I can't cope with this anymore. Desperate for help - lymph nodes :(

[candy_floss]

Hello. I've never posted here before but I didn't really know where else to turn this time...
I've suffered health anxiety since the age of 13. A boy in our class collapsed and died of an undetected heart condition and I've never been the same since then.
However, there have been periods where I've managed to get things under control...until October last year when everything got worse. I had a swelling under my arm which baffled the doctors. They had no idea what was causing it and the whole thing dragged on for months and months, with me worrying myself sick.
Finally I was sent for an underarm ultrasound at the end of January. Bizarrely, the end result turned out to be a joint problem. The joint under my arm had slipped out of position and was protruding. They had no idea why but I was just relieved it wasn't anything like breast cancer. During the months of the 'bulging armpit' saga, I'd started getting irregular bleeding. Doctors assured me it was just down to stress and hormones but when I was STILL bleeding 3 months later, I demanded a scan. Scan took place on Thursday 29th of this month and I'm now awaiting results for that. As you can imagine, for someone with health anxiety, the wait is unbearable but unfortunately my worries don't end there.....:weep:

Around February time, I noticed a tiny lump on my Mastoid bone (the sticky out bone directly behind your ear). The lump was so tiny that the first doctor I went to see told me I'd imagined it! :mad:. But I knew it was there. So I sought a second opinion and was told it was either a cyst or lymph node but nothing to concern myself with. I was freaking out though because this lump was hard and fixed to the bone and I know that's a bad sign in lymph nodes...still I was told to go away and ignore it because it was too tiny to be anything serious. One of the worst things about having health anxiety is the way they fob you off as if all your concerns are irrational :weep:. This morning I woke up and my ear was itching so I raised my hand to it only to find another, much larger lymph node. Also hard and fixed in place. So I rang my GP and NOW they are taking notice. My doctor demanded that I go for blood tests as quickly as possible. I'm going tomorrow, utterly terrified because I know what he thinks this is and I'm thinking the same :weep:.
These lumps are also painless (another bad sign) and I know infected lymph nodes are not because I already had one of them and it hurt like mad....
I've had no colds/fever etc so there's no reason at all for these to be swelling up like this.
The first lump has maintained a steady, tiny size but this new one is worryingly big already. It also doesn't help that it's on an already potruding piece of bone which makes it feel 10x bigger to me.

As someone with health anxiety, bizarrely, my fears were not necessarily of developing cancer but of how the hell I'd cope if I did get cancer. I mean I used to cry myself to sleep over illnesses that I didn't even have so god help me when I actually developed one....I just have no idea how I'm going to cope with this. I can't be strong. The worry over the swelling in my armpit destroyed me and now this is much more serious. Bad enough waiting for my pelvic ultrasound scan without this hanging over me too.
I can't talk to my mum because she's burying her head in the sand and hoping it will all disappear and Dad never takes my concerns seriously because he puts every worry down to me being a hypochondriac. He hates living with me and my health anxiety because he has no prior experience or knowledge of mental health issues so he can't possibly understand. I just have no one to talk to and all I've done since the discovery of my second lymph node is cry. How do I find the strength to fight this? How do I keep myself sane until my blood tests results come through?
I'm only 23 and since October last year I've had the most miserable time. Waiting for cancer diagnosis must be terrifying for anyone but for a health anxiety sufferer it's like being trapped in a living hell. What am I supposed to do?

The ironic thing is that when I first got my armpit swelling, lymphoma was a possible explanation. So in December I was sent for blood tests and all the major lymph node regions were checked for swellings, all normal. And in January, the ultrasound scan on my armpit showed that my underarm lymph nodes were fine. So I'm clinging on to this bit of hope that hopefully it hasn't had chance to spread too far :weep:.

[miss sparkle]

hi.
i feel for you and everything you are going through.
if i were you i would try and feel encouraged by th fact that you have been checked thoroughly recently, so in the unlikely event that something was wrong, it is obviously like you say, very early.
i don't know much about lymphoma and lymph nodes in general, but can they flare up with stress etc.
my mum recently had one biosied don her neck, and it was just a flare up as she had been under alot of stress x

[candy_floss]

Thank you Miss Sparkle.
I know that no here can tell me what's wrong but it helps to know there are people here who understand and I can talk to. I try not to bother my parents with it because they are sick of it by now. It's all just been dragging on for so so long now :weep:. They don't understand anyway.
I never knew that lymph nodes could swell due to stress and god knows I've had enough stress to last a lifetime in these last few months...
I was also been applying loads of natural remedies to try and combat the lymph node - including Castor oil, Tea tree and Lavender (I used so much Lavender that I actually made my skin burn and blister for a few days....:ohmy:), I guess it's possible that this constant poking, prodding and jabbing aggravated the other lymph node which has now swollen?
The rational side of me tells myself this but the other part of me is already screaming cancer.....:weep:

