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sal
13-05-04, 20:05
Well ive taken a big step forward today and went to the doctors and asked her to sign me of the sick. She wasnt sure i was ready for it but started to get the feeling its now or never. Strange but in a way i am looking forward to getting back into a routine after 10 weeks of but on the other hand am dreading it. What if i panic and want to get out, and if i do ive failed again. A thousand things are going through my head and now i am asking myself why i was so positive when i went to the doctors. Couldnt have even been the wine that made me decide to go to doctors today to get signed back on to work because i didnt touch a drop last night!!!!!!!!! LOL Well i suppose by Monday night i will have worked myself into a total state worrying about Tuesday morning. Another problem do i get my mum to have Samantha monday night so i can go into work at 6.30 and miss the day staff coming on at 7. Imagine it will be so much harder going in with the crowds all asking how i am etc. Decisions!!!! Well i suppose the biggest one has been made today and i cant go back on it, plus i sent my return to work note in first class today so they will know i am coming back. Well i can only try, but just a bit anxious how hard it will be trying, plus ive chosen a week where my close friends at work are all on leave, so if "go in to one" there is no one there who understands. Maybe should stop thinking now until Tuesday morning. Going to iron my uniform now then at least i can get used to seeing it hanging in my bedroom.

Sal xxxx

nomorepanic
13-05-04, 20:12
Sal

Good on you girl - I am very proud of you. You know that we are all here to back you up and give you all the support you need.

It will be a big challenge for you and if you manage this one then you will be over such a big hurdle.

Please don't worry too much. If you go back and feel unwell then go to a nice quiet place - I usually go to the loos, sit down and just take some deep breaths and then congratulate yourself on what you have done to get back to work.

If you can do it then I will toast you with a drink next week. [:p];)

Well done Sal!

xxx

Nicola

sal
13-05-04, 21:42
Thankx Nicola

Just hope i can do it. If i can do it it will be large glasses of wine we need Nicola!! xx


Sal xxxx

vwestwood
13-05-04, 21:45
All the best Sal
Vilma

diana
13-05-04, 21:49
Hiya Sal,

Great News!!!!

I am so happy to hear that you are ready to move on ahead. Of course with some anxiety, which is to be expected. But you will be just fine I am sure of it.

Try not to work yourself up to much about it till Tuesday. You will just cause yourself some unneccesary worrying.

Remember, we are all here rooting for you dear.

You have taken a "HUGE" step forward. "You said all you can do is try". You could have decided to stay off forever, but you did`nt, you have decided to go back and try. What a success in your recovery journey.

Keep us posted on how things are going for you Sal.

I wish you all the luck on Tuesday. Though I know you will do just fine.

Take care,

Diana xxxxx

sal
13-05-04, 22:39
Diana

Thanks for that made me feel a lot more positive. Will keep you up to date how it goes. Just hope i can take that big step and get into work

Lots of love Sal xxx

sal
13-05-04, 22:40
Thanks Vilma Will really push myself because as Diana says its a positive step forward.



Sal xxxx

diana
13-05-04, 22:45
Sal,

No problem sweetie. I am glad you feel more positive. :)

You will do just fine, I am sure of it.

It is truly a "POSITIVE STEP FORWARD".

Take care dear.

Lot`s of Love back at ya Sal :-D

Diana xxxxx

pips
14-05-04, 12:29
Hi Sal, : 0 ) :)

Well done you! [^] I know it's not easy! and I am proud of you : 0 )

I will be thinking of you ;) and I hope it all goes well! Feel free to have as much PMT as you want! I have decided I am going to have a never ending supply!!!!!!!!! [:0]

If you need someone to offload onto after I am here for you! [:p]

Go get em girl!!!! [:I]

Take care & loadsa loadsa luck! :D

Love PMT PIP'S [:X] XX

Meg
14-05-04, 16:10
Hey Sal,

Well done - what a fabulous step to take.

You will have lots positive thought with you when you go back.

If you do start to feel overwhelmed - rescue remedy laced water and you could arrange with your manager to review it after a few days and perhaps have the option of doing shorter days to start with to settle you back in.

Well done






Meg

'There can only be true courage when first there is genuine fear'

Dr.David Livingstone

twister
14-05-04, 16:23
Good luck Sal - I was so scared when I went back but you know it was surprisingly fine and have been stuck there ever since lol[}:)]

Emily

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit
Understanding is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad

sal
14-05-04, 16:30
Hi Pips

Do not fear i will be using loads of your PMT infact on Tuesday you will probably feel more drained than me because i will have pinched it all LOL Yep i guess i probably will off load on you and i am really pleased you are here for me. I hope your weekend at work goes ok, but just remember after Tuesday ill be once again working weekends YUK Anyhow Pips you take care and we will talk soon.

Lots of love Sal xxxxx

sal
14-05-04, 16:32
Hi Meg

Yep i will have plenty of rescue rememdy and my diazepam if feel really bad. I will speak to my manager and personnel and just hope they are a bit more understanding than when i went off sick. But at least i am going to give it a go, i just hope i can cope with it.

Thanks for your support.

Lots of love Sal xxxx

sal
14-05-04, 16:34
Hi Emily

Will probably end up like you stuck there LOL Was looking forward to it yesterday now as having a bad day not sure ive done the right thing. But ill try my hardest I just wish it was Tuesday now and ill the waiting game was over. Speak soon.

Lots of love Sal xxxx

diana
14-05-04, 17:35
Sal,

Don`t get discouraged, you have done the right thing.

This is something you need to do for you and nobody else. Atleast you can say you tried, instead of saying "I wish I had done this or that".

