am i being selfish?

[sickandtired]

Hi again
Whilst Im doing extremely well and havent suffered with a panic attack for 3 months......I have just made a decision that although protects me,has broke my daughters heart and I feel so guilty,but I cannot back down.
Last year,my daughter went on a school trip to France and along with other things what happened around this time,and comparing how good I feel now I am now positive I have suffered a breakdown.
I am doing so well,even got a job and feeling so happy.Its just so amazing how different I am feeling,I feel like I have to pinch myself.
Then....my daughters friend rings up and invites her on a holiday with her and her parents to Gran Canaria and I have said,Im sorry but..... no.
She has gone mental saying I never let her do anything etc etc,crying and having a major tantrum.
I just couldnt cope with the endless worrying again.She promised to ring me and text me every night...(hmmm like she did in France??)
I feel guilty but I am adamant and will not back down.She has just gone 13 and I know I have to let go at some point,but not now.
I just know I,ll fall to pieces again.
Ive come a long way and have given my children much more freedom.....playing out more,going to the shop,going town,cinema etc
Its nothing to do with her friends family,I trust them completely.....its me.....I just cant budge on this one.
I think if it was in this country for just a week.....Im sure I,d be okay with it....but abroad again....so far away........I just cant do it :weep:

[Rach29]

Hi im glad your doing so well and it must be hard letting your children go away to another country on there own but your daughter is only 13 she has plenty of time to do this when shes older even if it is with her friend and her friends parents your not selfish your just being a parent maybe as she gets older and your anxiety gets better you will allow her it is completly your desicion :)

[Beckybooboo]

Hi,

One thing that you must remember, is that your daughter will still love you even if she is able to go/not able to go.

The temporary happiness that you will imply from saying yes to your daughter will make her feel good, but right now, you're the parent and as far as I'm concerned you're right in what you are saying.

My mum is a single parent and my sister is 16, she's fine with my sister going on holiday this year but I'm besides myself with worry and anguish! Even though I've been alone on my own before and it's not all that great, if anything, I regret going as I really missed my mum and I'm 19 nearly 20!

You're being a parent, allow her to calm down and maybe speak to her about why you feel this way, don't highlight the initial doubt that you feel, but highlight the care and consideration for her welfare and although it may not seem beneficial in the short term, I will place money on it that she'll thank you in years to come.

[sickandtired]

aw thanks for your quick reply.
Its the cost as well!! we are having a new kitchen this year and although we usually go abroad every year I dont think we,ll be able to afford it this year.We are still having nice weekends away and days out though.....kids dont know how lucky they are these days!!!!!

---------- Post added at 19:59 ---------- Previous post was at 19:55 ----------

Thanks Beckybooboo....yes you are right....she will still love me,I,ll just give her a day to cool off....Ive just tried to explain a little,but she,s not listening atm.....just thinks Im spoiling her fun.......
I really dont want to upset her,but I think it would make me so very ill to give in again x
I honestly went mad with worry when she went to France

[Beckybooboo]

I don't blame you, it's not only that it's that when people are young they have no concept of money, I never did! I used to be so selfish and it's only when I finally got my full time job last year that I realized, wow, this costs ALOT!!!

Of course it would, you're not alone in this, if anything, I feel that many parents nowadays wouldn't like their child to leave the country so young.. I'm sure as hell I wouldn't!

Listen, do what you said, don't ruminate and focus on the future and focus on what you've achieved not what you could lose again. You're gonna be fine. x

[sickandtired]

thank you :flowers: x

[Beckybooboo]

:bighug1:

[nicola1980]

I think youve made the right decision, i wouldnt allow my son to go either x x

[committeddoxy]

Hi,

People thought I was overprotective when I refused to let my son go on a German Exchange visit. I'm sure I might the right decision for my family.

Stick to your guns. It won't do children any harm to know there's a budget and a limit to how stretchy our apron strings can be.

My parents were the other way, sending me to Africa on my own for 6 weeks as a ten year old to stay with near strangers, then Edinburgh, and Oslo, switzerland, France, and germany. They basically got rid of us every holiday. Your daughter knows you love her. That's the important bit.

All the best to you.

Doxy

[Anxious_gal]

All I can think about is that movie Taken.
At 13 no way should she leave the country without you !
Please don't feel bad , being a good mum sometimes Means upsetting your child.

[blueangel]

I'd also use the issue of the money as a means of explaining it to her as well, so that she can get her head around the idea that it's not just about *her*. Kids are usually self-centred until they learn not to be, as in a child's mind the whole universe revolves around them.

It might be worth using this as a negotiating tool to get her to be a bit more grown-up as well - offer the opportunity to go away with her friend (+family) for a weekend in a few months time, then that gives you the chance to adapt to her not being there for a short period of time in a safer situation.

[alfredo1]

Whilst I agree with you, I am trying to see if from your daughters point of view too.

My mother was very over protective of me and I think sometimes, this has led me and my sister to be anxious, nervous people. Because my mum was quite a scared of the world type of person, it’s definitely had an effect on my independence and also and also about being responsible. I was never allowed to be responsible because was always smothered etc.

Are they are nice family? Do you know them well? If you were going on a family holiday and your daughter wanted to take someone along and their mum was worried/anxious – what would you say to her to reassure her?

Anyway, sorry for poking my nose in but I know what it feels like. My mum wouldn’t let me go to a New Kids on the Block concert at 14 and I kicked off big time…………………I’ll never forget that.

I resented my mum sometimes, because of her anxieties, I missed out on fun!

Anyway, just putting a differnet spin on it.

When I’m a Mamma (God, I really hope I am one day) then I guess I know what it feel like

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

[JoJoR]

I definitely don't think you are being selfish. You have 2 very good reasons for her to not go....
1) You feel she's too young to go away abroad without you..(as do I)
2) Your finances do not allow the extra expense at the moment.

You mustn't feel guilty about saying no. You have made the right decision for your family at this moment in time. I don't think you need to apologise for that. Just give her some time to come around but be careful to not over compensate with other "treats" to make yourself or her feel more pacified. She'll just think she can stamp her feet and sulk to get them in the future otherwise. Good luck. Stick to your guns x

[sickandtired]

I get what you are saying Alfredo,but I really dont feel as though Im smothering her (although I have been a bit too over protective in the past)
....its the fact its abroad......they are a lovely family and she sleeps over at their house often (even with my obsession with smoke alarms!) I feel for her age,I give her enough freedom.It is a hard decision for me,but Im pretty sure its the right one at the moment.
I would have no qualms in letting her go in this country for a week.Its a four hour flight to Gran Canaria.....I know exactly what state I,d be in ....hopefully when she gets older,I will be more relaxed...just dont feel quite ready to let go yet