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georgesgirl
13-05-04, 21:47
Hi, I am new here. I have visited the chat a room a few times but feel unable to say to them what is bothering me. First of all I need to know if I am abnormal for feeling this way. I have been married for 20 years to a wonderful man but we have not had sex since I was 37, I am now 46. This has affected me in many ways, mainly I feel unattractive and I feel my life is over. It all sounds so corny when I see it written this way. We have tried, he has tried and I have tried many things but it just isn't going to be. Lots of stuff has happened to me because of this. I have only just started to realise what the consequences are of this happening. I feel so sad, I feel my life is over, not just because of the no sex but because of all th other things that it has caused.I am extremely unhappy to the point of often feeling tearful and not able to carry on with my life successfully. I don't know what to do. Please help me.

sarah
14-05-04, 11:30
Hiya

First of all welcome to the site.
I dont really know what to say to help you but im going to suggest a couple of things.
Have you seen a marriage guidance councellor? I dont know if this will help you any but its worth a thought.
Secondly, you say you feel unattractive. When you feel this way do you hide in unattractive clothing and no makeup etc? What I would suggest is treating yourself to a pampering night. Have a nice bath with relaxing oils or lots of bubbles and candles. Give yourself a facial, put some nice clothes on and put some makeup on. I constantly feel unattractive and my husband hates the way I look at the moment so I give myself a pick me up every now and again by doing these things and put some music on and pretend im gorgeous and doing great in life ( a total lie but it works for me).
Whatever happens, your life isnt over, maybe just changed from how you want it to be but you can have a good life again, it will take some changes in your thoughts but its definately possible.

Im sorry if this advice sounds glib in any way - its not meant to but im not sure what else to say, I just want to let you know we are here for you if you need to offload your problems.

take care

love Sarah
xx

we arent mad, just the next stage of evolution :)

georgesgirl
14-05-04, 14:39
hi Sarah

Thanks for responding to my plea for help. I do all these things that you suggested and keep my end up so to speak. I get days when I am moderately okay and then I can get a day when I just feel like it's the end. The thing is my relationship is quite strong in other ways and I have a very kind husband. We have so much history together and I cannot imagine life without him. Well, I can actually, but I don't think I could forget all the stuff, the nice stuff that is that has happened in our lives. The other thing is my daughter is very close to him and she would cope if we broke up but she too has so much to lose. It has taken me quite a long time to realise that I am actually very depressed because when I look at the checklist for depression I can tick every single sympton. What is really sad is that I sometimes (nearly all the time) don't value my health any more. It's like I don't care if I get some serious illness because I would rather not be here. I want to feel part of a physical relationship as well as all the other important aspects in a relationship. It's not that I think I should be feeling attractive all the time, I know looks don't count and what makes a person beautiful is really what comes from the inside. It's that I feel unhealthily unattractive which I know I'm not. I hope I make sense. I don't think a counsellor would help because we already value lots of things about each other. There is just no physical contact and it is hard for both of us now to even summon up any feelings of wanting it. My husband is impotent and nothing works and I feel sorry for him but he is much older than me and knows for me it is more disastrous. I just don't feel happy and wish I could pull myself together. It would help if he was horrible because then I would just leave. Deep down I really love him maybe not in the physical sense anymore but nonetheless I love him.

Thanks for listening.

twister
14-05-04, 14:54
Hiya

Have you visited the doctor about feeling so bad? Clinical depression is an illness and you can get help for it, and I don't just mean medication.

It seems to me that all the problems you are having are coming from your low self esteem and depression - don't think that your life is over there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. The most important thing is realising that there is a problem, as you have, and looking to do something about it

Good Luck

Emily

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit
Understanding is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad

Meg
14-05-04, 15:59
Hi,

It would be great to have a name - any name - to use. Makes it easier to identify with you as a woman when we're discussing personal stuff . I was hoping that you using 'georgeousgirl' as a user name but just left out a couple of letters.. lol

Theres a lot going on here .

Which came first - his impotence or the lack of sex in your relationship?

Were you ever an affectionate couple/people - having lots of other ways of displaying and sharing love and friendship and whats happened to those over time ?

Do you still have a good time together and respect each other as individuals ?

About your unattractiveness. Has this suddenly occurred to you as you've got older or did something happen to make you think this ?

Lots of questions - sorry. You may not want to answer some of them and I understand that ,but so often in these situations its only what we read after the few posts which are actually the main points of the issue.

As Emily says there is lots of help available for depression. It does depend howver though on what sort of depression you have and where its origins lie or which treatment is best.

