Professor Yaffle
19-04-12, 21:58
Hi All,
I have been reading some of the posts on this site for a while now and just thought I would share my story of panic attacks and anxiety with you (apologies for length!). Having read some of the posts on here it is helpful to know that many others feel the same way as I do. Panic and anxiety is something that has been with me for many years and over the past couple of years especially, despite seeking help in the form of CBT and medication (low dosage Citalopram), it is something that still stays with me to this day.
My panic attacks probably started in my mid teens. I had a good, supportive family and friends around me (and still do for the most part) and was lucky enough to have a good home and go on the kind holidays and have stuff that many kids would have been envious of, but some issues in my life, related partly to stressful family business related issues as well as some issues around my body/self image (I have a very mild form of Cerebral Palsy and have tried not to let it affect what I do in life too much) meant there was always a bit of stress and anxiety bubbling under the surface and these factors still remain an issue in some ways for me now.
When I was about 15, the first panic attacks started (I didn’t understand what they were at the time and doing a Google search didn’t quite exist back then!). Eating out in restaurants and flying seemed to be a key trigger point and it continues to be an issue for me, nearly 20 years on. I have become somewhat of an expert at avoidance and trying to suppress the issue, but it always is an issue that I can’t seem to shake fully. Most work do’s, holidays, meals out or birthday parties, social events etc. are often a thing to be feared for me. As an example of one that sticks in my mind, at Christmas about 10 years ago, I had a panic attack at a work meal. I was mortified and remember getting up and having to run out of the restaurant in front of everyone to be sick outside. I can remember it, even now, as if it only happened yesterday. The embarrassment, general fuss of others around me and that sudden feeling of impending doom, “tunnel vision” and not really knowing what was happening, had a profound impact on me and many work do’s and similar were a no go area for me for years to come. I am sure that many of you will know those feelings all too well…
A few years later, in my mid-to-late 20’s I actually remember feeling somewhat better (I’m still not fully sure why) and whilst I at times had the occasional “wobble”, I was generally able to go out for meals with friends and family and even went on a plane for the first time in over 10 years! Then, a couple of years ago, I was asked to be a best man (twice in the one year, Mr Popular me ☺!). It was a stressful year for one reason and another. A series of deaths of some of my family members, starting a new job and the overwhelming feeling of having to play what I saw as an important role as best man, got to me a bit. I couldn’t stop thinking about and worrying about it and was also feeling very down but not fully understanding why. It was then that I decided to go to the doctors for help. Despite going a couple of times in the past and trying to clumsily broach the subject, only to leave with a couple of print outs, leaflets or websites to read, this time I actually managed to see someone who took me seriously. Within a few weeks I was booked in for my first session of CBT. To start with, I was really unsure if it was going to do much for me (I can be a bit of a cynic!), but after the 3rd or 4th session, the relief of being able to get some of my thoughts and fears out in the open really did help me. I would leave many of the sessions feeling as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I was ultimately diagnosed with a mixture of low self esteem, panic disorder and some associated depression. I was also prescribed 10mg Citalopram by the doctor. The anxiety didn’t go fully and I still had issues with my sleep but it did help. I didn’t sleep at all the night before my mates wedding, but I got through it, did a pretty decent job (or so I was told!) and the relief I felt was immense. Second time round, a few weeks later (the that fact that I was sharing best man duties may have helped), I felt a bit nervous, but really nothing more than that. It was a really good day and even felt quite fun to do!
Now we move on to early 2011. I was feeling pretty well, I was trying to push myself to do more, get out more, do things I like and my job etc, were all going pretty well. Then, one night I went to see a band at a big venue in London with one of my best mates. I sat down in my seat and as if out of nowhere a panic attack hit me. Off to the toilet I went, to stare at the porcelain for a few moments, leaving my mate to wonder what was up with me! He was fine about it and now knows a lot about my issues. I remember him saying “but you look fine”, which shows how adept you become at hiding the true terror that is building inside (the retching tends to give my panic away in the end though!). At a cinema a few weeks later, the same thing happened again… Something I really thought I had cracked had come back to taunt me like some cruel recurring dream.