All you can do is try and that`s is all you can expect from yourself is to try, try and try again till you get it right. :)

Hang in there dear. You are not alone, we are all here to support you every step of the way.

Though you may be a little anxious/nervous on Tuesday don`t worry, because even those who don`t suffer this disorder have the same feelings when re-starting a job or going to a new one. So as far as "NORMAL" goes that is quite "NORMAL". LOL....... :-D

Keep us updated on your progress Sal.

Take care and best wishes go out to ya,

Diana xxxx

sal
14-05-04, 17:52
Diana

Thanks for that. I know i am definately going to try it however hard it is. Like you say if i dont i will never know if i could have managed it. Loads of deep breaths and positive thoughts should go a long way in helping me, although at the moment i have got myself feeling really down and feeling alone, although i know i am not. Tears seems to be the top of my agenda today!!!! Speak soon

Lots of love Sal xxx

kate
14-05-04, 17:54
Hiya Sal,

So pleased to hear that you are going back to work next week [8D].

Of course it wont be easy, you haven't been there for several weeks now and you are bound to feel nervous.

But, you WILL survive it and come out the other end, no matter how bad you feel at the time :D.

I still panic at work even now but have learned to just go with it and know that it will not last long and will pass as it has every other time :)

Anyway, Sal, Good Luck and keep us posted!

Kate x

sal
14-05-04, 18:00
Thanks Kate

Just replied to your post at same time SPOOKY!!!! Can only try and like you say i will survive it however hard it seems at the time. Just wish it was the day now because its going to cloud my weekend. One of my friends has just rang and told me im going out tonight, havent been out for months into the town on a friday night but she wouldnt take no for an answer. So just went and bought myself a new outfit to cheer me up and i am quite looking forwards to it now. Only problems is all the pubs stay open until 2 a.m. so could be looking at a bad head in the morning LOL Speak soon.

Lots of love Sal xxxxx

diana
14-05-04, 18:03
Awww Sal,

No tears ey????


I know we all get in our "SLUMPS", but trust in you as we trust in you.

You will be fine dear, you truly will.

We already know it is going to be a bit uncomfortable for you on Tuesday, but nonetheless a great stepping stone indeed.

Dry your eyes dear. Things are not as bad as you may think they are.

You were strong enough to take the step to ask to be signed off to go back to work and you will be equally strong enough to make it there and get through the day no matter how hard it is, because you are strong enough to do this.

I know you are!!! Don`t get down on yourself now or beat yourself up you are doing everything right, and remember if you need a little extra support or any kind of help at all, just come here, we are here for you.

Take care sweetie, things will get better.

Keep ya chin up!!!!! :)

Love Diana xxxxx

kate
14-05-04, 18:11
Hiya Sal,

Hope you have a lovely night out![^]

Kate x

sal
14-05-04, 18:12
Diana

Thanks for that. But you know when you head goes in the overload and you cant slow your thoughts down, seems its got a grip of me at moment. Starting to worry now how ill get to work. Will i be in a fit state to drive and once there you have to go through all the security checks which takes about 10 minutes, the thought of that is making me feel like ill pass out. Just hope i can manage to get through all that then go hide in a corner until i calm down. Think ill give watching Bad Girls a miss on Monday night, might put me of going in on Tuesday altogether LOL!!!! Well of to pamper myself and get ready for my girlie nite out. Plenty of makeup around the eyes to hide the puffiness LOL Thanks for everything.

Lots of love Sal xxxxx

diana
14-05-04, 18:45
Sal,

No problem dear.

I hope you have fun tonight. Tie one on for me as well. LOL.............. :-D

I know how our heads get us to think and feel all sorts of negative thoughts and feelings.

Just remember though that it is only head chatter.You will do just fine. :)

Try if you can to keep those thoughts positive, do your breathing exercises and a little rescue remedy and water as needed.

If you need to, talk to your supervisor and let him/her know that you may need to take a break or two and to please be patient with you.

Also if you get a chance and need that extra boost, hop on the pc and someone will be here to calm you down and see you through the tough times.

You are not alone dear, you will never be alone again.

Try not to let the "WHAT IFS" get in your head over the weekend just try to relax, have fun tonight and deal with Tuesday on Tuesday.

Take care dear, and keep us posted on how you are doing over the weekend okay?

Get all gussied up for tonight, and put plenty of make up on around the eyes for the puffiness and plenty of lipstick on for the fellas LOL............... :-D

Have fun dear.

Take care,

Love Diana xxx

sal
14-05-04, 19:24
Hi Diana

Im all ready to go out and looking forward to it, at least it will take my mind of everything for a while. Its amazing when you make a bit of effort with yourself how much better you feel. Well at least for tonight i can forget all about work and concentrate on having a laugh with the girls. Even when you get excited over something you still get that anxious feeling!!!! Just had a glass of red to set me of on the right foot, ill probably be out of it by 10 LOL Might do me the world of good tonight and like my friend said there will be loads of people down there who i havent seen for months, they probably thought i left the country!!!! Might get some free drinks LOL Will be in touch tomorrow. Hope you have a good night. Take care and thanks

Lots of love Sal xxxxx

Sal xxxx

sal
14-05-04, 19:25
Hi Kate

Thanks for that!!! My biggest dilema at the moment is what colour lipstick, if only it could be like that all the time LOL

Take care

Lots of love Sal xxxx

diana
14-05-04, 20:26
Sal,

Good for you.

Just think about tonight, tonight and tomorrow, tomorrow and so forth.

Amazing what a little lipstick and eyeshadow can do ey???? LOL.............. :-D

I know what you mean about exciting feelings, feeling like anxiety. Sucks does`nt it?????

