Scared and alone

[theory]

I think I am at the point I can't do this alone anymore, I'm scared how bad my feelings are getting. It's never going to get better.

I have had some bad things happen in my life in the last few years. My exhusband abused me and some other family members and I had to go to court over it. My whole life fell completely apart during this time (not that I was ever that together).

There was a special person who was with me through all of this. He had his own struggles and we were supposed to be helping each other. Things got difficult over and over and we kept breaking up, but after the first break up I realized I was not going to be able to live without him and I did whatever it took to keep us together. I just went into full panic mode whenever we were apart, even for a few hours, and it never got better it just got worse and worse and worse the longer it was.

After 3 years it finally blew completely apart. I guess he has moved on and maybe that is the right thing for him, I don't know, I'm really confused about that, but it doesn't even matter because it's not up to me anymore. He won't even talk to me, which makes me feel like this thing that was so huge to me was not really much to him after all.

I knew it would be hard but I didn't know I was not going to be able to recover from it. Every little bit of progress I made while we were together is gone, I'm so sick mentally and physically.

I can't stop crying. I can't stop thinking about him. I was like that even when things were better, I thought about him night and day. He was really the sun my life revolved around. I know it's not normal, but I never knew what to do about it.

It's been months now that our relationship was dying and weeks since the final break, and now I can see it's not getting better. I have children depending on me. All I can think is that they would be so much better off without me. I don't really want to die, but I can't go on like this.

I don't know what to do. I wish I had someone to talk to that understood. I have a doctor appointment in two weeks. Should I go back on my Wellbutrin that I've been off of for 7 months in the meantime? Would it possibly interact with my new bp meds (spironolactone)?

I feel like no one is going to want to talk to someone like me, but if someone would talk to me a bit I would appreciate it. I don't know how to ask for help here and I can't figure it out right now because my brain doesn't seem to be working right.

Thank you if you made it to the end of this post,
Theo

[gem7]

yes i read ever word and i.m sorry to hear that hun if u ever need to talk i will listen i also suffer from depression and i have anxiety i feel i cant go on like this too but u got to try to carry on for your kids i know its hard but your not alone we understand in here :hugs:

[wlizzie]

you should go back to your doctor now, you need some help now not in two weeks, get an appointment and talk things through with the gp.
U can always come on here for company and support but you sound like you need real professional help from someone who knows your background.
Good luck and let us know how you get on .
:hugs:

[theory]

Thank you for your replies. I'm a little better today. My doc appointment is in one week I have realized. Someone got me a hotline number, I'll call it if things get as bad as they did last nite.

[waunder]

I hear you and agree you need help soon. Your relationship did not sound healthy, more co dependent. it can happen with fear like ours. Scared of losing the only one that seems to understand what we need when what we really need is for ourselves to be there. Ourselves to heal the pain and fear. Others cannot do it for us just support us with know ezpectations from them to fix it. I hope you get the strength up again to do this for yourselfand your children.:)

[Pipkin]

Hi there,

You've had some sound advice so I won't add to it - your doctor will point you in the right direction, I'm sure.

I just wanted to say good luck and you will be fine. Things will get better and you've got so much to look forward to, like watching your children grow up and all the things you've yet to do. I know it can feel like you'll never get better but you will, I promise.

Take care

Pip xxx