dannibear94
10-05-12, 02:38
Hi, just thought I'd share my story as I feel extremely low tonight and it has reduced me to tears. Ok so Im 18, my anxiety started 2 years ago when I left school after a distant relative died suddenly after being wrongly diagnosed. Anyway ever since I have developed an extreme phobia of death. When I say extreme I mean extreme! To the point where sometimes Ive been scared to sleep incase I die suddenly etc. I can control my anxiety for only so long then I will have racing thoughts about what if I have a serious illness or what if I suddenly died its terrible I just can't justify how amazing life is and then getting nothing out of it at the end. For the past couple of months I was doing the best I ever had in the past 2 years. I took up an exercise regime and began eating healthily, I felt really good about myself, then all of a sudden I had this racing thought that I have something seriously wrong with my heart due to palpitations Ive been having everyday for the last week or so. I just feel as though I have nothing left in me anymore, I have no real friends, I can't get myself a job because I have no customer service experience, Im struggling to keep up at college, I have a family who doesn't understand anxiety and say it'll be ok it'll be ok, well apart from my sister who I am close to as she has suffered depression but i don't know I just feel so low right now my chest is throbbing because for the past week I have been so tense. I refuse to see a doctor well because what can they do for me? Give me some happy pills and everything will be ok? Well it won't be ok because thats ok for now but what about in the long run? I just feel there is no end in sight for this at all. No matter how much I try to get away from my health fears, they'll always come back, more less every tv show these day somebody has a serious illness or somebody is murdered. Ugh it doesn't help that Ive been emotionally scared from my brother having cancer twice (fully recovered now though) Ive seen a lot of stuff young kids should never see. Im sick of feeling this way I just feel as though I have nobody or nothing to look forward to constantly thinking negatively and what if ALL THE FRICKEN TIME! I am young, healthy I exercise daily I don't smoke I don't really drink alcohol regularly. But I have grown up in a society which revolves around health, illness crime etc its so gruelling feeling this day to the point of exhaustion. Everytime I pick myself up I come crashing back down 10x as hard. I constantly feel on edge which makes my heart race most of the day. I wish I could beat this fear once and for all, Ive tried to be strong but all these set backs are getting to me and its changed me as a person, one thing I have learnt from having anxiety is that I am never alone though, I just want to get back to that feeling of 'normality' I think personally having a mental condition is probably sometimes worse than having a physical illness because there is no magic cure, only you can get yourself through it and even when you do theres no guarantee you will overcome it 100% :( Im sorry for this extremely long rant all I can say is that I totally sympathise with every single person who suffers anxiety, panic or depression and that if you have never experienced it then you will never understand. I guess time and mental stability are our only healers. :weep: I just want to feel better! I hope you all are on your way to a better state of mind also. Very much love - Danielle