We're here to help- keep posting



Meg

'There can only be true courage when first there is genuine fear'

Dr.David Livingstone

Tessie28
14-05-04, 16:54
Hi,
have you seen your GP? i have depression and take medication quite happily - if you get me. It is a real illness and should always be treated as such. I think of it as if i was diabetic i would take my medication so why shouldn't i take it for depression? the trouble with this whole thing is that it creeps up on you and destroys self esteem invading your whole life. if you got back on an even keel you could look again at your relationship with your husband but you can't do it all at once. this forum will help you but you have to take that first step [the hardest one],
take care, love from tess

benoo5
14-05-04, 17:37
hi,
ime sorry to hear about your depression,youve had some good advice,and i would also suggest you look up a link,that i added,to a really good site,specialising in depression.

now...for a mans point of view...an erection generally comes with arousal,or stimulis,which causes blood to flow into the penis,hence an erection.
sometimes this doesnt happen as it should though,due to feeling anxious,tired,or the man just feeling..out of sorts..if this occurs more than a couple of times,this often leads to the man losing his confidence,and the man himself becomes overly anxious,and he quite often makes excuses, such as..not tonite darling,ime knackered etc..its at this time,and not months down the line,that the couple really need to sit down and discuss the problem.. at this early stage,they should agree to forego sex for a while,and just concentrate on each others needs,such as touch,foreplay,massage,having a shower together...light up the sitting room with candles,soft music,and a bottle or two of wine.

impotency can usually be treated by a qualified sex therapist...if not,then by drugs...theres even a patch available,which drawers the blood to the penis.
a short visit to the doctor,a truthful conversation,telling him/her the full story of the problem,and hubby could well find a new lease of his sex drive,but please be patient,as whatever happens,as hes older than you,his drive will not be as strong as yours.

hope this helps,and i hope i havent offended any ladies by being blunt.

best wishes.....bryan.

georgesgirl
14-05-04, 19:29
I am really so pleased to have some replies. It means so much to me because I haven't been able to discuss this fully with anyone except a very close friend who I don't see very often. I don't want to give my name out because I am paranoid that people that I know might read this. Silly, I know, but what can I do if this is what I feel. I am female and georgesgirl means something to me. It identifies me really well to me as a person.

Anyway, I would like to say that I do want to seek help and what everyone has said has been of help to me. I feel so desperate unhappy and I know I should do a lot of the things that people say but it is embarrassing to go to my doctor and say that I don't care if I die.

Bryan asked what came first the lack of sex or the impotency. The lack of sex came first. The impotency I am almost sure of cannot be cured except that it could be taht my husband doesn't really fancy me anymore. I know my husband loves me but I've never been sure if he loved me in the passionate way.

I feel so upset when I write that because it just makes me realise that he loves me but was never that passionate about me. That would be right actually when I look back on our relationship. I'm not sure if he would have been different with someone else or is it just him.

Anyway, thanks for listening, it is just a relief to be saying all this.

april tones
14-05-04, 20:02
hi, welcome! im sorry you feeling so down. Lack of sex drive is a symptom of depression, i have it but not that bad since ive been on meds, they really help me. When you start getting better then you will feel better in your self and will know if you want to be with your husband. I dont mean to sound harsh but do whats best for your self as if your not happy then your daughter wont be too, hope i have helped. Has any one put you down to make you feel low about yourself?? love aprilx

apriltones

georgesgirl
14-05-04, 20:33
I have a real problem with putting myself first. It's not that I am such a generous person,it's just that over the years I seem to think I don't deserve true happiness. It's like everything is fine except for the crucial things, like being happy and who I am to want that more than anything. It all sounds crazy I know. I am terrified of visiting the doctor and being given medication. What if I become so dependent on it. I guess I haven't been honest with myself and am truly pissed off with the whole situation. Here I am at 46 feeling so down it is unbelievable and nobody notices, really notices and it's like I just have to get on with it.

It can't understand how medication could make me feel better. For those who know please let me know too.

Tessie28
14-05-04, 21:13
firstly, modern anti depressents are in no way addictive. Far too many people still believe that you have to 'pull yourself together' - which is okay if you are a pair of curtains:D.Otherwise it is *rap.
there is no shame in depression and your doctor will be understanding. you have to have faith in her/him. You have to believe it is an illness [an imbalance of the chemicals in the brain]that is curable. after that you can look at your relationship - one thing at a time. make that appointment and take your friend along for support. don't leave it any longer,
take care,
love from
tess

pauline
15-05-04, 19:08
Hi

The thing with taking antidepressant is that you also need to work on the problem that might be causing it. Of course lots of poeple there is nothing that they can put there finger on. But in reading your posts it seems to me its the feeling of not being desired by your husband which is causeing your depression. That it seems is not going to change. As you and your hubby have not had sex for years. Do you and him talk about this problem? What does he say? does he know how you are feeling inside? As humans we need to know we are desired and wanted its a basic need in us and that is not being met in your relationship. If it was being met in other ways like he tells you that he loves you makes you feel special then i don't think you would feel so low. So if perhaps nothing is going to change then its up to you to try and do all you can to boost your self esteem. Hope i have not said to much.

