Sexual Abuse

[a4000]

Hello,

During my initial consultations with the Psychiatrists and again with my CBT therapist a common issue was my relationshop with my Dad, especially what he did during my childhood.

My Dad in public plays the friendly happy go lucky persona but behind closed doors he was very different: angry, vindictive and deceitful. There was something off about him, my Aunt once told me how he birst into the bathroom and swung a axe in anger at her when she was having a bath when they were younger. He was both verbally and physically abusive to me and my Mum for years. In the end of their marriage he didn't speak to me for 6 months and then my Mum threw him out, that was the best day of my life :)

He would take me out on Sundays for a couple of years but I never felt close to him, there was always something stopping me truly accepting him as a parent.

So now when I was discussing my childhood I was asked if I was sexually abused by my dad. I said I didn't honestly know. Thinking back, I was trying to imagine the situations I experienced as a young child but with a adult's perspective to understand what was really going on. I told them of two events that happened when I as 4-6 that always stick out in my memory. I won't go into too much detail but I can remember one occasion when he did something so bad that I've had a stammer ever since. I can't remember exactly what it was but at the time I know I struggled to understand it then and it horrified me back then.

I once told my Mum about it a few years ago and her response was "don't be daft!" but in all honesty I don't really know and the question has been getting to me for a while now.

Any thoughts or opinions would be most appreciated.

[waunder]

Healing something that is so traumatic in your life will take time,support and facing something that as a child you buried it deep because you could not process it. You will have to bring it out and let it go. It is your greatest fear but your strongest moments to do this. I am at the end of my letting go journey and am amazed at where I am now and how much I have learned about survival and faith.Bless you.

[littleredhen]

Healing something that is so traumatic in your life will take time,support and facing something that as a child you buried it deep because you could not process it. You will have to bring it out and let it go. It is your greatest fear but your strongest moments to do this. I am at the end of my letting go journey and am amazed at where I am now and how much I have learned about survival and faith.Bless you.

for balance, I suggest you also google 'false memories', in case you can't remember it properly because it didn't happen. Only you will know, but there is a lot of evidence to show that many people have suffered terribly because of remembering something incorrectly. I had terrible problems with guilt for years over something I hadn't even done - I'd just convinced myself I had!

[little wren]

Coud you ask the psychiatrist what prompted him to ask the question in the first place? It may just be a standard question asked when someone presents with physical and verbal maltreatment or it may be something picked up from your conversation with them.
Hope this helps.

[shotokansho]

Hiya.
I kept seeing your post and was so tempted to read it but kept putting it off because I know how you feel. I have eventually read and really feel for you. Sometimes when terrible things happen in childhood it gets buried in the mind and that's how, as a child, you deal with it...Problem is it comes along and bites you on the bum when you are older...Well that's what happened to me anyway. I'm now trying desperetly hard to deal with what happened to me with my step-dad. I know it happened and he even admitted it but I only have vague memories of it and it's just like a great big giant jigsaw puzzle. Because I can hardly remember it, it makes it harder for me to understand or make any sense of it.
Even though my step-dad admitted it when it came out I don't remember anything following it, I only know what I have been told and that's not a lot because I actually can't handle the truth. Sometimes I just don't want to know, sometimes I just think it's best left buried, then other times I just ask myself 'why why why'. I only remember two incidents but I know there was more than that, and I was between the ages of 10-13. Sometimes the truth can be very painful and you have to be ready to hear, I'm glad you have help with that with your CBT therapist and psychiatrist. Good luck with your journey, if you need to talk just pm me.

Kez xx

[a4000]

Thanks for all of your replies.

I often think it is a false memory or I'm just interoperating something that was quite innocent as something else. However, while some of my memory has faded since the events there has alway been some aspects/memories that I've always had since the events but didn't want to think too much about them.

When the psychiatrist asked I'm sure it was a general question but when I said I wasent sure they started to drill down a little bit.

I was taling to my step Dad about it the other day and he said that for some people they get a thrill out of going to a football match and perhaps some get a real kick out of the bad (not necessary sexual) things they do to other people.

@Kez When my Grandma was alive she once recounted a time where my Dad slapped my hard across my face. I can't remember that at all and to me, it's almost like it's something I should really remember.

I guess the thing that is frustrating the uncertainty and feeling foolish for not being sure, I'd rather be 100% sure either way.

[epzr]

I suffered sexual and mental abuse from my Step-Dad.. When I was really young, perhaps 5-7 I can only recall one instance of sexual abuse but as others have stated it just couldn't of been isolated..!!

the sexual abuse then re-appeared around 11-14 at which point it was made to feel like a game, like he was my secret boyfriend!!!. it was only when I started with my periods I stopped him from trying anything more!! From this point on the mental abuse started.

In my early 20's I left home, travelled and returned to UK, set up in own flat and started real work etc. Found a good man to settle with. My step-dad decided that I had to make a choice between family and new boyfriend..!!

I chose the boyfriend and walked away - that was just on 20 yrs ago.. I found out 2 weeks ago that both my parents were dead and that my step-dad committed suicide!!

I'm gutted about my mum and couldn't wish for him to be in a better place than he is now - I only wish I had the guts to walk back into his life and tell him what I thought of him and how his actions have affected even until today.

