My experience with panic attacks and depression

[parttime_soldier]

This isn’t so much about me but someone I care very deeply for.
I’ve never suffered from anything like panic attacks or depression. I’m not really looking for advice, there’s nothing anyone can really advise me on, I just wanted to share.

I was in a relationship with a wonderful woman for a little over 2 years, we were engaged for over 1 year and were looking forward to children and making a home together.
We didn’t agree on everything but we had a lot in common and loved being with each other. She used to constantly tell me she loved me, that she was lucky to have me, that I was her hero. That was until she started having panic attacks and became depressed in March.

I can understand why it happened. She’s a very sensitive person and had to deal with a lot of pressure, including me being in Afghanistan for 6 months.
She became unable to drive, reluctant to leave her house, constantly worried… She was signed off work for 6 weeks, possibly longer as far as I know. She became medicated.
I did my best to try and be supportive, but I didn’t really understand. Admittedly I was a little frustrated and with hindsight should have been more supportive, I should have said things and behaved differently.

I last saw her the last first Thu and Fri of Apr. Everything seemed fine. We enjoyed a nice day out together, she was again telling me that she loved me, that she wanted to be special to me, that she was lucky to have me…
Then on the Sat we had our first fight every, and it was really over nothing. The fight was on the phone and about an hour later she called me back and told me she didn’t want to get married or be with me any more. She couldn’t really talk after saying that, neither of us could. I called her back the next day and she was so cold and closed off. She said she’d been having doubts for ages, she reeled off a list of my faults which was just shocking, told me she didn’t love me anymore. I couldn’t believe it. As the call was coming to an end I told her I loved her and she said she loved me to which was in complete contradiction to what she’d just been saying.

I’ve thought and thought about what she said, all my faults, and most of it was just untrue.
What she said was again in complete contradiction to what she had been saying and how she had been behaving the day before…

Maybe I’m in denial but I just can’t believe she doesn’t love me anymore. I’m convinced this was all just a combination of wedding jitters and her depression.

A good friend of mine has suffered from depression and told me the medication he was on messed with his mind. That he wasn’t himself for months after coming off his medication…
I just can’t believe she’s herself right now.

I didn’t react well to her leaving me. Hopefully that’s understandable after being told by the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with that she didn’t love me any more…
I sent her 3 emails explaining how I loved her and wanted to try and work things out… I closed off all contact, deleting her from my phone, MSN, Facebook, and letting her know… I returned everything she ever gave me…
I then regretted all that and tried to establish contact again. I sent her a text, as I still knew her number, telling her some really good news I had. She responded but was still very closed off.
Since then I’ve sent other friendly texts, sent her flowers, and tried phoning her but she just won’t respond or answer me.

I really can’t understand how this happened. We were so close and now she won’t even talk to me.
It’s not like her at all and I’m sure it has to be her illness.
It’s so sad and I have no idea how to reach her.


If there’s a moral to this story I guess it would be if someone you care about becomes depressed they could turn against you completely in the space of 24hrs.
Be as supportive of them as you can and this might not happen to you…

[diane07]

Hi parttime_soldier

A huge warm welcome to nmp.

You'll get loads of advice and support here and make some lovely friends along the way.

Best wishes

[Stormsky]

hi
sorry to hear this...
its very common for people with anxiety and depression to feel nothing for anything or anyone... and unfortuantely rash decisions are made by sufferers because of this feeling...believing the sudden doubts they feel now...
There are many threads on from sufferers saying they dont love their partner, and what should they do... or saying they dont feel anything for family or life in general...
I would give her time.... this may well be down to the anx/depression and meds...especially if it came out of no where...
I can recall feeling myself that I just didnt 'feel' anymore... meds can take away emotion, its meant to , to a degree....
but it does leave you confused over your feelings for those closest....
Take some time to read some threads on here from sufferers who feel this way....

---------- Post added at 19:53 ---------- Previous post was at 19:51 ----------

http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=114172&highlight=love+partner
read this thread, maybe you can help each other

[parttime_soldier]

Thanks Stormsky,
That’s very much what my friend who was previously depressed said and what I think has happened.

I have been reading these forums trying to understand her, one of the threads I read inspired me to post.

