Upset by friend's comment

[PanickyPolly]

Strange this is the third time I've tried to post this. I wonder if it will work...

anyway I have a good friend who I share a spooky amount of things in common with but today she said something that upset me. She told em I should get a job and not live of benefits and that if she was running the country she wouldn't give benefit to ppl with anxietya nd depression...she's make them worka nd give benefits to ppl with 'real' illnesses.

[Rennie1989]

I can't believe that! That was very out of order. Anxiety and other mental illnesses are real ilnesses. They effect alot of people. Geebus, I can't believe that!

Scooties Back

[clickaway]

Polly,

Take comfort in the fact that many people do not understand how debilitating this is. It's been said many many times on this forum that others do not understand how we feel.

Yes, its true that some form of work is useful, but some of us cannot cope with that. I did some unpaid voluntary work for several months but in the end that became too much. So its nothing to do with 'sponging', it's to do with our ability.

You will have to learn to accept comments that others make which are really unfounded.

You have plenty of understanding people on this site.



Ray
http://www.anxietyrelease.org.uk/

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers

[carlin]

Hi there, how upsetting for you, as has been said, unless you 'suffer' with anxiety etc. it is very hard to understand, that is not an excuse for your friends comments. Try hard not to let it upset you any further (if only) - maybe she was having a 'stressful' day! xxjean

[mupp]

Hi polly,
I had a similar thing with a 'friend' at work, she said she couldn't understand why I should be anxious & depressed as I had a job,a boyfriend & a house & had nothing to worry about. I was gutted when she said that to me, as I already felt guilty & ashamed. The thing is, none of us truly know what goes on in others minds & we shouldn't make judgements like that. I told her she should be glad that she doesn't know what its like & hope she never does. As Ray said, we have to learn to accept peoples ignorance & take comfort in the support of others who do understand , which is why this forum is so valuable.
Best wishes for future
mupp

[eeyorelover]

Hi Polly -
Don't let it get to ya hun!! It's just ignorance that's all. My sister still says to me that I should just get on with things and just get over it. She believes that it's not a real illness and that I am making more out of it than it really is. Used to really get me down. But I have realized that I am not going to be able to change her mind and i know the truth of it.I love my sister and we still talk about other things - I just can't talk to her about anxiety.
Just know that everyone on here knows the truth too and that if you need to talk about anything we are all here for ya :)

[polly daydream]

Sorry Panickypolly but she can't be much of a friend to say that, get rid!!!!!!!


Best wishes,

Polly

[PurpleRain]

Hi Polly,
A similar thing happened today with one of my brothers,he wont even try and understand about my illness and just sees me as lazy and living off the state. Like i really want to be stuck at home all day and afraid of everything! [Sigh...]
He's also said if he ran the country benefits wouldnt exist!

As children we were taught not too judge anyone until we have walked a mile in their shoes, he obviously didnt pay any attention to this, hmmm id love to see how he'd cope living with my thoughts for a while.

I suppose its an illness you can never really understand until you have experienced it yourself but i do wish some people werent so narrow minded!

We should be thankful i suppose that people like your friend and my brother arnt running the country!!...can you imagine!!?? [:O]:)

Take care xx

[MoonLight]

Hey Polly, your friends comment must have really upset you, being that you two seem to be very close. Like carlin said, maybe she/he was having a not so good day. You can´t make everybody understand because most people just don´t have a clue, but you can´t condem them for that. They are just luky not to know personly these illneses. Hope this doesn´t hurt your friendship because even if you don´t agree on everything you said that you two share a lot of things in common.

[PanickyPolly]

Hi guys thanks for the replies...I guess we've got to accept ppl for their flaws really. I wouldn't want to lose her friendship. It doesn't bother me at all that she doesn't understand anxiety but it did bother me she said what she said. Speaking of benefits I've had anpther horrible letter off the Medical Services Team today regarding my claim for Incapacity Benefit and they are basically accusing me of lying about anxiety just to get benefit. They said the doc at the assesment centre (get this) could tell I didn't have anxiety and there was no evidence that I did. What was he looking for exactly? A flashing neon sign that said "this woman has anxiety"?