I'm glad your mum is now ok and you are very lucky that you don't know much about Lymphoma. I know far too much about it and consequently drive myself crazy with it. Also, because I'm thin (size 6-8) I can already feel the majority of my lymph nodes even when they are not swollen. This just spurs on my lymph obsession of course. I hate being this way :weep:

[miss sparkle]

i can totally understand how you feel, i don't mention any of my fears to friends or family anyone, as
1. they think i am crazy, and 2. if i admit to my symptoms it makes them real, and i just want them to go away!
my first ha obsession was brain tumor, i have since had a breast lump, breast cancer(currently) which has spread to my shoulder, spine etc.
i don't really know how to handle it atm, and feel as though i am on borrowed time!
i lost my dad(heart attack)so my mum was obviously under alot of stress when her lump came up, they took it very seriously but luckily it was nothing to worry about, Im sure yours will be fine too x

[candy_floss]

I've also had the breast cancer obsession.
When my armpit first swelled I was referred to the breast cancer clinic, not because they thought I had breast cancer but because the same clinic also dealt with armpit problems. But of course, as soon as I saw the letter saying 'breast clinic' I freaked out and convinced myself that they must believe I have breast cancer but aren't telling me. I found several suspicious lumps afterwards of course, no of which the doctor could feel....:blush:
My checking behaviour has increased to the point where I don't believe in my own checking and insist that family members check for me. Then I don't believe their checks either so what was the point?
All the poking and prodding at my poorly lymph node is hardly going to be helping it but I just can't stop. I wish I was normal.....:weep:

How did your mums lump feel btw, if you don't mind me asking?
Mine is spread over the head of the mastoid which is boney already and so the node has a very odd feel. I read 'rubbery' nodes are bad and sometimes I convince myself it feels that way. Other times I feel like it's solid and hard. I don't know which scares me more :weep:.

Thank you for listening. I guess there's nothing I can do now until the blood test results come back but in my head I already know what they are going to say :weep:.

[Kellybobz]

Hi candy floss, please read my threads on my HA relating to lymphnodes, as there are so many people who respnded to help me. I think it would help you to read their posts. Also i have had the lymphnodes exactly were you described and they do feel harder and bigger because they are on the bone. I think with all the tests youve had its unlikley that anything is wrong. Im surprised you say your doctors taking them seriously, because mine didnt and said they are so common, which they are after doing my own personal research.....mainly touching family and friends necks etc. I know how scared you must feel because ive been going through the same nightmare. I hope you get some reasurrance after reading my threads and the posts received from these kind people on here. Also i still have the lumps, some dissapeared some havnt, i have them in my groin and neck. Im fairly setlled with them at the moment.

PM me anytime if you want too. Sounds like were going through the same thing xx

[candy_floss]

Thank you so much Kelly :bighug1:.
I freaked out because of how big this new lymph node seemed to be, since the tiny one came up as a small lump and stayed that way. However, the rest of my family have felt it and said it really doesn't feel so big to them. I guess it's just me :weep:. I've also read that they can be bigger when they first appear and then gradually shrink down. I'm hoping this will be the case with mine though my biggest fear is that it will continue to grow. Mum's advised me to leave it alone and stop touching it for the next few days 1) because I'm seeing my doctor on Thursday so he is the best person to accurately asses it's size, since I cannot be objective and always think it feels huge and 2) because continual poking will only likely inflame it more. She thinks I should put a stop to all the natural remedies and just leave it so some air can get to it tonight (previously I was putting cotton wall balls against it with Manuka honey, lavender, Aloe Vera, Tea tree & just about every natural remedy I could find).

My neck, shoulders and jaw are also extremely sore which I've convinced myself is more nodes swelling. In actual fact, this soreness wasn't an issue until I noticed the second node so I'm putting it down to stress aches and pains. I also have a wisdom tooth coming through which I suspect isn't helping matters....the sensible side of me tells myself this and the none sensible side is freaking out and rubbing muscle rub on it every few minutes.

