View Full Version : Fed up dealing with my partner's anxiety.
struggling100
27-04-12, 11:10
I’m writing this in the hope that there might be some other people reading who aren’t anxiety sufferers, but who are trying to deal with a partner or spouse with generalized anxiety. I’m going to be brutally honest here about what it’s like to live with someone with an anxiety disorder. It’s frustrating. And it’s unbelievably painful. Not to mention unbearably lonely.
I am struggling to deal with the anxiety suffered by my partner of 3 years. He suffers from GAD, which is generally focused on work issues (he has a very responsible job). However, from time to time, he goes into a more intense, panicky state. When he enters this, he lashes out emotionally and wreaks havoc. The last time it happened was 2 months ago. We don’t really argue, and our household is a happy one. However, after a bad weekend with anxiety, he announced that he wasn’t sure whether he wanted to be with me, whether I was the right person for him, whether I was of the right social class to marry him, and whether he could go through with the wedding we’d been planning for the summer. I was hurting like I’ve never hurt before inside, but I calmly told him that we could easily cancel the wedding, and that I would be there for him in whatever capacity he wanted – either as a friend or a girlfriend – to help him while he struggled with this bout of anxiety. I said that he could then decide whether he wanted me in his life as a girlfriend too. (I know many people will assume that because I am a girl, I put him under pressure about the wedding. In actual fact, having a public wedding was very much his idea – I asked him NOT to go for a big public ceremony, because I knew the anxiety might be an issue, and made it clear that a very simple ceremony at the registry office would be just fine with me, if it were easier for him).
Less than a week after this episode, he apologized and said he loved me dearly and wanted to be with me forever, and he has been trying to reassure me that this is true ever since. He’s got medication, and he’s going to counselling – both huge, brave steps. My friends are all saying how wonderful it is that he feels this way. But it’s hard to believe that someone can go through such a radical change of attitude in such a short time, and emotionally devastating to be on the receiving end of their vacillation.
I’ve since been talking to him on a daily basis, trying to listen, trying to understand, trying to be supportive as he goes through counselling, trying to help him with mindfulness training, trying to distract him with nice, relaxing activities after work and at weekends. Yet all the while, I’m heartbroken that this has happened, but I have no-one to express that to, and no-one to talk to about it. All anyone says to you, when I raise the subject, is ‘Oh my God, it must be so hard for your partner to go through this’. When that’s the opening gambit, you can hardly say ‘Yeah, and me too!’. No-one remotely thinks ‘What’s it like for you, as a partner, to have to put aside everything you’ve dreamt of and put someone else first 100% of the time? What does it cost you to sustain calm and unselfishness in these circumstances? What’s it like to have to go through that kind of rejection – and to live with the fear that it will happen again? What’s it like to have your whole life shaped by someone else’s neuroses?’
I feel guilty even just writing this, because a person with anxiety is sick, right? And sick people can’t help being sick, of course no-one would CHOOSE to be this way! But the problem with mental health issues is that they’re a bit different. A person with a broken leg doesn’t take their broken leg and beat you around the head with it. But anxiety can lead someone to attack you personally, and you’re just supposed to take the abuse because, hey, they just can’t help it! And you're a healthy person, right? So you must be able to deal with the fallout, no problem!
It feels like I have no control over my life, no security, no certainty – that the normal things that other couples take for granted just can’t happen. In short, I’m emotionally exhausted by it, and I don’t know where to turn.
Jamesflames
27-04-12, 12:22
It sounds as if you have the patience of a saint.
Are you sure you aren't reading too much into his nasty moment? If it coincided with a bout of severe anxiety he could be venting a whole load of anxious frustration at you. If he apologised properly a little while afterwards then the apology could easily be the more honest of the two incidents.
However, it isn't fair for him to load his issues onto you in this way and you probably ought to let him know that while you are happy to support him with his anxiety, you aren't OK with him lashing out at you.
As a married chap I feel qualified to say that one of the keys to making things work is to discuss how best to put up with your partner's worst bits. This holds true for everyone as it is easy to be happy when everything is peachy, but everyone has bad patches and you need to be able to cope with their bad days.
Good luck with it all. I hope you can resolve this. Try not to get too bogged down in holding onto worries or else you might end up posting as a sufferer next time!
I agree with jamesflames, he shouldn't abuse you. I sympathise with you and I feel empathy with your man, as an anxiety sufferer myself, he probably feels frustrated himself like I did at my worst maybe when he said about calling the wedding off and he said he wasn't sure about you, he was trying to set you free cos he feels as though he's dragging you down. It's a tricky one, but you sound as though you need help and support too, or you'll end up ill yourself. check out what's in your local area.
Don't feel guilty for putting the post on here, that's what it's here for.
take care
and keep posting
I almost teared up reading this. Not everyone with GAD acts that way. He might have something else as well. I have panic/anxiety disorder but I do not snap or lash out. You mentioned responsible job, his lashing could be due to stress from work and he directs it toward you, which he shouldn't. I commend you for sticking with him! I have a friend who I have deep feelings for but I keep him at a distance due to my anxiety. He doesn't know what I suffer from and I feel embarrassed to tell him. I want to build a relationship with him but I'm not sure if everyone can be patient and as tolerant as you, Struggling100. Basically I'm afraid he'd suffer with me and it's unfair. I give you so much props !
Beckybooboo
28-04-12, 11:20
Hi,
I suffer from obsessive thoughts and anxiety, also mixed in with depression and let me tell you the whole time I've been going through this I have felt so guilty, upset and demoralized for what I'm putting my boyfriend through.
He also, like you, has the patience of a saint and has always been there for me no matter what my episode may be. I have horrible thoughts that I MUST have cheated on him at some given point in time when I know full well that I haven't, but my anxiety makes me feel as if I must tell him otherwise bad things will happen. It's absolutely awful what I've put him, my family and my best friend through but what you need to grasp as blunt as this may seem is that we haven't chosen to be this way.
Anxiety, OCD, depression are the route of all doubts. It makes you feel absolutely terrified inside that if you don't follow a specific ritual or confess an imaginary sin or be honest with how you're currently feeling DUE to the anxiety that something really, really bad is going to happen.
