stuart88
15-05-12, 05:46
Sorry for adding a bunch of depressing material to the forums, but I feel like I've got literally no-one to talk to about any of my troubles, and all I want to do is vent. I'm just gonna rant incoherently for the next couple of minutes. I might not even submit this post, as I feel that just getting the words out onto the page will take some of the weight from off my shoulders. I'll see though.
If you were to go through my posting history on NMP, then you'd find it pretty obvious that I suffer from some pretty major mental issues. To name a few, I've got SA, HA, BDD, MDD etc etc. I would imagine that most of my problems stem from a singular issue, but I'll be damned if I know what that is. TBQH, I've always been a worrier - for as long as I can remember anyway - and it wouldn't surprise my if my general anxiety was just an inherent part of my being - an intrinsic facet of my personality. Like many of the members of this forum, I've spent large portions of life completely consumed with the notion that I suffer from some terminal disease, and that my expiry date is imminent. Again, like most here, I've been proven wrong by time. Thankfully, over time my HA has dissipated somewhat; unfortunately, it's only disappeared to be replaced by another set of worries - a set of worries and anxieties that are more debilitating, and harmful, than I've been used to.
I was always an underachiever at school. To general message in all my school reports was: "Extremely bright lad that's unwilling to put in the required effort". I would rather sit on my Playstation, oblivious to the world, than do any sort of studying. As a result, I came out of school with grades that - whilst satisfactory in a lot of peoples' eyes - were way below what I could, and should, achieve. Anyway, I spent the next years completely dilly-dallying. I had no idea what I wanted to do, so ended up working a dead-end job while going in and out of college and studying various different courses - none of which sparked interest from me in the slightest. I suffered from HA mainly at this point, but it wasn't that severe up until I left my job. Right before I parted ways with my employers, my Leukemia scare had begun. It wasn't too bad at the time, as work refocused me, so I didn't have enough time to dwell on it. When I became housebound though, my HA really took hold. The next year and a half consisted of me being a total recluse and suffering every terminal disease known to man - OK, that's an exaggeration, but you know what I mean.
Luckily for me, I met my current GF, and the happiness that came with that pulled me right back up from the depths of anxiety and depression. I don't even want to think about where I'd be right now if I hadn't met her, or if I'd even be at all. Anyway, my HA subsided almost immediately, and for a couple of months I was worry free. It was at this point I was able to think clearly about I wanted in life. So, I applied to college to study an 'Access to Psychology' course, and set about getting myself the career I desired. I wasn't by any means perfect, as my BDD was still there, and always had been, but I was in a good place, for me.
The course was a real struggle for me. The work was easy, but the social aspect, and summoning up the motivation to attend every day, I found really, really difficult. I got through it though, and God knows how, but I managed to get accepted to the University of Edinburgh (an extremely good uni), to study Psychology. The sense of relief, happiness and achievement I felt when getting my acceptance letter was like nothing I'd ever felt before. It inspired me with hope, as corny as it sounds. Unfortunately for me, this is where the happiness ended, and things have deteriorated unimaginably since then.
I had always been a bit crap socially. I mean, I can socialise with big groups, but sometimes it's really hard work and leaves me mentally exhausted after a full day/night - I'm sure many can relate. Well, over the summer holidays, my GF had asked me to go on holiday with her, with 14 of her friends, of which I had only met 2-3 fleetingly. This was a bit of a catch 22 for me. On the one hand, I'd be too insecure to let my GF go away for a party week with 14 of her friends. In the cold light of day I certainly trust her, but when my mind's working overtime, it's very easy to start worrying. On the other hand, I would be forced into a week of interaction at all points of the day. There would be no avoiding people, and I would get no alone time - of the innocent kind, before any of you make any jokes ;). I chose to go on the holiday, as I'd been feeling in a pretty good place since my acceptance. One of the issues with my holiday though, was that I'd have to miss my uni induction and all of freshers' week.
So the holiday started off OK for the first couple of days. I found it easy to integrate with her friends, and just put on a brave face if I was feeling at all overwhelmed by things. Later on though, I couldn't keep up the facade. I wasn't acting myself, and I knew they could tell. Pretty sure they started to think I was weird, and I claimed I had sunstroke on a couple of days so I could just avoid everyone. I know it doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but by the time I got back from the holiday, I felt AWFUL. I felt so humiliated and embarrassed, as I knew everyone from the holiday would've had a negative opinion of me. I started uni in a terrible mindset, and was majorly stressed because I had missed my induction. My BDD kicked in completely, and I wasn't able to socialise or meet anyone new because of that, and my SA. I would go to lectures but focus on absolutely nothing of what the lecturer was saying. I would be too absorbed in my thoughts about other people judging me. Eventually, I had to stop attending lectures, tutorials, and have become housebound. I've missed 80% of my exams. I was actually planning on attending them, but had panic attacks before 2 consecutive ones, and haven't been able to face the rest. Being the idiot I am, I've tried to completely ignore the problem, and told my GF or my parents nothing. They think everything's fine, but in truth, I've just utterly destroyed my life. It's so ****ing soul destroying. I put so much effort into getting to uni. I know it was only one year, but the crap I had to go through in order to get to that point wasn't easy. I have no idea what to do now. No idea. I've been to my doctor throughout the year, and she's given me medication and stuff, but it's done nothing really. It's not like it even matters though, as I've completely ruined my potential career.
