Pock3ts
05-04-12, 01:35
Hi, first of all I wanted to say that I was super relieved to find this forum. I thought my specific anxiety issues were unique -"Oh my god, I'm crazy!"- and it is SO reassuring to find out that neither of those things are true. So it's really good to meet you all, and to know I'm not alone.
I will now hopefully only bore you half to death with a summary of my history of anxiety. It'll be a long one but I will embolden key words so by all means, just skim it.
After being diagnosed with Dyspraxia at 11, I had my first real panic attack at 12 over an injection, and was diagnosed with ADD at 16. I brought up my continuing struggle with panic attacks during my assessment for the latter, and nothing much was done, but I was put on Methylphenidate for ADD (first 18mg daily, then 36mg). I stopped taking this medication months ago. I underwent 2 years of CBT for needle phobia, which is no longer a major problem.
I am in my early twenties now and engaged to my first love from my mid teenage years. This is great, but for the last 24 months our relationship has been strained by separation anxiety that has taken over my life completely. I attempted a university degree a long way from my partner's place of study (mistake) and in the second semester, homesickness merged with a random nightmare about the death of a friend, and from the moment I lay awake in bed and first comprehended the reality that "one day that /is/ going to be me or my partner, and we will never see each other again", I have not been able to shake it.
The panic attacks are strange to me because instead of the sharpness of an immediate stimuli instead there is always a cold rush of horror, dread, and nausea (in that order). My experience of CBT has not helped me as how can you desensitise yourself to something that will only happen once, & how can you avoid a fear of something so inexorable and inevitable?
The panic attacks always start when I lie down to sleep at night. I was so distressed and exhausted after months of struggling that I became afraid to go to sleep, dreading the time my friends would hit the hay and I would be left to face the terrors of a night alone.I would be up until at least 4 in the morning, ensuring I was totally exhausted and totally intoxicated to ensure that when I reached my room, I wouldn't have /time/ to panic before I fell asleep.
I tried medication but can't take barbiturates due to my contraceptives, or zopiclone, which made my mouth taste of metal for the whole day afterwards but did help me sleep through my lectures. Beta blockers nearly made me pass out on a staircase once. I was then prescribed a standard two-week library loan for a self help book, and never bothered going back to my doctor.
The panic attacks stop when I'm with my partner, and in the end, backed by my useless doctor, I had to give up my place on the course to move in with him. Just being able to sleep was a relief. But since then my existence has consisted of debt worries, extended unemployment, & my usual bout of "winter hibernation". Me and my partner currently can't go anywhere apart, making visits to friends and family very difficult. One night alone and the terrors come back in full swing (probably partly because I anticipate and therefore precipitate it). Moreover, I've started suffering sleep disturbances and increasing anxiety both in my daily life and even at night with my partner close by. I suffer a feeling of constant dread and nausea, & I just won't know what to do if it comes back in full. Last time I couldn't handle it - but I had a solution, and this time I don't.
I can't speak to my partner about it as there would be nothing he could do, and then he would suffer in that knowledge. I just want to be able to live a half normal and happy life with (and maybe for the odd day without) my partner, because right now my fear of the inevitable is turning what time we have together into a living nightmare. I'm about to book an appointment with a new doctor, but I have never in my life had my anxiety taken seriously by a doctor, even though my ADD and prescribed medication put me at a greater risk of panic disorder.
What can I do to make a doctor listen and refer me to a specialist who I can speak to?
& What can I do to just get some blessed sleep?
PS: Writing this at 1:30am, hoping the essay will tire me out enough that I can sleep tonight. Wish me luck!
I will now hopefully only bore you half to death with a summary of my history of anxiety. It'll be a long one but I will embolden key words so by all means, just skim it.
After being diagnosed with Dyspraxia at 11, I had my first real panic attack at 12 over an injection, and was diagnosed with ADD at 16. I brought up my continuing struggle with panic attacks during my assessment for the latter, and nothing much was done, but I was put on Methylphenidate for ADD (first 18mg daily, then 36mg). I stopped taking this medication months ago. I underwent 2 years of CBT for needle phobia, which is no longer a major problem.
I am in my early twenties now and engaged to my first love from my mid teenage years. This is great, but for the last 24 months our relationship has been strained by separation anxiety that has taken over my life completely. I attempted a university degree a long way from my partner's place of study (mistake) and in the second semester, homesickness merged with a random nightmare about the death of a friend, and from the moment I lay awake in bed and first comprehended the reality that "one day that /is/ going to be me or my partner, and we will never see each other again", I have not been able to shake it.
The panic attacks are strange to me because instead of the sharpness of an immediate stimuli instead there is always a cold rush of horror, dread, and nausea (in that order). My experience of CBT has not helped me as how can you desensitise yourself to something that will only happen once, & how can you avoid a fear of something so inexorable and inevitable?
The panic attacks always start when I lie down to sleep at night. I was so distressed and exhausted after months of struggling that I became afraid to go to sleep, dreading the time my friends would hit the hay and I would be left to face the terrors of a night alone.I would be up until at least 4 in the morning, ensuring I was totally exhausted and totally intoxicated to ensure that when I reached my room, I wouldn't have /time/ to panic before I fell asleep.
I tried medication but can't take barbiturates due to my contraceptives, or zopiclone, which made my mouth taste of metal for the whole day afterwards but did help me sleep through my lectures. Beta blockers nearly made me pass out on a staircase once. I was then prescribed a standard two-week library loan for a self help book, and never bothered going back to my doctor.
The panic attacks stop when I'm with my partner, and in the end, backed by my useless doctor, I had to give up my place on the course to move in with him. Just being able to sleep was a relief. But since then my existence has consisted of debt worries, extended unemployment, & my usual bout of "winter hibernation". Me and my partner currently can't go anywhere apart, making visits to friends and family very difficult. One night alone and the terrors come back in full swing (probably partly because I anticipate and therefore precipitate it). Moreover, I've started suffering sleep disturbances and increasing anxiety both in my daily life and even at night with my partner close by. I suffer a feeling of constant dread and nausea, & I just won't know what to do if it comes back in full. Last time I couldn't handle it - but I had a solution, and this time I don't.
I can't speak to my partner about it as there would be nothing he could do, and then he would suffer in that knowledge. I just want to be able to live a half normal and happy life with (and maybe for the odd day without) my partner, because right now my fear of the inevitable is turning what time we have together into a living nightmare. I'm about to book an appointment with a new doctor, but I have never in my life had my anxiety taken seriously by a doctor, even though my ADD and prescribed medication put me at a greater risk of panic disorder.
What can I do to make a doctor listen and refer me to a specialist who I can speak to?
& What can I do to just get some blessed sleep?
PS: Writing this at 1:30am, hoping the essay will tire me out enough that I can sleep tonight. Wish me luck!