Stuck in a rut and very low.

[shotokansho]

Hey everyone.

I have been in hospital again. I went in on Friday night, and was let out on Sunday. They only let me out because I forced the issue, I pretended that I was fine and just needed a good nights sleep. I now wish I hadn't, I wish I was still in there, it was too soon to come home.
For the past few months people have been laughing at me, calling me names and always making me the brunt of their jokes. I am on ESA because of my illness and I got fed up with so-called friends telling me that they pay my taxes. I went on holiday to Malta and people were saying that I didn't deserve to go because apparantly all I do is sit on my ass all day doing nothing and I am on benefits so it was actually them that was paying for the holiday.
I don't sit around doing nothing all day, I have two children to look after and a house to run, plus yes I am on benefits but there is nothing I would love more than to work again, and I am working towards that with my CPN. The thing is I didn't even defend myself against these people, I didn't have the guts and I just laughed along with them, even though it hurt inside...of course this gave them the encouragement to do it more. Then there is this guy in my local pub that I go to every weekend. He calls me a certain name, he has done for months. At first it was funny but then it got boring, then it started to hurt because he was introducing me to people by this name then everyone started doing it...they found it hilarious...and I just laughed too!
Anyway on Friday night I had had enough and I got myself very upset and worked up, and lots of distressing thoughts started entering my head, so I took myself up to A&E. As I say they admitted me, and I pestered to get back out after 2 days. I did this mainly because my best friend was having a jubilee party on the Monday and he didn't want me to miss it...I mean how stupid am I?
At first it was going ok, we had a great day and we all had lots of laughs. Inside I was worrying but I carried on. Anyway my best friend tricked me into getting into the back of his van. He shut the door on me and locked me in. It was horrible, I felt sick and it was dark and closed in. I was trying so hard not to panic because if I had have done I would have totally gone mad. They even started up the engine to prentend to drive it and I could hear them all laughing from the outside. I grabbed something from a box (a washer pump) and as soon as the door opened I threw it and it hit my friend in the face and gave him a nose bleed. We had a massive row, all he cared about was his nose and his washer part. He didn't seem to realise what he had just put me through. I did apologise for it, I didn't intentially hit him.
Anyway I got home and the intrusive thoughts started again, I was having mad urges to do something terrible. I held out and finally got to sleep. Now my pet rat is dying. I have had him since he was a baby and he is very ill. I am taking him to the vets tomorrow but I have a feeling I won't be coming home with him.
I just feel like crying, I want to go back to the hospital but I can't because I am scared. I want to be able to get through this, I have been admitted 5 times since 2009, I know I came out of there too soon, but because I wanted to please everyone else I lied and got myself discharged, how stupid. I feel sad inside guys, some good thoughts and reassuring words would really help me right now. Thank you so much for listening to me.

Kez

[Jsp]

Why was you admitted to hospital?

I don't think the people you hang around with are doing yourself any good! Is there any other pubs you can go to? Or do you have any other friends away from that group? You should go out and enjoy yourself instead of have to deal with people like that!

[Idstain]

Hi Kez,

i'm sorry you're feeling this way :( . I don't think anyone here can really give you advice on this and only you really know if you should go back to A+E. If you feel you might do something silly then you should go! that's what A+E is for!

i hope you feel better soon x

[suzeelew]

Hope u get well soon. I can so understand what you are going thru...im in similar boat..just one thing after another and it never seems to get better ...hope u feel better soon and keep in touch x

[purplesky]

I am on ESA because of my illness and I got fed up with so-called friends telling me that they pay my taxes.

That old chestnut..everyone pays taxes because everyone buys goods that have VAT (value added tax) included in the price. The VAT goes to the government, so everyone pays some tax, even if not directly from earning a wage.

Plus, families pay tax, so you can assume that their tax goes to pay your benefit if that helps. It's all a spiteful argument that people working are morally superior, and governments love to stir this up to keep us all in order.

Basically, people love an excuse to be mean, but anything you buy (aside from most food and some childrens stuff) is taxed. So if that helps, you do pay tax.

Good wishes to you. :)

[shotokansho]

Thanks for the replies everyone...Purplesky, thanks loads. I didn't know that and it really has helped me feel better about the benefits thing. I'm still very low, I didn't get to sleep until 6am and was up at 9.30am. I'm very tired and have a steaming headache. I still feel tearful to, but have managed to keep my tears in, to be strong for my kids and family.
Sometimes I just need to be alone to let it all out and cry my heart out but I have a constant house full and cannot have space. Although sometimes reflecting can be dangerous for me. I have been considering weather to back to the hospital but I have decided to try to ride it out and see what my CPN says.
On a good note I haven't done anything stupid, for which I am proud. It just feels like torture when it's going round and round in my head. Luckily me and my friend are still talking after the van/nose senario and we just put it down to drink. For me though I am still reeling over it and won't forget that easily.
I'm taking my rat to the vets tonight and I'm dreading it. I know to a lot of people he just a rat but he is my pet, just as important as a cat or dog...my little friend. I have a really bad feeling that I won't be coming over him and I am getting very emotional just thinking about. :(

[Hellington Boots]

Hi Kez,

I understand how important your rat is to you, i feel the same about my pets - they are the world to me and I am so attached.Try not to catastrophasise (or whatever the word is), I always do it myself - but if you can hope for the best.

