Pandy
17-04-12, 22:54
Hi, I am a 21 year old male from Manchester, UK. This could take a long time to read, but I really need to know what is wrong with me, I don't blame anyone for coming here, seeing how much writing there is and clicking back off it, it is a lot to read. But if you have the patience, please read and try to explain, and thank you.
I will write anything that has happened in my life that may relate to why I am like this.
Before I start, I would like to point out a couple of things for the sake of my 'story'. When I was a baby, me and my brothers and sister were taken into foster care for a few years, the only thing I can remember about being in foster care was me and my older brother being physically abused by out foster mother, she would hit us for being sick, and she would take advantage of things we were scared of, by purposely making us frightened. I don't remember anything other than that. At around 5-6 years old, we were returned to my mum as she had done what social services asked her to do, leave my dad and move away from the area he then lived in. My dad was a drug addict and he physically abused my mum, and sometimes us too, but again, I do not remember this, I only know this from things my older brother told me he witnessed. My mum brought me and my brothers and sister up on her own from then.
I thought it may be necessary to mention that first, as it may have something to do with why I am like the way I am, but like I said, I do not remember anything myself, other than being abused in care. I really don't know, but I thought I would mention it just in case. (also, I would like to point out that me and my brother never mentioned to anyone that we were abused in care, we only mentioned it to my mum about 2 years ago, she contacted social services, but they said it was too late to do anything about it)
Since being a young child, I have always been a shy person, I was and always have been extremely close to my mum, and I never wanted to leave her side, when I went to primary school, I would cry my eyes out saying I wanted to go home, and I'd convince myself that I was going to be sick, I actually felt sick everyday as soon as my mum left me at school then when I got home to my mum I was suddenly better.
At high school, I was slightly similar but not so bad, I would sometimes pretend I was ill because I didn't want to go to school and wanted to stay home with my mum, I felt a lot safer with her. This all seemed like normal behavior to me, as I know some children don't want to go to school because they want to be with someone they feel safe.
As I grew older, I was always still close to my mum, I went everywhere with her, whenever she went out I always had to go with her, and sometimes when she went on nights out with friends and family while my grandparents babysat, I would cry because I was scared, I was never sure why I was scared, but on some occasions I had a feeling she would never return, I have no idea why I felt like this because she'd never left us, and I was too young to remember my dad leaving so it couldn't have had anything to do with that, maybe it was because I was in care for a few years, but again, I don't really remember much about being in care, just a few faint memories.
I left school at 16 and I went to college the same year, I was studying computing and networking, at first I was frightened, for some reason I was afraid because I didn't know anyone there, but eventually I got to know 2 other lads who seemed quiet themselves, and as the weeks went by I felt better, less frightened. After a few months it started creeping up on me again, I suddenly started feeling scared again, so I never returned after the Christmas holidays.
At the age of 17 I spent most of my time with 2 of my friends that I had known since being a very young child (they lived near my grandparents so I met them when I visited my grandparents), my 2 friends were in fact a couple, I was only friends with one of them at first, and met the female through my sister, and my best friend and my sister's friend became a couple, and we all became best friends. Anyway, my female friend (let's call her M) had a female friend (lets call her S) that she met at school (they were both 2 years younger than us), and she sometimes came to hang with us, I got to know S and eventually asked her out, to be honest i wasn't really attracted to her but at the time I weighed over 18 stone and felt like it was my only chance to be with a girl, and we were friends at the time so we got along. We were together for only 2 months, she took advantage of me, treated me like dirt, then dumped me over the phone while she was at school while her friends laughed in the background, I knew they were laughing at me.
After that I was depressed for months, I would sit in my bedroom crying my eyes out, ringing and texting S asking for her to get back with me. My mum and sister tried their best to make me feel better but nothing worked, I spent all day and night crying none-stop. I started smoking cannabis because when I smoked it I felt like nothing was wrong anymore, but as the feelings all came back after the effects of cannabis wore off, I smoked more and more until I was high all day, go to sleep high, wake up and get high again, I felt a lot better as I didn't have nothing to worry about. When I was high I was happy.
