Broken trust?

[Harribo]

I apologise in advance for the long post but I really appreciate all comments and advice that is posted and is greatly appreciated.

Anyways I will try not to drag it on.

My fiance is the love of my life and even though I don't trust her, I can't give her up because I still believe there is a future between us. The problem is the trust was broken in October and I tried splitting with her. She tried killing herself because of this by taking an overdose. She basically collapsed in my arms and was in intensive care. I agreed to take her back and try and move on. The problems are. 6 months on I am still causing arguments and threatening to leave, she use to beg me to stay and now she doesn't. Tear use to come down her face and now they don't. I caused an argument the other day and I sent her a text saying. Leave me because I don't make you happy no more. (As I always bring up the incident that happened in october amongst other things.) She sent me a message back saying were not going to split up and that I knew we wasn't. She went to work but when she came back home she told me she didn't know if she loved me anymore because of the shit I always give her. I begged for her to stay with me and we spoke from like 1am till 5am and agreed we would give it one more shot. Once we woke up she felt the same as when she came home. We had another huge conversation and she told me she loved me but is sick of the shit I give her for the mistake she made over 6 months ago. She said I have one more chance to prove we can make it work. She said she Loves me and is in love with me, but if I keep causing rows over the mistake its over. We are also going on holiday in 6 weeks.

Anyways today we had a lovely day after the chat. We went for a coffee and did our weekly shopping. My problem is I'm scared I will bring up the past again and she will leave me. I don't actually know how I would cope without her in my life. She's my heart, the air I breath. She deserves better than me I know this. But she is in love with me which I find hard to believe as I'm average looking and she's gorgeous. I want to make this work. When there are no arguments its perfect in all ways. But its violent when its bad. She hits and punches me and although I don't hit back I mentally abuse her everytime the pasts builds up in my brain. I believe what happened was a relisation that she's actually not going to stick around if my behaviour continues. And I have forgiven her for what happened which broke the trust, but it has left me paranoid, insecure and on edge all the time. I make up rediculous sycnarios in my head and I abuse her mentally. I'm not afraid to admit it. I just need help with how to let go completely of the past. I believe I am ready to let go and move on now we are on breaking point. Maybe its a good thing we had this make or break talk as its going to change me? I just hope it does as I can't leave her. I have started cutting myself over this and I am having suicidal thoughts because I believe I will lash out and she will leave me and I'll be on my own. I will harm myself if this happens as she means everything to me. I know they say you hurt the ones you love but I don't want to hurt her anymore. I really need some advice. Splitting up is not advice. I love her too much there is not trust. I want to learn how to repair that trust and move on with our lives. She's my everything.


Thanks in advance and I am trully sorry about the spelling mistakes and grammar. Just my hands are shakeing and I have been in bits crying and feeling sorry for myself all day. (I am the man by the way) she now says she loves me when yesterday she never. She said she believes we have a future if I change when yesterday she said our relationship is a joke. I want to be able to control my paranoia and insecurities and stop taking them out on her. She lied. Too me it was a big lie. I want to move on before I lose the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. Xxx

[suzeelew]

if u would like to private message me you are welcome...think you need someone to tell you straight but in a private message...what i will say here incase you dont is u both need to be apart and get proper help hun before someone ends up seriously hurt or worse!!
doesnt mean you have to split for ever but u cannot both possibly stay in this...u need ur own space to heal and much help from professional people...and i say this from the heart not to be mean as i was in similar circumstances years back and i thank God i got out when i did,,, was heartbroken at the time bt believe me when i look back i thank the Lord i had the strength to walk x
good luck x

[Harribo]

if u would like to private message me you are welcome...think you need someone to tell you straight but in a private message...what i will say here incase you dont is u both need to be apart and get proper help hun before someone ends up seriously hurt or worse!!
doesnt mean you have to split for ever but u cannot both possibly stay in this...u need ur own space to heal and much help from professional people...and i say this from the heart not to be mean as i was in similar circumstances years back and i thank God i got out when i did,,, was heartbroken at the time bt believe me when i look back i thank the Lord i had the strength to walk x
good luck x

Seperating is not an option, we are engaged and live together. We are also going on a holiday in 6 weeks. I need to learn how to get trust back. I have forgiven her for the mistake she's made. We love each other to pieces. I know love isn't always enough. We both want to make it work and we can make it work. I just need to get over my issues. Also no one is going to end up seriously hurt not going to lie self harming isn't exactly great but it helps me deal with the pain. I don't physically abuse her. And she only ever hits me when I cause a row over nothing and I deserve it. I gave up a cocaine addiction so I know I am strong willed to me this is nothing compared to that I just need help with this one.

[Em84]

Hi.....

This is a tough one.....trust is something that happens over time, your trust issue seems based on her leaving you rather than the standard cheating thing that most couple fear about. I have some trust issues and I used to love bringing up things in my arguments with the husband but trust me....he almost walked out one day as he had had enough of me going on and on....
Love is about letting each other breath, and however much you do or don't trust her you need to forget this incident that happend 6 months ago. Your fiancé was probably at a real low point which is why she did what she did. She's prob passed that and wants to forget a bad time in her life, where when you argue etc etc you bring it up......
In a way she may feel guilty for doing this as if she loves you and knows about your anxiety it will be known to have added to your fears.......