I understand your view as a partner however, as I know what my boyfriend is going through and I so desperately want to wake up from this horrific nightmare that I've put everyone through. I said the same to my partner of two years that I don't know if I loved him, thought he was ugly, bad in the sack and also that I don't know if I've loved him the last two years because of how my anxiety made me feel - it absolutely broke his heart but we're getting there.
The only advice that I can give you woman-to-woman is that you loved this man before this started and he loved you exactly the same. You both still love eachother and maybe speaking to him about how upset you were by these comments may clear the air in retrospect.
I really hope you both find a way to get through this and that it all falls together perfectly for you.
All the best. x
You're not alone Struggling100 my partner has suffered from panic attacks, anxiety and OCD (I didn't know about the OCD though) for 20 years, but 18 months ago his family basically triggered a huge downward spiral into major depression. They made some very stupid decisions just for their own selfishness and sent him down the big dark hole. The fact that they knew that he wanted nothing to do with their plans and just went against his wishes makes things harder to stomach. He no longer has contact with his family and they don't know what impact their selfishness has done but my god if I see them I feel as though I may kill them for just the hell they have put me through, let alone him.
I fully understand what you mean when you say you feel so lonely. My partner didn't want me to say anything to anyone about this so I've pretty much had to deal with it by myself. I've managed to cut myself off from friends, even online friends that I've had for 5 years because he had an obsession with facebook. I didn't realise it had become an obsession but I knew it made his anxiety rise because that was how he found out what his family had done, so I used to log out. I now realise that was the worst mistake I have ever made but if I had known it was an obsession I'd have just stayed on. I was just worried that he'd think I was talking to online friends about the situation. I felt too guilty to talk to my online friends about it and couldn't face acting as if everything was fine when it so wasn't. So I basically just stopped talking! This time last year I was too scared to go out with my friends just in case I came back to find he'd been self harming or worse still dead, so I managed to cut myself off from pretty much everyone.
In Dec '10 we were arguing constantly and he went out on a bike ride in the snow after one arguement saying he'd be a bit longer than usual. He took the car, which was odd and I knew his phone wasn't charged (even though he said it was). When he still wasn't back 4 hours later I was beside myself with worry, I couldn't stop shaking, I only managed to calm down before picking my son up from school by having a drink. I really truely thought he'd done something. In the end I phoned his friend and thought that maybe I could casually ask him to go and look for him. When I found out he was actually with his friend when I thought he was on his own I actually hated him at that moment for not even thinking that I may be worried sick.
I didn't realise at the time that a medication that he was taking was causing massive mood swings. He was jokingly hitting me with a stick, but gradually it was getting harder as if he wanted to hurt me under the guise of 'joking'. I was telling him it was hurting but he just wasn't listening. His Stepdad was here at the time and told him to stop in the end as he could see it was hurting. On the other hand sometimes he was high as a kite and full of energy, he had to work on New Years Day and I've never seen someone go to work so joyfully!!! His psychiatrist is next to useless and when he said that the medication wasn't helping much, his idea was to double it and add something else and then discharge him. 3 months later he was back to feeling suicidal and rang the CMHT left a message and they didn't call him back. I phoned the next day and still no call back. I phoned his Dr the day after that and tried the CMHT again the woman said 'Oh sorry I didn't check my answerphone'. In July last year his stepdad paid for some private counselling as he wasn't able to go to work anymore, which has helped. His Stepdad paid for 12 sessions and I paid for the rest. Where he hasn't been able to work and therefore we haven't been able to pay the bills I am now in £15k of debt. He has just gone back to work now, which is a huge relief from my constant worrying about money. He was not offered any NHS counselling, had an assessment for CBT, they reffered him to a clinical psychologist. He still hasn't had an appointment 18 months after the initial urgent refferal to the CMHT and finding out that there is only 1 clinical psychologist in the team until June when 2 more will join just makes me cross. We live in a big town and it's a disgrace! It's so frustrating. Especially when the 'consultant' psychiatrist has done exactly what he did last year and doubled his medication, added something else and then discharged him to his GP again without so much as a follow up. It makes me so angry and scared that it's going to go wrong again. He's just started work again so I don't want it to go backwards again.
I just keep my happy smiling face on, pretend everything is ok to everyone. Would never tell my other half how much this has affected me and even as I type now I'm feeling guilty and am in 'In Private' browsing mode. Someone messaged me here after a post I'd made but I felt so guilty for posting that I didn't reply so they must think I'm rude at best. I just felt guilty for talking about it.
Like you my life is centred around my partner (and my kids), I just spend my time trying to keep everyone happy while spending time by myself sometimes simply crying my heart out. I have to say though that I don't cry so much now. There was a point where in school hours I would just cry pretty much everyday. Then happy face at 3pm. Things are improving slowly. I don't really have any advice and sorry for my waffling on but I do understand exactly how you feel. I try to keep in my head that you hurt the ones you love the most. I agree with Jimsmrs when she said that he may be trying to 'set you free' as he feels bad for dragging you into this but I feel that your boyfriend is probably telling the truth when he says that he does want to be with you and loves you. I think you have to try to work out when it's his anxiety talking and when it's not. Easier said then done I know. He's getting help and you sound like you are helping as much as you can. Hang on in there, with help things will improve for both of you and together you'll get through it. It wont seem like it now but things will get better. In the meantime make sure you look after yourself as well and I'm sending you some virtual hugs. :hugs:
struggling100
01-05-12, 13:01
I just wanted to thank everyone for their kind replies. They really helped!
I think part of the problem is knowing where to draw the line when it comes to support. Ultimately, we can’t control what happens to us. We can’t control how other people behave, or their emotions. We can only control how we react, and how we handle situations. Realizing this enables me to see how and when I can care… and what I can’t help with.
I do think tt2012 is right - there comes a point where someone’s illness can no longer be an excuse. I don’t think my partner realizes what he’s done, but I believe that with counselling and some more thought, he will start to see. I absolutely don’t want him to feel guilty or to apologize – what use is it to me if he feels even worse? But I do want him to take responsibility for his actions in future. I realize that he may be anxious for a long time, and that is OK, but what isn't fine is for him to take it out on our relationship. If sorting this means undergoing a considerable period of CBT, so be it. Yes, therapy is expensive – but on the other hand, what could be more worthwhile than this? I’d much rather forego my summer holiday and new clothes and have him stable and healthy.
