View Full Version : GET OVER IT
This is what my beloved understanding husband said to me this morning.
In fact, that wasnt all he said...he also called me lazy, useless and a quitter.
said it was all my fault that he drank too much and that I am making him ill with anger. (2 days ago he gave up drink and warned me he probably wouldnt be as tolerant of me when he was sober - boy was that an understatement of the year!!!)
The 2 girls at his work who have had panic to the point of agoraphobia think im nuts according to him. (lucky for them they were able to get over it so well)
So now im sitting here in floods of tears as you can imagine..im stunned that someone I love so much could be so cruel. I realise I am a burden but he doesnt realise all that I do and if I say ive managed to do things he just says 'theres no need to be so happy about it..thats what I call LIVING!!!'.
When he comes home at night and asks me what ive done during the day I tell him where ive been and that ive done housework etc but its not enough...he just looks at me in disgust like he doesnt realise where his dinner, ironed shirts and polished floors come from.
He left for work and slammed the door shouting on his way just so all the neighbours could hear how crap I am too.
Since then, he's phoned me twice to hurl more abuse.
I dont know what to do now.
My first thought was to go get a job and show him that im not useless but I cant do it...im shaking just looking at the paper.
My second thought was to leave for a few days so I can prove to myself that I can cope on my own but ive nowhere to go and cant get far enough away for how I feel anyway...all I want to do is go to the coast, get myself a bedsit and a summer job and a new life but its not like running away is the answer.
I cant even make the motions of leaving as my clothes are in the washing machine and on the line...sounds daft but it feels like the end of the world for me.
Im alsmost wishing fo my docile heavy drinking husband back. I feel so sick with worry my hands are shaking. Im thinking if I just made the effort and went swimming he would see that i was making an effort to lose weight but im afraid of having and attack in the pool and drowning or having to run out with no clothes on(he likes skinny size 8's and I was never even that when we first met).
Ok now ive got a nose bleed and it wont stop...maybe its because it feels like my brain is about to burst.
i dont know what else to say. I just want to go back to bed but if he pops back home he will go mad.
I dont know what I want you all to say but thanks for listening, i needed to talk to someone...just no one who knows either of us so thanks!!!
love Sarah
:(xx
Oh Sarah
My heart goes out to you, i so know where your coming from as this morning i'm in tears to after being told last night that i'm useless and why do i stay with you when i cannot get into a car and take you out anywhere. He has called me a lonney and a mental case that said if he is so unhappy why does he stay. So i'm sitting here thinking i wish i could just leave as you say go away oh but the thought is so frighting. Sarah don't let him bully you, your not lazy your at home but your working in the house keeping it clean and tidy for him.
dry those eyes after all he has hid behind drink for long enough we all have something you have panic so what. Think postive please don't let him hurt you so much, i know here's me telling you that when i myself is so hurt as well but we try our best and if thats not good enough well they know where the door is. Hugs to you.
Take care
Pauline
Oh Sarah,
D you think he is being so cruel because he realizes he may have a bit of a problem with the drink and is using you as an excuse(which is often the case)
Does he want you to say 'Go and have a drink cause I can't handle you like this'
No-one has a right to call you or Pauline useless or lazy,it really peeved me off when people tell you 'to get over it'
Hang in there and don't let his words get to you, if someone tells you something enough you will be inclined to believe it.
I think the lack alcohol may be a big part of this Sarah. You do not have to take this mental abuse in your own home, don't answer the phone to him. It could be that he is having a seriously bad day ( I know it is not an excuse for his behaviour) and he will come home very apologetic
Sorry I can't give a longer reply I will try to later
Take Care
Love
Lucky
HI Sarah
Sorry to hear you are feeling so bad. I agree with Lucky it sounds like he is trying to blame you for his own problems but that's still no excuse for him
Have you thought that maybe he holds you back from getting better rather than helps because he calls you useless etc.
Whatever you decide to do, we are here for you. You can always come and stay with me!
Hope things get better
Lots of love
Emily
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit
Understanding is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad
Hiya Sarah,
Although we realise that non sufferers do not understand the extent of our suffering,for our loved ones to call us names for it is disgraceful.
You could also have turned round and called him useless for being a heavy drinker!
I agree with Emily, he could well be holding back your recovery process as, in your vulnerable state, you are probably starting to believe his hurtful words.
You aren't useless, lazy or a quitter. Don't believe any of the hurtful names that he calls you.
You are as good, if not better, than him. Don't let yourself be worn down by him. You are a brave person who is trying to overcome a big problem.
We are here for you Sarah, whatever you decide to do.
Take care
Kate x
Dear Sarah,
You've not been having a good time togther recently at all.
It seems that this may have been building up over a while and him not having his crutch of alcohol suddenly has brought his emotions to the surface and he's let rip.
