View Full Version : No friends...
Anyone else feel as thought they have no friends?
It almost sounds kind of "childish" to say, but I really feel this way and very depressed in general :weep:
I used to have a good social life, but since I split from a 4 year relationship I didn't keep in contact with him or the people we spent lots of time with. Even when we were together though I regularly felt lonely, and like I didn't have any friends I truly connected with, I think I've been feeling this my entire life!
Im just horribly awkward and find in so hard to have a conversation with someone that doesn't make me feel uncomfortable about myself.
I have a new partner who is wonderful and live at home with my parents but I feel very lonely and depressed that I don't have real friends. I feel like Im not getting the most out of life because of this! I get a mental block in social situations and can't "click" with anyone except my boyfriend. It leaves me feeling like I am such a boring person without a life.
I have a job but its a very isolated job I actually have no work colleague's and this really doesn't help matters.
Any tips on how to relax in social situations and not be scared of speaking or feeling like you have nothing to say because your a bore and ridding such negative thoughts?
Thanks!
how do you rub along when youre out with your new boyfriends' mates and their girlfriends?
do you not get on with a couple of those?
is there anything you are keeping to yourself as that can make a person go into their shell and not enjoy socialising.
Opener, it's not childish to feel that way. Most people want friendships so you are just normal there.
It sounds like you are overgeneralising a bit and also dismissing good things in your life. For example I notice that you said that you used to have a good social life, but you then quickly dismissed that as not true. I wonder if in reality that was true but you've built up a belief that it never was that way?
Sometimes I used to feel really out of my depth in social situations too and was worried that I was a boring person. Two things which helped me were these. First I started taking some risks by telling people what I really did believe or had been doing (within reason of course.) It made me a more interesting person to them. Before I'd been too afraid of being judged - are you afraid of that too? Also asking more questions about other people takes some pressure off. It helps them to know that you are genuinely interested in them and helps you to focus on listening rather than thinking about how you're coming over.
but I really feel this way and very depressed in general :weep:
Even when we were together though I regularly felt lonely, and like I didn't have any friends I truly connected with, I think I've been feeling this my entire life!
Im just horribly awkward and find in so hard to have a conversation with someone that doesn't make me feel uncomfortable about myself.
I get a mental block in social situations and can't "click" with anyone except my boyfriend. It leaves me feeling like I am such a boring person without a life.
Thanks!
Hi. I have taken quotes from your post to highlight your negative statements about yourself. I am sure so many of us can relate to how you feel, I also have problems interacting in social situations.
Your first step is to visit your GP and explain everything, not easy I know with social anxiety but if you have a doctor who is supportive that will be a great help. He may recommend a course of CBT which you may find helpful. Other options are to have a look at the sites of NoPanic and AnxietyUK. They have help available if you ask for it.
I am sure that you have a lot to offer in a friendship.
hey folks thank you for the feedback!
stuart, I struggle along with my boyfriends friends, but I live in constant self doubt and I do "cling" a lot to my boyfriends side as I avoid being left alone with the members of his friendship group. I consider it a lot like being a "fly on the wall". I listen deeply to conversations around me but I don't engage. I speak when Im spoken to but the doubt and lack of confidence is crippling for me at present. I feel deeply that I have nothing to offer.
bazbaz, I think I am definitely afraid of being judged. This happens no matter what though right? Im judged as being very reserved or introverted or whatever. I think a lot of it boils down to self loathing though, and some wallowing in my own negativity. Repeating thoughts of "ive got no friends" "no one cares" etc but I don't know why I feel so negatively toward myself though. Why have I got no friends? Because I don't engage, pretty much! Good call though on the asking questions suggestion, I feel more comfortable talking about others in social situations then myself.
thanks flossie. Im a regular at my GP's office! Mostly to do with my panic disorder issues and other health problems. Thats what I was diagnosed with anyway and put on citalopram which helped a lot! My social issues have taken a back seat to be honest, not such a pressing matter but Im started to realize how low its making me feel and detached from reality almost! Connecting with people I feel will help me tune in with reality but its not easy or natural for me :) it needs work and ill mention it to my GP some form of therapy might help piece together my issues so I can resolve them.