Sparkled- I am really quite worried about you. Your partner sounds incredibly controlling and jealous and a bit attention-seeking also. I’m sure he doesn’t meant to be – but behaviour like running away and worrying you sick is just not fair. However his family have behaved, he is responsible for his reactions, and violence in particular (even in mock-play) is completely unacceptable. It sounds as though you are managing alone, isolated from friends and family, which cannot be easy. The fact that the NHS are not helping you is an additional frustration. I wonder if there is anything you can do yourself to help? For example, is there any way that you can get him to a support group in your area for depression or anxiety or OCD, where he might be able to get some free group therapy? And don’t forget your own needs - it sounds as though you might be a bit co-dependent, always putting others first, and never thinking of yourself (this isn’t a criticism of you, I have tendencies myself that way, and have really benefitted from help).
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=114412
read this thread, maybe you can help each other
Sparkled- I am really quite worried about you. Your partner sounds incredibly controlling and jealous and a bit attention-seeking also. I’m sure he doesn’t meant to be – but behaviour like running away and worrying you sick is just not fair. However his family have behaved, he is responsible for his reactions, and violence in particular (even in mock-play) is completely unacceptable. It sounds as though you are managing alone, isolated from friends and family, which cannot be easy. The fact that the NHS are not helping you is an additional frustration. I wonder if there is anything you can do yourself to help? For example, is there any way that you can get him to a support group in your area for depression or anxiety or OCD, where he might be able to get some free group therapy? And don’t forget your own needs - it sounds as though you might be a bit co-dependent, always putting others first, and never thinking of yourself (this isn’t a criticism of you, I have tendencies myself that way, and have really benefitted from help).
Hi, I don't think my post came across the way it was intended. I kind of missed the point I was trying to say, lol.
When he asked me not to say anything it was down to embarrassment and I'm not sure he believed for one minute that I wouldn't say anything as I usually talk a lot. I couldn't talk to my best friend in detail because of something that had happened to her but I did skim over it to start with and as time has gone on she knows pretty much everything now, as does my sister, my fil, my mum, and a few others, lol. It basically came to the point where I could no longer deal with it by myself and had become so worried that I was no way going to have any blame put on my shoulders because I didn't say anything. But when I say I haven't been able to talk to anyone I kind of mean in a big long get it all out chat, I've just trickled information where I'm usually a big chat kind of person.
My partner does retreat at any sign of confrontation and to a certain extent always has done but depression made it worse. The things I was describing above (apart from the running away bit) was just unlike him. My own mind went into overdrive about the bike ride, I don't think he even realised what he had done, he was just running away from an arguement. Dec '10 was in my eyes a crisis point. Then it settled for a while until this time last year when it all went downhill again. He didn't know I was too scared to go out, I just said it was because of money. This was only for a short time that I was feeling like that until the crisis seemed to pass and things settled again. Our main problem is that he basically can't talk about his feelings so I used to fill in the blanks usually coming up with the worst case scenario and scaring myself silly.
I have told him my feelings about the bike ride and other things but it took a while and again I have to trickle it to him as he has an awful habit of seeing things as a personal attack, which in all honesty sometimes was/is. I'm not scared anymore and the only time I get stressed now about the situation is when he comes back with more dodgy meds, when what he needs is psychological help rather than medical. Everything to me is now clear as crystal as to whats happened to cause him these problems but that's for him to work out for himself and I wouldn't even bother to suggest the causes to him.
Hindsight and just general investigations made me realise that in Dec '10 his crisis was more a case of Akathisia from the medication. I no longer hide my psychiatric drugs books and will happily sit there reading my psychology books (I've always been very interested in psychology). He is also fully aware that people know about the situation.
I'm more than happy to tell him when he's being a selfish t**t and no longer excuse anything he does to annoy me because he's depressed. When i realised his obsession with facebook I started to leave it open again. He wasn't able to sit here at the pc, just used his laptop but over time I've managed to sneak things in so that he has no choice but to use this pc from time to time (usually because it's something my kids need to do) and I ignore any reasons he may crappilly give as to why he can't use the pc. He'll say something like, 'I'm too busy'. I'll say 'well I'm busier and if you want dinner and our child to stop nagging you, then you'll have to do it'. Unfortunately avoidance is a big compulsion for him, but now I ignore it and he has the choice of either telling me it's a problem for him, or force himself to do it. As he doesn't like talking he usually forces himself, which is a good sign in my eyes. I no longer fill in the gaps, he either tells me or he doesn't.
This sounds random but there's something about putting shoes on our child that he'll avoid. I don't know what it is and I wont ask because then he'll have a reason why he can't do it. I think he thinks, that I think, he's being a lazy git and he'll eventually do it just so I stop moaning that he's a lazy git.
There was a point where I was becoming codependent (thank you for your link) but I managed to step back and realise. I now go out and don't spend my entire time worrying about him, he goes off for a bike ride and it doesn't worry me now, he's riding this eve and I'm having a glass of wine with my friend. My worries now focus on money but I'm sure lots of people are in a similar situation. I've become so good at my happy face that it actually works in that I will start to feel happier if I'm getting bogged down with stuff. My happy face is usually naturally there now anyway, simply because over time things have got a lot better.
I'm sure I've missed my point again, my word do I waffle, lol.
I guess simply put, the person I was living with for a while wasn't the person I was living with before, but now the depression is easing I can see the 'real' him again. It's nice to have him back. :yesyes:
I have a question to those of you who are either married or in committed relationships.
I am dating a girl right now, and things could be getting serious soon. Before anything else is said let me say that I love her and she is wonderful and amazing. That being said, she suffers from Anxiety. When i met her she was just fine, then she left on a volunteer service mission that was supposed to last 18 months, but developed this anxiety and needed to come home several months ago. I know full well that its not any one persons fault that she suffers from this monster. She wishes it would just end, more than anything else in the whole world.