Should be nice to see all of your old friends, and hey "FREE" drinks are always nice. :)

Take care dear.

Do enjoy your girls night out.

I`ll be thinking of you. :)

I Look forward to your post tomorrow.

Don`t over do it though. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing. LOL......... :)

Love Diana xxxx

pips
14-05-04, 22:24
Thanks for message Sal,

Have a Fab night sweetie!

Don't cop of with a Jim Fenar(Bad Girls) Though!!! Don't want you having a Panic Attack!!!!

Loadsa love PMT PIP'SXX

sal
15-05-04, 09:52
Hi Pips

Hope work goes ok for you. Woke up with terrible hangover so going back to bed soon. Rolled in at 3 a.m. as you do, had a really good night and forgot all about work until i got up and recieved the post!!!!!!! I got assaulted last year, nothing serious just a head but and suffered a canny black eye, well just recieved letter in post to say they wont pay out criminal injuries. Makes me laugh as someone at work who had a little bite on the hand got £1000! Service really does stink LOL

Take care

Lots of love Sal xxxxx

sal
15-05-04, 10:05
Hi Diana

Why does alcohol & hangovers make you wake up so early LOL Had a really good night, a few free drinks always helps!!!! As you see by post to pips didnt get in til 3 AAHHHH. Feeling a tad rough now so going to go back to bed. But amazingly didnt think about work at all!!!!!!!! Speak soon

Lots of love Sal xxxx

imported_n/a
15-05-04, 20:00
GO SAL!!!!GO SAL!!!!GO SAL!!!! GO SAL!!!!!right behind you mate ok,,xxxx darrenxxxx

""HAPPINESS IS ALWAYS THERE UNDERNEATH THE ANGER AND DESPAIR""

sal
15-05-04, 21:27
Just seen an advert on tv about Bad Girls on Monday night and nearly stopped breathing. Suddenly realised that on Tuesday morning im going to be thrown into that. Cant exactly panic in charge of a group of prisoners can I!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will have to pretend i am fine and normal and not sure if im up to putting on a brave face like that!!!!!

Sal xxxx

pips
16-05-04, 16:07
Glad you had a good night mate!:D

Hope your hangovers better now![xx(]

I noticed that they have put Bad Girls on 3 x next week! Do you think someone up there is preparing you [}:)] LOL!

I finished work now & got through it as usual. Felt anxious after though. Nothing new there! Haven't done much today just a bit in the garden![|)]

Hope you are well Sal, & you will be fine on Tuesday I have a good feeling. You are NORMAL! I think us sufferers are unique anyway! [:I]

If it gets to hard for you. Picture something silly in your mind. Like them prancing around naked or something totally out of character. [:o)] [:0] [:0] LOL

Sorry to read about your letter. That really stinks doesn't it! can you take it any further[?] are you in a union at all[?]

Take Care ;)

Loadsa Love PMT PIP'S XX [:X]

sal
16-05-04, 19:34
Hi Pips

How are you doing? Really pleased the weekend is over and not at work. Im having a terrible day, want to run away but where to!!!!!!!!!! Because whereever i go the panic will follow. The thought of work on Tuesday, is sending me doolally!!!!!!!!! I really dont think i can do it. I no that sounds defeatist before i even get there but got a gut feeling i cant do it. When your anxious do you feel like your head is going to explode, i feel at the moment like the tazmanian devil in a mega spin!!! There are so many different thoughts going through my head, i feel like world war 3 is happening in my head now. I can feel a pacing moment coming on to!!!!I think at the moment i have gone and lost the plot completely. Going to have a bath and try and calm myself down into a nearly normal person.

Take care

Lots of love Sal xxxx

kate
16-05-04, 20:13
Hiya Sal,

Sorry to hear you aren't doing too great today.

I too always hate the anticipation fear. Every scenario is worked through in the mind, and different conclusions arrived at depending on the state of mind at any given time!

Try telling yourself that you are not going back to work for good just that you are going in on Tuesday, and take it from there.

If you think long term it can freak you out so that you will not even give it a go.

Just think of it on a day to day basis. Tell yourself that you will go in on Tuesday, and see how it goes. Then, the same for Wednesday etc.

Try not to look too far ahead and I'm sure you will feel better about the task in hand.

Take care

Kate x

sal
17-05-04, 01:06
Hi Kate

Thanks for your support, when you are having such a bad time yourself. Cant settle tonight, feel like im losing it. I hope tomorrow goes ok with you and if you have a bad head in morning remeber your health is more important. If i get through Tuesday i will be proud of myself. Cant see me doing it at moment how i feel, but i will try. Be thinking of you today and dont let H get you down, youre a better person than her. Let me know how it goes. Take care hon.


Sal xxxx

Meg
17-05-04, 09:17
Sal,

You could call today and discuss with your manager about doing settling back hours rather than straight back into fulltime hours.






Meg

'There can only be true courage when first there is genuine fear'

Dr.David Livingstone

sal
17-05-04, 12:59
Hi Meg

I have rang personnel and spoken to manager because youre supposed to have a Back To Work Programme, but they dont seem interested. Said they will see me in the morning. So not sure if doing full ****, few hours or what. So much for them supporting you to get back to work!!!!! My mum is having Samantha for me tonight so i just have to get up in morning and worry about myself and not Sam, which i thought was a really good idea. Just want to get it over with now, havent slept all night worrying about it. Taking my friend to the airport now with her hubby, maybe there will be room in the case for me LOL

Take care



Sal xxxx

Jules31
17-05-04, 13:22
Sal

Insist that they ease you back into work. The first time I was off, I went back full time too soon and was off again a few months later. Then I went back on easeback and touch wood, things have been better. I'm still struggling but have managed to be at work. The Prison Service owe you a duty of care as employers.

