hello2345
15-05-12, 21:50
When my Anxiety was the worst I heavily relied on others success stories to give me hope. Its important to remember that the only reason there aren't more success stories on here is because most people are so ready to move on with their lives as soon as they're feeling better, many forget to come back and share their stories. But I wanted to share my story and hopefully give some others some hope.
I am 19 years old and I've had occasional panic attacks for the past 3 years, usually only during car accidents/breakups or other traumatic events. My symptoms were usually rapid heartbeat, hyperventilation, and dizziness that lasted 10-30 minutes. This happened rarely and was pretty manageable for the first few years.
In January of 2012 I started treating my migraine headaches with pot brownies. One day I accidentally ate too much and was so high I was hallucinating, this scared me so much it induced a panic attack. A few hours later I was feeling normal again. A couple weeks later I got a headache and again ate a very small amount of brownies but for some reason it made me hallucinate again. Once again, this scared me and triggered a panic attack.
A couple days later I was sober and my boyfriend told me a scary story. I started getting extremely scared and finally my vision was disturbed. I was seeing things in frames for a few seconds. I didn't know what the **** was going on since I was sober: I was so afraid I was going crazy. This time my panic attack that lasted 24 hours. I went to the doctors and they were no ****ing help at all, they told me to take deep breaths (which did nothing for me). It wasn't until 3 weeks later that I found out my apartment was infested with toxic mold. When I started having a panic attack from being scared, it raised my blood pressure which concentrating the toxic mold into my brain which can actually induce visual disturbances or hallucinations.
After that first 24 hour panic attack it was all downhill from there. I slept well that night but woke to another panic attack in the morning. This time it lasted well over 3 days. My symptoms were getting worse and more diversified. For the next month my anxiety was so bad I couldn't leave my room except to go to the doctors office and the bathroom. I was throwing up every morning and every night, I could barely force myself to eat 500 calories a day, (I lost over 25 pounds), my pulse was around 120 beats per minute almost all the time, my chest felt tight, I could feel a lump in my throat that made it hard to swallow, I felt EXTREMELY dizzy like the room was always spinning, I felt a falling sensation often, ringing in my ears, I startled extremely easily, frequent urination, diarrhea, numbness and tingling in my limbs, constant nausea, seeing flashes when I closed my eyes, blurry vision, sensitivity to light, my depth perception felt wrong, and I had extreme sensitivity to motion.
Not only did I experience all these physical symptoms, but at night I could barely sleep more than a few hours without waking from an extremely vivid, graphic, terrifying nightmare. My mind was always racing. I thought I might be going crazy, I was afraid that I was abducted by aliens, was possessed, that I was in a coma and this was all just a dream, or that I had already died. All I could do was watch funny TV shows and distract myself as much as possible. I read online a few techniques to think better thoughts and started implementing them. I wore a rubber band around my wrist and snapped it whenever I had an irrational thought. I told myself to think better thoughts and would repeat positive mantras to myself (for example: you are sane, you will be healthy again, you will feel normal again, anxiety is the only thing wrong with you, etc). If you do this, remember to only use positively worded statements. The brain doesn't understand negatives, so if you repeat "I wont kill myself" over and over your brain hears "I will kill myself". Instead, say something like "I will live a long healthy life".
I started seeing a naturopathic doctor who put me on lots of supplements to rebuild and strengthen my adrenal glands and thyroid (anxiety can be partially caused by an overactive thyroid or adrenal burnout). After a few weeks of this I started feeling slightly better. My heartbeat lowered to about 90bpm except in the morning, I was only throwing up once a day and was able to eat 800-1000 calories a day. I was still unable to work or leave the house except to walk around the block or go to the doctors. A couple weeks later I started seeing a family practice doctor because I wanted to be put on beta blockers. My blood pressure was too low and I was too underweight to be a good candidate, but she convinced me to try a low dose SSRI, Citalopram to be exact. I was VERY hesitant to try this. I didn't want to become an emotionless zombie, for some reason I thought this would happen, but I had been bedridden for 1 1/2 months and was willing to try anything at this point.
She started me off at 5mg. The first week I saw no difference, had some leg zaps after my walks around the block, but that's all. The second week was ABSOLUTE HELL. My anxiety shot through the roof. My heartbeat was back up at 120, my entire body felt achy and weird, my legs would go numb suddenly, I got terrible headaches, I could barely sleep and had awful nightmares, my mind was constantly racing, I experienced depersonalization so bad I couldn't look in a mirror because it didn't feel like myself, I felt extremely bad derealization, I thought I was going insane, I was nauseous all the time and vomiting multiple times a day, could barely eat 300 calories a day, had extremely bad vertigo and tunnel vision, constant dizziness, pounding heartbeat and tightness of the chest. I was watching a tv show where a character admitted to killing someone and became terrified that I was going to wake up one morning a deranged serial killer. I fought the thoughts with my mantras (I am a good, sane and innately healthy person. I will feel normal again. Anxiety is the only thing wrong with me and I will fully recover from all my symptoms). This was the hardest week of my life, but I fought through. I spent all my time doing healing meditations I found on fragrantheart.com, forcing myself to eat, distracting myself with funny tv shows (scrubs and gilmore girls) and trying to get in 20 minutes of walking or biking a day.
