Dan21
09-04-12, 14:24
It’s been a while since I posted on the NMP site, I haven’t needed to. But recently I’ve felt a pretty severe decline back into depression/GAD cycle that is proving difficult to shake off. I’ve been slowly plodding on, through work and family life with the fear of having a complete relapse bubbling under the surface. Things have been difficult since a few weeks ago when we had to take part in a joint birthday celebration for my Mum in law and one of their family friends. It was a joint 60th and all of the respective families were there.
A bit of back-story is probably relevant here. I lost my Dad to cancer seven years ago (I know, I thought I’d have dealt with it by now too) and ever since his passing, I’ve simply not been able to function normally emotionally. I’ve not had a truly happy/carefree moment since he died – I lost something when he passed…it seems to be the ability to be happy/relaxed/at ease/ guilt free.
Anyway, all of my wife’s family were there and rightly so, they were having a great time, smiles all round, enjoying their time together, doing the normal things that family’s do. I felt like a complete outsider – just not able to connect nor feel part of their community. I didn’t say anything at the time but this difficulty has since come out in discussions with my wife. I am an only child and when my Dad died, my Mum had only me to turn to for immediate family support. This has been a MASSIVE responsibility and no matter how many times she says I’m not responsible for her, I know that I am – I also know what older parents will say in order for you not to worry about them. We live 200 miles away from my Mum and all of a sudden, I feel pretty helpless in terms of how I can get back to being the same (or as close to the same) person I was before my Dad died.
The whole thing is a bit of a mess really. My biological father left when I was four and this (I think) has instilled a massive security/insecurity complex within me. My Dad (who I refer to above, who passed away five years ago) became ill suddenly and passed away within seven months of diagnosis. As I said, this has just reinforced all of my insecurities about loss and all of the anxiety that goes with it. Two years ago my Mum met a chap whom she started seeing – I was a bit freaked out by this but a tiny corner of my mind breathed a sigh of relief that she wasn’t alone back home. Then, her new friend was diagnosed with exactly the same condition my Dad died of and he too passed away within 10 months. It feels like life or fate is dealing us a pretty trying hand.
I’d been dealing with my anxiety/GAD/health anxiety pretty well but something heavier seems to have settled on me lately. A real sense of depression – things seem so unfair and needlessly difficult. I don’t want to win the lottery, nor have a better house than my neighbour…I just want a bit of stability. It’d be quite nice if the people who were closest to me didn’t all end up dying before they reached 55.
As is always the case when I post, I’m not sure that there are any answers to be had, but somehow spilling some of what’s in my head into a post gives me a little room to think.
D
A bit of back-story is probably relevant here. I lost my Dad to cancer seven years ago (I know, I thought I’d have dealt with it by now too) and ever since his passing, I’ve simply not been able to function normally emotionally. I’ve not had a truly happy/carefree moment since he died – I lost something when he passed…it seems to be the ability to be happy/relaxed/at ease/ guilt free.
Anyway, all of my wife’s family were there and rightly so, they were having a great time, smiles all round, enjoying their time together, doing the normal things that family’s do. I felt like a complete outsider – just not able to connect nor feel part of their community. I didn’t say anything at the time but this difficulty has since come out in discussions with my wife. I am an only child and when my Dad died, my Mum had only me to turn to for immediate family support. This has been a MASSIVE responsibility and no matter how many times she says I’m not responsible for her, I know that I am – I also know what older parents will say in order for you not to worry about them. We live 200 miles away from my Mum and all of a sudden, I feel pretty helpless in terms of how I can get back to being the same (or as close to the same) person I was before my Dad died.
The whole thing is a bit of a mess really. My biological father left when I was four and this (I think) has instilled a massive security/insecurity complex within me. My Dad (who I refer to above, who passed away five years ago) became ill suddenly and passed away within seven months of diagnosis. As I said, this has just reinforced all of my insecurities about loss and all of the anxiety that goes with it. Two years ago my Mum met a chap whom she started seeing – I was a bit freaked out by this but a tiny corner of my mind breathed a sigh of relief that she wasn’t alone back home. Then, her new friend was diagnosed with exactly the same condition my Dad died of and he too passed away within 10 months. It feels like life or fate is dealing us a pretty trying hand.
I’d been dealing with my anxiety/GAD/health anxiety pretty well but something heavier seems to have settled on me lately. A real sense of depression – things seem so unfair and needlessly difficult. I don’t want to win the lottery, nor have a better house than my neighbour…I just want a bit of stability. It’d be quite nice if the people who were closest to me didn’t all end up dying before they reached 55.
As is always the case when I post, I’m not sure that there are any answers to be had, but somehow spilling some of what’s in my head into a post gives me a little room to think.
D