Please help...frantic with worry and anxiety

[star2sparkle]

I have suffered from anxiety and agoraphobia, panic attacks and emetophobia and health anxiety for more than twenty years.
My 'condition' which I know was caused mostly through childhood, has fluctuated over the years. I have had good periods where I was independent and also about three nervous breakdowns. The road has not been easy and I know you all appreciate what I mean.
Recently, well the last year, there has been a great improvement. I'm not sure why but the anxiety has diminished and I can do far more independently. It is one of the best times of my life and I am so thankful for it.
I managed to qualify as a teacher in the last couple of years as I have two degrees, one being in Psychology. To get qualified with anxiety and agoraphobia was so hard but I wanted to do something in life and I am a very driven person.
I have been offered a job, as a teacher, working in a college. This should be fantastic but I am so worried.I have been very fortunate to get a job in a college teaching A' level (my pgce is post 16) but I am classed as a supply teacher so only temporary but to basically help them out of a hole as they couldn't find anyone else at such short notice. There is a chance I can be properly employed as a full time teacher in September (if I pass the trial period I suppose!).

I only teach two days a week but the problem (s) is this...(though the most important part is in bold further down).

I got my degree in 1997 (so a while ago!) and my pgce in the last couple of years. All I have really done is teach privately with the job market being so bad.

As you are aware, A' level students are basically at revision time now, building up to their exams in the 'summer'. In other words, I have to know the syllabus pretty well for both AS and A2 and I have no idea how they have been taught; any of the groups that I need to teach.

The sixth form year head is aware of my limited experience but I am just beginning to freak out slightly! I have the syllabus and even though I know my subject, I do know what they need to know but I don't know it if that makes sense! In fact, I'm quite sure that if I sat the very same A' level either AS or A2 I would fail!

I have been working really hard, going through everything, getting resources together, trying in vain to get facts, studies and figures into my brain but I know full well that I just won't know it that well by the time they go back in the middle of April. I have to devote all of Easter to getting my act together which I don't have a problem with, it's just I'm not sure if this is a good idea, if you can appreciate. My knowledge will be lacking, no matter how I look at it, and therefore my confidence too.

I like challenges but this one involves trying to know an entire syllabus in two weeks which is obviously impossible.

In terms of what they will be doing first, or revising first, I don't know and won't know till I begin so it aint looking too bright :-(

But the real crux is anxiety/agoraphobia/emetophobia. I am so worried that I won't be able to cope well enough. The building is huge to me and unfortunately where I will be teaching will be the centre of the college (as I have been there) and a long way from the exit and my car! This really concerns me.

My other half thinks it is too much for me too early and that I should pursue my writing (I write for mags when they want my work but it isn't steady at all and not a proper income) and receive counselling (I'm not receiving any) and he can see me having to confront my fear of vomiting...may be not entirely but if someone said a kid or they had a bug, my anxiety would hit the roof. I would need to leave. Plus he is concerned that I have come this far...could this teaching job break me as opposed to make me?

The college is a long way from my home which triggers my agoraphobia. I can drive on my own now and have done for over a year but this drive is at least 30 mins from home...it could trigger off a lot of anxiety. I just don't know if I can do it...at all.

Please help, I just can't stop worrying. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[br19893]

Hi star2sparkle, firstly well done for getting both you're degrees and the new job despite having so many anxieties. You're clearly a very strong person! I'm at college at the moment and have been to sixth form, and in my experience supply teachers do have it very hard as they aren't told any information on where the class is at in terms of teaching and revision. I'm afraid that I can't give you any advice on what to do for a lesson plan but I will say that I'm sure you're just as prepared, and by the sounds of it even more so than most supply teachers who take a lesaon for the first time.
This being said I know from experience that the class won't expect you to know exactly where their at. It's bad that the school don't tell you exactly what the have been doing in lessons recently! What I would do if you do decide to go in is use the first lesson to ask the class what they have been doing and what they have left to revise.
In terms of the anxiety I don't know you so I can't say whether this experience would help you or set you back. Sometimes people do take on too much for themselves and this ends up being a set back. If you don't think you're ready, putting it off for a bit whilst you begin counselling is still a positive decision because it means you have good self awareness.
I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide to do :)

[paula lynne]

Hi there, Ive suffered with agoraphobia and panic attacks for nearly 12 years, it cost me my job as a nurse eventually, after 4 years of training. It was so upsetting at the time, and I didnt have any support. My GP just kept prescribing valium and I was in a right state for years.

Its easy for me to sit here and give you advice when Im not going through what you are. So all I can say is GO FOR IT! Dont waste another moment letting your illness control you. You have to bite the bullet and step out of the comfort zone. You take back control and your anxiety and agoraphobia will eventually realise YOU are in control, not IT.

Can I suggest making several trips to the building so you are used to the car journey, and also begin to get familiar with the building and where everything is. It wont be so daunting for you when you eventually start teaching then. Everyone gets lost at some point anyway, so dont worry, its all a learning curve. Use Bach rescue remedy, take a paper bag with you, have a bottle of water on hand, and using lavender on your palms to breathe are all tips Ive picked up that work well.

You owe it to yourself to give this a go, you deserve it. I wish you the very best of luck, and want to say I admire you for wanting to work despite feeling as you do. I wish I hadnt given up so quickly all those years ago.....Ive now found a little job from home (florist), which I enjoy much better thean nursing anyway.....so my illness has actually opened new doors to me with new opportunites for growth.

Wishing you luck and sending positve vibes! :D
Paula x