[PurpleRain]

Hi again Polly,
Its good to hear your not going to let this spoil your friendship,maybe she was having a bad day aswell.
I was mad at my brother yesterday so im sorry i think i just compared her to him (the issue with my brother goes along way back!) you are right we need to accept peoples flaws sometimes, not everybody can agree on everything all the time.

Im not on incapacity benefit myself so i cant help you there, my doctor has told me i am entitled to it but im too scared incase i have to face new people to be assessed!!

Take care xx :D

[marie ross]

Hi Polly,

I have a twin sister who about 10 years ago was going through panic attacks and depression. I could'nt get my head around the fact that she was scared of going out and scared of living basically. I did'nt know what to say to her and could'nt understand any of it. I did'nt see why she just could'nt walk out of the front door and go into shops.

Now, i'm going through exactly the same thing, and i feel truly awful that i did'nt understand what she was going through. Luckily she's able to help me out a lot and understands if i can't go and visit her. Anxiety and panic attacks are a truly horrible thng to go through, and unless you've been there you cannot understand what its like at all.

I really hope this comment does'nt ruin what looks like to be a really good friendship, i was the same with my sister, now the shoes on the other foot........and its not nice!!!!

Take care.

Marie XXX

[suzymbates]

Hi there Polly

That would really hurt me too. My mum suffered with anxiety to the point of nervous breakdown. She couldn't face work as it got to the point where she couldn't get out of the door. She was on sick leave for ages until they dismissed her. She had ECT in the end - and received incapacity benefit until she was pensionable.

My brother is another one who can't understand why people get depression. I just hope he never gets it or his wife.

I hope your friend will have thought about what she said and apologise to you.

Take care.
Susan
xxx

susan

[manmoor]

Hi Polly,

I get told by my two normal sisters all the time to get a grip on myself. I guess its hard for normal people to know exactly what we go through on a daily basis.

Keep your chin up luv

Take Care

Mandy

xx

[PanickyPolly]

I'm strating to feel really hurt about this now. Since I told her how anxious and depressed I am she hasn't been in touch. It's as if she can't handle the fact I have baggage. She wanted a designer friend that's how I feel. Or that my problems are a nuisance to her. I feel rejected again. Seems like everyone I get close to I lose.

[carol1969]

Take no notice of her she obviously doesn't understand the concept of panic attacks and anxiety. If she hasn't been in touch with you its probally one of two reasons the first one being she feels guilty for what she said and knows she upset you. Reason number two she was never a true friend in the first place.
Don't get upset remember you haven't done anything wrong at all.
Love Carol x

If you have peace of mind you have everything

[suzy1984]

God what a horrible thing to say she has obviously never been unfortunate enough to suffer from anxiety or depression. My argument to that is that if the government start putting some money into mental health care and start getting us all the help and treatment we need to help us fight this then maybe some of us would be able to go to work and then we wouldnt need the benefits atall. shame the idiots running the country cant see that.
Sorry to rant polly's post just hit a raw nerve!
take care love
Suzy xx :)

[PUGLETMUM]

hi polly, this is a tuff one, coz how do we know if its us being over-sensitive or them being totally insensitive?

i'd say its a combo of both really, it is'nt a match made in heaven is it - normal people and anxious people?

could you just use here as a place to talk about anxiety and keep it out of your friendships as much as possible?

iv'e found i'm a much nicer person to be around since coming on here, it means the world to me to not have to discuss it with people that i have a tendancy to resent, plus i also hope that all the people who have ever ignored me experience a panic attack of the worst kind, i definately would wish it on my worst enemy!!! not bitter me!!

seriously, the best way to get over these people is to get better and then walk away, and find friends who are more in tune with you as a person, just because you have anxiety does'nt mean you have to put up with s**t friends.

but i think some people are nice and worth having as friends but they just have'nt experienced this stuff and you can't resent them, i'm talking about people who are actively not interested in you or your issues, which strangely enough seems to be an issue for quite a few people on here me included.