4 months later, I was talking to an old school friend on the internet, then 5 minutes after that his cousin (lets call her C) added me and we got talking, we spoke for a few weeks until we arranged to meet. Before I went to meet her, I had to drink 2 cans of lager as I was petrified. When I met her, I was so nervous that we didn't speak a word to each other until the end of the night, it was very awkward at the time. At the end of the night we kissed and went out separate ways home, after a couple of days we suddenly slipped into a relationship, none of us asked the other out, we just agreed we were starting a relationship (as weird as it sounds). She was 3 years younger than me, so I was a bit unsure at first, but it seemed like something was pushing me to do it, like it was meant to be. At this time, I stopped smoking cannabis, I was happy without it now.
The first few weeks of the relationship was perfect, but after a few more weeks things started to get rocky, C was doing things behind my back, she wasn't cheating on me but she was doing other things like flirting with other guys, including her ex boyfriend. She then ended the relationship as she said she wanted to be with someone else. I was extremely upset again, but the same day she told me she had made a mistake, that she didn't realize what she was doing until she did it. We got back together, but we were in an on-off relationship, we kept arguing, and splitting up, then getting back together, she was very immature. On my 18th birthday we had a small get together, me my brother, a few friends, and my girlfriend C. Everything was great and I had a few drinks with my friends. At the end of the night we had a big argument, and it ended with my kicking a lamppost extremely hard (I had to have it x-rayed), and taking an overdose on the tablets I have for my back pain. I was in hospital all night, I was fine but I had to go to hospital to be on the safe side. We did get back together the next day.
Me and C argued a lot, and we both took overdoses a couple of times because of this, but we were in love so it never kept us apart. After about a year and a half, things started to calm down, we stopped arguing as much, we would only have small arguments like any normal couple, now and again. Just under 2 years into our relationship, C fell pregnant, things were a bit rocky between us throughout the pregnancy, but nothing like it used to be. C had matured alot by now so things were perfect. In November 2010 we got our own flat, just me and C, and then in December 2010 we had a baby boy, it was the best moment in our lives. We were both extremely happy by this time, but I still went to see my mum almost everyday.
Me and C are still together today, we are engaged to be married, and have another baby on the way. I am happy.
I feel like I have wasted your time because all of that may have nothing to do with why I am the way I am, but I wanted to mention as much as my life as I could, as anything could have caused me to be like this:
When I am around people I don't know, I am terrified, I feel nervous, start shaking, I sweat, and I try to get out of there as soon as I can. When someone that I don't know tries to speak to me, I get all these symptoms taking over my body to the fact that I don't concentrate on what they said, so I smile and look away, I then start getting even more nervous because I worry that they then think I am being ignorant. If I hear anyone around me laughing, I get upset because I feel like they are laughing at me, if someone looks at me I get paranoid wondering why they are looking at me.
I have only had 2 jobs since leaving school, my first job was telephone canvassing, I had to ring numbers from a set list and ask them to complete a survey, my brother worked there too and I wasn't dealing with people in person so I wasn't really scared, just paranoid that people around me were listening to my phone conversations and laughing at me. I left that job after a month because I was 2 surveys below the target of 25 surveys everyday, so the boss kept threatening to sack me if I didn't reach the target. So I started a new job the very next day. My second job was a packer in a warehouse, at first I had to build boxes and pack light bulbs into them. There was a very friendly middle-aged woman who worked next to me, she was extremely helpful and I happily chatted to her now and again, for some reason I wasn't nervous, shaky, or sweating, it was like I had known her for years. I was happy packing lightbulbs. I was then moved to packing cereal boxes into multipacks, I was working on my own at this point, the closest people to me were the people who put the ceral boxes on the conveyor belt for me to pack. All I had to do was pack 6 cereal boxes into one bigger box, tape the top of the box, stamp it with a best before date, and stack it onto a crate. The piles on the end of the conveyor belt was growing bigger and bigger, I just couldn't catch up, I started feeling nervous, shaking, and sweating again, until I just walked out because I couldn't stand the way I was feeling. I have been trying to find a job to suite me ever since, but I am frightened that I will go into a job, get all these feeling back again and leave, and I can't keep doing that.
When I get nervous, shaking, and sweating, I also feel tingles in my hands and feet, sort of like pins and needles, and as unlikely as it sounds, it is a extremely horrible experience, I feel like crying because I can't cope with how I am feeling.
