Depression bumping its gums!

[Gman28]

Hello all!

Well coming off the back of a good week I can feel my depression bumping its gums again. The same feelings of pointlessness, hopelessness all that sort of crap kicking in again, one good thing is it doesn't feel as prominent as other times. I just hope it doesn't get as bad as the other week, friging awful that was. My dosage of citalopram was increased to 40 mg three weeks ago and it did feel like it was making a big improvement but it seems to of wore of a bit this week. Was wondering if anybody like me, when there in a depressed state do they question there excistince, the meaning of life?, what's the point of everything? It bloody annoying to say the least and extremely depressing at times, it stops me from enjoying the things I love when I can't see the point in it. Thanks for any replies guys

[Pinkcasi]

Yep, constantly, it's very difficult to get up and do ...well anything really, I think sometimes what makes it harder are the up's to the downs, there are always ups right, so when your having a down you think if only briefly it's got to get better, if i top myself i wont be able to get to the better.

It's all pants, but somtimes it's sexy pants.

(i have no idea what that analogy is supposed to mean ha ha )

[Gman28]

Hi pinkcasi,

Haha I like the little saying there,very good. I do honestley think at times if it was all to end then I would miss out on so much in life, and as you say when your feeling particularly good and you think you've made real progress in your recovery, it comes back to give you a right good kicking in. I do believe though we are all on the road to recovery but it's just going to take a while to get there.

[Pinkcasi]

Im more accepting of it all now, i've had too many 'relapses' or 'episodes' or whatever you want to call it, to believe that im never going to be 'cured' it's jut something i have to learn how to handle and for the most part i do, i went years being 'normal' and then it hits you like a train, but seeing the signs and being able to see it for what it is gives you a head start i think. I keep saying one day i will kill myself the next time i have a bad day or a fight with my sister or something i will just kill myself but then i bottle it i know that one day it'll just happen and i wont even think about it, and i long for that day the thought of it makes me smile of the freedom, the release.

I am in no way condoing sucicide as a course of action, it's gutless and selfish (so im told)
Im not really helping am i sorry, now iv'e just depressed myself *sigh*

[Gman28]

Like my therapist says (she also has had depression) even when where a hundred times better you will still get days where you feel like shit for no reason, you've just got to accept it and get on with your day, life etc... As best as you can, tommorow could be a great day.

[Pinkcasi]

Yeah i know and i do, it's just totally exhausting, even the good days aren't good like normal people's good, you know i told my therapist once, 'if i manage to make it through a day without thiking about killing myself i consider it a good day' to be fair that was a while ago and things have been better on and off, Oh whatever it could beworse i guess, I hate being all woe is me about it, my sister complains that that's all I do 'it's all woe is you all the time, just be normal can't you', and it get's boring to my ears let alone everyone elses.

[Gman28]

I'm sorry to say but your sister is being ridiculous, no one is 'normal'. Where all weird in our own little ways! If we were all normal it would a very boring place. Like Stephen fry said when your depressed you can't make yourself cheer up any more then you can make yourself grow 6 inches in height. I wouldn't wish this on anybody but to any non believers I would like them in my shoes on a bad day and see how 'normal' they can be.

[Pinkcasi]

I know but she openly admits that she doesn't undersdtand it she's lucky to never have been afflicted she has the perfect little life and she just 'gets on with it' no matter what, so why cant I, we had the same upbringing, same parents and what not but i suffer with depression anxiety, ocd self harm and have sucicidal tendancies where as she is perfect and can do no wrong, but god help you if you live your life in a way that she doesn't agree with she'll wish you dead in heartbeat, ha ha does she know how ridiclous it is to wish a sucicidal person Oh im so scared!
Phew, ok this is starting to sound like therapy ha ha

[Gman28]

get it out pinkcasi, this is one of the few places where you can do that, no one will judge you on here. Are you or have you tried medication? it will help to ease your suffering.

[Pinkcasi]

Thanks it's just what i need. Yeah i've been on and off meds for years, done cbt and what not, im on citalopram just now, was on for about a year then came off cold turkey that's why im having a hard time just now, am back on now 2 weeks in but they dont appear to be helping, i think it's just been a stressful time and it was really bad time for the random detox.

[Gman28]

coming off meds cold turkey is never good, I think you should give the meds time to kick in again. Let your body adjust to them, dont forget your symptoms may worsen in the first few weeks until you get used to them.:)

[Pinkcasi]

Yeah tell me about it!