I really admire you for the job you do. I work for the CPS so will try not to send too many prisoners your way, he he.

Hope the hangover is better

Hugs
Jules

diana
17-05-04, 13:38
Hiya Sal,

Glad to hear that you had a good night out with the girls.

Sorry though to hear about the note in the post.

It really does suck doesn`t it??????

Try not to worry to much dear, about Tuesday morning. Just getting up the nerve to try to go back is a great accomplishment. So good on you!!!!!!

I know you will be just fine.

What a job you do ey? I`m sure not so good for us sufferers, but someone has to do it. :) I really do admire you for taking on that task.

I`m sure you will be just fine. You may even surprise yourself.

I think one day at a time is best though. Like Jules mentioned above "INSIST" they ease you back into work. They owe you that.

I do hope the hangover is over. LOL............. :)

Do keep us posted on how things get on for you dear.

I wish you the best of luck. :-D

Remember we are always here for ya. :)

Take care sweetie,

Diana xxxx

kate
17-05-04, 15:09
Hiya Sal,

Just got back in from work, and it all went ok today.

No headache, thank goodness!

Such a false atmosphere at work though. Everyone having to pretend everything is sweetness and light when it is far from it.

Anyway, all the best for tomorrow, will be thinking of you!

Kate x

sal
17-05-04, 16:32
Hi Kate

Pleased you had no headache!! It cant be easy working in that environment, but youve got through today, so well done. Getting too close to Tuesday now, dreading it!!!!

Sal xxxx

sal
17-05-04, 16:36
Hi Jules

Thanks for the message. So its you to blame sending all those nasty prisoners!!! Mind saying that at Durham with it been a high security prison we get all the long term nasties!!!! I know they owe me a duty of care but it seems all management is worried about that the staff are on the landings so the prisoners can get out of their cells all the time. I cant believe personnel havent informed me of hours etc, but they seem to just assume ill go straight back in to my full time position. My actual shift tomorrow is a rest day, so should ring then and tell them if they wont help me and i am going back on shifts ill take my rest day this week sometime!!! Thanks for you advice and support. Hope you are ok. Take care

Lots of love Sal xxxx

sal
17-05-04, 16:41
Hi Diana

How are you at the moment? Thanks for your post, was a bit annoyed about the letter that says i wont get any criminal injuries compensation, so it must be ok for a female prisoner to head butt me and give me a cracking black eye and blurred vision for 3 weeks, really annoys me. I was quite pleased with the black eye when someone said it would be worth £1,000 LOL Well i really am getting myself chewed about tomorrow, feel sick and cant seem to settle my head down. Taking Sam to my mums in a hour then going to come home and try to chill. Thanks for your support, it really helps. Take care.

Lots of love Sal xxxx

Meg
17-05-04, 19:50
Good luck Sal.

There will be lots of people rooting for you !!


Meg

'There can only be true courage when first there is genuine fear'

Dr.David Livingstone

nomorepanic
17-05-04, 19:58
Good luck for tomorrow Sal - we know you can do it and we are all here for you ok?

Nicola

sal
17-05-04, 21:00
Thanks Nicola and Meg. Not feeling very positive at moment. Really got it in my head that i cant do it, then panicking more because if i cant cope at work, i wont have money mortgage etc to pay. Head is doing overtime at the moment. Wasnt going to have a glass of wine tonight but just had my first glass hoping that might chill me out. Never felt so down about something for ages.



Sal xxxx

Meg
17-05-04, 21:06
Keep to low alcohol or will make you feel worse tomorrow.

Some valarian or passiflora will help

On arrival tomorrow you can establish your needs are being met with yours and theirs expectations being discussed.

After 11 weeks off it is unrealistic to go straight back into full responsibilities.






Meg

'There can only be true courage when first there is genuine fear'

Dr.David Livingstone

nomorepanic
17-05-04, 21:09
Sal

Get rid of those thoughts and be positive mate - you can do it.

Watch the alcohol, get an early night and above all wake up positive ok?

We are here if you need us.

Nicola

sal
17-05-04, 21:28
Thanks Nicola

At the moment cant seem to stop shaking. Feeling really sick and cant grasp a positive thought at all. Just got this horrible gut feeling that i cant do it. I know it sounds so pathetic and defeatist but not ready for this.

Take care

Sal xxxx

nomorepanic
17-05-04, 21:44
Sal

Call them and tell them you can't do it then.

If it makes you so ill then it is not worth it.

Let us know what you do.

xxxx

Nicola

Meg
17-05-04, 22:06
Sal ,

You have a job where a show of strength is crucial.

It is important that you feel up to it when you go back to full responsibilities.

You could still go in but only as a reintroduction day- not to do your normal job. Maybe that's what they have planned anyway.

Take care

Meg

pauline
17-05-04, 22:07
hi Sal

Just wanted to say after reading your posts that you are doing great
and Nicola is right its not worth getting yourself so sick about you will do it one day. What ever you decide all the best.

Take care
Pauline

sal
17-05-04, 23:34
Hi Nicola

As you can see cant sleep at all. But nicola i have 2 go back as go on no pay on 1st June. Thats pressure i didnt need but got the letter yesterday. Think this might be the hardest thing ive ever had to do and if i get through it or even do it I will be happy. Doing it for me and Samanatha, thats how im looking at it now.

Take care

Sal xxxx

sal
17-05-04, 23:35
Hi Meg

Thanks for your kind words, but dont suppose they will do an introduction day, no i will be thrown in at deep end. But got to try or else i will never now.