I guess my question is, would you have married or committed like you have if you had known your partner suffered from anxiety, assuming of course that you didn't know before? On the one had, it seems very wrong to say "you know, i love you but you have this problem that I don't want to deal with, so ciao!"......and on the other, when considering marriage, doesn't one need to take into account their own feelings and concerns about committing to the other person? After reading some of these posts I am slightly more worried about it than I was before. Also, knowing her, she would not WANT to put someone through all these things that everyone had been talking about. On that note though, I care more about her and her needs than my own at this point....which can be a good thing as long as it is not taken to far.....
Anyone who had read this far can clearly see that I have a lot I need to figure out haha. Im guessing you all can sort of see where I am coming from though. Any input would be lovely!
ankietyjoe
04-03-14, 09:57
whether I was of the right social class to marry him
I'll be brutally honest to, I'd leave him just for that.
Unacceptable.
I have a question to those of you who are either married or in committed relationships.
I am dating a girl right now, and things could be getting serious soon. Before anything else is said let me say that I love her and she is wonderful and amazing. That being said, she suffers from Anxiety. When i met her she was just fine, then she left on a volunteer service mission that was supposed to last 18 months, but developed this anxiety and needed to come home several months ago. I know full well that its not any one persons fault that she suffers from this monster. She wishes it would just end, more than anything else in the whole world.
I guess my question is, would you have married or committed like you have if you had known your partner suffered from anxiety, assuming of course that you didn't know before? On the one had, it seems very wrong to say "you know, i love you but you have this problem that I don't want to deal with, so ciao!"......and on the other, when considering marriage, doesn't one need to take into account their own feelings and concerns about committing to the other person? After reading some of these posts I am slightly more worried about it than I was before. Also, knowing her, she would not WANT to put someone through all these things that everyone had been talking about. On that note though, I care more about her and her needs than my own at this point....which can be a good thing as long as it is not taken to far.....
Anyone who had read this far can clearly see that I have a lot I need to figure out haha. Im guessing you all can sort of see where I am coming from though. Any input would be lovely!
The very fact you're posing this question speaks volumes. One can follow their head, their heart, or both and I believe you've already made a decision and are looking for affirmation. How far is "too far"? Remember, "In sickness and in health" is not reserved to the physical. I've learned in life that when something doesn't feel right, there's always a big reason for it. Best wishes on whatever you decide.
Positive thoughts
Hi all, I'm new to the forum but just wanted to post as I have both lived with anxiety myself and am currently living with my partner who has anxiety and depression. It can be very tough, but I agree with what's been said before, there has to be lines of acceptable behaviour and if parters are becomin abusive that is not the typical behaviour of someone with a straightforward anxiety disorder. I bough a great book called the high conflict couple, it's based on dbt principles and is aimed at people with borderline personality features but could apply to lots of relationships and I would really reccomend it. I also decided to get counselling myself to promote my own strength and resilience, since I can't make my partner get help if he is not ready. It is a terrible thing to live with anxiety, and I know how frustrating it can be to love on the outside of it too. We've just got to hang in there for the ones we love, but not forget our own needs in this or we'll be no use to anyone.
Lots of best wishes and thoughts
Would you have married or committed like you have if you had known your partner suffered from anxiety, assuming of course that you didn't know before? On the one had, it seems very wrong to say "you know, i love you but you have this problem that I don't want to deal with, so ciao!"......and on the other, when considering marriage, doesn't one need to take into account their own feelings and concerns about committing to the other person?
It's a tough one. I have to admit - guiltily - that I have thought about this from time to time.
If I'd known the extent of my husband's anxiety, the knock-on problems it'd cause him, how stupidly I would respond and the colossal problems that would cause us in turn... I'm not sure I would have gotten into a relationship with him. If I'd known the other massive unrelated problems that were waiting for the two of us as well, then I would almost certainly have said "let's just be friends".
But if I'd done that, I would have missed out on life with someone wonderful. For all the bad times we've been through, we have had many deeply loving and happy times together as well.
If you are still dating this lovely girl, could you talk together about how you will both manage her anxiety going forwards? What you expect from each other, and where your boundaries are? (Woah that sounds formal.)
Reading this thread has paradoxically reminded me that he's not just the sum of his problems: he's a wonderful human being who also happens to have various problems. Like what they say about putting a horse-thief into AA: you'll just get a sober horse-thief. And I can totally sympathise with those who feel guilty posting or are posting in incognito mode - feeling exactly the same!
My long-term relationship unfortunately ended largely due to my mental health issues (anxiety / depression etc) and more precisely the fact that I tried to hide them away from my partner which led to a lot of hurt and confusion when I behaved erratically and could go from being the best partner in the world, to incredibly withdrawn and emotionless in ten minutes flat.
I wish I had tried to explain what was going on in my head a lot earlier because it could have possibly saved things... Of course I don't know if it would have for sure, but at least my partner wouldn't have been so convinced that I didn't love them or want to be them any longer and that it was all their fault.
I guess I am just saying that honesty is always the best policy here - firstly from the sufferer and then from their partner... Talk about how you feel as much as you can, whether it is positive or negative... It's a two way street and as people have already said, you're with each other through the good times and the bad. The most important thing to remember if you are the partner of a sufferer is that the negative symptoms are in no way your fault and that they will always pass after a time... That said, I know it must be a strain on the relationship and I can only say that you must be wonderful people to go through this with us :)
The very fact you're posing this question speaks volumes. One can follow their head, their heart, or both and I believe you've already made a decision and are looking for affirmation. How far is "too far"? Remember, "In sickness and in health" is not reserved to the physical. I've learned in life that when something doesn't feel right, there's always a big reason for it. Best wishes on whatever you decide.
Positive thoughts
^^^This is so true. As is the need for honesty, like Anxiety DJ. My husband doesn't have anxiety but when I feel guilty for what I am doing/how I am acting, he reminds me that there will be a day where he needs my help too and that's just how a relationship is. You support each other during your times of need.
To the Original poster, you sound like a wonderful and patient person. All the responses above say what I would say, so I won't rehash. Just wanted to thank you for being so patient and understanding about this stuff. :bighug1:
My husband doesn't have anxiety but when I feel guilty for what I am doing/how I am acting, he reminds me that there will be a day where he needs my help too and that's just how a relationship is. You support each other during your times of need.