Whenever I am ill or have something wrong, I am afraid to visit the doctor because I worry that he will laugh once I walk out, or that he will think I am lying.
Back to the subject of my mum; to this day I still have to see my mum as often as possible, and I still have no idea why. My fiancee wants to move away from this area (my mum lives round the corner from our house) to get away from her family who pester us too much, but as much as I would love to get away from her family, I cannot stand living too far from my mum, I prefer to live in walking distance, I also feel safe in the area I live at the moment, and scared of moving to an area I don't know very well.
I am always worrying about things, mostly about getting a job, worrying 24/7 that i'll never be able to get the perfect job, this is really ruining my life, I just want to be happy, with a happy family and a good job to provide for my family.
My mum is now unable to walk on her own, she has to use crutches or a wheelchair to get about, this is because she was ran over by a car when she was 19 and was told that it would effect her when she got older, and it has. Since her legs started going bad I feel like I need to be here for her more than ever, my brothers and my sister don't really see her much, one of my brothers and my sister also live on there own with their partner and children, but my older brother still lived with my mum, he does help her sometimes, but I worry that he doesn't help enough. I just feel like I have to be near her at all times, I have always felt like this, and I have no clue why.
I am sorry if this has wasted your time, it could be nothing, but it is effecting my life in a massive way, especially with jobs. Someone please explain why I am like this, and what I can do to overcome it. I want to overcome the strange feelings I get around people I don't know and in jobs, etc. Being close to my mum is not something I really want to overcome, I just want to know if there is a reason why I am like that with her.
I have never told anyone about this, most people around my have their own problems to deal with and I worry that most people won't believe or just won't be bothered.
Also, I don't know if this is related in anyway, but i'll mention it anyway; I get irritated from weird things, for example; I have to put the tv volume on an even number, if it is on an odd number I cannot concentrate on what I am watching, as my brain keeps mithering me to put the volume on an even number, also I am extremely superstitious, I won't cross lamposts, I salute magpies, I wont walk under ladders, I won't walk under signs, I wont walk on 3 grids because someone once told me it was bad luck. I also get strange tremors through my body now and again. There are more but I cannot remember. Again, I do not know if this is related but I'll mention it anyway.
If you are reading this part, then I thank you very much for having so much patience, and I am sorry to have wasted your time.
I will write anything that has happened in my life that may relate to why I am like this.
Before I start, I would like to point out a couple of things for the sake of my 'story'. When I was a baby, me and my brothers and sister were taken into foster care for a few years, the only thing I can remember about being in foster care was me and my older brother being physically abused by out foster mother, she would hit us for being sick, and she would take advantage of things we were scared of, by purposely making us frightened. I don't remember anything other than that. At around 5-6 years old, we were returned to my mum as she had done what social services asked her to do, leave my dad and move away from the area he then lived in. My dad was a drug addict and he physically abused my mum, and sometimes us too, but again, I do not remember this, I only know this from things my older brother told me he witnessed. My mum brought me and my brothers and sister up on her own from then.
I thought it may be necessary to mention that first, as it may have something to do with why I am like the way I am, but like I said, I do not remember anything myself, other than being abused in care. I really don't know, but I thought I would mention it just in case. (also, I would like to point out that me and my brother never mentioned to anyone that we were abused in care, we only mentioned it to my mum about 2 years ago, she contacted social services, but they said it was too late to do anything about it)
Since being a young child, I have always been a shy person, I was and always have been extremely close to my mum, and I never wanted to leave her side, when I went to primary school, I would cry my eyes out saying I wanted to go home, and I'd convince myself that I was going to be sick, I actually felt sick everyday as soon as my mum left me at school then when I got home to my mum I was suddenly better.
At high school, I was slightly similar but not so bad, I would sometimes pretend I was ill because I didn't want to go to school and wanted to stay home with my mum, I felt a lot safer with her. This all seemed like normal behavior to me, as I know some children don't want to go to school because they want to be with someone they feel safe.
As I grew older, I was always still close to my mum, I went everywhere with her, whenever she went out I always had to go with her, and sometimes when she went on nights out with friends and family while my grandparents babysat, I would cry because I was scared, I was never sure why I was scared, but on some occasions I had a feeling she would never return, I have no idea why I felt like this because she'd never left us, and I was too young to remember my dad leaving so it couldn't have had anything to do with that, maybe it was because I was in care for a few years, but again, I don't really remember much about being in care, just a few faint memories.