I will have a look at your previous threads and hope they help me. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. :)

---------- Post added at 21:28 ---------- Previous post was at 21:18 ----------

Oh and I forgot to mention, when I had the pain with my swollen armpit, I was in agony with BOTH armpits hurting. Some times it was so bad that I could not sleep. I tried cushions under my arms and even cotton wool drenched in witchhazel. Nothing worked. I convinced myself that the armpit swelling had spread to the other one and I was terrified

When I actually got my results, the nurse told me that my left arm pit was fine. And, the condition that had caused my right armpit joint to slip out of place was not only harmless but PAINLESS. Both armpits had never hurt at all, it was all in my head. The power of the mind is absolutely astounding. If you concentrate on something enough you can convince yourself that it hurts, even when there is nothing wrong...I'm telling myself this in an effort to ward off my horribly stiff neck :weep:

[MaryMac]

Hi there. :) I've had exactly the same problems as you. At first I was sure I had leukemia, then got over it after I didn't get severely ill or die after several months. However, that didn't stop me checking for symptoms and nodes. Imagine my horror when I found a swollen one under my chin, another under my ear and one on the back of my neck! 2 of these are hard and non moveable, that is if they even ARE swollen nodes. I'm more relaxed about them now. I had a doctor feel them, and he said he can only feel one that is too tiny to even think about. I definitely think that they can go up and down with all of the poking and prodding we do. I must have checked them at least 50 times a day.
It's good that you are going to the doctors, it will put your mind at ease. Remember, with HA any reason/rationale goes straight out the window as soon as we find a symptom to worry about. It's so easy for us to sit and say 'don't worry it'll be fine", when if it WAS happening to us we'd all probably feel exactly the same as you! Try to think positive, the chances of it being lymphoma are TINY and it's so unlikely. I hope you feel better soon. :) xx

[candy_floss]

Thank you Mary.
My problem is that I have a terrible habit of talking myself into symptoms.
For example, Lymphoma causes excessive fever and sweating. Recently I've been hyper aware of EVERY change in my temperature, which only makes me sweat more because I panic! The sweating tends to be after I've eaten a hot meal, drank a cup of tea or gone from one room to another (i.e perfectly normal situations where I probably got hot before but never obsessed over it!). I'm also on Citalopram which is notorious for causing sweating....I tell myself this but my mind has already immediately landed on Lymphoma!
I can convince myself that I have anything if I try hard enough....:weep:.

I stand in the mirror prodding my neck and worrying that the bones aren't perfectly symmetrical each side (yes really) and convincing myself that it must be because one side is more swollen that the other. In actual fact, I am so thin that any significant swelling of the lymph node I would notice immediately. As it happen, I only have nodes that become slightly visible if I turn my head in a certain way - not that I haven't tried turning my head in every angle and convincing myself that they are huge of course! However, you are right that all rationale goes out of the window when full on panic ensues!

Thank you for your kind response, it means a lot :bighug1:. It helps enourmously just to know that others have had the same problem and are still here to tell the tale. :)

[Kellybobz]

Hi candyfloss glad to be of help. Hope you got some reasurrance from reading the posts. From what you are describing its like you are mirroring my situation exactly. My neck and shoulders and back are also in agonising pain, like you it came after i noticed the lymphs and convinced myself i was dying. Im too trying the manuka honey thing lol. I actually went to A+E with my armpit because it woke me in the night and was excruciating, i couldnt touch it, it made me feel sick. When i got there the doctor couldnt feel a lump, but i could. Anyway the pain went the naxt day and theres no lump now. I had a virus so it may have swelled and dissapeared as some of the others did. I cant beleive how similar our stories are, its uncanny!!! xxx:)

[miss sparkle]

hi again. Im so glad you have found people going thought the same x
my mums lump was just underneath her ear and quite hard, almost like a soft rubber marble.
i have found i have whatever i have read\heard about, but the feeling of the symptoms are real, so how are we to know if they are or not!
bloody HA!x x

[candy_floss]

Thanks again for the kind reply's.
Freaking out this morning though. The past few days I've noticed an odd pain in my lower stomach. It's very 'centred', meaning the pain does not spread across my stomach but feels fixed in place on this tiny spot....when I put my hand there though, I couldn't feel a thing until I continually poked and prodded that is and now I can feel a lymph node....:weep:. It's continued to hurt this morning and is tender to the touch but it's really no bigger than the one on the other side, which I can also feel if I prod enough.
I'm so sick of this. I have to go get blood tests taken before 12 but I just feel like curling into a ball and crying.

The only good news I have to report is that the node behind my ear hasn't grown overnight. I had ridiculous visions of it being the size of a golf ball this morning but it's fine.

