View Full Version : did i deserve what happened to me
Hello everyone. This is quite hard to talk to people about this as it is very upsetting and has been supressed for years so I'm just going to say it.
For years from the age of 8 to 11 I was sexually abused by a family friend. I went to my mum, dad and psychologist about it and go no help. So now I'm trying to sort it all out on my own.
For the past month I have been getting 2 hours sleep each night because I keep having vivid horrific dreams about what happened to mewhere I wake up crying sweating hallucinating.
I feel like I am going crazy and that this is some punishment because I am a horrible person and deserved what happened to me.
its not you no way do you deserve that
the dirty nonce the dirty sex case has hurt you
go to the police if you can
its not grassing its saveing the next one from the nonce
you will get over this
god bless
Of course you didn't deserve that, dont ever think it's your fault or that you are a bad person, you were a child, how could it possibly be your fault.
I cant possibly imagine how you feel and what you've been through, but from what i understand it's normal for the victim to feel at fault somehow, but you have to stop feeling that way (easy to say i know) and know that you are a good person who needs to not allow this horrible thing destroy your life.
Dont let the B*****d win
:bighug1:
Thank you. Its just so difficult I have turned to my parents for love approval understanding but they just ignore it because its hard for them which I understand but I also feel so frustrated that they should be protetcing me
It has to be one of the most difficult things for any family to go through im sure your parents are struggling to know what to do for the best.
Are you on meds, currently? are you having any kind of therapy just now? I definately think you should, and if you cant handle something like family therapy (i know i couldn't) then just concentrate on you and learning to accept yourself.
I don't really have anything to do with my mum as she used to abuse me as well. And my dad has only recently got into contact so we are trying to have a relationship but its hard. I'm on fluoxetine and melatonin but melatonin seems to make the dreams even more vivid and frequennt
Perhaps speak to your Dr if theyre making things worse, perhaps try somehing else, also CBT would be a good idea give yu the chance to talk things through in a safe environment.
Good luck :)
Please don't ever think it was your fault. It absolutely wasn't. Perhaps these people, or a similar organisation could help?http://www.supportline.org.uk/about/index.php
Thank you for all your positive comments and kindness xxx
Report it to the police it's never too late..... then you may find some closure and justice for what must've been a horrific part of your life
sickandtired
09-05-12, 16:13
In no way did you ever deserve that!! please believe me.Im so sorry you havent had the help you need
something similar happened to me,but it was a stranger.i was only 8 and actually thought it was some sort of 'test' to see if i was a good girl or not.i wont go into details but the freak was very cunning in gaining my trust.
i preyed for weeks afterwards because i was so confused...i went from being sad and knowing it was the 'freak' who,d been bad,to feeling guilty because i let it happen.
i didnt tell my mum until i was 19.she had enough on her plate with being battered daily off my step dad.....
I bottled it all up,and thought i could get through it by getting drunk,taking drugs,telling myself i was having a great time.......always being the life and soul of the party....people thought i was this happy confident person.
I still managed to meet my hubby and have 3 lovely children....so i started thinking that because Id managed to lead a normal life.....I was ok....I was normal.....I thought I was strong,I thought....because i wasnt actually raped.....it wasnt as bad as what some poor people go through.i buried the memory
BUT,it did effect me.....in the way I parent my own children.when they were little i was so happy....they were in MY care and NOTHING bad would happen to them.
as they got older and wanted to play out,sleep over at friends etc etc.....my overprotectiveness became obsessive and I became impossible....shouting,irritable,crying wanting to control every aspect of their lives.
