Hawthorn
18-05-12, 19:04
Hey there
I'm a long term sufferer of depression, and probably anxiety too if I'm honest, but only in the last couple of years have had any major physical problems with the anxiety.
I am not currently on medication. I have taken several different types over the years, but all have resulted in my feeling totally without emotion in the end. I have taken them for long periods of time.
I'm in yet more counselling at the moment.
I'm here because I really feel like I need a bit of hope - I just feel like this has gone on forever, and it feels like climbing up a really deep hole, just to get my head over the top for a second, only to slide right back down to the bottom again. I'm tired.
After years of having the depression, being hospitalised, medicated, I'm finally feeling able to cope with those suicidal nasty feelings. What's driving me insane at the moment is the physical problems. It feels like I'm coping better mentally, now my body is saying 'you don't get out of it that easily'. Sigh.
So yea, stomach problems.....indigestion a lot. Sometimes painful, sometimes just uncomfortable. Back pain, chest pain, feeling full and bloated, feeling unable to breathe. Numbness and tingling in fingers, sometimes in my face, muscle twitches.
I did so much reading on this lot..and it is really hard to get my head around the fact that these symptoms don't have a physical cause. I've had tests when these first started...numerous blood tests, chest x - rays etc. All were clear. Since I haven't deteriorated healthwise since that day I can only assume I don't have something really horribly physically wrong with me. Logically. Inside, I'm convinced I only have a month left to live :redface:
The really bizarre things is these things are here, even if I don't feel particularly anxious :scared15:
Anyway, I don't get on well with leaving the house, or mixing with people. I AM getting better at this, but it's a long road I think. Somedays I can get out, others I feel unable to even answer the door.
This is difficult as I have four children, and part of the problem I feel is that I feel l am failing them as a parent for a number of reasons. I can't go to parent evenings. We're short of cash because there is no way I can work at the moment. Sometimes I manage to take them out......but never without another adult, usually my husband.
I have taken up an art class, but don't manage to get there every week, and only go if my husband can take me/bring me back.
What I find difficult to accept is that stuff that has happened in the past I WANT to let go. I WANT to get over it, so why won't my body do as it's told grrrr.
I'm tired of living in the same four walls, sick of going to the shops being a major issue, fed up of feeling like I'm gonna have a heart attack if someone knocks at the door, sick of my family thinking that it's pure laziness that I don't leave the house and it's my choice to be this way, why can't I 'just get over it and do the things I want to'. I'm sick of crying to myself because I know people don't really want to hear about my problems too.
I think people would struggle to understand how I can feel isolated in a house with six people (and a dog) but I do.
I can take heart in the fact that although the physical symptoms are a pain in the butt, I've never rushed to the hospital thinking I was having a heart attack, so I guess it could be much, much worse.
I just don't really know where to go from here. I've cut caffeine, quit smoking, I'm trying to get out more, trying to mix with the world, I eat healthily, go for counselling yet, yeah, not much improvement. I don't want to go back on the meds since 16 years on them for varying length of time hasn't really solved anything long term for me. I need to beat this in other ways now I think.
Reassurance that these physical problems are something others have had (especially the breathing thing, that's awful, and constant more or less) and I dont' really have a lot of faith in doctors......sorry. not sure why. And just people..real people that realise you can't just choose to feel ok in a matter of seconds. Anything to stop me feeling so alone.
Thanks :)
I'm a long term sufferer of depression, and probably anxiety too if I'm honest, but only in the last couple of years have had any major physical problems with the anxiety.
I am not currently on medication. I have taken several different types over the years, but all have resulted in my feeling totally without emotion in the end. I have taken them for long periods of time.
I'm in yet more counselling at the moment.
I'm here because I really feel like I need a bit of hope - I just feel like this has gone on forever, and it feels like climbing up a really deep hole, just to get my head over the top for a second, only to slide right back down to the bottom again. I'm tired.
After years of having the depression, being hospitalised, medicated, I'm finally feeling able to cope with those suicidal nasty feelings. What's driving me insane at the moment is the physical problems. It feels like I'm coping better mentally, now my body is saying 'you don't get out of it that easily'. Sigh.
So yea, stomach problems.....indigestion a lot. Sometimes painful, sometimes just uncomfortable. Back pain, chest pain, feeling full and bloated, feeling unable to breathe. Numbness and tingling in fingers, sometimes in my face, muscle twitches.
I did so much reading on this lot..and it is really hard to get my head around the fact that these symptoms don't have a physical cause. I've had tests when these first started...numerous blood tests, chest x - rays etc. All were clear. Since I haven't deteriorated healthwise since that day I can only assume I don't have something really horribly physically wrong with me. Logically. Inside, I'm convinced I only have a month left to live :redface:
The really bizarre things is these things are here, even if I don't feel particularly anxious :scared15:
Anyway, I don't get on well with leaving the house, or mixing with people. I AM getting better at this, but it's a long road I think. Somedays I can get out, others I feel unable to even answer the door.
This is difficult as I have four children, and part of the problem I feel is that I feel l am failing them as a parent for a number of reasons. I can't go to parent evenings. We're short of cash because there is no way I can work at the moment. Sometimes I manage to take them out......but never without another adult, usually my husband.
I have taken up an art class, but don't manage to get there every week, and only go if my husband can take me/bring me back.
What I find difficult to accept is that stuff that has happened in the past I WANT to let go. I WANT to get over it, so why won't my body do as it's told grrrr.
I'm tired of living in the same four walls, sick of going to the shops being a major issue, fed up of feeling like I'm gonna have a heart attack if someone knocks at the door, sick of my family thinking that it's pure laziness that I don't leave the house and it's my choice to be this way, why can't I 'just get over it and do the things I want to'. I'm sick of crying to myself because I know people don't really want to hear about my problems too.
I think people would struggle to understand how I can feel isolated in a house with six people (and a dog) but I do.
I can take heart in the fact that although the physical symptoms are a pain in the butt, I've never rushed to the hospital thinking I was having a heart attack, so I guess it could be much, much worse.
I just don't really know where to go from here. I've cut caffeine, quit smoking, I'm trying to get out more, trying to mix with the world, I eat healthily, go for counselling yet, yeah, not much improvement. I don't want to go back on the meds since 16 years on them for varying length of time hasn't really solved anything long term for me. I need to beat this in other ways now I think.
Reassurance that these physical problems are something others have had (especially the breathing thing, that's awful, and constant more or less) and I dont' really have a lot of faith in doctors......sorry. not sure why. And just people..real people that realise you can't just choose to feel ok in a matter of seconds. Anything to stop me feeling so alone.
Thanks :)