[miss sparkle]

ah bless you. i am pretty sure if i knew where all the nodes were i would be able to feel them all after a good poke, i haven't looked it up for precisely this reason!
and besides i am a generous size 14, so i probably wouldn't feel half of them!
you will be fine, keep posting if you find it helps, and let up know how you get on x

[candy_floss]

Thank you :).
I can feel a few of them, all the same size so I calmed down a bit. I'm sure if it was swollen then It'd feel bigger than at least one of the others! No idea why it started hurting though. Will ask my doc to check on Thursday.

Just had my blood test done and I'm terrified but I can't do anything about it now and sadly, it needed to be done. :weep:

[swgrl09]

There are loads of us on this site who have been through the ringer with the lymph node obsession - myself included. There are some great threads that will help you. They helped me!

I read a statistic during this obsession that was a little comforting - in people under 40, in this study, 99.9% (or something like that - def above 99%) of lymph nodes were benign.

I have had one the size of a marble in my groin for about half a year now, once I finally stopped poking it it got smaller. There is definitely a correlation between poking it and it staying inflamed, and I am guessing with also putting different creams and such on it. My doctor told me to leave mine alone, take some anti-inflamatory medication like advil/ibuprofin, and if anything ice it.

Good luck, I'm sure you'll be fine!

Also with the armpit pain - I get it a lot when stressed due to muscle tension. I am assuming that yours could be from that too. I am also 23.

[candy_floss]

Thanks swgrl09.
My obsession began when I had a swollen lymph node behind my ear (the same ear that is now causing me trouble actually!) about a year ago and I made a mistake of visiting one of the more senior GP's at our surgery. He has a very no no-nonsense approach and basically told me that some lymph nodes can be cancerous if not moveable and he's be 'very concerned' if mine was like that. Since that particular lymph node was soft AND moveable, I don't know why he felt the need to tell me that :weep:. I now panic whenever a doctor mentions 'lymph node'. When the doctor who first examined the smaller lump behind my ear and suggested it was either a cyst or lymph node, I latched on to the cyst diagnosis because the alternative scared me. But now that another has appeared, I'm certain they are lymph nodes :weep:.
The other doctor I visited was lovely though and told me one of her friends has one the size of a golf ball in her neck that has never gone down :scared15:. That helped me to put in to perspective the relatively small size of mine.

My stomach is sore just below the belly button where I discovered the other lymph nodes this morning. So I've placed a plaster over the top of it which will hopefully deter me from poking it. I once spent an entire hour poking a prodding my neck looking for lumps and woke up in terrible pain and with swelling that I had caused myself! :blush:. I'm keen to avoid another episode of that.... I hope I can conquer this obsession soon.

---------- Post added at 18:35 ---------- Previous post was at 14:57 ----------

Having an absolutely terrible day today.:weep:
Was a mess going for blood tests this morning. Came back and can't stop checking my other lymph nodes. I'm having stomach ache and horrible pain in groin area of lymph nodes which is making it difficult to walk normally. Mum's pointed out that all of these new symptoms have only started since I freaked out over the discovery of my second lymph node so she thinks its psychological. I don't know what to think but I'm scared :weep:.

[SarahXX]

Your stories sound so familiar to mine! Can I ask on an update? Have either of you managed to get over your fear or found out what caused your nodes? I have been going through this for over a year and a half now and I'm due to give birth in five weeks and the stress is unreal! I have four I can feel in my neck some pea sized one is a tad bit bigger. Been for ultrasounds and Ent both said no cause for concern but of course with us ha peeps we won't settle for that! my neck and shoulders are painful I think it's from the tension well that's what I'm hoping! I can't cope anymore with this worry its taking over my life!

[ellsonrose]

Hello! I know you posted this a while ago but I hope you see this- how has everything gone?
I'm in exactly the same boat, ive had a swollen gland for as long as I can remember and its never amounted to anything, however I recently started suffering from horrible back pain and googled (BIG MISTAKE) dr google says swollen lymph nodes+ back pain = certain death effectively. It turns out my back pain is a few lypomas (benign growths which can be felt as Im quite small) and a herniated disc. Yet I still have all these lumps in my neck!

I went for a blood test which showed slightly high white blood cells, however these decreased in the follow up test, my thinking is if it was anything scary they would have continued to increase? Im so anxious and stressed about it and can tell its now starting to really grate on my family and boyfriend, I feel so guilty.

[Cee]

Ells, your white blood cell count can elevate in result of having anything from acne, to a cold to an ear infection. Your count would have to at a significant number before any sinister was even thought of.

Take care :)