Think I'm having a turning 30 crisis.......

[Little elfin]

I'm going to be 30 very soon, I've always maintained that it's just a number, nothing more, but at the same time it's been my 'ideal' age. Since I can remember I was soo sure that by 30 I'd
1. be anxiety free
2. be happy
3. enjoy my job
4. have wonderful friends

etc, etc.

I feel like i've put my life on hold for this 'magical' day. Now I realise that there isn't a magical day when I'll be just fine and have all of the above.

My head feels like it's going to explode today. I've been in the same job since I was 17 - manager of a small shop - but I now know that I've only stayed there because it feels 'safe', (anxiety began at 17/18) if i feel anxious I can close up for a bit etc. But it is sooo lonely working here, the products are expensive so I only need a single customer to have a good day - money wise, so I spend most days alone. Now I know that I don't want to be here I am sooooooo scared of leaving (to a non safe place) and I have no idea what to do with my life.

Also it's a family company and I run it for them, without me there is no company. I don't want to be thought of as a let down, I'm sure my dad would disown me.

I spend sooo much time ruminating over the past, willing for my best friend to still be alive - the grief of it is agony at times. I seem to have lost all my friends, I don't think they knew how to deal with me loosing my best friend to suicide, my family aren't talking sort of people. Just feel so lonely and anxious and arghhhhhhhhh, like I'm not coping.

It's so scary when anxiety gets so intense, feel like a rabbit in head lights - frozen in rumination.

Sorry if this sounds like a sob story.

L.E
xxx


:bighug1:

[Stormsky]

A change of job could be just what you need, surely if its going to be good for you, then your family would understand? they can always employ a manager for the shop, lots of people out there looking for jobs.
ive said on your previous post, that i also lost a friend to suicide years ago...you cant live iin the past....you have to let it go, everything, even a minute ago, is now the past.... theres no life for you there iin the past...
How can you start a new chapter in your life, when you keep re-reading the last one....

[Little elfin]

Thanks, just get so overwhelmed at times. How did you deal with your friend going? I think I made the mistake of bottling it all up and now it's all exploding out.
xx

[Deepest Blue]

Hi LE,

I can really relate to your post in terms of trying to aim or plan to achieve something by a certain time in life or a certain age I reach, but the truth is that it almost never turns out the way you want it....

I am so sorry that you had lost your friend, I feel your sadness and pain about the loss but I also think that your friend would probably urge you to try and be happy and just think about the good times you had together and then turn the sadness into joy for those times as they still reside in your heart, those memories never go but also its time to make some new memories and your friend would really want that for you.

In terms of your job, I think you should put yourself first and do what makes you happy. Of course stability is very important but also having a job that you look forward to every day and can excel in would certainly help with your anxiety because at the moment its certainly no challange where you are which isn't enabling you to improve and better yourself in a job thats going nowhere, you seem to have so much to offer and you're holding back, you need stimulation. Finding a new job will allow you to meet more people and make new friendships whilst at the same time allowing it to become a challange which will help take your mind off the anxiety...

...but I can also understand that whilst in theory the above sounds like part of the answer, I can really appreciate that it's not as simple to achieve as it sounds. I think you can do it though, I believe you're really crying out for a change within yourself to the point where you're going to find that extra courage to change things around.

I hope you're OK,
Take care of you for me.

[crystal17]

30 isn't as scary as it feels its going to be! Think of it as a turning point: use the energy you feel about it for positive effect and set yourself goals to achieve. Believe it or not, its actually quite a liberating feeling to get into your thirties :)

[Stormsky]

Thanks, just get so overwhelmed at times. How did you deal with your friend going? I think I made the mistake of bottling it all up and now it's all exploding out.
xx

i didnt deal with it well myself to be honest.... kept thinking i should have done more to help her.... thinking i was young and selfish.... but theres nothing i could have done, her family were very loving and they couldnt save her, so i know i couldnt have either....
if its still raw, then dont bottle it up, talk about it....can you talk to their family?
I always broke down crying everytime i visited her family... they were stronger than me....
For me its been 22yrs since she died now.... i do often think what we would be doing together now if she was still here...
Its not easy, only time will help heal.....xx

[Little elfin]

Hi LE,

I can really relate to your post in terms of trying to aim or plan to achieve something by a certain time in life or a certain age I reach, but the truth is that it almost never turns out the way you want it....

I am so sorry that you had lost your friend, I feel your sadness and pain about the loss but I also think that your friend would probably urge you to try and be happy and just think about the good times you had together and then turn the sadness into joy for those times as they still reside in your heart, those memories never go but also its time to make some new memories and your friend would really want that for you.

In terms of your job, I think you should put yourself first and do what makes you happy. Of course stability is very important but also having a job that you look forward to every day and can excel in would certainly help with your anxiety because at the moment its certainly no challange where you are which isn't enabling you to improve and better yourself in a job thats going nowhere, you seem to have so much to offer and you're holding back, you need stimulation. Finding a new job will allow you to meet more people and make new friendships whilst at the same time allowing it to become a challange which will help take your mind off the anxiety...

...but I can also understand that whilst in theory the above sounds like part of the answer, I can really appreciate that it's not as simple to achieve as it sounds. I think you can do it though, I believe you're really crying out for a change within yourself to the point where you're going to find that extra courage to change things around.

I hope you're OK,
Take care of you for me.


Thank you soooo much for your reply. Anxiety just overwhelms me soooo much some times, and I feel like I'm going to go mad. My job certainly doesn't help as I have all the time in the world to ruminate on on the crap, then anxiety kicks in and I end up obsessing about whats wrong with me, is it this, is it that. Grrrrrrrrrrr, anxiety sucks!!
xxx