.In October of last year ,my Mum had a seizure and from that day on....my whole world fell apart....I became agrophobic,had several massive panic attacks,wouldnt see friends,I even stopped washing and brushing my teeth...I couldnt do the housework,wouldnt let my hubby near me....became increasingly depressed and just cried constantly.Everytime my kids went out of the door,I had these horrible intrusive thoughts and feelings that something just dreadful was going to happen.I started having flashbacks of the abuse and even became convinced that my neighbours might hurt or abuse my children.......everyone was a potential abuser as far as I was concerned.I even imagined terrorist attacks,coach crashes,fires.etc etc....my mind was in constant turmoil,I suffered terribly with insomnia and thought i was going mad.
perhaps see your doctor about stopping the melatonin or up your fluoxetine? im on 20mg of fluoxetine and its been a godsend to me....but also,finding someone you trust who you can talk to.Have you been offered CBT? My wellbeing practitioner was gobsmacked that Id never had any councelling....
taking meds will help short term......talking about it and understanding that it is NOT your fault wont erase the memory,but it will help you come to terms with it and move on.
pm me if you like xxx
Thank you. But I am ashamed to say I am just too cowardly. The people I have toldhave either ignored what I have said or not believed it. So I don't have any trust with people. Which makes me feel. Completely alone in the world
I still can't sleep I feel so wired so I can't relax I juyst feel so uptight. I wish I was strong enough to talk to my family and the police about it. But I just feel so ashamed like its all my fault.
---------- Post added at 20:41 ---------- Previous post was at 20:36 ----------
Thank you so much for sharing all of this with me. I understand what you mean I blocked all the memories away I only admitted it when I was fourteen now I do talk to my councillor about it but I still dream about men raping me every day its always so horrific and I wake up crying and hallucinating I just don't want to believe all men are the same but deep down I honestly do believe all men will rape and hurt women just to please themselves
sickandtired
12-05-12, 11:32
Its hard when you think no one will believe you,Ive been the same and I still wont go to the police....I dont trust them...they never helped us when my step dad was threatening to kill us,smashing our windows,setting fire to the house ....I could write a book.
You need more support through this.
My therapist is trying to help me understand that its normal to feel how i do,considering my childhood.....but to not let it rule my life...(easier said than done) Im getting there,but there are certain things I will not back down on...ie; My kids are not allowed out in the dark,near trees,the park etc etc
Once you start opening up to someone and getting the reassurance that none of it was your fault,you can start to build up your confidence to face the world.
I feel lucky in that Im quite strong....Ive got the attitude..."why let the freak win? ruin my life?" A big help was getting a job and having adult company (Im a dinnerlady so Im in all female company,which I feel most comfortable with) Its still early days but its helped me get some normality back into my life....less time to brood over the past.Talking really helps,I promise you.You dont have to go into detail......just talk about your fears to a close friend.Once Id let it all out,it was like a load off my mind.....and I was ready to deal with it.My CBT sessions are still in the early days and I have shed more tears,but I think it will help,long term.
It must be very hard when youre still having flashbacks and horrible dreams though....how can you forget when your mind wont let you? you need to learn to rest your mind,find ways of relaxing,which will help you sleep at night.
I was the same.....suffered terribly with Insomnia,tossing and turning all night long....remembering the horrible words of my step father to my Mum (he even raped her as well as battered her) then flashes of my own abuse......made me feel physically sick.The panic attacks had me housebound for a while.....I really dont know how I got through it,but you need to take each day as it comes.
Go and see your doc again....ask to speak to a female doctor......explain the horrific dreams and tell her you NEED more help.you are not a coward.....you need to find that one person who you trust and let it all out.your self esteem is rock bottom....it wont always be this way,I promise.xxx:hugs:
---------- Post added at 11:32 ---------- Previous post was at 11:25 ----------
ps; I took Nytol for a few months and really did help with my sleep....its not for everyone,but worth a try.....I used the blue box ones.....theyre an antihistamine ,2 tablets half an hour before bed (not herbal,they didnt work) Dont watch TV in bed or go on the laptop late at night......
I really believe the key is good sleep.....
Something like sickandtired went through happend to me by a lodger my mum took in.