That made me tear up a little :blush: How wonderful people can be sometimes :D
My boyfriend also deals with gad. I love him and he loves me a lot. Sometimes he panics that I don't love him, but he has never doubted his love for me. I have a feeling, that your fiance is actually very unsure about his love for you and your relationship. My boyfriend has gone through some intense panic attacks where he has questioned everything in his life, except my presence in it. Sorry to break that news to you. :(
My boyfriend is unable to complete school, or hold a job, he can't drive either. He didn't even complete high school despite having a genius IQ. He has sifted through many university programs, (5 or 6?) and has never finished one of them. He finally reached his student loan cap, and was unable to finish his last program because of lack of funds. Honestly though, I'm not even sure if he would have finished it regardless. He is 60k in debt yet he has absolutely nothing to show for it. He wants to change, and so far in our relationship he has sold me on the dream that he will. Alas we have been dating 2 years, and he is on his third "career move." I want to be there for him, but my patience is wearing thin. I don't think he has the ability to.
I get lonely, because he never wants to leave the house. I always have to go visit him, or do things with my family/friends alone because he doesn't want to or because he is feeling too anxious. I love him, but I also want an equal partner who will contribute as much to the household as I do. It wouldn't be so bad if he was at least a decent housekeeper. In the last 2 years I think he may have done 2 loads of dishes, while I have done the rest and we don't even live together. I stopped enabling him, and all that happens is dishes pile up until until they are under the table and get moldy. When I ask him what he does all day, he gets offended. When I tell him he should do his dishes because it's disgusting he calls me "Nagatha Christie." He eventually put dishes in the spare room, and left them there for 6 months, before I charged him money for doing them. He tells me things would be different if he had a dishwasher. But the rest of his house is not that clean either. I did all his dishes in late November, and they have piled up since then (to be fair he was not home for 2 weeks in December.)
I don't know if I can live the rest of my life this way but I feel terrible because I know it isn't his fault. At the beginning of the relationship I told him to go see another doctor, because this one is not doing anything for him. He told me he would, and so far nothing. He went to see a psychologist from my prodding and he missed an appointment, and never went back. When I ask him about it, he says he would if I went with him to the doctor/psychologist because he is too anxious to do it. I would do this, but he doesn't make appointments, and I have my own life to worry about too and I can't baby him. I am pretty sure I suffer from my own anxiety disorders, but I have learned to deal with it to the best of my ability. A part of me feels like if I can do it, so can he so it is especially frustrating to me. If I brought this up to him though he would say I had better supports which I have from the outside on the inside though our supports look very much the same as we both have 2 sets of parents who don't understand, and just pressure us to do well. I have had much more financial support than he has though. I told him, that I would marry him if he got his shit together, by getting a job and cleaning his house and getting his license. So far nothing has happened but he's been trying or so he tells me. He called me all proud one day because he cleaned his bathroom which was disgusting to the point where I was worried I was going to get a UTI just from using it. When I got there, all that had happened was he cleaned his counter top not even his sink. When I mentioned, that the bathrooom still wasn't really very clean, he said he got busy and forgot about it. At first it was his brother's fault, but when his brother moved out, nothing changed. When he told me he cleaned the living room he told me that all of it was his roommate's stuff. I find it hard to believe because his roommate is pretty confined to one corner of the living room. When we first started dating he told me about one of his exe's who never cleaned up after herself when they lived together. I believed him at first, but now I'm not so sure. After living with him it seems that everyone seems to give up on cleanliness. I don't know how long to give this relationship or how many chances to give him because it because there is always something on the horizon which somehow doesn't seem to work out for one reason or another. Now he wants to be an electrician, and he wants to go for a pre apprenticeship training program. Neither of us could find the start dates and they didn't answer his calls. I just love him so much that I do want to spend my life with him which when I write it all down I honestly wonder why. Love is blind. He is like the sweetest, most caring boyfriend ever, and he would be perfect if he didn't have this thing. Living with someone with gad is ****ing hard. Anytime I bring up any concerns, I get a lecture of how he is trying to change, and it's rude to bring up the past when someone is trying to change. Then he goes on about my own failures which are that I took 2 extra years to finish my schooling because of 2 learning disabilities. I had also quit university previously after only finishing 2 years.
Hi to all, first and foremost i must say that english is not my first language so bare with me for a second or too while im typing.
Second, Thanks to all, reading you guys has been a great help, scary sometimes but great, while i was reading i can basically say that i had tears on my eyes a couple of times. You are all very very strong people just by coming here, and reading, and more to post and expose your life and experiences.
My situation is a little bit simple and complex, honestly i dont know where to begin, so i would do my best. But i want to say that i really love my girlfriend, and im fully committed, i assume that i need a couple of .. advices or just a "keep it going" kinda of encouragement.
My girlfriend and I we live abroad in my home country, she is from the US and move with me 8/9 months after we actually met, she wanted to go freelance and work on her own, and i was more able to sustain and support that from my home country than abroad. At the beggining of the relationship i lived in her hometown with her for about 6 months and everything was sort of calm, some anxiety problems here and there mixed with guilt and a particular and eventual moments of "feeling fat" nothing abnormal, with the exception of a couple of times where panic attack her here and there.
The problems started when she came to my country, i basically change most of my life, apartment, jobs and everything to be more with her, ( i also work freelance so im at home a lot of the time now), so the main idea was for her to have the time to do everything she needed, like paint, take pictures, write more creative. And she did the jump, changing everything in her life and losing completely control over that. which i admire, and i love.
But that was't enough for her , and a week into living abroad, she basically start to be extremely angry, feelings of loneliness, doubt, fear or more, panic. about everything. At the beginning, i though that was just a Cope mechanism, and little bit of guilt and maybe dont know what to do with her free time. But the more success i got (even on stressful situation, fighting almost every day, nast fights that at the beginning was her yelling and even cursing me a lot) the worst the situation was.
The feelings of loneliness deepen her, and i was forced to basically be around almost all the time.
Deeper in the relationship a year abroad or so, and thing got even more nasty, everything was a topic of fight, even the little of things, the loneliness was worst, the inhability to make friends, to go to groups, to even eat, or sleep, to take water when running around, everything became my fault, if i didt take the step to do anything, i was to blame, to yell at, the comparison with old relationships, etc.