Sal xxxx

sal
17-05-04, 23:36
Hi Pauline

Hope you are ok. Going to try my best tomorrow and thats all i can do. Dreading it and making me feel ill, but not a lot of other options at the moment. Take care and thanks

Sal xxxx

diana
18-05-04, 04:41
Hiya Sal,

Wow!!!! you have gotten quite a few replies ey????

As you can see you have loads of support here sweetie.

Please don`t get yourself sick over this.

I know that the impending doom feeling is the worst, and like you said loads of unneeded pressure with going on no pay on June 1st.

Just remember you are "TRYING" this tomorrow. It is all for you and Sam. :)

You need this to start your recovery, and both you and Sam need this to survive.

I know it is going to be tough no doubt and alot of uncomfortable feelings for sure.

However you are stronger than those feelings. I mean just take a look at the career you have chosen. :)

Just try not to get to discouraged, and try ,try and try some more to find some positive thoughts.

I know you are feeling a bit vulnerable at the moment with everything that is going on, but these situations will pass they will not last forever.

In the great scheme of things and life the here and now is only a moments time, though it does feel like our eternity.

Just know we are all here rooting for you Sal.

I hope your nerves have settled down a bit for you by now, and I hope you are able to get in a good nights rest.

On a different note, I am doing okay at the moment. Thanks for asking.:)

I think the biggest thing on my plate right now is helping my oldest daughter plan for her senior prom this coming Friday and her senior graduation on June 11th.

Feeling a bit anxious daily about it all, but I guess I`ll survive. :)

You and Sam will be in my thoughts tomorrow Sal. :)

I know you can do this. Remember little steps, a little Rescue Remedy in some water and knowing you have all of us here rooting for you. :)

You Go Girl!!!!!!!! :-D

I wish you luck dear, with whatever you decide to do.

Keep us posted either way.

We want you to succeed with whatever you decide is best for you and Sam.

Let us know how it goes.

Take care dear,

Love Diana xxxx

sal
18-05-04, 06:12
Morning Diana

Uniform on and ready to go. Feel like crawling into a hole, but going to give it my best shot. Thanks for your kind words.

Lots of love Sal xxxx

sarah
18-05-04, 08:17
Good on you Sal

Good luck, im thinking of you today :)

love Sarah
xx

we arent mad, just the next stage of evolution :)

kate
18-05-04, 08:20
Good for you Sal!

Thinking of you

Kate x

Meg
18-05-04, 09:05
Lots of loving and positive thoughts with you today , Sal.


Meg

'There can only be true courage when first there is genuine fear'

Dr.David Livingstone

Jules31
18-05-04, 10:14
I woke up thinking about you today Sal, hope all goes well

Jules

pips
18-05-04, 10:40
Thinking of you Sal Mate,

I really hope it goes well for you today. I know its not easy for you. Its much easier to hide away! The longer you are away the worse it is too!

Remember you are a STRONG person although you may not feel like it! We have to battle everyday with things that other people just take for granted. So that makes us STRONG!

Take care and let us know how it all goes. Take as much PMT as you like! All the best Sal.

Sending you loadsa & loadsa LUCK & PMT.

Lots of Love

Take good care

PMT PIP'S XX XX

sal
18-05-04, 13:38
Hi Sarah, Meg, Kate & Pips

May aswell do the note to all of you rather than duplicate it over again!!! Well i did it and believe it or not i really enjoyed it. To be honest felt like i have never been away LOL Every one was really good and for the first week i am working 4 hours a day, but ive already done 7 today!!! Thats typical me, run before can walk. But i know to take it easy and ive got a lot of support at work as i found out today. My boss and personnel were brilliant and offered me all the support i need. Just as i was leaving today though they did drop it in that im in charge tomorrow because both the senior and principal officer are off, so i get to play senior officer, right in the deep end but dont mind because the 4 hours will fly by as i will be so busy. I have to organise all the details of where officers are working and if any escorts for court or hospitals go out i have to decide what wing to close down if staff shortages and cover the daily sick as well as do all the overtime sheets, how i will ever fit that into 4 hours i am not sure. Cant believe how when i went into work this morning there was no sign of panic or anxiety and all morning i felt NORMAL. Ive been off before and needed dragging through the prison gate but today just walked in like i was only there yesterday. All of you have given me so much support, and just knowing you were all rooting for me was a great confidence boost. So here i am back to been a good old screw!!!! LOL

Lots of love Sal xxxx

sal
18-05-04, 13:40
Hi Diana

Thanks for your post that i got before i went to work this morning, you gave me that final push to get me there. Really appreciate all your kinds and supportive words. Let me know how your daughters prom and senior graduation go. I am sure it will be really good and she will really enjoy herself.

Take care

Lots of love Sal xxxxx

sarah
18-05-04, 13:45
Hiya Sal

Im so pleased you did good today. You sound like youve got a lot of work on. Well in that case its not going to be long before you are back full time without even noticing it.

WELL DONE YOU!!!!

love Sarah
xx

we arent mad, just the next stage of evolution :)

Meg
18-05-04, 14:54
Sal, see how you are !!!

All that worry and they were brilliant .

I'm so glad you can use settling back hours if you need to - which you may not but I'm pleased they did think about it.

Well done for having a wonderful day and hope future ones go as well.

Congratulations indeed .

Love
Meg

kate
18-05-04, 15:28
Hiya Sal,

So pleased to hear that things went well for you :D

That's the worst day over now. Can only keep getting better!

Take care

Kate x

pauline
18-05-04, 19:38
Hi Sal

Just to add to all the other's kind words how so pleased i am to read that you DID IT and it was not as bad as you thought i can see your big smile over here in Birmingham. Good on you.

