View Full Version : I think I've found the core of my problem?
Hi all, for the last couple of weeks I've noticed that when I am emotionally or physically exhausted - which I've noticed more now that I have started getting out more and exercising - I get a kind of burned out feeling in my brain, as if chemicals have been extinguished. I did notice this when my illness was at its worst in early 2009, and if I think about it, I have had this feeling on occasion throughout my life, always during a very tough time or emotional low point.
My CBT training has kicked in and I have been challenging this feeling over the last week. It is very painful and frightening, and I practically go into a blip every time I think about it, but I am actually glad because I now have an ultimate target to bring down. And this is an ultimate target: it seems to be the actual core of my fear. It's hard to describe: it's like a burned out, extinguished feeling, which destroys motivation and creates feelings of worthlessness and depression, and brings along with it a dose of utter fear.
I'm having CBT on Sunday and hope to make sense of this soon so I can fight back. I think that I will recover once I have beaten this horrible feeling, so here's hoping. Does anyone else get this feeling?
Yes :) I think we are both making progress in better defining what hits us when we have our problem patches. However I don't know if you are the same, but CBT and analysis can't always seem to pin down that "that feeling" that comes along, sometimes with no reason.
For me it's a vague, shadowy enemy that feels like it has its roots quite deep in me. The more I chase after it, the deeper it all gets and the harder it is to handle. I've never quite known then whether this is the "true fear" that underpins my problems or not.
Like you I have considered whether this is a chemical thing at heart (or caused by a combination of random factors, tiredness, diet, sleep quality) and therefore all the mental worries are the effect, not the cause.
With that in mind, in the last few dips I have taken a different tack. I have assumed it is simply a physically rooted bad patch making me feel a little out of sorts. Rather than fight it, I've just accepted it's OK (and more importantly, NORMAL) to feel this way from time to time. This seems to mitigate 99% of the damage because the mindset is not running from it - you shake it by the hand, smile and invite it in for tea.
I have found this to be more effective than direct CBT/analysis because I think in my case these blips do not have valid reasons or causes anymore, this far into my recovery. CBT etc was very effective at the beginning for the stuff that could be written on paper - thought and believe related stuff which could be reasoned out of the water.
But this feeling we get, seems to just happen. I do reckon it's biological. It was interesting the direct and tangible effect Mirtazapine had on me last year, which in my case would suggest a chemical issue somewhere.
However I do believe things are not as simple as this and often we carry multiple issues each of which require different approaches, also I must stress this is just a personal experience, I'm not recommending any particular approach.
It's hard to describe: it's like a burned out, extinguished feeling, which destroys motivation and creates feelings of worthlessness and depression, and brings along with it a dose of utter fear.
Ive had this feeling many times. very scary.. i have to go distract myself before i get too drawn into the feelings.......
theharvestmouse
10-05-12, 21:25
I get the same feeling, weird, I have been trying to overcome it by positive thinking.
Vanilla Sky
10-05-12, 22:36
I wish you well xx
xhyperyogix
10-05-12, 22:38
i can relate! i have been doing some thinking recently and considering that my brain is totally greedy and uses up all its serotonin or whatever all in one go making me all happy which then results in subsequrnt crashes (like now lol) when there is none left. if it could just moderate it, hmmmmm. so anyway, yeah nature or nurture, probably some of both!! x
i can relate! i have been doing some thinking recently and considering that my brain is totally greedy and uses up all its serotonin or whatever all in one go making me all happy which then results in subsequrnt crashes (like now lol) when there is none left. if it could just moderate it, hmmmmm. so anyway, yeah nature or nurture, probably some of both!! x
I like that a lot! A greedy brain. Like my stupid brother who steals all my alcohol, but a brain stealing all my serotonin. heehee.
xhyperyogix
10-05-12, 22:47
it eats all the chocolate too.......
it eats all the chocolate too.......
:O get a new brain i would.
It's hard to describe: it's like a burned out, extinguished feeling, which destroys motivation and creates feelings of worthlessness and depression, and brings along with it a dose of utter fear.