Then the trheats of suicide start to appear, the undone feeling, the regrets, the guilt for behaving like that, that, as we all know here, only leads to more fear and anxiety.
I will admit, im not saint, i snap a few times and even more, impossible to reason or logic, and i still do, and things got worst and worst as more tired i felt and i still am. Even Afraid. but my own weakness seems to feed her own panic and anxiety, and with that anger.
I must say that the situation is still undergoing, only a couple of months ago she started her therapy, cognitive one and was not until a month ago until the therapist recommended psychiatric treatment for her anxiety, which until this point she did't started, of course blaming me of that.
Thins are "going" a few weeks at a time, we have a very very rough week, things like "im feeling useless that im not able to organize your birthday..." to moments later "... F$#@ you you betrayed me, im alone, im better dead, no one care for me".
Many times bunches of nasty very nasty messages, phone calls, and insults fly by without any reason.
I'm saying guys that im reaching that point, of fear, of exhaustion, i love her more than anything in this world, but, i dont know if i can continue like this, walking on eggshells not knowing when or what to say for not "waking up that horrible side of her".
I started to seek help on my own few months ago, trying to create coping mechanism against this monster , because i will say it again, i can't be "cool" every time every day every moment... and im not, i have my own issues, that i dealt, but i never snap at her without reason (and the times i did i just needed a "calm down" and im done). Just recently i started to see this as what really is, this disease that spread out, i talk with her therapist a couple of times, trying to tell him the things that i knew that she never would tell (out of shame) like the suicide threats or the violence, the nasty explosions, etc.
We started to work kinda together her therapist and I, trying to fist secure myself, then secure her, and then only then, make a plan to treat this disease.
Reading you guys, has been a great eye opener experience, and give me hope, to at least continue ti this path.
I'm sorry to be so lengthy email, and i know that im only scratching the surface of what's really happening on my day to day life.
thanks a lot!
Reservoir Dog
18-03-15, 15:25
I too married a girl with anxiety disorder. It is hard very hard to live with this. When she was on her medication she was bearable. Off her medication she was unbearable. She has been off her medication for two years now. Her being off her medication makes you do crazy things to not feel so lonely and alone. She would lash out at me too and if I ever raised my voice she would accuse me of yelling. My sons would always laugh when Mom would say to me stop yelling. They would joke that Mom yells at you dad but when you speak to her she accuses you of yelling at her. All of our friends could not have good looking wives. She controlled everything. Now it made me search out others online that I should not have searched out. I went underground and started emotional relationships with other girls so I would lose my feelings of loneliness. My advice and this may sound harsh is if you can get out and it is not too late get out. An anxiety disorder crushes a marriage and any type of relationship. It makes you do crazy things. Immoral things that you never thought possible. My marriage is basically ending on this awful note where it is now all my fault because I was the one who had the emotional affair with someone else. No one understands what it is like. You feel so alone. Sorry if this is not the advice you want but it is true from my experience.
Every relationship is different, as is every person's specific anxiety or other mental health issue. I am sorry that your relationship was so difficult, I won't argue about that. You are the expert on what you can handle in your life and what you cannot. I will, however, testify that there are a lot of people on here who are living proof that anxiety does not always ruin relationships. What ruins relationships is not being able to compromise or communicate our feelings and needs to each other.
It's is striking to note that in the original message, the public wedding was the idea as the sufferer, and he wanted to maintain it although the spouse had advised against it.
I do believe that going for a public wedding was dreadful for the sufferer. At the same time, it was a challenge because he would like to things as other people do. He may not understand weddings at all, and wonder every day why people do that and go through tons of existential doubt, but the sufferer just has no clues about what he should do.
What is sad is that I don't see right issues. Advising against it will bring him more doubts, because he will believe that he's being told this simply because he's not right. Being supportive to the end will be painful too. In then end, whatever the issue is, everybody will be tired.
This is my interpretation of it. People with anxiety are clueless and always feel like simulating themselves and hiding their true feelings because they are scared and believes that most people around them can't understand anyway. They want to act perfectly according to some idealized model.
I'm generalizing from myself here of course, but sometimes I don't do things because I really want to do them, I do them because I feel that not doing them will be worse.
worriedgirl99
04-06-15, 12:25
Hi all. I have recently just joined the forum as having some serious issues with my partner or two and half years. Reading these posts has already offered me some comfort that i'm not the only one.
I am 30 and my partner is 45. He has been a good friend of our family for over 20 years, and is a very likable person, and a good friend to so many people. He has never married or had children, or before me been in a long term relationship. This is partly due to his anxiety, but also not finding the right person. I knew his background before we got together and went in with my eyes wide open, but over time i'm struggling to help him and the situation is getting bad between us.
He has no problem going out meeting people, or social events, has many close friends, but prefers to spend time on his own. He worries a lot about work and money (although has no money issues at all) it's still something he constantly stresses about. He paid off his mortgage and earns a very good salary but still worries about it all the time.
When we got together he was honest about his issues, how he likes to spend time alone, cannot sleep in same bed as someone, finds it hard to eat in front of people. I was honest too and said after a failing relationship a few years before i fell into depression and was on 20mg of citalopram tablets (although starting to reduce them at this point). We promised to help one another.
After a year we discussed moving in. He had never lived with a partner before as no relationship had ever got that far, but we decided perhaps it would help and he could adjust more to his issues. I moved into his house which he has lived in for 18 years. We decided to see how it went, and then if ok move to our own place, as after 18 years a fresh new place for him sounds like a good idea.
It's 18 months later and we haven't moved. Some days he wants to, other days he changes his mind and wants to stay in his house. We have always slept in separate rooms. Ocassionaly he will stay in with me but he stresses he wont be able to sleep and inevitably doesnt sleep and then wont do it again for a few weeks. Due to different work hours i have adjusted to this and it isn't a massive deal breaker, but it's his behaviour the rest of the time that worries me.