I’m in my early 30's now and the panic attacks and general day-to-day anxiety feelings are still pretty bad. Going out to a restaurant (even with close family and friends, something I used to manage), cinema, music gig etc. (the sort of thing that most “normal” people would look forward to and enjoy) are something that I can only seem to think of as an exercise in endurance and something to be feared. For days and, at times, weeks before such an event I can’t seem to get the thought of panic and “catastrophising” about what might happen, out of my head. I have recently finished my second round of CBT sessions (with the same therapist as before) who I decided to contact after those panic attacks, which I had thought were a thing of the past, started again. She has really tried her best to help and understand what I realise are often quite complex feelings and frustrations. I finished my last session about six weeks ago. If I am really honest though, and I hate to say this, despite all the discussions we had and the reading and exercises she recommended for me, it doesn’t really seem to have had much of an impact on my anxiety. The sessions were quite a lot more emotional than the ones before and the tricky issue of “transference” also became a part of these sessions for me after a while. Although I tried to keep a sense of perspective and professionalism, I think ultimately it may have clouded the benefit I may have received overall from the CBT. (as a mate said me one day after I plucked up the courage to discuss the matter with him, “so what your telling me is that the girl you are going to see about your anxiety is causing you to have anxiety”. That sort of summed it up!). I’d never heard of the term before, so I’ll let you read up on that subject separately if you haven’t heard of it either! Ultimately I think I probably expected too much, especially considering the length of time I have experienced panic and I am sure it can work for many people and did work for me initially.
This week I went to see a band that I had tickets for and again the anxiety was with me, but I managed to “get through it” without incident (I’m aware that I often use what can be seen as unhelpful “safety behaviours” like ensuring I am sitting at the end of a row of seats or ease of escape, having a drink with me, going with people I trust etc…) Many would think that something going quite well like this would help, but the relief only ever seems to be short lived. I found out today about a company meal next week and the old sinking feeling and knot in the stomach hit me yet again and thinking about what “avoidance tactics” I could use came to mind (even though I have been to these sort of events before and “survived” without incident). I have said I will go for the time being though... I just know that I will spend the days before it feeling generally anxious and trying to stave off the panic feelings when I am there. I will try to “look on the bright side” and think of it as a fun time out with my colleagues and friends, but is hard for me to do. Trying to eat a meal whilst feeling rather sick, stressed and uncomfortable is no ones idea of fun, is it? I find myself trying to take my mind of things and strike up a conversation about anything I can think of to take the focus of the feelings of panic. The strange thing is that, having been in the same situation many times, after being there for a while, I know that the panic does often pass (a couple of drinks probably helps too!) and I can go on to have a good time, but I always seem to discount these “achievements” and it is often back to square one when the next event arrives. It is like playing a game of snakes and ladders in many ways, with long snakes and short, rickety ladders.
I am at a point in my life now where I really feel that I need to make a change. I want the general ability to live life without undue worry, have the relationships, travel a bit and enjoy the sort of lives that many of my friends do and I feel am getting left behind in many ways. I think this “ticking clock” effect is meaning that I am putting more pressure on myself and this is essentially making my anxiety issues worse. I am aware that I might be becoming a bit obsessed with panic and that I don’t really help myself as I work quite long hours (despite all the issues with anxiety I manage to hold down what many would see as a pretty decent job, get a decent degree etc.), don’t do enough exercise, drink too much coffee (and a bit of wine! ☺). I often feel that I have to put others before myself, constantly prove myself and worry both about what others will think of me and of “letting others down” by having an attack or dropping out of doing something due to over anxious feelings. I appreciate that none of this is ultimately helpful to me, that they are negative thought patterns and that the only real way past the issue is to just feel the fear and go for it, but at times (especially as it seems to effect my sleep and stomach in the way it does) that is often easier said than done…
I am currently not taking any tablets or such like and am not sure if I really want to start back on Citalopram, but it would be nice to have something that I think may help me see some light at the end of the tunnel. Life is too short as it is and to spend it trying to handle and be controlled by what is essentially the destruction of your happiness and ultimate potential by oneself is not a great way to be…
OK I will leave it there for now. Well done if you got this far! Any thoughts and advice is appreciated ☺
Thanks for reading.