Yet while I think I understand what happened I am very confused…
I would love nothing more than to sit down and talk with her and understand what she’s going through. I’d of course want to try and work things out, when you love someone no problem is so bad that you wouldn’t want to try and work it out…
Sadly it’s very clear she suddenly wants nothing to do with me and there’s nothing I can do about that.
Some of the pressures she was under, that caused her depression, were related to me. My being away for so long, troubles with house hunting, us not agreeing on all wedding related issues, my mother being a pain in the arse… I can only imagine a big weight has been lifted off her shoulders after leaving me.

I just wish I could still be there in some small way to support her through her illness.

One good thing came out of all this though. I have discovered just how fantastic my friends are and what a strong bond we all share.

[Stormsky]

Sufferers find it hard to deal with the smallest of day to day tasks, i know believe me!! so you may be right about her ending things, to take away all the weight she felt under....
you can only try and keep an open communication, even if she doesnt respond, you can still text or write from time to tiime.... if this is all down to the illness and meds, she will soon realise what shes lost believe me....

[parttime_soldier]

Thanks again Stormsky,

Yes I would like to keep trying to reach her. However one has to ask the question of where to draw the line. After all the attempts I’ve made to speak with her, and with virtually no response, at some point it’ll become too much and I’ll just look like the jilted ex stalker… I don’t want to be that and I even told her I wouldn’t so I’m quite embarrassed about my actions.

I really think I now just have to step away and give her the respect and space she needs.

She may choose to contact me one day, which of course I’d love, but I really don’t expect to hear from her again.

I really can’t believe this happened.

[Stormsky]

well as long as she knows you are there if she needs you, then not much more you can do i guess....
dont be in limbo waiting around though, get on with your life as best you can....
you know the poem, if you love something, set it free, if it comes back, it is yours, if it doesnt, it never was......
you cant sit around for months on end, in the hope its just the illness... you have to move on, and if she does come back, then youll have to see how you feel about it all then.....

[parttime_soldier]

All very true,

While I’m still very upset and not really interested in meeting anyone else, I still have my “get on with it attitude” and am burying myself in work and friends as much as possible.

If anything it was good to hear your views on it all.

Cheers

[Stormsky]

sounds sensible attitude to me, catch up with friends, do some things/hobbies that make you feel good, enjoy yourself as best you can..... we dont want you getting depressed !! lol...

[parttime_soldier]

I’m not that way inclined to get depressed!

:)

No offence intended in any way with that

[Stormsky]

none taken..:D
it was just a case of pardon the pun, and was just joking with you.....

[bottleblond]

That is so sad.

I think you have done all you can do under the circumstances. What i will say though is, don't give up hope as this does all seem quite recent and if she has just began to take medication then it can really alter how she she reacts to situations.

I do feel for you as you sound like you really love this lady. Maybe a little time for her to adjust.

Hope things work out for you both.
Lisa

[MandyGM]

Panic attacks and anxiety are awful things. As a sufferer, I can say, my head was so full of confused thoughts at the start, I didn't know what I wanted, I wanted my husband with me, but he drove me up the wall lol. Little things that others cope with seem unsurmountable when you have anx/panic attacks, and unfortunately, at the start, meds can makeit all worse :( Hang in there if you can, all is not lost, a friendly "hello, how are you doing" text is not like stalkerish behaviour - I have some fab friends, and that's all they did for ages, even though I wasn't in a place to respond to them.

I hope everything works out for you, please don't blame yourself for what she is going through. She will come out of the other side, and if she is lucky, you will be waiting for her :hugs:

[Elen]

Hi

I can only agree with Bottleblond and Mandy.

I know that I have spent periods of time unable to communicate with other people but at the same time really grateful to people texting or messaging me.

Friendly hello's and enquiries as to her health I would hope would be appreciated.

As others have said meds can really mess with your head in the short term.

Wishing you all the best

Elen

[Lindy]

Such a sad story :(

I can relate to this - In my early 20s I ended a relationship due to depression and anxiety. I couldn't cope. I didnt know what I was feeling was real or not real. Whether I felt nothing because of the drugs (which was the case) or because I had fallen out of love. Doubting the strong feelings I had previously was awful. I knew I wasn't happy, I certainly couldn't make someone happy. And if I wasn't happy with myself, how could anyone ever be happy with me?