Yes, I have the same only I can't get past it. My CBT has been postponed for now.
Anxious_gal
11-05-12, 14:07
For me watching movies or tv shows seems to help when I get that worthless depressed feeling.
I go to bed early n pop on a few DVDs, it helps me relax n escape reality I guess.
Going for a walk helps too if I have the energy.
I often ... well, let's face it, USUALLY seek to escape. Is that good?
Well at least you may have found the core! that's the key to getting better isn't it ? :)
For me, I always wondered why I was so anxious. I could never place it and I would just say to people I have no idea why it's this way. It wasn't until I realized it was ocd that was making me feel this way have my anxiety levels dropped immensely. It was like all the sudden I realized I'm anxious because of pure-o thoughts...It was liberating to know what was causing the anxiety.
I hope you get to the bottom of this. Good luck xx
Wow, thanks for all the replies ladies and gents! Looks like these threads are tapping a vein for people.
Thank you all for the encouragement. I notice that Ingenious and I seem to be on the same level about most things; very interesting that two different people with similar issues reach the same conclusions seperately. As a forum, we seem to touch on things that even therapists aren't aware of. Monkia, some people apparently do recovery when they realise what is wrong, because knowledge is power. We are mostly scared of what we don't know.
As for this part of my mind, I call it the "Black Storm" because I visualise it as a roiling black cloud with purple lightning and also, for some reason, purple tentacles (I won't be reading any more Lovecraft for a while!). To touch it and bring it into focus exercises mental muscles I rarely use, and it evokes such pangs of fear and depression that I need help from my therapist to beat it, but I have found the part of my brain where the depression lives - the part that sends out demoralising and negative thoughts and feelings - now I need to develop the tools to heal this part, and repair wounds that have grown over the past 33 years.
As a forum, we seem to touch on things that even therapists aren't aware of. Monkia, some people apparently do recovery when they realise what is wrong, because knowledge is power. We are mostly scared of what we don't know.
As for this part of my mind, I call it the "Black Storm" because I visualise it as a roiling black cloud with purple lightning and also, for some reason, purple tentacles (I won't be reading any more Lovecraft for a while!). To touch it and bring it into focus exercises mental muscles I rarely use, and it evokes such pangs of fear and depression that I need help from my therapist to beat it, but I have found the part of my brain where the depression lives - the part that sends out demoralising and negative thoughts and feelings - now I need to develop the tools to heal this part, and repair wounds that have grown over the past 33 years.
I agree about the therapist thing. Sometimes I feel I know more about anxiety and ocd then they do, and then I remember they have not actually experienced it!
This is why I believe we need more ex-sufferers helping instead of a lot of these know it all's with PhD's. I'm not saying all therapists are useless, but a lot of the times they just really CANNOT relate! They know all the symptoms like reading out of a textbook but they don't get the nature of them.
And a visualization I use sometimes that I was recommneded to use was to invision putting all my negative thoughts into a waste bin in my mind and then setting it on fire or something lol. literally getting rid of them from my brain. I find it worked.
xx
:O get a new brain i would.
ooh I might get a brand new one too, where do you think they sell them?:)
I want a nice calm one please ....
theharvestmouse
12-05-12, 22:28
I spend so much time thinking about the past, I think about happy times gone by.
I agree with all of you.... When I find myself over tired or over sensitized boom there is my anxiety! It's good recognize the triggers but then try not to be scared of them is another thing!!!
My therapist is awesome. When I walked in today she just looked stunned, because the difference in me since we last spoke nearly a month ago is so great. We discussed how much work I've undertaken to rebuild my life, and she was very pleased I was able to describe the core of my problem as a "black storm". She said I've come some way towards shaking off the lingering traces of depression and we have agreed that I am no longer denying the role depression has played not just in my illness, but in my life.
There are a number of fits and starts in recovery, but this should prove how drastically you can fight back against anxiety and depression, and that you must never give up, no matter how many times you seem to blip or relapse.
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