feels like it's been done! I know it hasn't been done. She just doesn't want me to do a website. It's not fair, everyone else has something to hold on to and I've been pushed back into the dark.

Despite all the negative things she said, the idea remains pretty much with the same aim and the same result, she just suggested a different route of delivery. I'm fine with that - what I'm not fine with is that she made it all sound wrong, like I'm doing the wrong thing, and I need to have confidence in my work - and that was the last tutorial for a month. So much can change in a week. I don't know how I can cope. I'm not coping - I left uni halfway through the day to come home and cry.

I really needed her to support me and it doesn't feel as though she has. I know that what she is doing is pushing me further so that I will do the best project I possibly can do. But it's so hard.

I'm sick of being a superhero! I'm sick of that bloody decrepit building and I'm sick of not knowing what I'm allowed to do. One moment I can do a toolkit, the next, I can design a framework but I'm not allowed to say whether it's a website, book, or cards of something. She's making me do it the hard way. As soon as I get excited and happy about an idea - boom. It's not right. And that rule was probably made up on the spot.

But maybe if I were a lesser student she would have encouraged me to do it just as a website and not question it. Or maybe she was just feeling bitchy this morning. She was late for our appointment by 20 mins. I need my work to be straightforward now and she's just made it way complicated again.

It's times like these that I want uni to just be over with.

Thanks for being my portal for depressed/anxious rants.

[littleredhen]

Maybe she is just pushing you - you said yourself, she's making you do it the hard way! Maybe she is treating you the same way a potential employer would - ie maybe she is saying that the employer migth change their brief and if you don't come up with what they want, then they will reject it.

Lots of "maybes" I know!

What year are you in?

Are there other tutors in the department that you can bounce ideas off - even if just informally.

I'm afraid I have zero understanding of your topic and technicalities of it, but I do know that if you are depressed or anxious about it then you will be taking it much more personally than your tutor is probably implying. Perhaps you should talk to your tutor about your lack of confidence and your need for a few more positive strokes, or better direction?

If not, then go and find someone else to talk to - do you have a Student Services department? Don't bottle it up and quit!

[lior]

I'm in final year... 3 weeks to go til the presentation exam.

I knuckled down and worked goddam hard over the last month - that was Easter. No break. I mostly had weekends off. She's aware that I had issues in the past but I think she was trying to push me. We don't speak the same language, I'm trying my best to learn it. I sent her a long email and she promised to reply by now but she hasn't, I know she's busy so fair enough, but I'm so so stressed out about whether I've done the right things that I'm probably more anxious than I've ever been before.

I'm so awake I can't sleep, and it's very rare for me to not be able to sleep.

I frequently shake. I have nosebleeds when I'm stressed and I have them often these days. I've only started being teary today. Term starts tomorrow and I haven't had a break. I tried to have a weekend off but I was too stressed to not work. I end up crying at the computer while getting things done - I make myself do it.

I feel like there is electricity in my wrists and my hands are a bit numb, and my head aches. I've never felt these weird wrist/hand things before, it's horrible, I sympathize greatly with anyone that suffers from this.

There are other tutors but this one is my mentor and she is the one whose opinion counts when it comes to grading. I've been trying to persuade myself off caring so much about grades but I can't do it. Sometimes I believe it's not everything, but I want that reward. If I don't get it, there has been a failure somewhere. I've put in so so much work and effort that I deserve a reward. There are other rewards that come with the work I'm doing, such as understanding the world better, but the reward I have come to expect from academic study is a grade. It's the fault of the schooling system. I'm battling to overcome this but I'm not doing well.

The old 'I want to die' voice is back, I'm hoping it's just temporary for this week.

I don't believe I will get emotional support from any tutor and I don't want to see a councellor. I don't have much emotional support at home because my parents don't know how to give it, because of their own emotional problems. My boyfriend and I had an argument in the weekend which he says he's over but I still feel him holding back from me. I feel alone and frazzled, I wish I could just relax enough to have a real break.

[Gregor]

I don't believe I will get emotional support from any tutor and I don't want to see a councellor.

I don't agree that you 'shouldnt' get emotional support from a tutor. Part of their job is to ensure their students are supported in every way whilst studying.

It's true, though, that not all tutors have people skills or are prepared to give the proper support, for whatever reason. So, if you feel your tutor is not approachable enough to provide emotional support, it would certainly help to get advice from another. Maybe they could help or even let your tutor know just how unstable you are.

It would be extremely unjust for them to let you fail because you have an illness. If you were physically disabled, you would get extra support - the same applies for someone like yourself also.