Why do we feel this way?

[AngelHeart]

Like even when you seem to be feeling ok theres still an undercurrant? Only way to describe it is that you still have an edge thats ready to tip all the time? I've been doing ok, better than what I was. Sleep ok, back to the gym. But I still have this just on edge feeling even when I'm having a good day. I'm far better than what I was and maybe get one very anxious day a week now, but just cant shake this feeling all together , like I could just go into full panic if I let myself. Will it ever go away? Does it seem like I'm recovering? Anyone else have this please? Thank you xx

[Stormsky]

If anx has been with us a long time, its hard to let it go, and can feel like its just sitting there waiting to erupt...
You do sound like your recovering though, i mean you feel good most of the time, so that tells you something....
but i know what you mean about it lurking someone in the back of our minds... maybe its us hanging on to it, looking to see if its still there....

[sickandtired]

I had this .....after those absolute manic,horrible first few weeks ,then came the very up and down days,then the lull,and a few weeks of questioning how I was feeling all the time,still worried in the back of my mind that at any time I might go into blind panic and collapse in a heap on the floor,because Id failed again........and it does wear off very gradually.....you dont even notice it,but it does go and you ask yourself..."am I feeling ok? and you smile,because for the first time in months......you are panic free and positive about the future,want to get out and do things....the confidence just builds and builds......the more you do to help yourself recover,the better xxx

[Stormsky]

Ive also read that we need to stop 'checking in' to see how we feel.... i guess you know when you are truly free when you no longer check in!!

[sickandtired]

Im not on here half as much,so that says it all!!

[AngelHeart]

I understand totally what you mean about looking for the anxiety. If I go to a friends house for a chat I automatically think I'm going to be anxious , I'm ok for the first hour and I keep thinking to myself, I feel ok, I feel ok over and over then I start to feel anxious and cant wait to go home. Its like you say I'm contantly thinking about how I feel all the time and ask myself if I'm going to be anxious so can bring it on myself. Then as you say start to think I'm going to be bad and collapse. Is this a natural part of recovery then? I'm not on any meds, decided to do this on my own. Sometimes my hubby has to remind me how far I've come as I was so bad in the beginning. I have depression now because of it all too but I think I'm getting a handle on this too. Hopefully I will start looking forward to things again shortly. Its been 6 months for me so far . Thanks for your replies xxx

[Stormsky]

ive been off meds over 8 months now... i think part of recovery is definately still looking to see if the anx is still there, and testing to see if we can still feel it, bring in on somehow. Maybe we are scared to let it go!!!! if we keep a bit of it, then it cant spring up on us suddenly ever again....

[AngelHeart]

Yeah, I understand what you mean about being scared to let it go as I feel like if I completely let it go I can't be happy if that makes sense. That I feel like things wont go wrong if I still have it , like a protection . I know that sounds daft. But I can't be completly happy as something will go wrong if I am xx

[Stormsky]

yes its weird, like we are scared to be well again, incase its some sort of joke, and we are going to fall again big time.... but we have to just be grateful for feeling good again, no matter how long it may possibly last ! im sure eventually we will slip into being well again all the time and thoughts of anx will fade for good naturally, so we wont be worrying about all this anyway!

[monika]

I know exactly what you mean! It's like you can control your thoughts to an extent and be calm and normal, but there's still always that underlying residual effect and feeling of anxiety that you're always aware of in the back of your mind...like this kind of dark cloud looming in the background...and you feel like anything could lead to a bad anxious day.
Sometimes I fear I don't want to let go of this feeling because I'm used to it and it's weird to think of being just you without anxiety. But ya know, I'm in a better place then I was a month or two months ago and for that I'm grateful. Our bodies need time to heal. It's been six months and took your body that long to get there, so recovery takes just as long, if not even longer...And what Stormsky said about checking is true, but it's hard to turn that off, lol.
When my anxiety first started, I'd have those moments, minutes or hours where I wouldn't think about it at all and then when it got worse these moments never happened. I was 24/7 aware of it. No break...no peace. Slowly day by day, I'm starting to regain those pieces and moments of time where I'm not aware of the anxiety...it's a gradual process but I'm a lot happier to be here than where I was!

[AngelHeart]

Thank you very much for your reply. I understand exactly what your saying. It worries me ( though I know it shouldnt ) that for the past 2 days Ive been feeling almost 'normal' not in the sense of really happy or anything just normal that ive not been worrying about my health e.t.c . I dont want tohold onto this and would love it to go altogether and I'm trying to be very patient as I know you should take each day as it comes. How long have you been like this for and did you start to have more good days than bad ? I am aware I am much better than what I was and my hubby keeps reminding me all the time. Ive had a good day today, went the gym, shopping, my friends, even had a little dance with my 3 kids and then did my housework but all the time I was aware in the background of my anxiety and how it can surface really quickly and I was feeling a bit sickly over it. Thanks for your reply xx

[Stormsky]

ive been med free 8 months... i have mostly good days every day now... hardly think of anxiety, except for coming on here reminding me!!
might be worth having a break from NMP... to recover you shouldnt spend all day talking about it, reading about it....else youll never forget it....
its easier to let it go the less time you spend your attention on it...

[AngelHeart]

Yes, I ve read about doing that too and TBH I dont spend as much time on here as I use to . I just dip in and out usually and the only reason I'm on it longer now is because I'm of work tonight as I work evenings. So glad you are doing really well, this is something I wanted to do without meds also as I believe ( and this is just my opinion) that it just masks the problem but doesnt make it go away and its us re training our minds and helping ourselves that makes it more sussessful to keep it from returning when we do eventually beat it. :) xx

[Stormsky]

i felt the same, that the only way to beat it is to do it myself... to face whatevers causing it, and not mask it with meds... it only means you have to deal with it somewhere down the road should you come off meds...

[AngelHeart]

Totally true hun :) xx

[Meewah]

Pauline

Like everything in life the feelings will slowly dilute themselves as you gradually get used to the fact that they are only anxiety symptoms. When you truly believe, 100% that the symptoms and feeling you have are caused by anxiety and there is nothing wrong with you, the symptoms will disappear. I do feel the longer you had it the better the pathways between you frontal lobes and your Amagydyla these are the emotional and the fear control centres.

The problem seems to be that just when you are on the mend, bang, life throws you a new challenge that it out of your control and you seem to drop down again. Its like a game of snakes and ladders.


Take Care

Mee

[AngelHeart]

You are totally right hun, I hope it dilutes soon haha. I seem to be on the right path anyway, its been a while when I've sat here and totally feel at ease with myself. In fact I feel like watching a film , something I havent been able to do for a bit :) Hopefully I'm now seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Just got my depression to kick into touch next . shouldnt be hard as it was the panic attacks and anxiety that caused it in the first place ! Thank you x

[cmc46]

I'm so glad I have read this as I thought it was just me, when I am feeling OK it suddenly dawns on me that everything is fine and I am actually feeling alright and what happens then I start to feel bad again almost within seconds, just doesn't make sense, I wish I could shut my thoughts off at times.

[grace17]

Yeah i understand how your feeling totally Pauline as i feel anxious too and feel like it is hard to relax whenever i am outside as i feel so scared of people lol as i feel like i have to be a certain way as sometimes i dont wanna offend anyonw which makes me anxious. xxx

[AngelHeart]

Thanks for your replies. I really apprecaite it. Glad its quite comman as it makes me feel better. Grace I've read your inbox message and will reply soon hun xxx