Hey :)

[chemilyx]

Hi guys, thought I'd introduce myself.

I'm Charlotte and I'm 23.

As far as I'm aware, I've been suffering from depression since I was a small child. Sounds odd, but I remember having the same awful feelings I get now. I've been struggling with it for my whole life and have not really found a way of improving it long-term. I get phases where I'm okay, but it always comes back to the same thing of feeling absolutely horrendous. Generally I don't live, I just exist. I'm really detached from myself, I feel like I'm watching myself through a hazy window a lot of the time.

Since the age of 16 I've been on anti-depressants. I feel like I've tried every single one going. I'm still on them, but desperately trying to come off them. I've developed a lot of physical problems since I've been on them, and my detachment from myself has got a lot worse too, so want to come off them in the hope that I will be able to "find myself" again and not be such a shell of a person anymore. I honestly feel like a zombie most of the time and I'm sick of it. Oh, and Mirtazapine has made me fat. Joy!

Physically, my diagnoses include Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/ M.E./ fibromyalgia - I'm not sure if it's due to the depression or not. I've also been diagnosed with hypermobility syndrome which basically means my joints are too flexible and I get a lot of pain etc with it... and a heart condition called POTS, for which the symptoms are basically the same as M.E.. It's all rather complicated and a pain in the backside.

I haven't been able to work for a while now and that makes me feel even worse. I finished uni last year (I studied History) but I'm a long way off being able to do anything with it.

I sleep most of the time, have no energy whatsoever, and can barely motivate myself to do even the simplest of things (mainly because of the lack of energy).

I have a lot of functional neurological problems and have pretty much "lost" my brain totally. I find it hard to manage even the simplest of things, get confused very easily and even just dressing myself or cooking can be too much for my brain.

So I guess that's the best I can do summary wise... have an extra foggy head at the moment possibly because I'm attempting to come off Mirtazapine. Eeek! Anyway... look forward to talking to people. xx

[nomorepanic]

Hi chemilyx

We just wanted to welcome you aboard to NMP. We hope you enjoy your stay here and get all the support and advice you need.

Please take some time to read the website articles on the left as well for loads of advice and tips.

[grotbags]

Hi there, I have an M.E. diagnosis as well. My GP at the time said M.E. is linked to panic disorder, depression, agoraphobia etc.

[chemilyx]

Grotbags... part of me thinks so too. But at the same time I wonder how on earth I'll ever get better if it's linked to depression etc. My body has been this way for 7+ years and I just want it to be normal :(

[grotbags]

Do you know what triggered your ME? Did your panic attacks start at the same time? I have a long complicated history of health issues so I never quite worked out what was the culprit in setting off the chain of events, but I did have a blood test which showed I'd had glandular fever. My panic attacks and agoraphobia really kicked in when I got a virus with a lot of sore throats, swollen glands etc.

I've been ill for 13 years and I am desperate to be normal as well! :(

[BobbyDog]

Hi Charlotte,

I do not have ME, but can relate to panic disorder, agoraphobia and depression, as I have suffered with these conditions and social phobia aswell for 18 years.

Getting better can be done, I eventually forgot about all the physiological symptoms that made me depressed/panic and one day realised that I was functioning as a "normal" person.

I went back to work and was about to take my driving test, when a series of unavoidable events tipped me over the edge again.

I have bad days, but I am determined to get better again, if I can do it anyone can.

[grotbags]

Hi Charlotte,

I do not have ME, but can relate to panic disorder, agoraphobia and depression, as I have suffered with these conditions and social phobia aswell for 18 years.

Getting better can be done, I eventually forgot about all the physiological symptoms that made me depressed/panic and one day realised that I was functioning as a "normal" person.

I went back to work and was about to take my driving test, when a series of unavoidable events tipped me over the edge again.

I have bad days, but I am determined to get better again, if I can do it anyone can.

That reminds me. I forgot to say that during these years I have had times where I've been pretty much better. Ok, the memories of anxiety take time to heal, but I have had some great times, like last year where I lead an almost "normal" life for the best part of a year! I have been roombound agoraphobic before, and house bound for many years, so to have a life again was such a treat for me and I appreciated things like never before. I did have a setback last year and I'm still trying to pick myself up from it. But like you say, BobbyDog, it shows we can get better! Keeps the hope going because I do believe that illnesses like this eventually run their course and burn themselves out.

[ChangelingGirl]

Hi Charlotte,
Welcome to NMP. I recognize your feeling of detachment from yourself. It is called dpersonalization and is linked to panic disorder and other mental health conditions. Some medications help this, but some make it worse. I don't remember off the top of my head which medications are thought to help with this. Anyway, I can relate to chronic fatigue too, although in my case it is probably diagnosable as something physiological rather than M.E. which if I understand ocrrectly doesn't show up on tests.

[chemilyx]

Thanks for your replies everyone!

Just as a general sentiment... one of the things I find hardest to get my head around is that I've been suffering with depression since I was a child, and to be honest I don't think I've ever known any different. I don't really know what it's like to not have it there, at the very least lurking in the background. It feels like something that will be with me forever, like it's an intrinsic part of myself. That makes me really sad. Does anyone else feel that way?

@grotbags, I'm not sure what triggered my M.E. - the thing is, there were already a few physical symptoms going on which I had put down to anxiety, so it's difficult to pinpoint where that stopped and where the M.E. began. But I do remember at the age of 17 having a very long long "cold" which never seemed to get better, and around that time I was sleeping all the time, and it was really starting to affect my life. Since then the symptoms have just accumulated more and more. Going to uni was the worst thing I could have done in a lot of respects, I pushed myself *way* too hard, pushed a lot of emotions to the back of my mind for that 3 years and I think that made everything worse. By the end of my time at uni I was pretty much bedbound and just feeling so unwell all the time. Throughout my time there I was constantly trying to pull energy and mental clarity out of nowhere and it just drained me so much. I could barely write the essays I was required to - what I did write hardly ever made any sense. Over the years my brain function has just got worse and worse.

Right now I'm living in a city alone. I have no friends or family here. My family leave 1.5 hrs away, and I made a conscious decision not to move back in with my parents after uni because they could be very emotionally abusive and it'd make me feel worse both mentally and physically. I'm cripplingly lonely here though. I just don't have anyone... and I don't have any reason to get up in the mornings. I do nothing with my life because I just can't manage it.

@ChangelingGirl, thanks for the comment. I don't actually want to be on medication for the depersonalization thing, though I appreciate the suggestion. I've come to the point where after 7 years on medication for depression, it's not done a lot for me and potentially caused a lot more problems than it's solved. I want my body and my mind to get better naturally/ without relying on medication, hence why I'm trying to come off it.

Thanks again for the comments everyone :) xx

[grotbags]

Thanks for your replies everyone!

Just as a general sentiment... one of the things I find hardest to get my head around is that I've been suffering with depression since I was a child, and to be honest I don't think I've ever known any different. I don't really know what it's like to not have it there, at the very least lurking in the background. It feels like something that will be with me forever, like it's an intrinsic part of myself. That makes me really sad. Does anyone else feel that way?

I haven't had depression since I was a child, but I've had enough episodes to be considered a "lifer" and that is a hard thing to come to terms with. The only thing that I find to be of any consolation is the fact that there are so, so many treatments being researched and trialled that there is always hope of finding something that helps; if not now, some day in the future.

---------- Post added at 14:34 ---------- Previous post was at 14:31 ----------

I feel that my brain function has got worse and worse too. It upsets me that I used to be so able to do schoolwork, whereas now I really struggle with my course at times. I bet my IQ has lost about 40 points since I became ill!