Big hugs to you... please let us know how your rat is tonight.

xxx

[shotokansho]

Thank you, I will xx

---------- Post added at 15:52 ---------- Previous post was at 13:50 ----------

Donald has been put to sleep. I cuddled and stroked him while it was done and it was very peaceful and he seemed so much happier. It turned out he had a respiratory infection, this could have been treated and I felt hopeful. But then he found a large tumor in his tummy, this would explain the balance issue and the weight loss.
I feel so gutted but I know I did the right thing and he is at peace now and not suffering. I cried so much in the vets, I just couldn't help it.
I now have to look after his brother and give him lots of playtime and cuddles.

[Hellington Boots]

Hi Kez,

I am so sorry to hear this news and can imagine how devastated you feel. I'm sure that you have done the kindest thing though.

It was wonderful of you to stay with him as well and cuddle and reassure, and he would have been very grateful that his mummy was with him. He will be resting peacefully now and you don't need to see him suffer anymore.

Big cuddles.


xxxxx

[shotokansho]

Thanks loads...means a lot xxx

[Hellington Boots]

Hang in there, i know how it feels to lose a special pet. All you can do is remind yourself that you gave them a wonderful life and they were happy because of you and your care. I hope you have some other pets to cuddle up to tonight. xxxxx

[shotokansho]

I have plenty of pets. 4 dogs, my other rat Ronald and some tropical fishies. I'm still feeling low and tearful. I forced myself to stay in this weekend and I hated it. Breaking a long habit is so hard. Sometimes I don't even know why I am crying.

[stamags]

why would you call someone who locks you in a van a friend, I would call that an thoughtless idiot

[shotokansho]

I see your point, we have been best friends for 16 years and have been through a lot together. I don't like to think of him in that way, he just wasn't thinking and had a lot to drink. But I guess that's why I'm still stewing over it and getting myself so upset over it.

[waunder]

I am so sorry about your little friend. I love animals very much and find they bring me things humans cannot. As for your friends, I am sorry but they sound very immature and spiteful. They need a reality check and that guy who calls you a name needs to be told that it is OVER. I do not have a lot to do with people on a close friendship basis anymore. I need to focus on getting well and friends can b very hurtful and I have had enough of that. Having these issues can cause so much guilt and shame and people can prey on that . Do not feel guilt or shame just feel that you are important and need to get well and to bad about how they feel, they do not live your life. Stay strong and fight for your rights. Look after you. HUGS

[shotokansho]

Thanks Waunder, means a lot. I feel awful this morning. I haven't been to bed and I am exhausted, just feel like screaming my head off. I want everyone to go away and leave me in my own little bubble. I'm seeing my CPN today but I feel closed in inside and don't know how much I will tell her. I go inside myself when I feel this way and so find it very hard to talk about things, even if I have known that person for a while.

[ElizabethJane]

Dear Kez I hope that you are ok? How did the appointment with the CPN go? EJ

[shotokansho]

Hey EJ.

Not great. I hadn't been to bed the previous night and hadn't slept for 24 hours, and I have hardly slept since. We went through a form for a referrel for finding work but I just couldn't concentrate on it. I cried in front of her, I couldn't help it, it just came out, I'd been trying to hold it in for ages. I had only eaten a packet of crisps in two days as well so she was a bit concerned.
She spoke to my psychiatrist to see about zopiclone so I can get some decent sleep. He said I could have them but it's best if I go to my GP for it because they can monitor me more closely. I have an appointment at the doctors tomorrow morning and I'm dreading it, I know I won't get it all out and I'm scared of asking for the zopiclone.
I am starting to feel a little better, I think the depression is lifting, It's just the sleep I need to sort out so I can at least function throughout the day.
Thanks for asking after me, means a lot.

Kez xxx

[ElizabethJane]

Sending ((((hugs))). It is probably best that they know how you are feeling? Could the crisis team comes in to monitor you at home more closely? That way you could avoid being admitted to hospital which I know you dread and upset family life? So sorry that you are feeling ill again and hope that you feel better soon. I know about the lack of sleep as this can quickly make me feel unwell and unbalanced. EJ

[shotokansho]

EJ. No unfortunately the crisis team won't visit or see me because I am not on their books at the moment, only if I am admitted to hospital. They are always open to me though if I need to talk to them. I only have my CPN, I was seeing her 2 weekly but because I am not to good at the moment it's now weekly. I had some bad news though. When I first went to the mental health team I was given a worker called Simon, I really liked him and trusted him almost immediately, which is unusal for me. Then he told me that his workload was too big and I was given Lindsay, it took me a while but I am talking to her more. Then when she visited me this week she told me she was retireing and I would be allocated someone else again. I can't be doing with all these changes and having to keep building up trust for different people.
I also have my psychiatrist but I only see him once every 3 months, I'm not due to see him now until July. It's just about me being able to control my emotions and accepting my personality, I just find this so hard because I don't like the person I am.