Our normal routine is him watching his sport on his own while i eat my dinner upstairs (as only one downstairs reception area) we struggle to sit and eat together or watch TV together as his anxiety gets the better of him and he has to walk out as he can hear me chewing or breathing. If i come home from work (even though he's expecting me) he has to go upstairs for 10 minutes to calm himself before coming down to say hello. After 10 minutes he is absolutely fine but it's never gone away, it happens every time. I try to be so supportive, accept it and tell him it's ok, but he knows i'm sad and therefore he stresses even more. We had talked marriage and children, but because of how things are he thinks it's not a good idea understandably.
He's a lovely man, but with some serious issues, and he thinks i'm very caring which in turn makes him feels worse about how he is. I love him so very much and want to help and support him but i feel it will always be like this, and i am not selfish in anyway but im beginning to wonder if staying with him is right for either of us. He always said he expected to always be alone, and is actually happy alone. But then he fell for me but realises it's not an ideal situation.
We've discussed me moving out for a while to see if some space will help, but i worry it will be the end. I want to do the right thing but i have no idea what that is. I'm almost 31, and i want my future with this man, but if it's not going to happen do i cut my losses or stick with it. I don't want him to end up alone which will probably happen if i go.
Any advice is very much appreciated. I don't want to lose him :frown:
My partner suffers from panic disorder, generalized anxiety, and a few other health issues that make each day a battle. I've been with him for almost two years and in that time we've been very honest and understanding with each other.
I myself am a constant worrier and suffer from slight anxiety. And his condition seems to make my anxiety worse at times.
I love him very much, we have the most caring, healthy relationship, and I can' t imagine my life without him. That being said, I'm scared and constantly worry about our future.
I don't know how to support him, and I feel so completely helpless and alone. I know that his condition isn't what makes him him, but sometimes I have selfish thoughts and wonder if this is something I want to live with for the rest of my life. Often he misses a lot of work, and thankfully he has a very understanding boss. But I worry, if we get married and have children, will we have financial stability, and will that burden fall upon me.
We don't go out a lot, or often leave early from things because he can't handle it. There are good moments and bad moments, and lately I find myself leaving him at home, venturing off to do things by myself, or finding someone else who can come with me.
I think about everything and realize, that if this is the life I ultimately choose, there are many things I will have to do by myself, because he is unable to share those experiences with me. It's not my ideal situation, because ultimately I would have wanted my partner by my side sharing in those experiences.
I dream that one day things will be okay, and he will be able to be that person holding my hand. But I also realize that may not be a realistic wish. So I'm left to really contemplate, do I stand by the person I love for better or worse, or do I walk away from someone who I don't want to live without, all because there are a lot of uncertainties and so many challenges ahead of us.
This is such a great thread and speaking as someone who has suffered with GAD and agroaphobia for 33 years it is no doubt a strain on my relationship with my wife as it would be with most.
Occasionally we have a row and I get "who else would have stood by you for so long" and I sometimes reply "that it was your choice, so don't always keep bringing it up".
I am lucky that I adapted my own business to my illness and want for nothing and everything goes to the family.
My kids have never seen a normal relationship where we do things together and the same applies in the last 20 years as my anxiety has got worse,to my wife and I doing things together.
My wife is the kindest person in the world,to the extent that others take advantage of her like, "can you take my dog for a walk today" and then this continues for MONTHS, i GO MAD AND SHE SAYS NOTHING.Naturally she is a dog lover and she spends 4 to 5 hours a day walking the dogs ,split up into three different times, to give herself space and clear her mind, and I accept that, however I really think that even she (let alone the doctors) understands the torment I go through on a daily and often nightly basis, and it isn't much fun for her.
.My quality of life is practically zero and I don't see it getting better and the recent heart attack was the last straw.
To be honest it's a miracle we have stayed together and it has had an impact on our grown up kids.
I didn't wish this illness on myself, none of us did, but it is bloody hard sometimes.
e217
Anxiety has ruined every relationship for me. Mine, not theirs. Your fears are not yours alone. So here I am free at last and old age has caught up. What I could not do mentally I can not do physically now.
I did try to do the things my partners wanted and felt good when I succeeded, but anxiety being what it is it was not enough. As I sit here I think how different life would have been if I had of had this freedom forty years ago. What I could have been. So I spend my down time trying to give people the freedom I have now so they don't waste forty years. Sometimes I'm even successful. You can not cure someone else's anxiety, they have to do that themselves but you can share information that leads to it.
Good thread.
I definitely sympathize with my wife - this is hard seeing someone go through this. I try as much as I can to get thru it myself without having to burden her. Due to my recent setback, we haven't gone out much. Past years had us going to the beach, renting a house for the week, going to Disney, family weddings across the US - all driving, of course, no way I'm getting on a plane. But recently, I've had no want to go anywhere or do anything. Have we gone out? Yes - but its been strained. There were a few get togethers where I had to literally drag her away from (she's uber social, whereas I'd rather sit home anyway) - most of the time I'd put up with it, but since my latest setback I've had to put the brakes on a lot of events, or just let her go with the kids. It sucks that I've ruined a couple of them - we went to a ball game not too long ago and all I wanted to do is leave because I felt so awful there. I tried to hide it, but they know. I've said, once I'm through this setback, I will take her on a cruise, she definitely deserves it.
Last night was a horrid example of me climbing into bed shaking like I was having a seizure and waking her up. Then I fell asleep and she got mad I woke her up.
But at the same time, I get mad at HER because there have been SO many times she's had a physical disability hinder things - she has had numerous back and neck issues and she has missed so many work days (she receives no sick leave), and she's walked out of two high paying jobs because she didn't like her boss. This puts an additional strain on our already tight budget, yet I support her 100%.
Hopefully we come out the other side of this. We've been together nearly 30 years.
I commend you jake for posting.
I always think rightly or wrongly, that it is more difficult for a man than a woman to openly express their feelings.
I guess a good question that I forgot to clarify in my thought was..
How can I better support him? And for those of you who are married/been in a long term relationship, how have you been able to overcome the challenges and ensure it doesn't become a big issue?
e217 - In my case, I'm the sufferer. If you go read my post, you'll see where this can be a burden to my wife.
The best thing *I* can do is try not to lean on her too much. I know that you should support your spouse no matter what, but this anxiety/depression crap can really test a relationship. I have medication I take if needed as well as a great support system of brothers, sisters, and a psychologist, as well as the internets. She's seen me at my best and at my worst. I try not to let the worst come out in full view of her - sometimes it does, but most of the time I can control it.
