New - anxiety or depression, confused :(

[beckyrr]

Hi everyone

I've been reading this forum for a while and a lot of the comments have really helped me in the past, but I thought I should finally register and start contributing and I also need a bit of direct advice now I guess. Bare with me, it might be a long one...

I began suffering panic attacks which were fairly mild and not very often about 3 years ago when my parents divorced (I'm 23 now). I was also in a very bad relationship with someone who suffered terrible depression for his whole adult life and was taking medication for 5 years. I was very unhappy in the relationship and so I ended things. For about a year and a half I had no anxiety problems or panic attacks, I got my confidence back and everything was going really well.

Then a year ago (almost to the day) I had a really bad car accident, my nan passed away and I lost my job. Things started catapulting out of my control and I dealt with everything in my stride and focused on all the positives. Everything was very stressful but not once did it get the better of me as I had so much support from everyone around me. All of a sudden in November, I had the worst panic attack I have ever had. It was completely out of the blue and I literally felt like my thoughts were going crazy and I had a million different thoughts whizzing round my head. I managed to calm down but since then my anxiety has got so bad.

I was suffering so badly with anxiety (particularly about being ill, and panicking about having a panic attack in a public place) that I decided to go to the doctors. When I saw him I started crying, I think because it was really upsetting me and I was also quite embarrassed to admit I needed help as I have always been so independent. He immediately said that I was depressed, and needed medication. He prescribed me Citalopram and sent me off on my way feeling frightened and confused.

My problem is, I genuinely don't think I am depressed. I am a very happy person, I laugh all day, I'm motivated and ambitious but my anxiety is an issue. Since I saw the doctor my anxiety hs got even worse, as now I'm thinking 'oh I must be in denial, wow my mind really is out of control' and I now I have intrusive thoughts of suicide. I don't want to kill myself but I feel like since the doctor told me I'm depressed my mind has been in a constant battle trying to decide whether or not he was right.

I decided not to take the tablets and I absolutely think it was the right decision for me, as I'm so confused and really wasn't expecting that to be the outcome. I was hoping to be referred to a therapist for CBT for my anxiety.

It has made my anxiety a million times worse, and I now have this irrational fear that I am losing control and I'm fearful that I'm going to actually be depressed and suicidal, I also worry that if these thoughts are popping into my mind in the first place then maybe the doctor is right and I am actually depressed?

Has anyone else ever been told they are 'just depressed' but actually you are just suffering from anxiety? I know the two are very closely linked and that one can lead to the other, but I just hate that this doctor has planted doubt in my mind - leading to more fear of losing control of my mind/thoughts!!

Goodness me that was so long winded. To anyone who read all of that I congratulate you. I'm really looking for some words of comfort from anyone who has been misdiagnosed, or in a similar situation!!

x x x x x x x

[Josie]

Aww Becky you have really been through it haven't you?! I'm sorry to hear that things have got worse rather than better after seeing your doctor. Is there any chance you can go back and talk to a different doctor? You were so brave in the first place to discuss all of your thoughts and feelings with him, and it's terrible that you've came a way feeling more confused. My advice would be to go back and say exactly what you have written here - the fact that you are happy person and also that you would like information about CBT. I know it will be difficult to go back, but I think it's important that you try.

From my own personal experience my doctor prescribed me with Citalopram and it is anxiety that I suffer from. I know this medication is prescribed for sufferers of both depression and/or anxiety, so I hope that you can take comfort in the fact that the medication should start to help you after approximately 6 weeks.

Take care hun and I hope that this situation gets sorted for you.

Jo :hugs:

[Beckybooboo]

Hi Becky, I'm a Becky too!

Ahh, gosh, I know how you feel! I'm 19 and my anxiety spiraled out of control at the end of January this year, all from my ex sending his condolences for my dog being put down! I then began to doubt my own fidelity, my own relationship, who I am and I'm pretty certain I've asked every guy I've been with if I was with my boyfriend at the time of being with them!

The thing is with anxiety, is it leads to more questioning and doubts in your head, and although you KNOW the answers, they cast your judgement for you and the doubts are almost real as they fill your mind with false memories and assumptions that regrettably and very very sadly, you will believe because your mind is vulnerable.

I'm on the brink of losing my boyfriend as I believe my OWN false memories, I constantly think that something has happened when I know in my heart I would have remembered? Trying to ignore the intrusion will only make things worse, but, reassurance in the short term will make things seem a lot better.

Why don't you weigh up a list of pros and cons with your life, what you can achieve and remember yourself back at your happiness and set small targets for you getting back to that. Like, your favourite foods or your favourite smells, little teeny tiny things that'll have you back on the road to YOU in your own time.

One thing to remember through all of this, you are NOT your thoughts. Because if you felt that much of an impulse for them, you wouldn't be questioning them on here and with others.

You're going to do fine, get some CBT and self help books and I thoroughly suggest listing what makes you happy. Do one thing a day for 30 days and see how you feel.

Always here if you need to talk. Take care. x

[beckyrr]

Thank you so much for your replies!

Josie that's really reassuring to hear about the medication, I'm still reluctant to take it, but good to know that if things get really bad then it can actually help.

Becky - oh I can so relate to your reply!! You're so right about thoughts becoming so real that you think they actually happened. I have such an overactive imagination too so I definitely know where you're coming from.

I love your idea about making a list and achieving little things. I'm looking into CBT as well so I'll keep you all updated :)

x x x x

[Beckybooboo]

Good girl!

I really do wish you the best of luck and if you ever need anything I usually pop on here once or twice a day to get my little kick!

I know what you mean about your GP, you're lucky that yours even gave you medication.. Mine, he just sent me on my way about some therapy... BACK IN FEBRUARY and I'm still waiting. Hopefully the waiting list shouldn't be as long wherever you are but here in Middlesex it's absolutely atrocious!

Admitting you have these thoughts is a HUGE step, if you read back through some of my posts about intrusive thoughts becoming reality then you may gain some re-assurance from the posts and information people have given me, especially Darren and Stormsky. Those two KNOW what I mean and what we're ALL going through.

We're on a big boat on a journey, the worst thing to do would be to fall off.. Lets stay on and make it?