What sparked it all off ?
This does not excuse any of his cruel words this morning and certainly not the phone calls which are even worse a sthey were premeditated.
There are many women who choose to stay home and look after the house and they do a fabulous job. Just because your choice is not made on the same platform it does not detract from all that you do.
You stick to what you need to do to keep your self confidence intact and do not allow hi to rip you to shreds or make snap decisions.
You have a condition thats takes time to recover from and that is exactly what you're doing.
The skinny bit isn't even part of this issue at all. Thats just him scavenging around for more hurtful ammunition.
The 2 girls in his office. .. I know panic and agoraphobia are common - but its unusual to find them like buses !
I hope your nose bleed has stopped now.
This evening will be difficult. Maybe he will have gone for a drink - maybe not.
I'll be thinking of you..
Love
Meg
Hi Guys
Thanks so much for your replies it means a lot to know theres people out there that do care. (youve made me cry again but thats good as I dont do enough of it).
I have a wonderful update for you....NOT
He's just popped home to appologise for being such an a******* this morning and no sooner had he got the appology out of his mouth he started again.
He told me that I stood to loose everything if I didnt buck my ideas up so I told him (no tears - I was strong) that I knew all that and it still didnt make me miraculously cured so what am I supposed to do so he told me he was going to dump me somewhere tonight and let me find my own way home to see if that cured me....WHERE IS HIS BRAIN????????
Oh amd he's going to disable my car so I have no choice but to use public transport (I NEVER used busses etc before this anyway). But I told him if he did it then that would guarantee I never left the house...stupid idiot!!!!!!!
So it ended up with him teling me that I should leave and go to my mums (she lives in a 3 bed house with my dad,sister, sisters hubby and 2 kids...dont really think theres room for me) or he's going to take away the computer and playstation so I dont sit on my "fat lazy arse" all day doing nothing. - so if you dont see me for a while you know ive been sent to sit in the naughty corner and had my toys confiscated.
I think you guys are right, the non drinking has let it all come to a head. But then apparently its my fault he drinks now anyway!
He wants the fun loving Sarah back..but I never was very outgoing in the first place..always been shy in crowds etc.
He then walked out the door with the lasting comment...'thats 2 years progress for you, if you love me you will make the effort' and slammed it on his way out. What sort of effort does he think ive been making anyway.
Weve been together 12 years (since I was 18) and married for nearly 3yrs and now im questioning my whole adult life. Bloody hell as if life isnt complicated enough????????????
God ive just read all that back. I am feeling sorry for myself arent I?
Anyway Ive spent the day furiously decorating the bathroom to give him something to be pleased about so now im off to pour the rest of the paint over the bath and go for a drive!!!!!
thanks guys xxx
love Sarah
xxxx
ps ive changed my idea about my signature message..i truly am turning into a nutcase...lol
pps...Hey Pauline...wanna run away together and leave the idiots to it...lol
we arent mad, just the next stage of evolution :)
Hi Sarah
So much for the apology then starting on you all over again. You are not a nut case at all. I think he is putting immense pressure on you and through this he is making you worse. I think you need to point that out to him. We all need time and space to get over this without other people jumping in giving us threats and ultimatums. We can only go at the pace we feel comfortable with. Remind him you dont feel like this for a laugh!!! Like me i bet wede all give anything to feel well and have never met the horrible Mr. Panic. You hang in there and be strong as you have been with him. Yes he is obviously frustrated probably because he knows that he hasnt been as suppostive as he can be and is taking out on you. Im cant comment how you feel though because whilst ive been ill i have never had a partner long enough for them to be going through this with me, but i do know i would be mortified like you are. Keep positive and we are all here to help you.
P.S. if you run away dont forget me LOL
Lots of love Sal xxxxx
Hmmm, certainly knows how to raise your self esteem to aid your recovery, doesn't he??
I feel so angry reading your post. How dare he say he will take away the computer and playstation? Does he think that by these actions, you will somehow become cured overnight?
Don't be beaten down by him, Sarah. You have every right in the world to be treated with respect.
Be strong, Sarah.
Kate x
Dear Sarah,
At least he did get an apology out .......
It does show though that he still loves you- even if its the old Sarah he wants. That's what you're aiming for too.
Men love to provide the solutions (fast) and his innovative (not) curing ideas are all he can come up with. Does show though that he really wants to help but doesn't know how to.
You've every right to be feeling sorry for yourself- he's treated you appallingly and been cruel as well.
How much does he actually understand of how far you've come in this journey and what you are doing to improve...
It is a slow process but you have plenty of examples that do show the progress.
Maybe that sometime during the weekend you manage to have a reasonable conversation where you can both share some time non shouting and try to find a path you can both be comfortable on form teh next few months .
We're here for you.
Sorry its been such a hurtful day .