I can really relate to this. Until I got ill, my friends were my whole life. I was always out. I loved having a wide circle of friends and it's something I really miss. I've gone for a decade now without having friends, and it's easy to get out of. I think there's a real loss of confidence that comes from not interacting regularly. Now, when I have a problem or something happens, I really miss being able to pick up the phone and speak to a friend. I still dream about friends from school etc because I miss being part of a group so much. Sorry, didn't mean for this to be all about me, but just letting you know how much I relate.
I'll be your friend if you like?! :D
I can sympathise with you, about having 'no friends'
Having social anxiety, causes people to eventually pull away, as they don't get you.
Anxiety sucks!
london guy
12-05-12, 20:37
I still dream about friends from school etc because I miss being part of a group so much
I do that too. I haven't had a friend for about...8 years ish. I lost touch with them all because of anxiety and hiding away until they fell away one by one. Its a shame because I miss them. There is no one I can call for no reason. But I do have lots of time for hobbies, so swings and roundabouts I suppose!
theharvestmouse
12-05-12, 21:41
I also dream about school friends, I moved away from my home town so not seen them for years, but it shows how much I still think about those days.
kashameets
13-05-12, 01:42
I live in kent and go to a meet up group that was started on here and have made some very good friends who understand how i feel so why not try setting up a meet in your area by posting on here :smile: link to meet up threads http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/forumdisplay.php?f=31
I can really relate to this. Until I got ill, my friends were my whole life. I was always out. I loved having a wide circle of friends and it's something I really miss. I've gone for a decade now without having friends, and it's easy to get out of. I think there's a real loss of confidence that comes from not interacting regularly. Now, when I have a problem or something happens, I really miss being able to pick up the phone and speak to a friend. I still dream about friends from school etc because I miss being part of a group so much. Sorry, didn't mean for this to be all about me, but just letting you know how much I relate.
I'll be your friend if you like?! :D
Yes!! I completely agree that you loose so much confidence when you stop interacting with people regularly. Its something you learn to do from the moment your born pretty much, but for some it doesn't feel like that! I feel kind of stunted or like that part of me has never developed properly or something :blush: it's such a personal thing, unique to everyone just like hobbies and talents.
I've never felt that comfortably, socially. From as early as I can remember, and from what my parents have told me I struggled to interact at nursery, was neglected by the nursery staff (to my parents horror when they found out) and tried to run away numerous times.
I got much better up into my early twenty's, never totally "with it" but content because I was in good company and company that accepted my quiet subdued nature. As folk do, the people I spent time with split and left town to move all over the place. I think that chipped my confidence and ive never met anyone like those people since.
I feel at an all time time low at the moment. The more I TRY and socialize, the more I feel like a total oddball!! In response, Im spending more and more time in my house, alone. At the weekend just gone, I thought go for it! Call someone and ask to hang out! I did and they said yes, but at the last minute I bailed out, said I couldn't come. I was excited but then right before I was supposed to go meet them I had a wobbly and felt like I can't interact for some reason. I then re-organized for saturday, and didn't go. Then again on sunday, and didn't go... again. :weep:
I definitely need a confidence boost!!!
P.s Of corse I'll be your pal haha. Thats very sweet :bighug1:
Truth is I have no friends either... the older I get, the worse my social anxiety gets it seems...shouldn't it be the opposite? lol. Even in chat rooms I am shy! I do miss not having anyone to really turn to for support much. Every time I meet folks or try and start a convo I'm just so darn nervous and i guess it shows b/c they too sometimes get awkward... I am too shy/socially awkward for my own good! I can def relate to this.