After some serious rows, there was nothing - we ignored each other for a few months adjusting..sort of...and then we were able to become friends. We both ended up seeing other people, but a year or so later we got back together. We just needed to know whether it was the illness or something else. It worked for a while, but ultimately we weren't right for each other. We're still friends now, and both very happy in our current relationships.

I hope she comes around and you can talk about it when she is feeling more clear headed.....

[parttime_soldier]

Thanks for all the replies.

Can anyone advise how long she might be on the meds before she gets her head straightened out and becomes more like herself again?
Bearing in mind that she’ll have been on them for almost 2 months by now…

[lauz_lea]

I agree with everything the other ladies have said. Last year I seriously considered leaving my husband, something that simply wouldn't have entered my mind if it wasn't for anx and depression. The only thing that stopped me was I couldn't afford to, and I'm so glad because I treated him so badly I'd have never got him back.

As far as meds go, everyone is different. IF the meds are right for her, she should be starting to feel the benefits, but it could be another couple of months before she feels her normal self again, and the usual GP's guidance is to stay on the meds for 6 months from that point.

In the meantime, all I can suggest is that you let her know you will still be there for her if you needs you, and drop her a text now and again to see how she is to at least maintain a friendship and an open line of communication with no pressure.

I feel for you - I put my husband through a lot, and I'm sure there where times he wanted to leave me, but I can say now how glad I am we got through it together, he knew I wasn't myself, and without him I couldn't have made it to where I am now. He knows me better than I know myself (which is often the way) and we'll be celebrating 14 years together next month, but with a renewed love and respect for one another.

[hella]

Im so sorry to hear about you and your partner. Although reading it, did feel like my partner had written it (two and half years ago) I not sure what meds your ex is taking, but when i was put on meds for panic attacks - even though they were anti-depressants - within a month i turned into someone i didnt recognise.

I was paranoid about everything, when my partner (i say partner because im still with him and soon to married to him, which i hope offers you some comfort in sorting things out with your ex) came back from Iraq, i was convince he never even went there and was having some sordid affair with someone 'normal' - obviously that wasnt case. I just couldnt stop myself from saying random paranoid things to him, which as you can imagine shock the living hell out him.

I told him i hated him and he should just find someone 'normal'. Evertime i would say something like that, i could hear myself saying and thinking 'wtf am i saying?' but i couldnt stop myself spouting crap. In the end i went the docs and stopped taking the meds and got CBT therapy instead, it took about 3 or 4 months for the meds to get completely out of my system.

Sometimes meds work for people and sometimes they make matters worse, in my case they did just that. Me and partner did split up for about 4 months but we got back together, because like you, he knew that it wasnt the 'real' me when i was meds, so i asked him to stay away until i got my head squared away.

Sorry for going on, your post kind of struck a cord with me and it was nice to read about how it affected you, because when i was on the meds i was quite selfish and only thinking about how bad i felt and not thinking how my partner felt in all of it :weep:

I really do hope that you two are able to sort it out.

[parttime_soldier]

Hi Hella,
Thanks for your post.

My ex does seem to have changed since going on meds. Her Doctor did say they would have the side effect of making her depressed before she started to get better. That’s partly why I just can’t believe she’s herself right now.

I don’t think she’s become paranoid, but then she’s ignoring every attempt I’ve made to communicate with her so I couldn’t say.
I tried to phone her again last night at a time when I knew she’d be home IF she’s gone back to work. Sadly it just rang through to voice mail. I’ve now put a letter in the post to her in the hope that that might reach her.

You and the others have encouraged me to keep trying to speak with her.
Even if it works out we can only be friends I can’t just give up on her when we were so close.

[a4000]

When my anxiety and depression was at its worst I just wanted to be alone all of the time. I lost almost all interest in my partner. I was hell, I'd wish to myself that I could just live alone. I would also get quite mean and vindictive and put my partner down over the smallest things.

For me, the my partner was always supportive and patient and now that things are getting back in control I feel much happier and I feel much more positive about our relationship.

I think you are doing the right thing by showing your support, hopefully the treatments will have a positive effect and you can both get back on track.

[struggling100]

Your situation is a lot like mine, and it was a great comfort to know I'm not alone. I have sent you a DM!

[parttime_soldier]

Thanks, I’ve replied.
Again I’m shocked at how similar our stories are.