W.I.F.T.S.
05-07-06, 14:54
This morning I woke up feeling more relaxed than I have done in years.
I drove 15 miles for an appointment with my solictor and I drove at 50 mph rather than my usual 30 mph. Also, I didn't really feel like swerving into oncoming traffic.
After I'd come out of the appointment my dad (who had a heart attack about 2 months ago) rang to say that he'd been taken back into hospital as a precaution. My first reaction was to think "why does this have to happen when I'm starting to feel better?", but I soon changed it round to "if it has to happen, I'm glad that it has happened when I'm feeling more able to cope with it rather than when I'm feeling rubbish already".
I then had to drive my gran 15 miles to a funeral. I coped with that pretty well really. I didn't go into the crematorium, instead I went to get some petrol. While I was there I got myself and my fiancee a drink. The pleasing thing for me though is that I was thoughtful enough to get my gran a drink too...and she seemed to really appreciate it, which made me feel good.
I haven't really thought of myself as a negative thinker and, so it's been hard for me to understand where my depression comes from. It is starting to make sense to me now though:
a) dread: while most people might look forward to a holiday, I'd dread it because of having to drive/fly/go on a boat. I've dreaded weddings before because I've been best man and had to make a speech. I'm best man this weekend for my brother's stag do. Normally I'd dread it because I'd fear getting drunk and offending people or feeling depressed or panicky whilst we're on it. I'm trying to change that round and look forward to it. We're going dog racing and I'm quite excited about that. We're then going on to a club and it's probably the safest one in manchester and the music's good, so i should enjoy that too. I've already promised myself that I'm not going to get too drunk, so I've got nothing to worry about. I didn't dread either the solicitors or funeral today!!!!
b) self-loathing. I'm not really that confident. I can somehow summon it up and go and sell things to people on the high street. When I first came home from London my gran is supposed to have said "where is he going to live? he can't live here". That was where I'd called home cos my mum's place was too small, I really hated the town and I just wasn't comfortable living there and my dad lived with my gran. I think the reason that she said it is because, after my grandad died, she felt like she had some of her independence back and she didn't want someone to move in who she'd have to cook for and clean up after. Obviously I took it personally though. When I was in London I borrowed a lot of money from family and friends and I was struggling to pay it back, so I felt like I'd let everyone down.
It was a big thing for me today to genuinely think of someone else.
c) Victim: I'm normally the first person to say "that's so unfair", "why do bad things only happen to me?", "why don't I get what he's got?". I'm proud of myself for not feeling like a victim about my dad and being strong enough to ask him if he was ok and to not just go to bits.
d) Feeling overwhelmed: I was told a long time ago to just say "so what?" to things, but it's only just making sense to me now. I used to think that "so what?" denied what was actually going on and that it was very unhelpful. I also used to think of it in the negative way, saying "so what?" to positives. I think the things is to say "bad things are going to happen to me. So what? I'm not going to freak out. I'll handle them. Nothing good or bad ever happens, it's all in the mind, as the famous quote goes."
Depression= Frustration
Fear/Anxiety/Panic= Worry about the future
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.
I drove 15 miles for an appointment with my solictor and I drove at 50 mph rather than my usual 30 mph. Also, I didn't really feel like swerving into oncoming traffic.
After I'd come out of the appointment my dad (who had a heart attack about 2 months ago) rang to say that he'd been taken back into hospital as a precaution. My first reaction was to think "why does this have to happen when I'm starting to feel better?", but I soon changed it round to "if it has to happen, I'm glad that it has happened when I'm feeling more able to cope with it rather than when I'm feeling rubbish already".
I then had to drive my gran 15 miles to a funeral. I coped with that pretty well really. I didn't go into the crematorium, instead I went to get some petrol. While I was there I got myself and my fiancee a drink. The pleasing thing for me though is that I was thoughtful enough to get my gran a drink too...and she seemed to really appreciate it, which made me feel good.
I haven't really thought of myself as a negative thinker and, so it's been hard for me to understand where my depression comes from. It is starting to make sense to me now though:
a) dread: while most people might look forward to a holiday, I'd dread it because of having to drive/fly/go on a boat. I've dreaded weddings before because I've been best man and had to make a speech. I'm best man this weekend for my brother's stag do. Normally I'd dread it because I'd fear getting drunk and offending people or feeling depressed or panicky whilst we're on it. I'm trying to change that round and look forward to it. We're going dog racing and I'm quite excited about that. We're then going on to a club and it's probably the safest one in manchester and the music's good, so i should enjoy that too. I've already promised myself that I'm not going to get too drunk, so I've got nothing to worry about. I didn't dread either the solicitors or funeral today!!!!
b) self-loathing. I'm not really that confident. I can somehow summon it up and go and sell things to people on the high street. When I first came home from London my gran is supposed to have said "where is he going to live? he can't live here". That was where I'd called home cos my mum's place was too small, I really hated the town and I just wasn't comfortable living there and my dad lived with my gran. I think the reason that she said it is because, after my grandad died, she felt like she had some of her independence back and she didn't want someone to move in who she'd have to cook for and clean up after. Obviously I took it personally though. When I was in London I borrowed a lot of money from family and friends and I was struggling to pay it back, so I felt like I'd let everyone down.
It was a big thing for me today to genuinely think of someone else.
c) Victim: I'm normally the first person to say "that's so unfair", "why do bad things only happen to me?", "why don't I get what he's got?". I'm proud of myself for not feeling like a victim about my dad and being strong enough to ask him if he was ok and to not just go to bits.
d) Feeling overwhelmed: I was told a long time ago to just say "so what?" to things, but it's only just making sense to me now. I used to think that "so what?" denied what was actually going on and that it was very unhelpful. I also used to think of it in the negative way, saying "so what?" to positives. I think the things is to say "bad things are going to happen to me. So what? I'm not going to freak out. I'll handle them. Nothing good or bad ever happens, it's all in the mind, as the famous quote goes."
Depression= Frustration
Fear/Anxiety/Panic= Worry about the future
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.