We took in lodgers then, this one did not succeed in what he tried to do as my screaming was heard by a neighbour next door. My parents were round there for some reason .I'll never know. They rushed round and the police came. I refused to say anything as I was to shy. The lodger was sent packing and nothing of it was mentioned it ever again. I still remember the horror of trying to keep this horrible man from hurting me. I was eight years old.
thank you sickandtired. i know i need more help but i dont want people thinking im being really attention seeking because the people i have turned to for help either ignore it or tell me to get over it. i have mentioned it to my mum who really does hate me hoping it will make her finally love and accept me as well as trying to help me. but she either tells me ive made it up or that i just need to get over it. which i find so upsetting because at the end of the day if i had a daughter i know i would support her but i am just left to it all alone. i have been through councilling for years but she was really horribly luckily i have a new psychiatrist now and she is much more helpful but it is so hard to change. i appreciate you opening up to me though i know it seems impossible at times so thank you so much
---------- Post added at 20:33 ---------- Previous post was at 20:30 ----------
hello magic :)
i am so sorry you had to go through that and at such a young age. thats when it started for me. have you had support with this? i know you may be thinking oh it only happened once its no big deal but believe me it is it doesnt matter if it happens once or hundreds of times it messes with your head.
so thank you for opening up and if you ever need to talk please message me i want to support people as much as they support me if i can
sickandtired
13-05-12, 18:43
thank god you have a new psychiatrist.people who think you are attention seeking have no clue!! it makes me so mad that anyone would actually think you would make such things up...i think your mum is probably scared of accepting the truth because it would be an admission that she failed you
I was also 8 when it happened to me....the freak (although never got me alone again) continued to follow me around,even through my teenage years and even had the nerve to come and stand right behind me in a pub some years ago...my husband was with me and i was too scared to even tell him then (i think he would have killed him) i just put my drink down and walked out of the pub in tears....i actually thought he would get my girls and do the same to them.I even had visualisations where he would get them after school and abduct them...put them in the boot of his car.I was NEVER late picking them up from school.
My youngest was born the day before the Soham girls went missing....it really had an effect on me,and re enforced my belief that the world was such a big bad place.I preyed and preyed they would be found safe and was heartbroken when the terrible news came.their poor parents
i feel im getting better only because my girls are getting older (and nearly past that innocent age where theyre so vulnerable)
I am finding life bearable again,doing things which make me happy,surrounding myself with my good friends and family......having support is vital....and sleep....you need sleep
i had so much anger for years,but you cant stay that way for too long....it takes a chunk out of your life and leaves you weary.....you need to start healing
im here if you need to vent
Having you to chat to is so helpful. I am sorry you've had such a hard time. I constantly have vivid dreams and hallucinations of the pervert who hurt me kidnapping my little brother and sister. I am glad you are starting to feel better in the sense of you don't have to worry about your hcldren as much. How are your children now? You must be really close to them I wish I had a supportive family. I am only 17 and only see me dad rarely I always feel very isolated and alone
sickandtired
13-05-12, 20:40
you poor thing.....its so much to deal with and it wasnt really that long ago for you.
you are at a difficult age and what you do now,may set you up for life......its so hard when you have so many painful memories.please dont go down the same root as me (ie drink and drugs,promiscuity....yes,after everything that happened,i slept around...it doesnt make any sense,i know
there is so much happiness to be found and you have your whole life ahead of you.....yes...even with the horrible memories...you can lead a happy life,you deserve to!
why let him win??? make a promise to yourself,that you,re going to get through this....take charge of your future....
may i ask,are you at college? working?
onecardonly
13-05-12, 20:44
My self and my sister suffered a simular experience to u and i too had many feelings of self hate and blaming myself! I have been under treatment for 4 years now and no longer feel its my fault! New pathways is an excellent association to deal with these issues, there is a long waiting list for them but certainly worth the wait as they specialize in this area! Get the treatment you use and then find the strength within you to take control of your life and feelings again! Don't try to do this alone as it will never work! Speak to your doctor, request to be reffered to new pathways and begin your recovery! 20 years after the incidents with myself and my sister and we reported it to the police! He was found guilty 20 years later and went to prison for 3 years! The court is a horrific experience and i advise that you get yourself better before even considering going through with it! You MUST get your self strong and in a good place first! Good luck with getting better! He has already taken years of your life from you, please do not let him take anymore! xxxxx
I am desperate to go down the right path and to prove everyone wrong and lead a happy life. I do drink and take drugs occasionally. I was at college but I then had to drop out to become a full time career for my granada my only family member who loved me but he passed away. So I am going back to college in september and I'm volunteering loads atm to keep busy. You should be very proud of yourself to be on theis website and to have a wonderful family. He hasn't won :)
---------- Post added at 13:43 ---------- Previous post was at 13:39 ----------
Thank you onecardonly. I am so amazed that you were strong enough to go through the court systme I am cowardly and dont believe I will ever be strong enough to do that I selfishly I just want to forget all about him and be happy. Some days I feel so strong and positive but other days all I can do is self harm because I hate myself so much and feel so alone
No!