Best thing you can do is understand that he's going through something that is rough but treatable, as it would be for anything physical. You can support him by maybe going to therapy with him, helping him if he has any kind of homework the therapist wants him to do, and continue hanging around here asking questions.
Thank you for sharing Jake! Much appreciated, although it makes me feel sad to hear that as a sufferer you try to be strong and shoulder the burden.
Its amazing what we can shoulder. I have two grown children that come to me for so many things. I have a brother that calls me every other day for support because he's depressed. My wife depends on me for EVERYTHING, from mowing the yard to car maintenance to general emotional support. Work depends on me to put in at least 10 hours a day to keep things running smooth.
Sometimes its no wonder I get overwhelmed!
Sherylynmy
11-08-16, 14:18
Struggling100...I've been searching the net trying to find others going through what I am. Your post could've been written by me. It is so difficult going through these ups and downs of dealing with my guys anxiety. Some days it ok, but when it's not....it's horrible. Three times now I have found a new place to live. When I'm about to leave, he makes all these promises about change. About how much he loves me. I then feel guilty thinking about leaving....like I'm abandoning him, leaving someone when they really need help. There is much more to this, but I just wanted to say it is a comfort (for lack of better word) to know that others are going through this.
---------- Post added at 08:18 ---------- Previous post was at 08:03 ----------
I can so relate to the "walking on eggshells to now wake the horrible side". It is killing me inside. How do you learn to live with this?
I got a little upset reading this to be honest.
I feel so terrible for my partner, we've just bought a beautiful new house together and I was just so daunted by it all. All the moving, decorating, everything.
I spent nearly everyday lying on the floor just crying, while she worked around me and tried to make me feel better.
She really doesn't deserve all my bullshit that I've put on her.
I got a little upset reading this to be honest.
I feel so terrible for my partner, we've just bought a beautiful new house together and I was just so daunted by it all. All the moving, decorating, everything.
I spent nearly everyday lying on the floor just crying, while she worked around me and tried to make me feel better.
She really doesn't deserve all my bullshit that I've put on her.
I can understand this i've put my partner through so much and yet he's so understanding and caring, he would literally do anything for me and sometimes it gets me really down that i've caused so much upset, i am very appreciative and always let him know that and do nice things when i can. He says he is happy and he just wants me to be happy, he's had it really rough so i always try to think about that when i'm going through a bad patch. Not to make myself feel like crap but just to acknowledge it x
I can understand this i've put my partner through so much and yet he's so understanding and caring, he would literally do anything for me and sometimes it gets me really down that i've caused so much upset, i am very appreciative and always let him know that and do nice things when i can. He says he is happy and he just wants me to be happy, he's had it really rough so i always try to think about that when i'm going through a bad patch. Not to make myself feel like crap but just to acknowledge it x
It;s just so awful cos as the man in the relationship, I should be so much stronger than I am.
I should be decorating and supporting her and all I've done is wallow and just let her down.
Shes so great.
It;s just so awful cos as the man in the relationship, I should be so much stronger than I am.
I should be decorating and supporting her and all I've done is wallow and just let her down.
Shes so great.
Yeah i get how you feel totally and understandably it's going to make you upset thinking about it like that, but i'd try not to think i'm the man i should be .. ect ect and instead think you are a partnership and you're there for each other through the good and the bad. A lot of men/women don't care enough, and it's clear that you do, just make sure you let her know how appreciative you are i am sure she wouldn't want you to be down about that.
Thanks!
I just want it to fully go now.
samadensam
06-09-16, 05:45
Every year we plan a holiday my partner who suffers anxiety gets me to book my time off to coincide with his but as the time gets closer I see the signs and once again it gets cancelled this is now hapening for short breaks I know he can't help it but it's wearing thin we argue he won't get medication we then don't speak for days I am losing sleep now through guilt but feel there me real damage to our 22 year relationship as a partner of an anxiety sufferer I offer support but it's effecting me he turns it on me and it's all my fault for as he says not understanding I get the brunt every time what do I do I love him but getting close to walking away
I have a question to those of you who are either married or in committed relationships.
I am dating a girl right now, and things could be getting serious soon. Before anything else is said let me say that I love her and she is wonderful and amazing. That being said, she suffers from Anxiety. When i met her she was just fine, then she left on a volunteer service mission that was supposed to last 18 months, but developed this anxiety and needed to come home several months ago. I know full well that its not any one persons fault that she suffers from this monster. She wishes it would just end, more than anything else in the whole world.
I guess my question is, would you have married or committed like you have if you had known your partner suffered from anxiety, assuming of course that you didn't know before? On the one had, it seems very wrong to say "you know, i love you but you have this problem that I don't want to deal with, so ciao!"......and on the other, when considering marriage, doesn't one need to take into account their own feelings and concerns about committing to the other person? After reading some of these posts I am slightly more worried about it than I was before. Also, knowing her, she would not WANT to put someone through all these things that everyone had been talking about. On that note though, I care more about her and her needs than my own at this point....which can be a good thing as long as it is not taken to far.....
Anyone who had read this far can clearly see that I have a lot I need to figure out haha. Im guessing you all can sort of see where I am coming from though. Any input would be lovely!
If I'm honest, it really depends how much you love her and if you think that you can put up with the ups and the downs of her condition. You will feel like a carer at times in having to put up with her anxiety. In the OP, I have experienced most of what is described and think to myself that our marriage could be seen as almost emotional abuse, but at the end of the day I love her and we are set up fairly well. She will cross some lines but ultimately it is about how you deal with her issues as well as your own. You might even find (like I have) that the anxiety attacks actually decrease the more that she is happy and if you can be the man to make her happy then that is all the more satisfying for both of you, although there will be dips (like in any marriage).
If I'd have known the extent of her condition before we got married?! Well...I don't know...actually I think I would have been more prepared to deal with her condition and helping to support her through it, and reach out for a forum like this...Also, is it not good to know now before you get hitched? Everyone carries baggage around with them, some more than others...it just depends how strong your back is to help each other lug it around.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.