Take care
Pauline

georgesgirl
15-05-04, 19:53
Pauline

Thanks for the reply. I do appreciate you taking the time to respond. Yes I think the main reason I became depressed and have a low self esteem is because of what has happened in my relationship. He does tell me from time to time that he loves me but I don't believe it. I have also spoken to him about how I feel and he listens and is so empathetic but then it is forgotten. For example we talk about it and then nothing is said again till I mention it. The problem probably started before this because even when sex was alright it was only that hour in bed when there was any closeness. I think my husband loves me but doesn't desire me. He respects me but sometimes doesn't like me. I don't know what to say really. So that started me off on the depression thing but 9 years down the line lots of stuff has happened to me, my thoughts, my actions have all been blurred so it started off with this problem and now I have loads of others. I know I am rambling, can't help it. Just feel I lack any normal feeling and maybe I will just take myself off and go and get some medication. I feel dead inside, don't really want to talk to anyone even close friends, feel frightened and just don't really wake up wanting to start the day. Anyway, having said all that I just feel like a right one. I've been thru' loads in my life and I can't even cope with this.

I just wish I could feel that my life is worth living.

Tessie28
15-05-04, 22:08
of course your life is worth living and you mustn't think otherwise. that feeling itself it just part of your depression not a rational thought. whilst you need to look at possible causes this thing is a spiral that keeps feeding on itself. The only reason i have depression [when i do] is an imbalance in my brain. i don't have anything to be depressed about - there is not always an external cause. Get help quickly and then worry about how you got there in the first place.
love tess

april tones
15-05-04, 22:14
hi, i agree with what everyone has put above! couldnt put it better myself. Meds do work but like tess said its your husband thats causing your deppression. Dont just stay with him as you onluy live once and you deserve to be happy, why shouldnt you be happy, love april

apriltones

georgesgirl
15-05-04, 23:01
Tess and Apriltones, thanks for replying. If despression is a chemical imbalance, does that mean that you can get it for a reason or no reason at all. What I am really trying to say is that what has happened to me has caused me to become sad and then because it hasn't been dealt with and so much time has passed it has turned into a deeper form of what is called depression which has caused the chemical imbalance. I'm sorry to sound so thick about it all. I guess for so long I've thought I can solve this and start feeling alright again. Having said that though, it's only these last few days that I realised I have depression which I am almost sure I have because of all they symptoms and feelings I have which are crap. The hardest thing about it all right now is that my brain is scrambled and just carrying out simple tasks are hard. For example I have to talk my way through every task. I have to say to myself "just finish what your doing" otherwise I won't do anything. The other thing I hate feeling is that nothing is enjoyable. Sorry if I am going on and on here, it is helping me to come to terms with the fact that I have to do something soon.

Thanks again.

Georgesgirl

kate
16-05-04, 09:04
Hiya Georgesgirl,

Depression can happen when there is a known cause ie loss of a job, a bereavement etc or can appear from "out of the blue".

However, although a person may feel that there is no reason for their depression, there usually IS an underlying cause that you may not feel is relevant at the time.

My own opinion, after reading your story, would be that his lack of desire for you has made you feel anxious and stressed.

This in turn has lead to depression as you feel unable to rectify the situation.

I may of course be wrong in my assumption, but this of course is only my opinion.

You are probably blaming yourself in some way for his lack of affection. I also suffer enormously with low self esteem and blame myself for everyone elses actions.

It may be worth while for you to visit your GP for a short course of anti depressents.

They will help to give you the strength to begin to tackle your underlying problems.

Take care and keep us posted

Kate x

Tessie28
16-05-04, 12:58
Georgesgirl,
the fact that you have recognised that you are depressed is the first step to getting back on track. it is the hardest thing and a good step forward. whatever is causing it the next step is seeing your gp as soon as possible. if you start medication [a short course is not an option kate as they take at least 4 weeks to kick in and 6 months - one year is more realistic as a course length] then you can deal with your husband. its like a chicken and the egg situation - hard to tell which came first.
why don't you email me direct and then i can tell you a little of my own experiences [i too am married to an older man]. it doesn't make me an expert but it could help.
take care now,
tess

kate
16-05-04, 13:21
Tess,

If you read my post back you will see that I did not specify the length of a "short course".