Im really shy to,really find it hard meetin new ppl
Mr Brownstone
19-05-12, 16:46
Might sound cliche, but Facebook is a good place to be for this. Gives you the chance to interact with others at your own pace. You can sit on the sidelines and watch others conversations if you like, and make the odd comment when you see fit.You might start re-building those bridges with some.
charliepanayi
19-05-12, 19:29
Might sound cliche, but Facebook is a good place to be for this. Gives you the chance to interact with others at your own pace. You can sit on the sidelines and watch others conversations if you like, and make the odd comment when you see fit.You might start re-building those bridges with some.
I find Facebook just causes me to see the great social lives and relationships acquaintances and work colleagues of mine have, and makes me feel more depressed at times.
I find Facebook v depressing too - I had an account for a while but found it just highlights how few people I have in my life and how well everyone else is supposedly doing!
I have severe social anxiety and apart from my partner and family have hardly any contact with anyone else. I really regret having lost contact with the few people I have got on with over the years, I wish I'd made more of an effort to stay in touch rather than letting my social anxiety win :( Sadaya rose - i find chatrooms really difficult too, thought I was the only one lol, silly isn't it?! I'm in my 30s now and would love to have some friends, is really hard to go about it though! Sorry if I've gone off a on a bit of a tangent...
Yeah especially if you don't. I left school and left all my friends. I have my boyfriend and thats it. I dont socialise outside work even though i get on with people. all people do is drink and im not a drinker.
i feel awkward sometimes think ill say the wrong thing or people will judge me. or they'll know i have no friends.
i'm 23. i find it hard to talk to people about me so they dont understand my insercurities, sometimes i wonder if i using all that as an exscues
I find Facebook just causes me to see the great social lives and relationships acquaintances and work colleagues of mine have, and makes me feel more depressed at times.
Yes, I get sucked into that as well. Makes me feel even more isolated.
I can relate to every negative comment about social anxiety.
I used to be really outgoing and made friends really easily without effort. I am not by nature a shy person and would talk to anybody about any subject.
Now I have one friend, who lives 230 miles away from me, I have moved house quite a lot over the years, but not going out for meals, pubs and other social meeting places soon leaves you all alone and lonely.
I have panic attacks when talking to people, can not look at them, and get totally paranoid.
That said, I am taking steps to overcome my SA, by repeatedly putting myself in situations that scare me.
Mr Brownstone
26-05-12, 11:47
I find Facebook just causes me to see the great social lives and relationships acquaintances and work colleagues of mine have, and makes me feel more depressed at times.
You're using it wrong!! Dont go snooping on what each individual is up to.
If anyone is unhappy having no friends, then you need to do something about it. Its that simple. Rejecting something like FB because you're jealous of others is not helping. Jump in, make the odd comment, you'll soon find you're part of their social life even if its initially just online. Everyone has problems, they maybe just dont show it online..would you? The belief that everyone is having a great time 24/7 is nonsense. I know someone who gives the impression that everything is rosey 24/7, but I know her husband cheated on her, and so does she. Its not rosey, her life is never to be the same again...but you'd have no idea that was happening.
I dont have many friends, but now have the odd meet up with old friends because of FB, even simple things like bumping into someone in town thats on my friends list...we now stop and talk instead of either ignoring each other, or just nodding in acknowledgement. It can work, you have to make an effort or nothing will change.
charliepanayi
26-05-12, 18:46
You're using it wrong!! Dont go snooping on what each individual is up to.
If anyone is unhappy having no friends, then you need to do something about it. Its that simple. Rejecting something like FB because you're jealous of others is not helping. Jump in, make the odd comment, you'll soon find you're part of their social life even if its initially just online. Everyone has problems, they maybe just dont show it online..would you? The belief that everyone is having a great time 24/7 is nonsense. I know someone who gives the impression that everything is rosey 24/7, but I know her husband cheated on her, and so does she. Its not rosey, her life is never to be the same again...but you'd have no idea that was happening.
I dont have many friends, but now have the odd meet up with old friends because of FB, even simple things like bumping into someone in town thats on my friends list...we now stop and talk instead of either ignoring each other, or just nodding in acknowledgement. It can work, you have to make an effort or nothing will change.
Thank you for your utterly patronising (and actually rather insulting) comments - you know nothing about my life, yet you dare to presume I make no efforts with my social anxiety.
