hello everyone here

[maedmarion]

I am so hoping that I can find some peace via this website. I am 60 this year, divrced and I live alone, with my youngest son coming and going from uni from time to time. I work full time because I have to to pay the rent and the bills.

I am desperately low and lonely and have always been one of lifes worriers, since I was quite young, I think.

I am always scared, always anxious, particularly in respect of health, that of me or my family and I cannot seem to tread a middle ground or a wait and see line - its always 'cancer' or something that can't be cured and I am currently in a dreadful state having had various tests to determine the cause of some symptoms - so far the tests have all been normal, but I have more to come and I am exhausted, frightened, lonely and unable to concentrate or think about anything else.:weep: My GP thinks that it is either IBS or anxiety, but I am terrified that I have some sort of cancer and that its too late to treat it successfully.

Please can anyone post me some help and advice?

thank you so much

Marion x

[nomorepanic]

Hi maedmarion

A huge warm welcome to nmp.

You'll get loads of advice and support here and make some lovely friends along the way.

Best wishes

[snowgoose]

Hi Marion and :welcome:
I am so sorry you are so low and scared .....lots of us here the same so you are not alone .
but there is help and recovery and friends here who know exactly how you feel .
Do you have any support from friends and colleagues ?
Are you on any meds ?
It is good that your GP is doing tests and is fairly sure it is anxiety ............the symptoms mimic so much . take comfort in that.
Lots to read here and tips if you look to the left of this thread .
You are not alone here .

snow :bighug1:

[maedmarion]

thank you so much snowgoose - I was half afraid no-one would reply to me.........my colleagues at work are concerned, but I am so not myself that they are unconsciously, I'm sure avoiding the usual interaction with me because I am so distracted and clearly upset. I am after all the 'granny' at work and people are used to coming to me, not the other way around.

I have had 2 x ultrasounds pelvic and transvaginal, plus a flexible cystoscopy because by chance, a trace of blood was found in my urine - all those tests were ok, just a 'bulky' uterus and a couple of fibroids - couldnt even find the ovaries, but evidently post menopause, thats not unusual.

This latest 2 week wait endoscopy is because my GP think that I've lost loads of weight - I have lsot about half a stone due to losing my appetite and the nausea, but she had my weight recorded as a stone heavier than I was back in October - I am sure that I would know and notice if I had lost 1.5 stones. Due to this she has escalated the referral and I am now scared witless. My haemoglobin and bloods are all fine, although she has just done a liver function test as she didnt do one last time.

My children are fed up with my fears and dont really know what to do. Work over the last year or so has been horribly stressful, to the point where several of us buckled under the strain plus I have had to move house twice - was made bankrupt in 2009 - long story - fell in love and foolishly invested in a future that didnt happen - so lost the house and am now renting. I miss my ex partner so much - he used to make me feel do much better just by holding me, now there's no-one and I still ache with loss and miss him every day despite his rejection. I know that sounds pathetic but I truly believed that we were for ever and although I know he's gone, my heart wont let him go and I've tried so hard. I've tried meeting other men - but no-one can replace him.

If I am off work sick I only get SSP so then the rent wont get paid - the fear and worry and the sheer relentless natire of it all goes on and on and I see no way forward that isn't filled with fear and uncertainty.

I hate being like this, I hate feeling so unwell and so without hope.

I'm so sorry to bang on like this - I just wonder whether anxiety could be causing most of my symptoms........

hugs to you, too - I must read your story as I am sure that you have been through a huge amount, too.

:bighug1:Marion xx

[Oink]

Hi Marion

I'm a relative newby, but always have an opinion. Here goes I'm afraid....

With regard to health anxiety, I have it too. I know how difficult it is, but try to consider other possible reasons for your symptoms, and why not assume a more positive outcome, than assume the worst? That's what I'm trying to do. The doctor has a better idea of most likely causes than we do, so try to be reassured. I appreciate it's not easy to live with uncertainty. I struggle.

I guess you know the above deep down. Don't mean to lecture, only offer advice.


Oink

[Pipkin]

Hi there and :welcome:

You'll see loads of posts on here from people with the same experiences as you and I hope you find it comforting. I know it's so hard to take reassurance when you're so sure you have a serious illness but you have to try your best to believe what your doctor is telling you.

What makes it so difficult is that the symptoms are so real and the more you worry, the worse they get. Believe me, anxiety plays some dirty tricks and can get you believing black is white, even if everyone tells you it isn't.

Try to distract yourself and not focus on how you're feeling. You should then start to feel a bit better and hopefully break the cycle.

Take care and keep on touch

Pip xx

Pip

[maedmarion]

Oink, Pip.thank you both so much for posting to me. It's like reaching out and holding a hand or so in the darkness, so much appreciated. I am truly trying hard to keep hold of my mind and not let the fears win, but I am exhausted and would love to lean on a broad shoulder. I know that we are all struggling here and I hope that maybe I can help someone else in time. All I seem to want to do is sleep, to blot it all out for a while. My doc says that she isnt worried but I've had three '2 week wait' referrals for tests in the last month and the fears are just building, that one of the tests will show cancer.

I'll try to be more optimistic and I'll be here a lot, so hope that you guys will be around, too, to tell me to 'man up' a bit albeit I'm a woman!

xxMarionxx

[wools]

Hi Marion

Welcome to the forum, huge hugs.

[Pipkin]

Marion,

My broad shoulders are here anytime you need them.

:bighug1:

Pip x