Kate

Tessie28
16-05-04, 14:50
sorry kate
tess

kate
16-05-04, 15:32
No prob's!! ;)

Kate x

seh1980
20-05-04, 15:18
Hi Georgesgirl,
I can imagine that this is a very difficult situation for you. Have you tried sitting down and talking to your husband about it? I know that you might be scared to do this but it would probably make you feel more comfortable with your situation.
Take care.
Sarah (seh1980)

me
21-05-04, 12:06
Hello welcome to the site x oh you sound like you have really been through it, but you are such a strong person, after all this time you are trying to sort it which is great. can you talk to your doctor? he or she will explain about antidepressants to you,it is true what tess says if you had a headache you would take a pain killer or another illness you would take the medication your doctor will help you find the right one for you x have you ever seen a counsellor on your own? they really do help ive been seeing one for the last 3 months and i find it is so good for me telling someone how you are feling they dont have the answers but they help put everything in its right place like a jigsaw and they never judge. please dont think your going on, we have all had our worrys here and hope to be able help you take care and keep in touch love from mary x

georgesgirl
21-05-04, 18:06
Hi again

Since I last posted on this site I have felt slightly better. Thanks to you all for replying. It has been a relief for me to actually just say out loud what I am feeling, that in itself has made me feel a bit better. I haven't been to the doctor mainly because although my doctor is very nice I find him ineffective. Also I live in a small place and I don't want the receptionists who I don't have much respect for to read my records and then start gossiping. I spoke to my friend about it in detail and she thought that I should maybe try the Womens Therapy Centre which is based in London. I might do that but in the meantime I am trying to stay positive and also I am looking after myself a little bit more. I am also trying so very hard to concentrate on what I am doing. I have a huge problem with that because I just want to sometimes curl up and do nothing and then off course that makes life worse. I think visiting a counseller would be good because as the last post from Mary said, it's like putting jigsaw together. I think I need to be really honest with myself and even if things don't get better in my relationship I have to make a decision whether to stay in it or not. If I stay in it I have to at least learn the tools to help me do that successfully. What do others think?

Love GG

seh1980
21-05-04, 18:36
Hi GG,

I think going to see a counsellor is a great idea!! I see a therapist every week in Newcastle and it has helped me lots. It's really nice to talk to someone who doesn't know you or anything about you really. Each session makes me feel a lot more like my old self. I wish you the best of luck!!
Take care.
Sarah (seh1980)

april tones
21-05-04, 22:48
hi gg, let us know how your getting on. I think only you can make decision on what to do about your husband, we can advise but not tell. I think anti deps would really help you but thats entirely your decision, dont let it get worse, take care, love april x x

apriltones

pauline
22-05-04, 17:33
Hi GG

Only you can decide if you can put up with the relationship that you have at the moment. Councelling is great it really helps you to put things into perspective and for you to see if perhaps you can build your self confidence up and live your life as it is at the moment.
But also it might help you to decide that perhaps you are living a half life and its bring you down and give you the strengh to go it alone only you will know this though. we only have what you have told us and speaking for myself i could not live your life i need to know my fella wants me as i said before we all like to be desired.
At the end of the day as someone as already said we only have one life and we owe it to ourselves to make the most of it. Even though i have terrible anxiety i still want to try each day to improve my life and not sit back and rot. Panic allowing of course:)

Take care
Pauline
Ps glab your feeling alittle better by the way if you did not want to go to doctors perhaps you could try St John's wort.

georgesgirl
22-05-04, 20:22
Thanks Pauline for responding, and to everyone else. Today was horrible. I was like a walking zombie. I am now just trying to keep it together. My daughter hates me because she just thinks I am in a mood. My husband (although he understands deep down) thinks I am just being too complicated. I don't think so, I feel really ****ty and am almost reduced to tears when I just see a couple talking animatedly or walking hand in hand. I really am very unhappy and feel like a right twit. I had a hard life before (20 years ago) and seemed to handle it much better then. Feeling a bit guilty because I think I am a wicked person and maybe I should just behave myself and be thankful. Deep down though I know I am not and only deserve the best. It's like my husband knows what I am going thru' but even so I should be normal and try hard to just behave myself. Sorry to go on like this, I just feel so bad and don't know what to do.

Love GG

Tessie28
25-05-04, 10:35
hi GG,
I haven't heard from you lately[?] You know you have to see your GP or another in the practise. I know it is horrible if you think people will talk about you but part of their job is not talking about you - you have to believe that. Or change your practise if you feel that bad about it. Honestly you will be surprised once you seek help how easy it was.:) I know I am nagging again [:I] but you seem to me as though you really need the medication before you can move forward - see it as crutch if you like.
mail me [I'll try not to nag:D],
love tess