Mr Brownstone
26-05-12, 18:53
Thank you for your utterly patronising (and actually rather insulting) comments - you know nothing about my life, yet you dare to presume I make no efforts with my social anxiety.
Hmm, actually only the first line was directed at you. The rest is generic. I am quite aware that everyone is different, but if my comments make a difference to one single person making friends then it was worth it.
You shouldnt assume everyone is like you.
Even after reading a lot of threads on the forum, I still thought I was the only one with no friends, until seeing this thread. Kind of like thinking when I am having severe anxiety that I am the only one suffering, when coming here makes me realise I am not.
So what I am saying is its helpful to know that others have difficulties making friends or socialising. I have always been shy, and am quite happy with my own company a lot of the time, but often reflect back to the days of childhood, when I had lots of good mates, and we used to do all the stuff kids do. And then life changed in my teens with a depressive episode that wasn't treated as such, followed by a major trauma in my early twenties that changed life forever, again looking back. All these affected my personality and mental health, and perhaps most importantly, self confidence/esteem. Add in trust issues, and there ain't a great recipe for wanting friends, finding friends, or keeping them..!
So I feel for all of us who have these problems. Life is tough, and mental health is probably really important for us to keep things balanced and ticking over, and that includes friends I guess.
It's nice to be able to relate to people, makes me feel less like a failure, less like a nutter, and more like a human. So thanks! :)
I have no friends but i really do not want any.That may sound harsh but i just cannot be bothered with it.I have a wife and 2 kids and a job i enjoy,my life is so full i have no room for friends.I get on well with my work mates and we have a good laugh but i very rarely go out on their nights out drinking.I am just not into that anymore.
I am happy without friends.:)
charliepanayi
12-06-12, 21:41
I have no friends but i really do not want any.That may sound harsh but i just cannot be bothered with it.I have a wife and 2 kids and a job i enjoy,my life is so full i have no room for friends.I get on well with my work mates and we have a good laugh but i very rarely go out on their nights out drinking.I am just not into that anymore.
I am happy without friends.:)
Good for you but it's easy to say you are happy without friends when you have a family you're clearly devoted to.
Connor_cbt
12-06-12, 21:42
hi :)
I really sympathise with you guys, as I have a similar experience I once had a good social life that now is a distant memory, but socialising is a skill it takes time to learn and practice to maintain like any other skill and if you stop for a while you can lose confidence and it takes time to rebuild that. If you were to stop driving for a long time and then decide to head out onto the motorway or a big city you would likely feel similarly overwhelmed. The common mistake i made as like many others I thought it was best to wait until i felt more confident before I tried to make things better but thats completely backwards! You have to succeed to become confident and learn not to be so harsh on yourself about any failures, once you push your comfort zone and succeed you'll find that soon you'll become more confident, the trick is finding the right challenge that is big enough to feel like an achievement but not too big to be unrealistic about what you feel able to cope with.
None of this is a perfect science, it takes some trial and error so be prepared to take a few knocks, but each time you will learn something new about yourself and get another step closer to your goal.
You should take comfort in the reception you have had on the forum, people are often not as horrible as we imagine them to be but when you are too scared of the potential bad egg you reduce your opportunities of meeting the nice genuine people out there :)
Might sound cliche, but Facebook is a good place to be for this. Gives you the chance to interact with others at your own pace. You can sit on the sidelines and watch others conversations if you like, and make the odd comment when you see fit.You might start re-building those bridges with some.
sorry i dont agree i think facebook is evil i had loads of freinds on fb but when i was down and put i might kill myself they wrote back do it or stop being childish or give yr head a wobble. i got bullied bad on fb so came off to site in may
I know how you feel, this is like my life, except i have no job! i always think when ive had to go out with my b.f for social situations that im clingy and im a bore b.c i just had nothing, and i mean nothing to talk about! so, i always think people judge me as being 'the boring one with no job', which puts me on a real downer and then i just want to hide away, i feel more of a freak every day, its horrible
Might sound cliche, but Facebook is a good place to be for this. Gives you the chance to interact with others at your own pace. You can sit on the sidelines and watch others conversations if you like, and make the odd comment when you see fit.You might start re-building those bridges with some.