You have had a chat and a last chance has been given....

Please stop self harming, you may need to talk to someone about this. I self harmed around the age of 14 and looking back it was stupid...I have scars now and to think about it it didn't give me the satisfaction just scars.
She also needs to stop being violent to you........
I'm sorry but where there is violence is any form of a relationship it needs to be stopped male or female...this is not good for you both and could result in one of you getting really hurt...not to mention neighbours calling the police.

I think you are thinking the worse, a little weeks break might be good, you can go out with some friends and get a little bit of independence. You sound almost like your fiancé is the only Importance in your life which is fair enough. You need to set your mind to other things, get out and build relationships so you fiancé isn't the only person in your world.

If you argue,,,,bite you Tongue and don't respond with all the things that have happend

If she goes to hit you walk out of the house for an hour or so, explain to her that is not acceptable

I can't give any further advise, in order for a healthy loving future together I honestly believe a bit of space is the key here, you both need to realise what you have, what is important....

X

[Harribo]

need more advice please.

[EvilPenguin8]

Hi Harribo.

OK. When damage is done in a relationship you need time to heal, and even when you heal, learning to deal with scars which remind you of past hurt. You want a simple answer but I really don't think there is one. You are in a destructive relationship and if you cannot leave then you MUST seek professional help together.

Suzeelew suggested time apart and I agree with her but take one step at a time.

See your GP and explain your situation. I know SH is a way to ease the pain and deal with things but there are far, far better ways to do this without hurting yourself.

Dealing with abandonment and rejection fears, mood-swings, anger, depression, and being in a volatile relationship, will ultimately destroy you both unless you seek help.

Please do it. Later on you could think of counselling for couples, but I think right now you need to focus on yourself by speaking to your GP and being referred to a professional who can help.

No one here will be able to give you the answers you want Harribo but I really wish you both well.

[Harribo]

Hi Harribo.

OK. When damage is done in a relationship you need time to heal, and even when you heal, learning to deal with scars which remind you of past hurt. You want a simple answer but I really don't think there is one. You are in a destructive relationship and if you cannot leave then you MUST seek professional help together.

Suzeelew suggested time apart and I agree with her but take one step at a time.

See your GP and explain your situation. I know SH is a way to ease the pain and deal with things but there are far, far better ways to do this without hurting yourself.

Dealing with abandonment and rejection fears, mood-swings, anger, depression, and being in a volatile relationship, will ultimately destroy you both unless you seek help.

Please do it. Later on you could think of counselling for couples, but I think right now you need to focus on yourself by speaking to your GP and being referred to a professional who can help.

No one here will be able to give you the answers you want Harribo but I really wish you both well.

I have been on a waiting list for cbt for like 12 weeks... I'm going to my doctor today to try and speed up the process to try and get help quicker. I also have booked and paid for relationship councilling which we have an appointment for on monday. To be honest past 3-4 days have been lovely between us. Seems like its back to normal but I know it won't last if I don't get the help. I love this girl to pieces and I'm not going to give up until I have tried everything. Thank you for advice guys really appreciate it.

[gemjones85]

I havent read the other replies - so sorry if i repeat anything.

I have been in relationship with my partner 10 years we have 4 sons together. we have had a bad time the last 2 years, but like urself want to make it work. I think u and her need to deal with ur own issues seperately -ie councilling ...

The last couple of months have been great as I have come to the conclusion that i was searching for a "perfect" relationship - when it doesnt exsist. People have problems/issues but its about dealing with the ones u can together and the some u have to on ur own. i suffer HA and Pnd which he doesnt understand at all. He gives me reassurance when i need it etc... but i tend to keep alot to myself or use forums - i dont think untill ur a sufferer u have no idea or understanding.

As far as bringing up what happened - no-ones saying forget but u really need to put it to the back of ur head and when u feel ur going to bring it up or cause a argument - take time out - explain to her that when u feel like this -ur gonna take a walk, de stress.

I hope something ive said helps.

Take care XX
gemma

[swgrl09]

I suggest couples counseling -the right therapist will make time to see you together to understand your stories and dynamic and also will see you both individually. It really can work with some hard work and time. I don't think anybody but a professional can help, as none of us are living your life every day.

I hope you both can find a way to repair your relationship. Good luck and take care

[C10]

Hi Harribo.
I've been going through a similiar thing. My situation was building up for a while and came to a head a couple of months ago. I felt hurt & betrayed. This developed into anxiety & trust issues which I have found it very difficult to keep in check. I haven't been able to move on and keep blaming my wife for the things that led to our problems and are the triggers for my anxiety. We've been pretty much in a stalemate for the past month with me not being able to move on and my wife flatly refusing to talk about it anymore.
We have tried couples counseling but have put this on hold whilst I have individual counseling to try and move me on from the negativity I feel towards our relationship. We have also just had some time apart in the hope that space will help, which I think it has.
It's a frustrating and horrible position to be in. I think the individual conseling is the right thing for me at the moment. Hopefully I can get myself out of this negative cycle and then restart the couples counsaling. I'm also on Mirtazipine to help with the Anxiety but I'm not sure it is doing a particuarly good job!
Good luck and I hope you can work things out .

[london]

if you abuse her mentally why would she want to stay
you need to get your act sorted out
god bless