By the 3rd week of Citalopram I started feeling slightly better. Each day was barely better than the day before. I stopped vomiting, got a little bit of my appetite back and even felt good enough to hangout with my friends a little. Little by little I started feeling better. Each day I could look in the mirror for a few more seconds and recognize myself. Each day I slept a little better and my dreams were slightly less disturbing. My dizziness slowly decreased until one day I woke up and it was gone. I stopped having vertigo unless I let myself get worked up about something. My heartbeat slowly lowered to 80bpm. I started having regular bowel movements again. I was able to eat 1500 calories a day.
During week 4 my doctor upped my dosage to 10mg. I had a headache for the first week. I kept feeling slightly better every day.
By week 5 and I was feeling almost completely normal again! I was sleeping 6-10 hours a night, having mostly good dreams, eating 2000 calories a day, able to look in the mirror and recognize myself, not having any unwanted or irrational thoughts, and all around feeling very normal. I noticed my anxiety would creep back up a little bit if I didn't eat regularly or sleep enough, but it was definitely manageable. I started seeing a psychotherapist and have been working through the emotional issues that caused the anxiety (repressed anger seems to be the cause of mine. It was partially triggered by the pot, but this period of anxiety would have happened anyway eventually).
Its now been 7 weeks on Citalopram, 3 months since my Panic Disorder started and I finally have my life back. I am working again, able to hangout with friends and go to school again. I'm eating 2000 calories a day and haven't had a panic attack in over 2 weeks. I'm so happy I stuck with Citalopram even though the second week was absolute hell.
I hope this gives other people who suffer from anxiety and panic disorder hope. You ARE going to be okay, you are going to feel normal again, you are NOT going crazy, and you will get your life back. I can't tell you how many times I thought about killing myself when my anxiety was the worst, I knew I couldn't live feeling like this all the time, but I'm here to tell you that IT WILL END and you will feel normal again, I promise. I am so glad that I stayed on Citalopram and that I didn't give in and end my life. Some days it feels so far away, but you just have to keep hope and keep thinking good thoughts. Visualize yourself being healthy and living a normal life, and keep telling yourself that you are going to be okay, because you are.
I am 19 years old and I've had occasional panic attacks for the past 3 years, usually only during car accidents/breakups or other traumatic events. My symptoms were usually rapid heartbeat, hyperventilation, and dizziness that lasted 10-30 minutes. This happened rarely and was pretty manageable for the first few years.
In January of 2012 I started treating my migraine headaches with pot brownies. One day I accidentally ate too much and was so high I was hallucinating, this scared me so much it induced a panic attack. A few hours later I was feeling normal again. A couple weeks later I got a headache and again ate a very small amount of brownies but for some reason it made me hallucinate again. Once again, this scared me and triggered a panic attack.
A couple days later I was sober and my boyfriend told me a scary story. I started getting extremely scared and finally my vision was disturbed. I was seeing things in frames for a few seconds. I didn't know what the **** was going on since I was sober: I was so afraid I was going crazy. This time my panic attack that lasted 24 hours. I went to the doctors and they were no ****ing help at all, they told me to take deep breaths (which did nothing for me). It wasn't until 3 weeks later that I found out my apartment was infested with toxic mold. When I started having a panic attack from being scared, it raised my blood pressure which concentrating the toxic mold into my brain which can actually induce visual disturbances or hallucinations.
After that first 24 hour panic attack it was all downhill from there. I slept well that night but woke to another panic attack in the morning. This time it lasted well over 3 days. My symptoms were getting worse and more diversified. For the next month my anxiety was so bad I couldn't leave my room except to go to the doctors office and the bathroom. I was throwing up every morning and every night, I could barely force myself to eat 500 calories a day, (I lost over 25 pounds), my pulse was around 120 beats per minute almost all the time, my chest felt tight, I could feel a lump in my throat that made it hard to swallow, I felt EXTREMELY dizzy like the room was always spinning, I felt a falling sensation often, ringing in my ears, I startled extremely easily, frequent urination, diarrhea, numbness and tingling in my limbs, constant nausea, seeing flashes when I closed my eyes, blurry vision, sensitivity to light, my depth perception felt wrong, and I had extreme sensitivity to motion.