I left school at 16 and I went to college the same year, I was studying computing and networking, at first I was frightened, for some reason I was afraid because I didn't know anyone there, but eventually I got to know 2 other lads who seemed quiet themselves, and as the weeks went by I felt better, less frightened. After a few months it started creeping up on me again, I suddenly started feeling scared again, so I never returned after the Christmas holidays.
At the age of 17 I spent most of my time with 2 of my friends that I had known since being a very young child (they lived near my grandparents so I met them when I visited my grandparents), my 2 friends were in fact a couple, I was only friends with one of them at first, and met the female through my sister, and my best friend and my sister's friend became a couple, and we all became best friends. Anyway, my female friend (let's call her M) had a female friend (lets call her S) that she met at school (they were both 2 years younger than us), and she sometimes came to hang with us, I got to know S and eventually asked her out, to be honest i wasn't really attracted to her but at the time I weighed over 18 stone and felt like it was my only chance to be with a girl, and we were friends at the time so we got along. We were together for only 2 months, she took advantage of me, treated me like dirt, then dumped me over the phone while she was at school while her friends laughed in the background, I knew they were laughing at me.
After that I was depressed for months, I would sit in my bedroom crying my eyes out, ringing and texting S asking for her to get back with me. My mum and sister tried their best to make me feel better but nothing worked, I spent all day and night crying none-stop. I started smoking cannabis because when I smoked it I felt like nothing was wrong anymore, but as the feelings all came back after the effects of cannabis wore off, I smoked more and more until I was high all day, go to sleep high, wake up and get high again, I felt a lot better as I didn't have nothing to worry about. When I was high I was happy.
4 months later, I was talking to an old school friend on the internet, then 5 minutes after that his cousin (lets call her C) added me and we got talking, we spoke for a few weeks until we arranged to meet. Before I went to meet her, I had to drink 2 cans of lager as I was petrified. When I met her, I was so nervous that we didn't speak a word to each other until the end of the night, it was very awkward at the time. At the end of the night we kissed and went out separate ways home, after a couple of days we suddenly slipped into a relationship, none of us asked the other out, we just agreed we were starting a relationship (as weird as it sounds). She was 3 years younger than me, so I was a bit unsure at first, but it seemed like something was pushing me to do it, like it was meant to be. At this time, I stopped smoking cannabis, I was happy without it now.
The first few weeks of the relationship was perfect, but after a few more weeks things started to get rocky, C was doing things behind my back, she wasn't cheating on me but she was doing other things like flirting with other guys, including her ex boyfriend. She then ended the relationship as she said she wanted to be with someone else. I was extremely upset again, but the same day she told me she had made a mistake, that she didn't realize what she was doing until she did it. We got back together, but we were in an on-off relationship, we kept arguing, and splitting up, then getting back together, she was very immature. On my 18th birthday we had a small get together, me my brother, a few friends, and my girlfriend C. Everything was great and I had a few drinks with my friends. At the end of the night we had a big argument, and it ended with my kicking a lamppost extremely hard (I had to have it x-rayed), and taking an overdose on the tablets I have for my back pain. I was in hospital all night, I was fine but I had to go to hospital to be on the safe side. We did get back together the next day.
Me and C argued a lot, and we both took overdoses a couple of times because of this, but we were in love so it never kept us apart. After about a year and a half, things started to calm down, we stopped arguing as much, we would only have small arguments like any normal couple, now and again. Just under 2 years into our relationship, C fell pregnant, things were a bit rocky between us throughout the pregnancy, but nothing like it used to be. C had matured alot by now so things were perfect. In November 2010 we got our own flat, just me and C, and then in December 2010 we had a baby boy, it was the best moment in our lives. We were both extremely happy by this time, but I still went to see my mum almost everyday.
Me and C are still together today, we are engaged to be married, and have another baby on the way. I am happy.
