Bad morning

[Hypo]

I woke up with a feeling of dread. Another day. I have to get through another day of feeling like this?? I was wishing my children would decide that they didn't want to get up either and we could spend the next 24 hours hiding from the world. But they wanted breakfast... seriously, you would think they would let me sleep for 24 hours ;)

I got up, checked my mouth for signs of oral cancer.. yep.. there are a few signs there for sure but it's not my main concern today. Checked toilet roll for blood.. none there but hey.. make myself pee a few more times to be on the safe side. Oh.. now I feel a bit stingy down below... must be vulva cancer.

Sitting down reading then I feel pain in my lower stomach. Must be cervical or ovary cancer. It can't be because I'm nervous, or the fact that I do have IBS and trapped wind is something I always get. No, this time it's cancer and my body is telling me to worry.

Only 3 days until I see my GP. Got a huge list, he won't talk about all my symptoms so try to work out which one is more important. Oh dear! I have an itchy spot on the back of my neck.. crap.. not another thing I need checking out.

In the space of three days I have had

Throat cancer
Ovary cancer
Mouth cancer
Tongue cancer
Vulva cancer
Throat cancer
Cervical cancer
Neck cancer

You would think being riddled with cancer like I am that I would be on my death bed. huh?

I am aware of every ache and pain. I do have a dull ache in my lower stomach, but i'm full of nerves and my IBS has been playing up due to my anxiety. I am hyper aware of every single bodily function.

10.21 only 13 hours until I can go back to bed and get some peace of mind. Then I will go through the whole process of waking up again.

[emeraldgirl]

Me too, I really identify with what you say. yesterday alone I had ovarian cancer, bowel cancer and heart failure. Today again its the ovaries so far and I've only been awake two hours. Like you i pick out my most urgent thing of the day when I visit the doctor and still don't believe him when he says its ok. You are not alone in this but that probably doesn't help. Let the children distract you at least it makes the time go quicker - mine are grown up now and I have too much thinking time on my hands especially at holiday times. Take care x

[Hypo]

Thank you.

The more I think of the pain in my stomach the worse it gets. When I relax I notice that I'm getting aches and pains all over my body.. probably anxiety.

I have had IBS for years, but I know ovarian cancer can be mistaken for IBS. But I'm pretty sure I would be dead by now lol

I keep peeing all the time. Don't think it's a UTI.. Anxiety again most likely.

I have five young children so I should be able to take my mind of it, but I find I can't concentrate on anything other than myself right now. They are happily playing and my husband is coming home soon, but I know they could be a great distraction if I could pull myself together a little.

I have my mum here this afternoon. She always makes me feel a bit better. My husband is trying his best but I can see the stress in his face.

I hope your morning gets better. Thank you for replying. It means so much to me that there is someone else feeling what I am. Not that I would wish this on anyone, but it's nice to feel like I am not completely alone.

Im trying to get to the stage where I say eff it.. If I die I die. My kids will be fine with my husband and my mum helping. Life will go on without me. It's my fear, leaving my kids behind. Especially as my ex husband who I have three kids with actually has lymphoma and just had a bone marrow transplant and we don't know the prognosis.

[Kelley]

Hey

You do realise you're not alone don't you? ALL of us with HA spend our waking hours just like you! I only have 2 kids and they're old enough to sort themselves out but I still feel guilt if i haven't been a 'good' mum for the day. I try to keep on top of things not to upset they're routines or comfort zones but it just makes it so much harder. For me, knowing I have responsibilities like this and still going to work, cleaning, cooking etc makes me feel sick. I just want to hide away where noone needs me! Realistically that would make me miserable but when I'm having a nervous breakdown like I have been, life becomes so different and terrifying!
It's always......once such a thing goes away or gets better, then I will be happy and live..but truth is there is ALWAYS something! They just seem to roll from one to the next before I even have chance to let go of the last problem! This time I'm letting medication in and giving it all up! I figured I'm going to kill myself sooner without medication so I might as well put the poison in my body and have some happy days before they do some damage.

You said you started Prozac again? Have you been on it long? I think if you find yourself having breakdowns often it's probably wise to stay on the medication for good. This is what my plan is but I'm sure once the weight gain starts and I feel better ill once again tell myself that I'm fine and can do this drug free! I must leave myself a note this time to remind myself of this and ensure I don't fall in the trap.

I hope your day gets better

Kel x

[Hypo]

I have a white fury tongue.. got to be cancer

Thanks for your reply, Kel. Ive been on the prozac again for about two weeks I think so should kick in soon. I know I will need them for life, but when I'm well I think I can manage without. I am awful at doing that.

Like you.. not this time lol

---------- Post added at 14:49 ---------- Previous post was at 14:25 ----------

I went to the doctors last week to ask about mouth cancer and get more prozac.

She looked in my mouth and down the throat and said I had a dry mouth.

If I had tongue cancer she would have noticed right?

I keep thinking that perhaps it has just come on and the white cracked tongue is cancer. But I'm not sure if cancer comes on that quickly.

[swgrl09]

nah, your tongue can be white for a lot of reasons. Is it like a coating? Because that frequently is just acid reflux or something you ate, etc. Fury tongue looks really scary and is very different.

[Hypo]

It's a bit fury.. more dry looking.

It's cancer, right?

[emeraldgirl]

If you went to the doctors last week i'm pretty sure something would have been visible. Also it would be really really sore if it was cancer. I think cancer causes sores rather than a dry furry tongue which is quite common, especially if you have a dry mouth. Sorry you are having such a bad time

[Kelley]

Hypo.......why would you have tongue cancer???? Ive never met anyone in my life whos had this, even the heaviest of smokers..?? Do you smoke?

Just because you are scared of certain things doesn't give your body the green light to grow them! Cancer would be the last thing i would think of in my mouth if it was white.....Thrush would be the first thing i would think of. Theres also alot of people out there who generally have a white coating in their mouths all the time...Seriously, you need to forget about it and wait for the Prozac to kick in! You do not have tongue cancer! Could it be caused by a dry mouth which is a side effect of Prozac?
Go make yourself a cup of tea and sit in front of the telly. Tell your mind that you are aware of all the concerns it has there for you to think about and you will make some special time to address these later, but for a few hours you are going to relax and the thoughts can talk as much as they like in the allocated time when its their turn!

Kel x