Take care
Pauline

imported_n/a
18-05-04, 20:14
NICE 1 SALxxxxxx

""HAPPINESS IS ALWAYS THERE UNDERNEATH THE ANGER AND DESPAIR""

nomorepanic
18-05-04, 20:38
Well done Sal

I wasn't sure whether you would make it or not but you did so well done you !!!

Hope it gets easier from now on.

xxxx

Nicola

sal
18-05-04, 21:16
Hi Pauline

thanks for your kinds word hon, yep there is a big smile on my face. Hope you are ok. Take care.

Sal xxxx

sal
18-05-04, 21:19
Hi Nicola

Like you i wasnt sure i could do it, infact i had decided last night i wasnt going to do it. But when i got up this morning after hardly any sleep at all, i thought if i try and fail it is better than not trying at all. Luckly it went really well. Will keep you all posted on how the rest of the week goes. Bit worried now about been in charge tomorrow but ill give it my best shot and hope there arent too many crisis' in the prison.

Hope you are feeling better than you have been. How is work going for you at the moment. Take care.

Sal xxxx

sal
18-05-04, 23:18
Hi everyone

Just want to say a quick thanks for all your support. You lot got me there and through it today. Finding this site has been a life saver for me and i am so pleased we are all here to help each other. Thank you



Sal xxxx

twister
19-05-04, 10:48
WELL DONE SAL!

It feels great to 'get back to normal' doesn't it!:D

Emily

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit
Understanding is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad

sal
19-05-04, 11:49
Hi Emily

Yep it did feel good to get back to normal yesterday and was really pleased with how i coped. But maybe spoke too soon because this morning has been terrible. Just keeping im not up to the job, cant cope with the stress etc. Then you cant slow the thoughts down. I hope you are ok.

Take care.



Sal xxxx

Meg
19-05-04, 12:13
Dear Sal,

But not as bad as Monday night/yesterday am ....and worse than tomorrows version

You have an additional worry today of being in charge too which will account for some of it.

So how was it today ?




Meg

'There can only be true courage when first there is genuine fear'

Dr.David Livingstone

pips
19-05-04, 13:58
Well done Sal :D

Massive pat on the back for you! [^]

I knew you could do it! I wondered why I felt so drained yesterday![xx(] You must have overdosed on my PMT LOL ;)

We really beat ourselves up though don't we! All that worry for nothing! :(

I am so pleased for you though. :D I hope today being in charge went well for you!

Keep up the good work! [8D]

Loadsa Love & congratulations [:I]

Take Care

PMT PIP'S [:X] XX

pauline
19-05-04, 14:19
Hi Sal

Don't stress to much about how your feeling today thats to be expected you did so well yesterday and now your feeling down cause its BACK as you think but its not its just memory keep telling yourself you did it yesterday you can do it to day put a new message in that brain of yours you are a success[8D] Feel proud and keep that feeling there.

Take care
Pauline

diana
19-05-04, 17:25
Hiya Sal!!!!!!!!

I am soooo very proud of you right now, mere words can not express how I am feeling for you. :)

So glad to hear things went well for you on the first day back.

Well done you!!!!!!!

I am very pleased to hear that you have a support system on the job as well.

How is Sam? Well I hope. :)

Nothing like throwing you into the hot lava ey? Putting you in charge just after one day back.

I know it is going to be a bit of a test for yourself, but you can do it and get through it dear.

Like you said it is only 4 hours. They will fly by with what you said you have to do in those 4 hours.

A great big pat on the back for you dear. :-D

You are a huge positive influence on us all. :)

You have jumped out there and conquered your worst fears and we reap the benefits of your successes. So thanks for that. :-D

Keep up the great work dear, and keep us posted on how things progress for ya.

I hope today was as good for you as yesterday was.

It can only get better now dear.

By the way, I will keep you updated on my daughters prom and graduation as well. :)

Take care dear, and pamper yourself a bit you deserve it.

Love Diana xoxoxo

seh1980
19-05-04, 17:54
Hi Sal,

Nice one mate! Going back to work is a BIG step and I'm proud of you for doing it. I'm sure you'll be fine and once you get back into the routine, it'll be like you never left (I'm sure the cute new guy will help lots!!lol)
Does this mean that we can meet up in town soon??
Take care.
Sarah (seh1980)

sal
19-05-04, 18:07
Hi Sarah

Yep once get back into routine we will get together for a cuppa and a good old girlie gossip!!

Speak soon



Sal xxxx

sal
19-05-04, 18:29
Hi everyone

Just a further update on the back to work senario. Well maybe i spoke too soon as today didnt go to well. I have officers etc badgering me for staff and senior officer and principal officers expecting me to produce them out of thin air. Then i had to find 6 staff to take 2 CAT As out on a trial, they wont tell you until last minute when high profiled. Then there were a few alarm bells in the prison, so couldnt find staff as they were to busy running from wing to wing tackling the fights. At one point the phone was ringing, i was trying to sort out wing number and all the sick that went of today, covering that was a nightmare, was also trying to pay overtime and work out hours for all the staff and all our bedwatch staff who report to me for where they are working were coming in and i felt this massive wave of anxiety come over me and i just wanted to scream i cant do it. The stress to day really got to me, wanted to run away from it all. Then as the good old prison service does it iced the cake!!!!!!!!!! My union rep came to see me and said i had to attend a taped interview for disciplinary action!!!! To cut a long story short, a few months ago my old boss sent me an email asking how i was and telling me to get out of where i was working because stress was too much (he had just jumped ship), so felt a bit lost without his support, so like you do i replied and stated it was crap atmosphere as had a girl in there who is dangerous, (but before all unfolds didnt realise how much) . Then i added she was getting on my nerves and was been two faced and unfair about the overtime. Not much to that it was a personal email, so i thought!!!!!! Then i got called out of office as i am also on the care team and there had been a hanging so had to go and see the staff that were involved. During this time she went on to my computer (ob in the rush i hadnt locked the desk top) but to get that email she had to go into my sent items as it disappears when sent. So she got this email, printed it of and took it to the governer, hence the disciplinary action. So had my interview at 10.30 today, went ok and admitted although i shouldnt have said that, it was personal and she was surely more in the wrong for accessing my private emails. So that it my day at the mad house. Had really got me down as that was the last thing i needed. But i suppose to really ice the cake she is now trying to be my friend again LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sal xxxx

