Relationship Anxiety!

[NaomiMay93]

Hi

Basically, I am currently in University and I met my boyfriend there; we've been an item for roughly 6 months. We were good friends before we got together, too.

He is honestly wonderful! He listens to me, makes me laugh, we always have something to talk about, he compliments me and we're best friends as well as a couple which is great! We're very good together and get on very, very well; we just 'click' and I've never ever been able to really be myself with anyone in my whole life.

I have always suffered from nerves and anxiety - my mind is so over-active! For example, when I was 14, I got my first "boyfriend" but had to end it after one week because I got that nervous that I couldn't hold down any food and was constantly throwing up.
Recently, I had a complete freak-out, worrying I might have caught an STI from an ex partner (for no good reason, but my mind wouldn't stay quiet until I got tested and found out I was fine). Since then, I felt myself pull away from him from the fear of giving him something. I haven't seemed to be able to snap out of this.

We haven't said 'I love you' yet, which I like because there is less pressure and we can just enjoy it. Sometimes I will have really intense feelings where I think I love him etc.
But then other times, I am completely over-taken by anxiety :/ it's driving me insane!! I will obsess over whether he is 'the one' and freak myself out. Then I start questioning and doubting everything and I'm full of 'what ifs?'. It's ridiculous because for the first time in my life I am with a person who treats me right and makes me feel special. I wake up and I feel sick, then I panic and want to cry. I've no idea what's wrong with me.
I know that I would be miserable without him, and generally, I can't bear the thought of not having him in my life. I don't want this to end AT ALL, but my anxiety is distorting my thoughts and messing with me.

Additional info: I've always had very low self-esteem, I obsess about my looks and my weight especially; I was bullied very severely at school which sticks with me immensely; I have had very bad relationships before and my current one is my first 'mature' relationship; we are moving into a house together with our friends for our next year at uni; he wants to go to abroad for his 3rd year at uni which I hate the idea of.

Sorry it's long, but please please help me!

[Beckybooboo]

Hi,

Firstly, I'm very sorry to hear about what you're experiencing at the moment. I know how you feel because I'm obsessive about a lot of things and my relationship is one of them.

I too, like many other people on this website suffer from obsessive thoughts and anxiety. The dreaded "what-ifs?" begin to take over your normal, every day life leaving you questioning pretty much everything you do and say. It's a horrible place to be in.

The thing you need to remember, is what came first, the thought or the anxiety? If the thought came first, then it's a created thought thus followed by anxiety, causing you to panic and to doubt yourself. Next time a particular thought arises, try and rationalize the thought by thinking "is this really that bad? I know the truth, you're just trying to trick me - I don't mind you being there but I have other things to focus on."

I know how you feel about the low self-esteem issues because I too suffer from them, thus causing extreme anxiety and self questioning. They're horrible. I suggest for the next 30 days writing down a thing that you appreciate about yourself, no matter how difficult it may be to do so and keeping it on you for the future. Look at it this way, the bullies may have emotionally scarred you, but who's at university? Who's got a perfect relationship? Who's striving for something in their future? YOU ARE.

I wouldn't suggest ending your relationship whilst anxiety and obsessive thoughts are playing games with you. It's not going to benefit you or him at all and if anything you'll live to regret a hasty decision. Maybe you should try and speak to him about it, allow him to understand how you're feeling and be totally honest about your past. If he loves you and respects you, then he'll understand and be able to provide more support, thus leaving you feeling complete and not alone.

You'll do absolutely fine - I have a blog you can look into if you're interested which helps with anxiety and relationships, etc. www.beckybowerenspiller.wordpress.com

Take care, if you need anything else then PM me.
Becky

[NaomiMay93]

Thank you so much for your advice. I think a big issue with me is that I feel like people don't understand and just think I'm weird. There are other obsessive thoughts I've had that I haven't put on here.
I'm considering going to a counsellor.

I don't want to end it with my boyfriend, I know I'd regret it and I'd hate myself for it. But at the minute, my anxiety seems to be telling me that it's the only way to escape how I'm feeling - but I don't want it to beat me!

Youe blog is brilliant, inspirational - thank you. :) x

[Beckybooboo]

Hi,

That's no problem at all - that's why I'm here. Oh gosh, I used to suffer from this fear also, but it's all about talking to people who genuinely will provide an interest in understanding. Don't fear that people will think you're weird, who cares what strangers think?! As long as your close people understand you and are there for you, nothing else matters.

I think seeking therapy for these thoughts would be a good thing to do. I'm going for my consultation on Thursday for my CBT but have had to go private as the waiting list for the NHS has proved too long for me to wait - I've been like this since January.

Don't listen to your anxiety, as hard as that seems. Challenge the thought - think to yourself "oh, so you're here again. Nice to see you, I'm going to focus on XYZ and you can stay there but I'm busy, ok?" you really just need to let them do what they need to do and stay there, but do not react to them.

Thank you very much - it's still in working progress but I get a kick out of helping other people, hence the idea of starting this blog.

I hope you're okay - if you need anything else then get in touch.

All the best,
Becky