EvaSunshine78
08-06-12, 21:38
Hey guys,
I haven't been on here for a long time because I was feeling okay, but the last two months my depression has come back and I am starting to drink alot and smoke again, when out drinking (and I've been stopped for 5 years)..
I am originally from Scotland but I moved to Milton Keynes two months ago. I have been unemployed since then and am living in a shared house. I moved here as I wanted to live near my boyfriend.
The past weeks have been really hard. He works all day and then he studies at night so I hardly see him. He is also working very hard towards a final exam, recently I have felt really neglected and alone which has really made me desperately depressed!
We are both always skint so can't do much and when we do we just drink! I havent seen him all week as he's busy so I have been stuck with no money and nothing to do, but go to the gym everyday..it's the only thing that keeps me sane. I have been getting more and more down as I don't really have anyone close here and I find it really hard to open up to people and my family are all over the place.
The most of this week I spent crying, I was at the gym and just started to cry, like it's all just coming to the end. I was so low around a week ago that I took a knife and started running it across my leg. I used to self harm, but not major scars, when I was a teenager and I did it the last time when I was 16 and then said NO MORE!..When I picked up that knife and did that last week, I knew that maybe I need to get some help..as my issues still run deep no matter how much I try to ignore them. I am so unhappy but I can't leave my boyfriend, there seems to be no way out!!
Last night, I went out alone, drinking, the first proper time without my guy and I went to see a band. I got some beer and sat near a church and just drank there as I couldn't afford to buy drinks in the bar. Sad I know.
Anyways, I got seriously hammered just because I was so unhappy and was missing my boyfriend. I went drinking with the band and we had a lock in..I drank and drank and this guy, who I'd met said, come back to mine for a drink, so I told him I have a boyfriend so it will just be for drinks and I said 'No funny business'..we walked back and we had a drink, I mustve been at his house for an hour. Well, we had shots and wine so I got really drunk and I started to cry, it all came flooding out, I told him that I was convinced my boyfriend didnt love me anymore etc (which he does) but with everything thats been going on..and he gave me a hug which I needed actually but I didnt know this guy and I told him I had a boyfriend and I loved him and he said, 'Ohh, you are so beautiful' etc..and he started to stroke my hair then he kissed my neck and I stopped and said NO..stop trying it on..then I said I would leave and he said, you cant walk home like that..so he said I could sleep in his bed, I went to his bed, sat down on it and thought 'What the **** amd I doing here?!!' and It hit me so hard so I ran downstairs put my boots on and said, NO..I love my boyfriend and you are taking advantage of me in this state! and I stormed out and staggered home around 4am.
Now, today I suffered a big hangover and I wanted to tell my boyfriend what happened and that the guy came on to me but I am so scared he will take it the wrong way, because I truly never did anything and I left. BUT, I dont know if it's worth it or should just leave it. I would like to tell him as it's fair and I dont like lying, I want everything to be in the open and honest, but I was such a mess last night, lonely, at the end of my tether and that guy knew it. But in the end I would NEVER cheat on my boyfriend.
The thought of lying to him makes me really anxious, and I hate my anxiety when It comes because it turns me into a nervous wreck. I feel horrific but I actually haven't done anything wrong, I just got seriously pissed and confided in someone I shouldn't have. :/
Feeling rubbish!!!!!!!!:..( I feel like my life has got no purpose at the moment!
I haven't been on here for a long time because I was feeling okay, but the last two months my depression has come back and I am starting to drink alot and smoke again, when out drinking (and I've been stopped for 5 years)..
I am originally from Scotland but I moved to Milton Keynes two months ago. I have been unemployed since then and am living in a shared house. I moved here as I wanted to live near my boyfriend.
The past weeks have been really hard. He works all day and then he studies at night so I hardly see him. He is also working very hard towards a final exam, recently I have felt really neglected and alone which has really made me desperately depressed!
We are both always skint so can't do much and when we do we just drink! I havent seen him all week as he's busy so I have been stuck with no money and nothing to do, but go to the gym everyday..it's the only thing that keeps me sane. I have been getting more and more down as I don't really have anyone close here and I find it really hard to open up to people and my family are all over the place.
The most of this week I spent crying, I was at the gym and just started to cry, like it's all just coming to the end. I was so low around a week ago that I took a knife and started running it across my leg. I used to self harm, but not major scars, when I was a teenager and I did it the last time when I was 16 and then said NO MORE!..When I picked up that knife and did that last week, I knew that maybe I need to get some help..as my issues still run deep no matter how much I try to ignore them. I am so unhappy but I can't leave my boyfriend, there seems to be no way out!!
Last night, I went out alone, drinking, the first proper time without my guy and I went to see a band. I got some beer and sat near a church and just drank there as I couldn't afford to buy drinks in the bar. Sad I know.
Anyways, I got seriously hammered just because I was so unhappy and was missing my boyfriend. I went drinking with the band and we had a lock in..I drank and drank and this guy, who I'd met said, come back to mine for a drink, so I told him I have a boyfriend so it will just be for drinks and I said 'No funny business'..we walked back and we had a drink, I mustve been at his house for an hour. Well, we had shots and wine so I got really drunk and I started to cry, it all came flooding out, I told him that I was convinced my boyfriend didnt love me anymore etc (which he does) but with everything thats been going on..and he gave me a hug which I needed actually but I didnt know this guy and I told him I had a boyfriend and I loved him and he said, 'Ohh, you are so beautiful' etc..and he started to stroke my hair then he kissed my neck and I stopped and said NO..stop trying it on..then I said I would leave and he said, you cant walk home like that..so he said I could sleep in his bed, I went to his bed, sat down on it and thought 'What the **** amd I doing here?!!' and It hit me so hard so I ran downstairs put my boots on and said, NO..I love my boyfriend and you are taking advantage of me in this state! and I stormed out and staggered home around 4am.
Now, today I suffered a big hangover and I wanted to tell my boyfriend what happened and that the guy came on to me but I am so scared he will take it the wrong way, because I truly never did anything and I left. BUT, I dont know if it's worth it or should just leave it. I would like to tell him as it's fair and I dont like lying, I want everything to be in the open and honest, but I was such a mess last night, lonely, at the end of my tether and that guy knew it. But in the end I would NEVER cheat on my boyfriend.
The thought of lying to him makes me really anxious, and I hate my anxiety when It comes because it turns me into a nervous wreck. I feel horrific but I actually haven't done anything wrong, I just got seriously pissed and confided in someone I shouldn't have. :/
Feeling rubbish!!!!!!!!:..( I feel like my life has got no purpose at the moment!