I feel like I have wasted your time because all of that may have nothing to do with why I am the way I am, but I wanted to mention as much as my life as I could, as anything could have caused me to be like this:
When I am around people I don't know, I am terrified, I feel nervous, start shaking, I sweat, and I try to get out of there as soon as I can. When someone that I don't know tries to speak to me, I get all these symptoms taking over my body to the fact that I don't concentrate on what they said, so I smile and look away, I then start getting even more nervous because I worry that they then think I am being ignorant. If I hear anyone around me laughing, I get upset because I feel like they are laughing at me, if someone looks at me I get paranoid wondering why they are looking at me.
I have only had 2 jobs since leaving school, my first job was telephone canvassing, I had to ring numbers from a set list and ask them to complete a survey, my brother worked there too and I wasn't dealing with people in person so I wasn't really scared, just paranoid that people around me were listening to my phone conversations and laughing at me. I left that job after a month because I was 2 surveys below the target of 25 surveys everyday, so the boss kept threatening to sack me if I didn't reach the target. So I started a new job the very next day. My second job was a packer in a warehouse, at first I had to build boxes and pack light bulbs into them. There was a very friendly middle-aged woman who worked next to me, she was extremely helpful and I happily chatted to her now and again, for some reason I wasn't nervous, shaky, or sweating, it was like I had known her for years. I was happy packing lightbulbs. I was then moved to packing cereal boxes into multipacks, I was working on my own at this point, the closest people to me were the people who put the ceral boxes on the conveyor belt for me to pack. All I had to do was pack 6 cereal boxes into one bigger box, tape the top of the box, stamp it with a best before date, and stack it onto a crate. The piles on the end of the conveyor belt was growing bigger and bigger, I just couldn't catch up, I started feeling nervous, shaking, and sweating again, until I just walked out because I couldn't stand the way I was feeling. I have been trying to find a job to suite me ever since, but I am frightened that I will go into a job, get all these feeling back again and leave, and I can't keep doing that.
When I get nervous, shaking, and sweating, I also feel tingles in my hands and feet, sort of like pins and needles, and as unlikely as it sounds, it is a extremely horrible experience, I feel like crying because I can't cope with how I am feeling.
Whenever I am ill or have something wrong, I am afraid to visit the doctor because I worry that he will laugh once I walk out, or that he will think I am lying.
Back to the subject of my mum; to this day I still have to see my mum as often as possible, and I still have no idea why. My fiancee wants to move away from this area (my mum lives round the corner from our house) to get away from her family who pester us too much, but as much as I would love to get away from her family, I cannot stand living too far from my mum, I prefer to live in walking distance, I also feel safe in the area I live at the moment, and scared of moving to an area I don't know very well.
I am always worrying about things, mostly about getting a job, worrying 24/7 that i'll never be able to get the perfect job, this is really ruining my life, I just want to be happy, with a happy family and a good job to provide for my family.
My mum is now unable to walk on her own, she has to use crutches or a wheelchair to get about, this is because she was ran over by a car when she was 19 and was told that it would effect her when she got older, and it has. Since her legs started going bad I feel like I need to be here for her more than ever, my brothers and my sister don't really see her much, one of my brothers and my sister also live on there own with their partner and children, but my older brother still lived with my mum, he does help her sometimes, but I worry that he doesn't help enough. I just feel like I have to be near her at all times, I have always felt like this, and I have no clue why.
I am sorry if this has wasted your time, it could be nothing, but it is effecting my life in a massive way, especially with jobs. Someone please explain why I am like this, and what I can do to overcome it. I want to overcome the strange feelings I get around people I don't know and in jobs, etc. Being close to my mum is not something I really want to overcome, I just want to know if there is a reason why I am like that with her.
I have never told anyone about this, most people around my have their own problems to deal with and I worry that most people won't believe or just won't be bothered.
Also, I don't know if this is related in anyway, but i'll mention it anyway; I get irritated from weird things, for example; I have to put the tv volume on an even number, if it is on an odd number I cannot concentrate on what I am watching, as my brain keeps mithering me to put the volume on an even number, also I am extremely superstitious, I won't cross lamposts, I salute magpies, I wont walk under ladders, I won't walk under signs, I wont walk on 3 grids because someone once told me it was bad luck. I also get strange tremors through my body now and again. There are more but I cannot remember. Again, I do not know if this is related but I'll mention it anyway.
If you are reading this part, then I thank you very much for having so much patience, and I am sorry to have wasted your time.