saturdayschild
28-03-12, 13:34
I am a newbie here and until I found this forum I thought that I was going mad. Now I have read some of your posts and also the really helpful article on “health anxiety” I’ve realised that I am not alone. Some of the symptoms described in the article – I was amazed – it could have been describing how I feel, most of the time. I’m really sorry for the long post but would welcome any thoughts.
Im not sure really when it started. I have always been a pessimistic person, expecting the worst. I think it is a family trait, my dad used to have a motto – expect nothing and you will never be disappointed. My Mum is also very superstitious and believes the family never have any good luck. I think these things all influence you when you are growing up. They also brought me up with a great sense of responsibility, as if I have to organise everything and if does not go to plan then it’s my fault. I’m not trying to blame them, just work out why I am like this.
Now I come to think about it the family does have a bit of problem with mental illness, so perhaps I should not be surprised. When I was ten my mother had some sort of nervous breakdown and my father had a breakdown too, round about the same time. They called it manic depression at the time but I’ve since been told that’s now bi-polar. He was on drugs until he died. Everyone seems to think I am remarkably calm and level headed now – if only they knew what went on inside. I did have a bit of depression ten years ago when going through a divorce and got prescribed amitriptyline and had a bit of counselling, only two sessions.
In recent months though, it’s been getting worse. I keep thinking there is something wrong with me, that I’ve got cancer ( I am terrified even to type the word) and I am going to die and then I won’t be able to do everything I’ve planned. I’m 47 now and I’m pretty sure the menopause is on its way, so I wonder if this is a factor. I’ve not spoken to anyone about it, and try to keep out of the doctors as much as possible so haven’t mentioned anything there. In fact, I’m so scared of having cancer that I haven’t had a smear test for nearly ten years. This is something I’m trying to force myself to do though, hopefully in the next few months.
About two months ago I went to the doctors because I had a sensitive feeling under my left rib and I was convinced I could feel a lump. I didn’t get a very sympathetic response, the (young female) doctor just said she thought if there was anything there then it was a cyst but she could not feel anything and it was all normal and I should not worry about it. She did examine me thoroughly. I had no other symptoms, it was just if I pressed it it was sensitive, I wouldn’t say painful – she just said well if it hurts when you press it, don’t press it…… easier said than done.
Just two weeks ago we were on holiday. I had been ill with a cold the week before and had to work really hard to get my work up to date to be away. I was ok the first couple of days, but then I kept getting pains in my back and in my upper stomach area. Bit gassy too. The pains moved about, but generally on right hand side. It has continued since and of course, once back home I started doing the old Google thing and have decided that I have got any number of terminal illnesses. The thing is – if I don’t think about it or I am doing something else, nothing hurts. If I let the thoughts in my head take over and start poking and prodding, then it feels sensitive. No other symptoms. Still got pains in my back and shoulder but am pretty sure that is the computer. I can be hunched over the computer working for up to ten hours a day. I wonder if the stomach thing is something to do with that too..? Oh dear, self-diagnosing again.
Now I’m not sure what to do really. One problem I think is that I work from home and I am on my own all day. I rarely talk to anyone. I’m not sure this is actually good for anyone. A plan, which I admit was devised by me, may also be adding to my problems. I actually want to live in our house in France and my husband, who is retired, is already there with our (my) dog. We still have some debts to pay off here in the UK and need a bit of a cushion of funds, so I decided that I would carry on working here and go out there every three weeks for long weekends. According to my plan I have to do this for another 20 and 26 months. I think this is making me feel under tremendous pressure, added to the fact that I am terrified of flying. I keep worrying that I will be ill and we won’t be able to live there and…you know how it is, it just keeps going round and round in your head until you feel sick.
Now I have typed it all out I feel a bit better. Will just have to keep plodding on and trying not think I am ill, or poking and prodding. Not sure if I should go back to Doctor though, she was so horrible I’m sure she thinks I’m just a stupid middle aged woman. Thanks for reading, if you’ve got this far.
Im not sure really when it started. I have always been a pessimistic person, expecting the worst. I think it is a family trait, my dad used to have a motto – expect nothing and you will never be disappointed. My Mum is also very superstitious and believes the family never have any good luck. I think these things all influence you when you are growing up. They also brought me up with a great sense of responsibility, as if I have to organise everything and if does not go to plan then it’s my fault. I’m not trying to blame them, just work out why I am like this.
Now I come to think about it the family does have a bit of problem with mental illness, so perhaps I should not be surprised. When I was ten my mother had some sort of nervous breakdown and my father had a breakdown too, round about the same time. They called it manic depression at the time but I’ve since been told that’s now bi-polar. He was on drugs until he died. Everyone seems to think I am remarkably calm and level headed now – if only they knew what went on inside. I did have a bit of depression ten years ago when going through a divorce and got prescribed amitriptyline and had a bit of counselling, only two sessions.
In recent months though, it’s been getting worse. I keep thinking there is something wrong with me, that I’ve got cancer ( I am terrified even to type the word) and I am going to die and then I won’t be able to do everything I’ve planned. I’m 47 now and I’m pretty sure the menopause is on its way, so I wonder if this is a factor. I’ve not spoken to anyone about it, and try to keep out of the doctors as much as possible so haven’t mentioned anything there. In fact, I’m so scared of having cancer that I haven’t had a smear test for nearly ten years. This is something I’m trying to force myself to do though, hopefully in the next few months.
About two months ago I went to the doctors because I had a sensitive feeling under my left rib and I was convinced I could feel a lump. I didn’t get a very sympathetic response, the (young female) doctor just said she thought if there was anything there then it was a cyst but she could not feel anything and it was all normal and I should not worry about it. She did examine me thoroughly. I had no other symptoms, it was just if I pressed it it was sensitive, I wouldn’t say painful – she just said well if it hurts when you press it, don’t press it…… easier said than done.
Just two weeks ago we were on holiday. I had been ill with a cold the week before and had to work really hard to get my work up to date to be away. I was ok the first couple of days, but then I kept getting pains in my back and in my upper stomach area. Bit gassy too. The pains moved about, but generally on right hand side. It has continued since and of course, once back home I started doing the old Google thing and have decided that I have got any number of terminal illnesses. The thing is – if I don’t think about it or I am doing something else, nothing hurts. If I let the thoughts in my head take over and start poking and prodding, then it feels sensitive. No other symptoms. Still got pains in my back and shoulder but am pretty sure that is the computer. I can be hunched over the computer working for up to ten hours a day. I wonder if the stomach thing is something to do with that too..? Oh dear, self-diagnosing again.
Now I’m not sure what to do really. One problem I think is that I work from home and I am on my own all day. I rarely talk to anyone. I’m not sure this is actually good for anyone. A plan, which I admit was devised by me, may also be adding to my problems. I actually want to live in our house in France and my husband, who is retired, is already there with our (my) dog. We still have some debts to pay off here in the UK and need a bit of a cushion of funds, so I decided that I would carry on working here and go out there every three weeks for long weekends. According to my plan I have to do this for another 20 and 26 months. I think this is making me feel under tremendous pressure, added to the fact that I am terrified of flying. I keep worrying that I will be ill and we won’t be able to live there and…you know how it is, it just keeps going round and round in your head until you feel sick.
Now I have typed it all out I feel a bit better. Will just have to keep plodding on and trying not think I am ill, or poking and prodding. Not sure if I should go back to Doctor though, she was so horrible I’m sure she thinks I’m just a stupid middle aged woman. Thanks for reading, if you’ve got this far.