I have been reading some of the posts on this site for a while now and just thought I would share my story of panic attacks and anxiety with you (apologies for length!). Having read some of the posts on here it is helpful to know that many others feel the same way as I do. Panic and anxiety is something that has been with me for many years and over the past couple of years especially, despite seeking help in the form of CBT and medication (low dosage Citalopram), it is something that still stays with me to this day.
My panic attacks probably started in my mid teens. I had a good, supportive family and friends around me (and still do for the most part) and was lucky enough to have a good home and go on the kind holidays and have stuff that many kids would have been envious of, but some issues in my life, related partly to stressful family business related issues as well as some issues around my body/self image (I have a very mild form of Cerebral Palsy and have tried not to let it affect what I do in life too much) meant there was always a bit of stress and anxiety bubbling under the surface and these factors still remain an issue in some ways for me now.
When I was about 15, the first panic attacks started (I didn’t understand what they were at the time and doing a Google search didn’t quite exist back then!). Eating out in restaurants and flying seemed to be a key trigger point and it continues to be an issue for me, nearly 20 years on. I have become somewhat of an expert at avoidance and trying to suppress the issue, but it always is an issue that I can’t seem to shake fully. Most work do’s, holidays, meals out or birthday parties, social events etc. are often a thing to be feared for me. As an example of one that sticks in my mind, at Christmas about 10 years ago, I had a panic attack at a work meal. I was mortified and remember getting up and having to run out of the restaurant in front of everyone to be sick outside. I can remember it, even now, as if it only happened yesterday. The embarrassment, general fuss of others around me and that sudden feeling of impending doom, “tunnel vision” and not really knowing what was happening, had a profound impact on me and many work do’s and similar were a no go area for me for years to come. I am sure that many of you will know those feelings all too well…
A few years later, in my mid-to-late 20’s I actually remember feeling somewhat better (I’m still not fully sure why) and whilst I at times had the occasional “wobble”, I was generally able to go out for meals with friends and family and even went on a plane for the first time in over 10 years! Then, a couple of years ago, I was asked to be a best man (twice in the one year, Mr Popular me ☺!). It was a stressful year for one reason and another. A series of deaths of some of my family members, starting a new job and the overwhelming feeling of having to play what I saw as an important role as best man, got to me a bit. I couldn’t stop thinking about and worrying about it and was also feeling very down but not fully understanding why. It was then that I decided to go to the doctors for help. Despite going a couple of times in the past and trying to clumsily broach the subject, only to leave with a couple of print outs, leaflets or websites to read, this time I actually managed to see someone who took me seriously. Within a few weeks I was booked in for my first session of CBT. To start with, I was really unsure if it was going to do much for me (I can be a bit of a cynic!), but after the 3rd or 4th session, the relief of being able to get some of my thoughts and fears out in the open really did help me. I would leave many of the sessions feeling as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I was ultimately diagnosed with a mixture of low self esteem, panic disorder and some associated depression. I was also prescribed 10mg Citalopram by the doctor. The anxiety didn’t go fully and I still had issues with my sleep but it did help. I didn’t sleep at all the night before my mates wedding, but I got through it, did a pretty decent job (or so I was told!) and the relief I felt was immense. Second time round, a few weeks later (the that fact that I was sharing best man duties may have helped), I felt a bit nervous, but really nothing more than that. It was a really good day and even felt quite fun to do!
Now we move on to early 2011. I was feeling pretty well, I was trying to push myself to do more, get out more, do things I like and my job etc, were all going pretty well. Then, one night I went to see a band at a big venue in London with one of my best mates. I sat down in my seat and as if out of nowhere a panic attack hit me. Off to the toilet I went, to stare at the porcelain for a few moments, leaving my mate to wonder what was up with me! He was fine about it and now knows a lot about my issues. I remember him saying “but you look fine”, which shows how adept you become at hiding the true terror that is building inside (the retching tends to give my panic away in the end though!). At a cinema a few weeks later, the same thing happened again… Something I really thought I had cracked had come back to taunt me like some cruel recurring dream.