for instance, my husband mark has'nt got a clue what is wrong with me and he has got skin like a rhino, but he's generally nice to me and he's completely changed his life because of me. then ther is my oldest sister, who saw an old friend of mine at the cemetary and the old friend said ' how's things with emma?' and the older sister replyed ' oh i can't be bothered with her anymore, she brings me down' this person is a nutter, as she's dumped her kids dad to have a lesbian affair, who she then messed about on for years and strung her along, she is so selfish she won't let her twins have driving lessons and she let me deal with our dying mum while she left her twins with old friend while she had an affair while twins dad was working back in the south with his dad!!! also i NEVER EVER discuss my probs with her, but she moans and moans to me about her ibs and her peri-menopausal state!!

these are the people we need to dump, the people who are more messed up than you!! you have anxiety, your not mad!!

emmas

[carol1969]

I totally agree with Suzy the government should be doing something about this. Loads of people suffer and live with panic and anxiety everyday and nobody seems to be getting the help they really need. They will give people sex changes, tummy tucks, breast reductions and it goes on forever and ever (which i am not against at all but just proving a point) but we are suffering and need help why isnt someone trying to help us. I got told there is a two year waiting list to see a Councillor. The system isn't fair at all. Thanks for bringing this point up perhaps we should go to number 10 with some banners and protest.
Carol x

If you have peace of mind you have everything

[Two heads]

You poor thing polly!Shes no loss hun,dont bother with someone that doesnt understand sweet.I have got rid of everyone in my life that doesnt under stand.xxxxxxxx

[Children_of_God]

hi hun i sympathise with you. but, i wouldnt worry about it, people who have never been through anxiety cant understand it cos they dont undrerstand, your friend was out of line, but dont worry about it, she doesnt know what it;s like. take care x.

[PanickyPolly]

I dunno...I think she's just ben wrapped up in cotton wool all her life and not really had much to go wrong for her. She finds it hard to talk to me face to face as well...about naything. Once we went on trip and we were sat onsome steps talking and suddenlt she seemed to get uncomfortable and left. It's weird.

[PanickyPolly]

Get this...we were supposed to be going on a trip today but she didn't cntact me about it so we've not gone. I've a strong feeling she's gone without me. I think I can safely say she's not speaking to me now.

[Gregor]

Hi Polly (the Panicky one),

Your 'friend' was totally out of order. Even if she doesn't understand anxiety, she should never have said those things to you. I wouldn't accept those comments from a stranger, but from a friend that's just appalling. My friends, i realise they don't understand what i'm going through, but they do just accept i have a problem and try to help me as much as possible. They would never say anything bad to me about anxiety/depression and, the moment they did, i would end my friendship with them. The way i see it, we're going through a hard enough time as it is without people (especially friends) making our lives worse.

Gregor

www.therapyfinda.com
www.therapyfinda.com/blogs/members.php?membername=Gregor

[PanickyPolly]

yeah you're right I shouldn't put up with this sort of crap. It's not the first time she's been funny with me actually...she let me down over something once before.

[Sue K with 5]

Hi Polly

Wow dont we get some lovely friends in our lives. Makes you wonder doesn't it.

I am fortunate in the last five years since being ill I have managed to work from home. But I do claim DLA because my condition limits my abilities to shop and do other things.

I am housebound the majority of the time. Your friend has no concept of what yourself and others go through.

I know of no one who has chosen this path and met some amazing people who used to have amazing jobs, working and living abroad and living a normal life until the were hit with panic, anxiety and depression.

If your friend ran the country she would be seen as a biggot and someone who was unable to empathise, and looking at statistics, we are now a much higher minority since we have come out of our closets, so she would have one hell of a fight on her hands.

Stand tall honey and dont ever let anyone make you feel worthless, working does not make you special it means your coping, not coping is not something to be ashamed of and I can assure you your friend is not alone with the way she thinks. Wwe are surrounded by arrogance on mental illness.


Sue with 5


scknight