So basically, I'm now a recluse that will only go out if I'm going to see my GF. I'm living a lie - she thinks uni's going swimmingly, while in reality I've probably been kicked out. I've got massive social issues, self-image issues etc etc. Basically, I hate myself, and my life. Thanks for reading if you got this far.
****...
If you were to go through my posting history on NMP, then you'd find it pretty obvious that I suffer from some pretty major mental issues. To name a few, I've got SA, HA, BDD, MDD etc etc. I would imagine that most of my problems stem from a singular issue, but I'll be damned if I know what that is. TBQH, I've always been a worrier - for as long as I can remember anyway - and it wouldn't surprise my if my general anxiety was just an inherent part of my being - an intrinsic facet of my personality. Like many of the members of this forum, I've spent large portions of life completely consumed with the notion that I suffer from some terminal disease, and that my expiry date is imminent. Again, like most here, I've been proven wrong by time. Thankfully, over time my HA has dissipated somewhat; unfortunately, it's only disappeared to be replaced by another set of worries - a set of worries and anxieties that are more debilitating, and harmful, than I've been used to.
I was always an underachiever at school. To general message in all my school reports was: "Extremely bright lad that's unwilling to put in the required effort". I would rather sit on my Playstation, oblivious to the world, than do any sort of studying. As a result, I came out of school with grades that - whilst satisfactory in a lot of peoples' eyes - were way below what I could, and should, achieve. Anyway, I spent the next years completely dilly-dallying. I had no idea what I wanted to do, so ended up working a dead-end job while going in and out of college and studying various different courses - none of which sparked interest from me in the slightest. I suffered from HA mainly at this point, but it wasn't that severe up until I left my job. Right before I parted ways with my employers, my Leukemia scare had begun. It wasn't too bad at the time, as work refocused me, so I didn't have enough time to dwell on it. When I became housebound though, my HA really took hold. The next year and a half consisted of me being a total recluse and suffering every terminal disease known to man - OK, that's an exaggeration, but you know what I mean.
Luckily for me, I met my current GF, and the happiness that came with that pulled me right back up from the depths of anxiety and depression. I don't even want to think about where I'd be right now if I hadn't met her, or if I'd even be at all. Anyway, my HA subsided almost immediately, and for a couple of months I was worry free. It was at this point I was able to think clearly about I wanted in life. So, I applied to college to study an 'Access to Psychology' course, and set about getting myself the career I desired. I wasn't by any means perfect, as my BDD was still there, and always had been, but I was in a good place, for me.
The course was a real struggle for me. The work was easy, but the social aspect, and summoning up the motivation to attend every day, I found really, really difficult. I got through it though, and God knows how, but I managed to get accepted to the University of Edinburgh (an extremely good uni), to study Psychology. The sense of relief, happiness and achievement I felt when getting my acceptance letter was like nothing I'd ever felt before. It inspired me with hope, as corny as it sounds. Unfortunately for me, this is where the happiness ended, and things have deteriorated unimaginably since then.
I had always been a bit crap socially. I mean, I can socialise with big groups, but sometimes it's really hard work and leaves me mentally exhausted after a full day/night - I'm sure many can relate. Well, over the summer holidays, my GF had asked me to go on holiday with her, with 14 of her friends, of which I had only met 2-3 fleetingly. This was a bit of a catch 22 for me. On the one hand, I'd be too insecure to let my GF go away for a party week with 14 of her friends. In the cold light of day I certainly trust her, but when my mind's working overtime, it's very easy to start worrying. On the other hand, I would be forced into a week of interaction at all points of the day. There would be no avoiding people, and I would get no alone time - of the innocent kind, before any of you make any jokes ;). I chose to go on the holiday, as I'd been feeling in a pretty good place since my acceptance. One of the issues with my holiday though, was that I'd have to miss my uni induction and all of freshers' week.
So the holiday started off OK for the first couple of days. I found it easy to integrate with her friends, and just put on a brave face if I was feeling at all overwhelmed by things. Later on though, I couldn't keep up the facade. I wasn't acting myself, and I knew they could tell. Pretty sure they started to think I was weird, and I claimed I had sunstroke on a couple of days so I could just avoid everyone. I know it doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but by the time I got back from the holiday, I felt AWFUL. I felt so humiliated and embarrassed, as I knew everyone from the holiday would've had a negative opinion of me. I started uni in a terrible mindset, and was majorly stressed because I had missed my induction. My BDD kicked in completely, and I wasn't able to socialise or meet anyone new because of that, and my SA. I would go to lectures but focus on absolutely nothing of what the lecturer was saying. I would be too absorbed in my thoughts about other people judging me. Eventually, I had to stop attending lectures, tutorials, and have become housebound. I've missed 80% of my exams. I was actually planning on attending them, but had panic attacks before 2 consecutive ones, and haven't been able to face the rest. Being the idiot I am, I've tried to completely ignore the problem, and told my GF or my parents nothing. They think everything's fine, but in truth, I've just utterly destroyed my life. It's so ****ing soul destroying. I put so much effort into getting to uni. I know it was only one year, but the crap I had to go through in order to get to that point wasn't easy. I have no idea what to do now. No idea. I've been to my doctor throughout the year, and she's given me medication and stuff, but it's done nothing really. It's not like it even matters though, as I've completely ruined my potential career.
So basically, I'm now a recluse that will only go out if I'm going to see my GF. I'm living a lie - she thinks uni's going swimmingly, while in reality I've probably been kicked out. I've got massive social issues, self-image issues etc etc. Basically, I hate myself, and my life. Thanks for reading if you got this far.
****...