You are not nuts - to the contrary I think you should be proud of how rational you've been.
Love
Meg
hya matey,dont know wot to say (not like me)ime sorry your going through this,thats really all i can say,ime lost for words,but your in my thoughts.
love from bryan xxx.
nomorepanic
14-05-04, 18:39
Wow Sarah
Just read this. I do hope you are ok mate?
If I had read it earlier today I would have called you (not that I have a number for you, but you have mine).
People can be so cruel can't they?
Alex only once said to me "pull youself together" and wondered why the phone went dead. He never said it again. The previous boyfriend just left me because of the panic but never told me I was useless etc, just told me he couldn't live with all the anger, abuse, shouting, illness etc.
I think he may be frustrated with you but I know that doesn't excuse him shouting at you. I think he is finding it hard to cope with you and coupled with the giving up drinking, he can't cope.
Maybe he thinks that the softly softly approach is not working so he is going for shock therapy.
Don't get me wrong, I think he is wrong to shout and threaten silly things like taking the car away and the PC etc. I am just trying to see his perspective too to give you some comfort (I hope). This is all coming out wrong, but what I mean is that he surely does love you and you have been together 12 years so that must say something mustn't it?
Perhaps he is struggling to come off the drink. I think that you know I stopped drinking so much and to be honest I felt bad after 3 days and much more grumpy. I guess he could feel the same.
I have been really cruel to Alex recently and calling him such things as a "waste of space" and "a useless b****d". This was not for the same reason as you, obviously, but I am just so frustrated at him for not doing stuff around the house that I just blew my top.
Maybe he is doing the same. I appreciate the situation is different but the feelings may be the same. I am frustrated at Alex and he is frustrated at you. I say some horrid things to him when I am in that kind of mood.
I threatened to leave Alex and if I hadn't had drink (so couldn't drive) then like you, I would have been off on my own for a few days.
You know that there are loads of people on here that will put you up for a few days. You can come here and have the run of the house to yourself all day if you want?
Please post again and tell us that you are ok and I am really hugging you now.
Take care mate
xxxx
Nicola
Hi Sarah
what can i say i'm speechless not like me at all,;) to say he is sorry and then in the next breath say all that, well there is just no excuse's at all. good for you for not crying and getting your point across. DO NOT let him bully you nobody deserves that. I don't care if he is fighting coming of the drink there is no need for it a Marriage is a partnership and it says in sickness and in health for someone who is supposed to love you he has a funny way of showing it. Sorry i'm on me high horse at the moment it just gets me so mad:(that he can hurt you so much. Ok i'll calm down now and yes i'll run away with you. Where shall we go?
Take care
Pauline
nomorepanic
14-05-04, 20:38
Sarah
Since posting I have been thinking about you and my post. I am not going to remove it or edit it but I feel that you may take it the wrong way and you know I wouldn't do anything to hurt you.
I am not defending Steve (that is his name isn't it?), I was just trying to explain why he may have done it and why he may be so angry towards you.
I truly believe that you can sort this out so that is why I kinda defended him because if you came back here and said you had forgiven him then some people may think that you gave in to him or something like that.
I just wanted to try and say that he does love you and yes he hurt you but please try and work it out. You have been together so long and I am sure you can sort it. If I am wrong then I am sorry.
Take care
x
xxxx
Nicola
Hi FLASH, You might not of noticed but i aint good at the
sympathy bit ,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I been there girl, it not easy
Not much i can say, but you can always pop around my house
If you need a few hrs to hide ,,,,,,,,,,, you can phone if you
really got nothing else in your boring existance he he
herSUpreemgreatness ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Its hard mate
HI Sarah
Hope things have gone a bit better tonight. I don't like the line about you doing the bathroom to please him - after all that he should be pleasing you![:0]
Anyway, I hope you have been able to make some peace tonight. If not you know where we are....
Lots of love
Emily
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit
Understanding is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad
Hi Sarah
Just read your messages. I am sorry : 0 (
I have been down that exact road to with an ex! So I know how you feel.
Just keep telling yourself you are a wonderful person! and please don't ever think you are a burden!!!!!! you are definately NOT!(I know its hard!!!)
Try to keep your chin up! If ever feel like a chat or to offload lots of c***p feel free to go into my profile and E-mail me anytime!
Take care and you are not NUTS!!!
Thinking of ya
Love PIP'SXX
Sarah,
Dependence on anything is hard long term. Be it alcohol or us on a safety person and trying to give any of these up is difficult and takes courage and determination.
Unfortunately alcohol does bring with it mood swings and intolerence whether its too much or withdrawal.
I hope you had a good night out and that sometime this weekend you can have a reasonable conversation.
You are a strong person - your progress demonstrates that - and you will get much better. He needs to learn how to assist in this and find a better outlet for his anger.
Shouting expletives at someone never improved a situation..