sal
19-05-04, 18:30
Diana

thanks for your lovely reply, you have been brilliant all the way through. Let me now how the proms goes

Sal xxxx

diana
19-05-04, 19:18
Hiya Sal,

Wow!!!! what a day ey????????

I know you must be feeling stressed and out of sorts with what you have had to deal with today, but this was a huge step for you in the right direction dear.

Good on you for coping so well and not running out of that place like a "MAD" woman. :)

Today sounds like a horrid day, but still you stuck it out.
:)

A huge step in the right direction .

I am sure it is going to take you mustering up your best defenses to get in there tomorrow, but just remember dear we are all here for you rooting for you and Sam. :)

A bit much for them to throw at you on just your second day back, but hey you survived and that`s what counts. :)

keep up the great work. :-D

Atleast maybe you have gained a "NOSEY" friend ey???????? LOL................. :-D

Take care sweetie, pamper yourself a bit. You deserve it and need it after today. Maybe a long hot bubble bath ey??????

Keep us updated on things.

I`ll keep you posted on prom. LOL...... :-D

Take care,

Love Diana xoxoxo

Meg
19-05-04, 19:25
Dear Sal,

Well done for getting through it all and staying your time...

You may have felt you couldn't do it at one point but you did do it.

Sounds like much relaxing is called for tonight !

We think you're terrific.





Meg

'There can only be true courage when first there is genuine fear'

Dr.David Livingstone

sal
20-05-04, 17:05
Hi everyone

Well today has been a good day for me, busy so kept my mind of things. Didnt work my four hours at all but worked 10 AAAAAAHHHHHHH!! Have never stopped all day. The funniest part of today was i had to go unto the male health care centre to take 3 male prisoners to a chapel services. Well these guys hadnt seen me before so they were playing up a bit, trying to wind me up because i was a female officer, plus they are all waiting to go to Broadmoor, mad as a box of frogs!!!!! But coped well with it and took it in my stride. My boss told if i could stay on to help the new guy out showing him how to do the detailsi can take tomorrow of without taking leave so i jumped at the chance!!!!! Well not a lot to report but looking forward to a lie in tomorrow LOL

Hope you are all ok and have had a good day. Take care.

Lots of love Sal xxxxx

Meg
20-05-04, 17:10
Hurrah Sal.

Well done . Enjoy your day off. You've certainly earnt it





Meg

'There can only be true courage when first there is genuine fear'

Dr.David Livingstone

sal
25-05-04, 14:36
Hi Everyone

Thought i would just post a note about work and let you know how i am getting on. I cant believe i have been back for over a week now, although it feels like i have never been off. I really thought it would take me a lot longer to settle back into the routine. Even though the early mornings are killing me LOL Personnel and my boss still want me to only do 4 hours but as yet havent done a shift less that 6 hours, nothing changed there. They keep telling me to go home but im one of those people if i leave work undone it chews me all the night until i get to work the next day. Still on a kind of back to work programme but apart from a few less hours there are no restrictions on it, you normally get prisoner free for the first month, but i myself asked not to have that because then working for a month prisoner free would have been another issue to deal with in a months time. Where as getting my first shift over with prisoner contact meant i only had to go through the dread of work once rather than sitting on the fact i hadnt worked with prisoners and would have to do that. Think its called "jumping in the deep end" (without armbands LOL) Anyhow since i mentioned i didnt want to be prisoner free i have never been away from them, so not only have i had to do my job i have also been covering short falls for special visits. Had a crazy one yesterday, was wild and very abusive and just found out before left work today that im on it again on Thursday. I must admit though whilst supervising him and he got more and more aggressive i could feel a panic attack coming on and wanted to run and all i could think about was i cant do this job. But i stayed throughout and felt better afterwards for doing it. Still had doubts about whether i could cope with the job, but kept reminding myself that he is probably one of the most dangerous prisoners in the system so if i got through that its a positive thing for me. I hope everyone is having an ok day. Take care and thanks for all your brilliant and supportive replies.



Sal xxxx

Meg
25-05-04, 15:25
Well done Sal .

It's certainly a challenging job you have and you're coping so well. There are no concerns about whether you can cope with it -you already have done so.
I think dealing with this man would challenge anybody's resilience

Just be realistic with yourself and your expectations during this time.
Do not overdo it whilst you're still healing.





Meg

'There can only be true courage when first there is genuine fear'

Dr.David Livingstone

sal
25-05-04, 19:25
Hi Meg

Thanks for that. I know i should take it a bit more easier than i am because i dont want to end up back where i was and work are very aware of that, so they have started to kick me out after i have done about 5 hours. After getting so far wouldnt want to go back to where i was. Hope you are ok Meg. Thanks and take care.



Sal xxxx

diana
25-05-04, 21:25
Hiya Sal,

Well you are really doing well are`nt you?????


You have really jumped right in at the deep end and are coping very well.