I visited GP today and with all that is wrong in my life she has suggested depressants and counselling, and now I think that to be truly happy I must consider both!!

God bless xx

[shotokansho]

Yes it is very hard and a journey you must be prepared for if you want to make sense of it or get answers. The mad thing with me is that I love my step-dad, he brought me and my siblings up from a very young age and we wouldn't be where we are now without him. I don't consider him a monster or a pedophile and I don't know why, I don't understand why I don't hate him.
I would be devasted if anything happened, just as I would be if my anything happened to my real dad. It's all very strange. The few people that do know are astonished at the relationship we still have and the fact that we are still a family. I know there have been times when he has been so riddled with guilt that he has driven his car into a wall and another occasion when he almost walked into a police station to reveal all.
The thing is if he did this I would feel guilty for all the problems it would cause. I have always felt guilty about it, even though I shouldn't and that's what I dislike about him, for making me feel that way.

[millie1954]

hi

i was sexually abused by my father when i was 11-12. I've carried the burden of guilt with me ever since, its affected me greatly in my relationships and emotionally making me very insecure and lacking self esteem. all through my puberty i kept it hidden and didnt tell anyone. It was not until I was 23 that I confided in my sister and my mother (who did nt believe me and thought I'd encouraged my father) I've suffered depression and anxiety for some time and am hoping CBT will help me but im very afraid and cynical.

---------- Post added at 00:44 ---------- Previous post was at 00:39 ----------


Hiya.
I kept seeing your post and was so tempted to read it but kept putting it off because I know how you feel. I have eventually read and really feel for you. Sometimes when terrible things happen in childhood it gets buried in the mind and that's how, as a child, you deal with it...Problem is it comes along and bites you on the bum when you are older...Well that's what happened to me anyway. I'm now trying desperetly hard to deal with what happened to me with my step-dad. I know it happened and he even admitted it but I only have vague memories of it and it's just like a great big giant jigsaw puzzle. Because I can hardly remember it, it makes it harder for me to understand or make any sense of it.
Even though my step-dad admitted it when it came out I don't remember anything following it, I only know what I have been told and that's not a lot because I actually can't handle the truth. Sometimes I just don't want to know, sometimes I just think it's best left buried, then other times I just ask myself 'why why why'. I only remember two incidents but I know there was more than that, and I was between the ages of 10-13. Sometimes the truth can be very painful and you have to be ready to hear, I'm glad you have help with that with your CBT therapist and psychiatrist. Good luck with your journey, if you need to talk just pm me.

Kez xx

I read your quote and drew some strength from it, I feel exactly the same way, i wish sometimes that id kept it to myself and ask myself why, because I dont feel normal anymore.

[cassy1989]

A400, I have been through a similar experience and a lot of what has happened to me I blocked out but now I am talking about it and thinking about it more, things do pop into my head that I realise I have forgotten.
Some of my memories I'm still not sure if they happened or not if that makes sense.
If you ever need to talk feel free to pm me xx

---------- Post added at 00:11 ---------- Previous post was at 00:09 ----------

Shotokansho, with the greatest respect for you, I feel your step dad must have some sort of hold over you. There is absolutely no excuse for any abuse towards children and whether your step dad feels guilty or not, he is still a peadophile and I personally would encourage him to go to the police because it deeply worries me that other children are at risk with him on the streets still! x

[hanshan]

Hi A4000,

I have to say I can't agree with those who want to search for lost or repressed memories. If you don't fully remember now, that may be as far as it goes. If you keep searching in your mind, there is a possibility of a creating a false memory at some time in the future. False memories can seem just as real as any other memory. The psychologist Elizabeth Loftus has been researching this area for years - you might want to do a Google search on her work.

That said, the physical and emotional abuse from your father directed at both you and your mother that you clearly remember is quite a lot to come to terms with, and something you should have no hesitation in getting help with.

Take care

Hanshan

[arsenalfun]

hi

i was sexually abused by my father when i was 11-12. I've carried the burden of guilt with me ever since, its affected me greatly in my relationships and emotionally making me very insecure and lacking self esteem. all through my puberty i kept it hidden and didnt tell anyone. It was not until I was 23 that I confided in my sister and my mother (who did nt believe me and thought I'd encouraged my father) I've suffered depression and anxiety for some time and am hoping CBT will help me but im very afraid and cynical.

---------- Post added at 00:44 ---------- Previous post was at 00:39 ----------



I read your quote and drew some strength from it, I feel exactly the same way, i wish sometimes that id kept it to myself and ask myself why, because I dont feel normal anymore.
ugh that's sick, but don't give up hun, don't give up guys <3

[shotokansho]

Hi Cassy.

I understand that. I couldn't even open my mouth about it, at the end of the day he will take it to his grave. He will feel guilty forever, and he knows I will never forgive or forget. I would like to discuss this further as there are other things I would like to add but it's a bit of a worry for me to do so. I would have made a post like this myself before but never had the courage...so thank you a4000, how are you doing now? Please keep us posted on your journey xxx

[a4000]

Thank you for all of your replies :)

I'm still waiting for some different Psychotherapy as the CBT went belly up. The Sertraline is slowly kicking in and I'm feeling a bit more calm and able to let life's little niggles go.

Reading other peoples awful stories of what has happened to them has really put things in perspective, I just hope some day we can all find some way of letting go and get on with things.