It's not your fault this happened to you. You are definitely not to blame. I can't understand why you havn't had any help and I hope that you find some.
All the best x
Beckybooboo
14-05-12, 16:06
Hi,
I am so, so sorry for hearing what you went through. I can't imagine your distress and upset caused by this extremely unfortunate situation that you were involved in.
Firstly, please do not blame yourself for these actions. Do not ever, make yourself feel as if it was your fault. You are not to blame in this. You were the innocent party who was affected by this terrible situation and for that, I offer my sincerest condolences to you for what you experienced.
I find it a terrible shame that you were unable to source help from your mother, father and psychologist regarding the experience you faced. I totally agree with you that if I was in that situation, it would cause a detrimental effect to anyones self esteem, ego and also self worth. I am still in shock about how this was dealt with.
As per above, it has been mentioned that justice is still there to be gained. I feel, that instead of blaming yourself you should report this person to the police, if your mentality allows you to do so. It will cause extreme distress for you having to speak about these issues, thus, causing you to relive the nightmare again. But, in hindsight, you would be gaining a positive outcome in all of this - JUSTICE.
I am very sorry to hear about what you've gone through and I think you know in your own heart what the steps are that need to be taken for this to be dealt with and for you to be able to live. Honestly, you'll never get over this - but you will be able to get through it with the correct, professional help and approach to this awful situation.
Never blame yourself, be true to you. You can do this.
All the best,
Becky
onecardonly
14-05-12, 16:21
Unfortunately you will never forget, u can blank it out for periods of time but you will never forget! So what you have to do now is find a way of living with it and being happy! You will finally realize that it was not your fault and then you will start to be happy with yourself and your life! Please, please get treatment as otherwise it will always come back to haunt you! It doesn't matter how many people on here tell you it is not your fault you will never truly believe it until you have had the appropriate treatment!
I too used to use alcohol and drugs, mainly to block out feelings and memories but this is no way for you to live the rest of your life! I hope you find the courage and get the treatment and finally live a happy life! x:hugs:
in my mind when i is mentioned about going to the police its like the idea just bounces off me. i will never be strong enough to do that. all i want is to be happy with who i am. when i do rarely sleep i have such vivid dreams and hallucinations off being hurt again and that hes in my flat it is so terrifying because it feels so real.
the only time i have ever been accepted and cared for is by my abuser so now when i meet people especially men i feel like i have to look and act a certain way otherwise i wont be loved and accepted. so i do hundreds of situps a day go on bike rides the treadmill etc but i still feel disgusting fat moreover i feel i will never be accepted.
i hope that makes sense
sickandtired
17-05-12, 08:28
try not to focus on going to the police yet....if you feel you arent strong enough,then trust your judgement.concentrate on getting well......on doing things that make you happy....
you are nearly an adult and YOU are in charge of your destination now....he cant hurt you anymore...dont let him win! he has already completely crushed your self esteem,but you can heal,you can get better and feel good about yourself...it just takes time.
are you having CBT? if you really open up to your councellor,it will help you understand your feelings about yourself and accept yourself first ....once you start to build up your confidence and self esteem,the dreams should start to fade x
Yes I am on cbt it is helpful but its so tough because it so up and down. The past few days have been impossible as now even my boyfriend isn't being supportive anymore so I feel very alone and desperate
Beckybooboo
21-05-12, 03:12
Yes I am on cbt it is helpful but its so tough because it so up and down. The past few days have been impossible as now even my boyfriend isn't being supportive anymore so I feel very alone and desperate
Hi Hun,
Sorry to hear you're going through such a difficult time.
PM me when you get this and I'll respond as quickly as I can, remember, you're not alone and we will get you through this.
All the best,
Becky
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