Facebook is a funny one really! I think it has both the potential to be both productive and counter productive depending on each person.
Its worked both ways for me, but I am a very introverted person and I do find sometimes I spend way to much time on the site and this really does not help my situation as I internalize all this random information about people. Nothing I find stranger then bumping into someone you don't know that well, but have as a facebook friend and then judging them more then you ever would have had you not checked out there page and conversations.
Overall, the people whom I believe spend the least amount of time on facebook are actually more confident and fulfilled as a person then those who spend many hours everyday on there. NOTHING can really fully replicate the experience two or more people have together face to face, least of all facebook. I think facebook makes me LESS confident and MORE internal and within myself.
All the information I take in on facebook looking at people on there just becomes something like a weird creepy and self-obsessive nightmare to me. I guess the main issue is that I look on facebook to much, but still don't interact with others. It just magnifies my lack of sociability. For me, and perhaps a lot of people with social anxiety and such issues, facebook just makes things worse and even more of a creature of habit who tucks themselves away from the world. Get off facebook for good and get out there I say :D
In the right doses though still, Im sure it could help us to socialize but I think it is more efficient to work on real human contact with new people.
---------- Post added at 19:30 ---------- Previous post was at 19:22 ----------
Yeah especially if you don't. I left school and left all my friends. I have my boyfriend and thats it. I dont socialise outside work even though i get on with people. all people do is drink and im not a drinker.
i feel awkward sometimes think ill say the wrong thing or people will judge me. or they'll know i have no friends.
i'm 23. i find it hard to talk to people about me so they dont understand my insercurities, sometimes i wonder if i using all that as an exscues
Its funny, I do noticed a few of us "have no friends" and yet we still have partners in our lives. It makes me wonder more as to whether we really do gravitate towards lifestyles that give us the most comfort. I have a partner too who gives me a lot of comfort but doesn't understand how I feel around people. I love him, but it makes me wonder whether trying to get out of the couple-y comfort zone we have might make me more adventurous, and maybe I would not rely on him so much thus meaning more confidence! I think I use him to much as a crutch within social situations so I don't have to interact with people because he does it for me if that makes sense?
I also live at home with my parents, I really could not be a bigger comfort zone but it is where I feel sane, but in return I am unfulfilled and depressed and lacking a real passion for people and life.
---------- Post added at 19:31 ---------- Previous post was at 19:30 ----------
hi :)
I really sympathise with you guys, as I have a similar experience I once had a good social life that now is a distant memory, but socialising is a skill it takes time to learn and practice to maintain like any other skill and if you stop for a while you can lose confidence and it takes time to rebuild that. If you were to stop driving for a long time and then decide to head out onto the motorway or a big city you would likely feel similarly overwhelmed. The common mistake i made as like many others I thought it was best to wait until i felt more confident before I tried to make things better but thats completely backwards! You have to succeed to become confident and learn not to be so harsh on yourself about any failures, once you push your comfort zone and succeed you'll find that soon you'll become more confident, the trick is finding the right challenge that is big enough to feel like an achievement but not too big to be unrealistic about what you feel able to cope with.
None of this is a perfect science, it takes some trial and error so be prepared to take a few knocks, but each time you will learn something new about yourself and get another step closer to your goal.
You should take comfort in the reception you have had on the forum, people are often not as horrible as we imagine them to be but when you are too scared of the potential bad egg you reduce your opportunities of meeting the nice genuine people out there :)
Great post! I really enjoyed reading that and it made me feel more positive :)
theharvestmouse
04-07-12, 22:57
I think there are some really interesting comments on here. I think Connor is so right about the confidence thing. Sometimes you have to break through and just take a leap of faith, because otherwise nothing will change. You only gain confidence from trying to do things, and at least if you try then you will be making a positive step.
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