intrusive thoughts and always scared

[kj238889]

Hi all my names Kirsty and my doctor has told me I'm suffering with OCD and a generalised anxiety disorder, the thing is i'm scared or have been scared of everything and i'm not sure this is the caase i'm just so scared i'm evil :weep:

Thinking about it I think it first started when I was 13 cause I had to do things a certain way and at that time I was very tom boyish and someone asked me if I was gay (I should point out I have no problem in being homosexual) but at that time it scared me to death I was panicing all the time over it, anyway I got over that but then when I was about 14 there was a show on tv that showed a brother and sister getting close sexually and I started to worry that I was attracted to my brother, then it flicked from my brother to my sister!

Then after this I started being scared for my health, I was worried every time I would eat a meal I wouldn't be able to swallow anything.
and this carried on for some time and some other health worries such as worrying I had cancer, or was pregnant even though I had not had sex!

Anyway for a little while things seemed to settle but then oneday I think I was about 19 there was this small child on his own in a park and his parents didnt seem to really bother if he wondered off and it shocked me and I thought "anyone could just take that child" and it scared me that I was having that thought and then they started getting worse about kids horrible nasty images and thoughts of a sexual nature a and it makes me feel so sick to even type that I think this!
The thing is I hate thinking this it's the worst thing in the world but then why does it keep coming back? It will go away for maybe 8 months or longer but then one day just start back up and I don't know why I don't want to be this awful creature that thinks things like this it has me in tears every day!
I keep telling myself the way to get over it is not pay it attention but I cant help not pay it attention cause if I don't does that not mean I accept this? I could never accept something so vile!
I also keep telling myself I would have had this a month ago or 6 months ago if I was really like this it wouldn't ever go away but I'm worried you can just turn into one of these sick people?

I really hope someone knows what I'm going through I hate being this way:weep:

[Beckybooboo]

Hi,

I am very sorry to hear what you're going through.

I too, experience scary, intrusive thoughts and my god they're almost crippling when you have them. I truly hate them because you can't get away from them, no matter how hard you try.

Like you said, you can go months and months without having one and then all of a sudden you'll be back at square one dealing with them all over again. It's truly like re-living a repetitive nightmare.

The only thing I can suggest for intrusive thoughts is that they are ALL in your HEAD. They are not reality. These images of children sicken you, so why would you need to react to them and give them the time of day? I understand that they're hard to ignore, almost impossible if that, but you really need to separate intrusion from reality otherwise you're going to wind up in a LOAD of confusion.

I suggest looking into therapy for the issues you're going through if they're causing insomnia and also frightening you. Visit your GP and make sure you're totally honest with him - this kind of thing is normal with anxiety and they won't judge you for it at all.

You'll be okay.

[kj238889]

Thank you so much it really does help to know others are going through this and i'm trying to get CBT at the moment, I just get scared that people can turn into these horrible awful creatures just cause the thoughts keep coming back :( x

[Beckybooboo]

Hi,

Of course it does - if you search through my threads you'll find one I posted about a similar thing to do with what you're going through which highly affected my life and sent me on a meltdown. I'm out of it now and I know I'm getting better everyday.

The wait for CBT is awful, I've been waiting since February - I'm even thinking of going private.

I have a blog: www.beckybowerenspiller.wordpress.com which may be able to help you.

I trust you'll find peace.

All the best,
Becky