I’m in my early 30's now and the panic attacks and general day-to-day anxiety feelings are still pretty bad. Going out to a restaurant (even with close family and friends, something I used to manage), cinema, music gig etc. (the sort of thing that most “normal” people would look forward to and enjoy) are something that I can only seem to think of as an exercise in endurance and something to be feared. For days and, at times, weeks before such an event I can’t seem to get the thought of panic and “catastrophising” about what might happen, out of my head. I have recently finished my second round of CBT sessions (with the same therapist as before) who I decided to contact after those panic attacks, which I had thought were a thing of the past, started again. She has really tried her best to help and understand what I realise are often quite complex feelings and frustrations. I finished my last session about six weeks ago. If I am really honest though, and I hate to say this, despite all the discussions we had and the reading and exercises she recommended for me, it doesn’t really seem to have had much of an impact on my anxiety. The sessions were quite a lot more emotional than the ones before and the tricky issue of “transference” also became a part of these sessions for me after a while. Although I tried to keep a sense of perspective and professionalism, I think ultimately it may have clouded the benefit I may have received overall from the CBT. (as a mate said me one day after I plucked up the courage to discuss the matter with him, “so what your telling me is that the girl you are going to see about your anxiety is causing you to have anxiety”. That sort of summed it up!). I’d never heard of the term before, so I’ll let you read up on that subject separately if you haven’t heard of it either! Ultimately I think I probably expected too much, especially considering the length of time I have experienced panic and I am sure it can work for many people and did work for me initially.
This week I went to see a band that I had tickets for and again the anxiety was with me, but I managed to “get through it” without incident (I’m aware that I often use what can be seen as unhelpful “safety behaviours” like ensuring I am sitting at the end of a row of seats or ease of escape, having a drink with me, going with people I trust etc…) Many would think that something going quite well like this would help, but the relief only ever seems to be short lived. I found out today about a company meal next week and the old sinking feeling and knot in the stomach hit me yet again and thinking about what “avoidance tactics” I could use came to mind (even though I have been to these sort of events before and “survived” without incident). I have said I will go for the time being though... I just know that I will spend the days before it feeling generally anxious and trying to stave off the panic feelings when I am there. I will try to “look on the bright side” and think of it as a fun time out with my colleagues and friends, but is hard for me to do. Trying to eat a meal whilst feeling rather sick, stressed and uncomfortable is no ones idea of fun, is it? I find myself trying to take my mind of things and strike up a conversation about anything I can think of to take the focus of the feelings of panic. The strange thing is that, having been in the same situation many times, after being there for a while, I know that the panic does often pass (a couple of drinks probably helps too!) and I can go on to have a good time, but I always seem to discount these “achievements” and it is often back to square one when the next event arrives. It is like playing a game of snakes and ladders in many ways, with long snakes and short, rickety ladders.
I am at a point in my life now where I really feel that I need to make a change. I want the general ability to live life without undue worry, have the relationships, travel a bit and enjoy the sort of lives that many of my friends do and I feel am getting left behind in many ways. I think this “ticking clock” effect is meaning that I am putting more pressure on myself and this is essentially making my anxiety issues worse. I am aware that I might be becoming a bit obsessed with panic and that I don’t really help myself as I work quite long hours (despite all the issues with anxiety I manage to hold down what many would see as a pretty decent job, get a decent degree etc.), don’t do enough exercise, drink too much coffee (and a bit of wine! ☺). I often feel that I have to put others before myself, constantly prove myself and worry both about what others will think of me and of “letting others down” by having an attack or dropping out of doing something due to over anxious feelings. I appreciate that none of this is ultimately helpful to me, that they are negative thought patterns and that the only real way past the issue is to just feel the fear and go for it, but at times (especially as it seems to effect my sleep and stomach in the way it does) that is often easier said than done…
I am currently not taking any tablets or such like and am not sure if I really want to start back on Citalopram, but it would be nice to have something that I think may help me see some light at the end of the tunnel. Life is too short as it is and to spend it trying to handle and be controlled by what is essentially the destruction of your happiness and ultimate potential by oneself is not a great way to be…
OK I will leave it there for now. Well done if you got this far! Any thoughts and advice is appreciated ☺
Thanks for reading.