Not only did I experience all these physical symptoms, but at night I could barely sleep more than a few hours without waking from an extremely vivid, graphic, terrifying nightmare. My mind was always racing. I thought I might be going crazy, I was afraid that I was abducted by aliens, was possessed, that I was in a coma and this was all just a dream, or that I had already died. All I could do was watch funny TV shows and distract myself as much as possible. I read online a few techniques to think better thoughts and started implementing them. I wore a rubber band around my wrist and snapped it whenever I had an irrational thought. I told myself to think better thoughts and would repeat positive mantras to myself (for example: you are sane, you will be healthy again, you will feel normal again, anxiety is the only thing wrong with you, etc). If you do this, remember to only use positively worded statements. The brain doesn't understand negatives, so if you repeat "I wont kill myself" over and over your brain hears "I will kill myself". Instead, say something like "I will live a long healthy life".
I started seeing a naturopathic doctor who put me on lots of supplements to rebuild and strengthen my adrenal glands and thyroid (anxiety can be partially caused by an overactive thyroid or adrenal burnout). After a few weeks of this I started feeling slightly better. My heartbeat lowered to about 90bpm except in the morning, I was only throwing up once a day and was able to eat 800-1000 calories a day. I was still unable to work or leave the house except to walk around the block or go to the doctors. A couple weeks later I started seeing a family practice doctor because I wanted to be put on beta blockers. My blood pressure was too low and I was too underweight to be a good candidate, but she convinced me to try a low dose SSRI, Citalopram to be exact. I was VERY hesitant to try this. I didn't want to become an emotionless zombie, for some reason I thought this would happen, but I had been bedridden for 1 1/2 months and was willing to try anything at this point.
She started me off at 5mg. The first week I saw no difference, had some leg zaps after my walks around the block, but that's all. The second week was ABSOLUTE HELL. My anxiety shot through the roof. My heartbeat was back up at 120, my entire body felt achy and weird, my legs would go numb suddenly, I got terrible headaches, I could barely sleep and had awful nightmares, my mind was constantly racing, I experienced depersonalization so bad I couldn't look in a mirror because it didn't feel like myself, I felt extremely bad derealization, I thought I was going insane, I was nauseous all the time and vomiting multiple times a day, could barely eat 300 calories a day, had extremely bad vertigo and tunnel vision, constant dizziness, pounding heartbeat and tightness of the chest. I was watching a tv show where a character admitted to killing someone and became terrified that I was going to wake up one morning a deranged serial killer. I fought the thoughts with my mantras (I am a good, sane and innately healthy person. I will feel normal again. Anxiety is the only thing wrong with me and I will fully recover from all my symptoms). This was the hardest week of my life, but I fought through. I spent all my time doing healing meditations I found on fragrantheart.com, forcing myself to eat, distracting myself with funny tv shows (scrubs and gilmore girls) and trying to get in 20 minutes of walking or biking a day.
By the 3rd week of Citalopram I started feeling slightly better. Each day was barely better than the day before. I stopped vomiting, got a little bit of my appetite back and even felt good enough to hangout with my friends a little. Little by little I started feeling better. Each day I could look in the mirror for a few more seconds and recognize myself. Each day I slept a little better and my dreams were slightly less disturbing. My dizziness slowly decreased until one day I woke up and it was gone. I stopped having vertigo unless I let myself get worked up about something. My heartbeat slowly lowered to 80bpm. I started having regular bowel movements again. I was able to eat 1500 calories a day.
During week 4 my doctor upped my dosage to 10mg. I had a headache for the first week. I kept feeling slightly better every day.
By week 5 and I was feeling almost completely normal again! I was sleeping 6-10 hours a night, having mostly good dreams, eating 2000 calories a day, able to look in the mirror and recognize myself, not having any unwanted or irrational thoughts, and all around feeling very normal. I noticed my anxiety would creep back up a little bit if I didn't eat regularly or sleep enough, but it was definitely manageable. I started seeing a psychotherapist and have been working through the emotional issues that caused the anxiety (repressed anger seems to be the cause of mine. It was partially triggered by the pot, but this period of anxiety would have happened anyway eventually).
Its now been 7 weeks on Citalopram, 3 months since my Panic Disorder started and I finally have my life back. I am working again, able to hangout with friends and go to school again. I'm eating 2000 calories a day and haven't had a panic attack in over 2 weeks. I'm so happy I stuck with Citalopram even though the second week was absolute hell.
I hope this gives other people who suffer from anxiety and panic disorder hope. You ARE going to be okay, you are going to feel normal again, you are NOT going crazy, and you will get your life back. I can't tell you how many times I thought about killing myself when my anxiety was the worst, I knew I couldn't live feeling like this all the time, but I'm here to tell you that IT WILL END and you will feel normal again, I promise. I am so glad that I stayed on Citalopram and that I didn't give in and end my life. Some days it feels so far away, but you just have to keep hope and keep thinking good thoughts. Visualize yourself being healthy and living a normal life, and keep telling yourself that you are going to be okay, because you are.