Just try to pace yourself dear, would`nt want you to have a relapse now would we????? :)

I can not imagine doing what you do, so you are quite amazing for doing what you do.

I only have teenagers to deal with and I think I am losing it most of the time. LOL.... :-D

Keep up the great work dear.

You are a star indeed!!!!!! :)

Oh by the way, just wanted to let you know my daughters prom went on without a hitch. :)

Was a little stressed, but got through it. I was more stressed than she was. Go figure ey?

She looked absolutely beautiful, and I am now at the point where I realize she is going to go on and find her own place in this world now, and I am a little sad about that.

Even though we have been at each others throats for this past year and a half. LOL.... :)

Now all I have to do is get through graduation then I`ll be fine. I hope!!!!!!

Oh well I guess this cycle of life is over for me with her anyways. Or it could be that it has been over for the past year and a half, but I am only realizing it now. :(

Well enough about my problems.

Keep up the grand work dear, you are doing great.

You go girl!!!!!!

Love, Diana xoxoxo

Meg
25-05-04, 22:00
Sal, its good to see some responsible employers out there ..




Meg

'There can only be true courage when first there is genuine fear'

Dr.David Livingstone

sal
25-05-04, 22:43
Hi Diana

So pleased your daughters prom went well, bet you were so proud of her. Thanks for your advice, as usual its what i need to hear. Hope her graduation goes well, and you enjoy it to. Speak soon. Take care and thanks for your support.

Lots of love Sal xxxxxx

diana
26-05-04, 06:00
Hiya Sal,

Thank you so much for your reply.

I was/am very proud. :)

So glad that my posts are helping you a bit.

I really do admire what you do Sal, and the fact that you have dove right into it full metal jacket style is amazing to me. :)

I just don`t want you to overwhelm yourself to quickly.

Just try to pace yourself okay? Even if you feel like over doing it. Just bow out "gracefully" when your shift is over.

There is nothing wrong with saving those juices for a day when you might really need it dear. The way you describe those prisoners, you are gonna need that extra strength at times.

You have done great though, you really have and what a role model you are for your daughter. :)

Someone for her to be so proud of. :)

Take care dear and keep us posted on how things are going for ya.

Love, Diana xoxoxo

pauline
26-05-04, 08:04
Hi sal

Very proud of you, your doing so well and working in a job that even people without panic could not do. Just keep thinking positve and you will be fine.

Take care
Pauline

sal
26-05-04, 18:47
Hello all

Work has been ok today, but there are major changes happening over the next 9 months within the prison, a lot of the changes are for the best. Firstly we are losing our high security status, which means we will no longer be holding any Category A prisoners and we are losing all the female prisoners and becoming a complete male prison. Thats good new for a lot of us because the females are really hard work plus we wont have the horrific people that commit the really serious crimes, so could lead to a less stressful environment. Along with these changes we will hold short term prisoners who will be able to go out of the prison to work, interviews etc so it will involve a lot more working closely with them getting them ready for their release into the community. I personally feel this will be a really challenging job, but interesting that you are actually helping them to adjust from their life in prison to that on the outside. Obviously with it not been a high security prison anymore there will not be as many staff needed but the governor has stated that all prisons in the north east are not recruiting and if we want to move to a different establishment that will be honoured, so thats another thought i am having or if we want to stay in a high security environment the governor has organised that throughout the country and establishment that is high security will take Durham staff. So there are lots of options for us all to consider. Will feel a bit strange losing all the females because i have worked with them for 6 years now, but trust me it will also be a refreshing change.

Sal xxxx

Meg
26-05-04, 19:03
Sal,

Sounds like it will present a great opportunity for you to think about what you might like to do for the next few years and use the planned changes for your benefit to get there.

Glad it's all going ok for you.

Good luck with that chap tomorrow.








Meg

'There can only be true courage when first there is genuine fear'

Dr.David Livingstone

sal
26-05-04, 19:11
Hi Meg

Thanks for that, it certainly is a great opportunity for me and will be many things i can choose to specialise in, just deciding what to do. I know i am not looking forward to the visits tomorrow because he is crazy and very dangerous. Just hope i am on it with loads of big men LOL

Sal xxxx

Meg
26-05-04, 19:25
If he's going out somewhere doesn't he get a touch of sedation ?

When we got dangerous prisioners at Kings from Brixton for clinical investigations etc they usually had some sedation on board for every ones safety as well as the two guards and lots of metal clanging.

The main corridor is about a mile long and echoes so you could hear them coming from miles away.

It was the quickest way to clear outpatient xray reception area from all the hangers on who congregated there.



Meg

'There can only be true courage when first there is genuine fear'

Dr.David Livingstone

sal
26-05-04, 20:16
Hi Meg

He has been in Durham prison now for about 3 months and been in the health care centre from the start as he is so crazy. But he wont take any medication offered to him but is telling his parents that we are denying him meds. So obviously been as bad as he is without any medication just makes him worse. He is one of the worst prisoners ive come across in my service and to be honest scares the S*** out of me.

Sal xxxx

diana
28-05-04, 18:22
Hiya Sal,

Sounds like you have some decisions to make ey?????

Good that you are going to have some options to choose from. Better than feeling absolutely stuck is`nt it?????

Keep posting to let us know what you decide to go on to do.

Well done you for coping so well. You sound as if you never left there. :) Just another day with different decisions. :-D

I am so very proud of you. :)

I hope all went well with your "CRAZY" prisoner.

Glad to hear that you all are losing all of the real dangerous criminals. Should be beneficial for you ey???? Atleast a bit less stressful for you, I hope.

Take care and keep us updated.

Love Diana xoxoxo