Thinking of you this morning.
Love
Meg
Hi Sarah
How are things today? I hope you have both had chance to talk and maybe things are a little better. Stay strong and remember you two have been together a long time. Not defending how he spoke to you but maybe he is struggling now on how to help you and thought shock tactics could work. We no they cant, but to people who dont suffer you never know what they think.
Take care and let us know how you are today
Lots of love Sal xxxx
Once again guys THANKYOU SO MUCH for your great words of wisdom and comfort. Youve pulled me through again and I dont feel quite so sorry for myself anymore. I havent forgiven him but then we havent exactly had a chance to talk yet but youve all given me some valid points so I can put my case to him sensibly.
Nic - theres no way I was offended by what you said in your post, you are totally right in what you say, he is frustrated with me and I do think the drinking has held it off till now. And yes I guess he must love me or he would have been out of the door before now wouldnt he?
Meg - The thing that sparked it off was the fact that he gets me out of bed at 8am each day to make me 'normal' and yesterday I made myself a cuppa and sat back in bed to drink it and read the paper and wake up properly..well he came back home to get something he had forgotten at around 8.30am and caught me in bed and assumed I had gone back to have a kip for the rest of the day..hence the 'lazy' accusation.
Oh and another thing hat is really bugging him and making him worse is the fact that I have put on weight, ive dyed my hair and arent blonde anymore and all the panic stuff.- he says I look bad but ive had nothing but compliments even from harsh truth telling mates..lol
Kate,Sal,Pips,Em,Su,Pauline,Bryan - thanks for your words too..youve all been a great help:D
Well last night I had a bath at around 6pm, got out and promptly fell asleep on the bed after still in my wet towel and with wet hair. Steve woke me up to ask if I was alright and I went straight back to sleep and didnt wake up till 8 this morning (still wrapped in damp towel and hair sticking up all over the place..lol)..all that bad feeling must have knackered me out!!!!
Well he actually made me a cup of tea before he left for work and he's phoned since to see if I need a lift tonight and if I am ok (no sign of another argument yet).
Ive cut the grass, trimmed the hedge, been out for a nice long walk up the highstreet and out for a drive today..keeping myself busy as im also nervous about the hen night ive got tonight.
Pauline - how are you after your argument? are things any better?
Well im off to put on some fake tan for tonight so thanks again for everything - including all your offers of places to stay or hide in..much appreciated
love Sarah
xx
we arent mad, just the next stage of evolution :)
Glad you are feeling better Sarah - hope you have a brilliant time tonight with all those naked men!!!!
Emily
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit
Understanding is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad
Hi Sarah
glab that things are better for you. It a shame that things get the way they do, but i do wonder about the getting you out of bed to make you !NORMAL! thing. Are you not already !normal! My fella shouts and yells cause he knows he is in the wrong so to take the heat of him he turns it on me. For years that kind of behaviour has worked. But not anymore since i have had councelling and just grown up even though i'm 42 its only now i'm beginning to see that i have allowed him to get away with behaviour that is just not acceptable and since i have started not acting like the victim he has more respect for me not as much as i would like but well its a start.
I do think that your hubby does love you or as you say why is he still there and thats what i tell myself to. I also do try to see it from his point of view having a partner who is frightend to go places that they do with out even thinking about it. Also not sure if your like this but somedays i'm not that bad but other days just to go to my local shop is a struggle so it must be so confusing for them. Anyway from what you have said you sound like a person who does as much as you can for him so he should treat you with love and respect. Be strong sarah.
Take care
Pauline
Glad a really good nights sleep has helped you today.
I hope you have a fabulous night tonight.
Seems his anger has subsided- hopefully without any alcohol.
Do you think that he feels that he's doing his bit to support you each day but on coming home and finding you back in bed he felt cheated and that you were not ' doing your bit' and were taking it easy and pulling the wool over his eyes.
Thus the primal red mist came down and the rest is history ..
This would be supported in his mind by the gaining weight thing - which may be in part due to meds.
Glad there is calm at present.
I hope you can talk tomorrow.
Good luck
Meg
'There can only be true courage when first there is genuine fear'
Dr.David Livingstone
nomorepanic
15-05-04, 19:12
Hi Sarah
Good to hear from you - I was worried about you!
I am glad that I didn't offend you, I was just trying to explain why he might be like he was.
Well done for bouncing back as well - you keep it up ok and don't let him get you down.
Hope to chat again soon
xxxx
Nicola
Hi Sarah
Pleased to hear you have had a better day today. It always helps when you can manage to get a good nights sleep. Hope you enjoy your night out. Chill and relax, its your time.
Take care
Sal xxxx
Hi Sarah,
Glad things are a little easier for you today.
I hope you made it to the Full Monty & you had a great time!
Take care
Love Pip'sXX
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