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Angelai
09-06-12, 09:19
VERY LONG!

This is part of reply I posted in the emet-dreams thread - I hadn't expected this all to come out, but it did, and I thought I would share in the hope that it might help someone in some way. I've also posted (after) the original reply to my other post that prompted me to write this essay :blush:

When I was about 4 I woke in the night. I don't actually remember how I felt, but I was very s*** - in the bed, on the floor... wierd that I really don't remember any physical sensations. So, I went to mum's room, knelt by her bed and gently woke her up. She came to, I told her what had happened, she lifted the blankets and told me to get in. My mum is a true star. I mean, I was covered, she didn't care. She just wanted to comfort me. At that time, she had a long-term live in boyfriend who was very violent. Apparently, he woke up and went mental and expressed his disgust at the dirty little stinking me that was in the bed. I don't remember that. I'm not sure, but I think mum told me once, much later, that she got a 'smack' for that. Ok, I thinking hard about that night now, and you know what? Honestly, all I remember is climbing into bed. The next thing I remember is the afternoon of the following day, being all snuggled up on the sofa downstairs with blankets and a bowl - I was s*** some more but it's all very vague. I don't remember feeling scared, I don't remember feeling ill, I don't remember any physical or mental sensation at all... I do remember a square of carpet appearing over the patch by my bed, that's it. I guess things could have got nasty when the boyfriend woke up to find me in their bed, nasty enough that I've blocked it out?

Now on to age 9/10. I ate some laburnam seeds (don't ask - I won't go in to detail!). Basically, mum found out that my friend had eaten some and asked me if I had, I said no because I thought I would be in trouble. I went to bed, but mum woke me up and asked me again. She told me that I must tell the truth because my friend was in hospital, and if I had eaten some and didn't say, I might not wake up in the morning. She wasn't dramatic or shouting or anything, very calm and loving and not telling me off. So I admitted it and was taken to hospital. They gave me the dreaded orange syrup and waited. And waited. And waited. Nothing happened. They put me in a wheelchair, gave me one of those stupid plastic tray/bowl things, and started wheeling me off to the ward. It was a looooong way. We got on to the ward, and the person pushing me stopped, right there in the middle of the ward, to talk to a nurse or someone. The nausea started, I was almost at my bed but stuck in this wheelchair with adults stood around me, and I was really scared. The v* started while I was still sat there, I was so humiliated when I started to feel it coming. They got me in to bed, which I don't remember. I don't remember that night at all after that. My friend was in the bed next to me, and in the morning our parents were all there. She got to go home, but because I hadn't actually stopped being s*** they wouldn't let me go. Again, I don't remember that, I only remember how heartbroken I was watching my mum and (future) step-dad, and my friend and her mum and dad, all leaving, all fine. I felt that I'd done something really bad, I was a bad girl, I felt I was being told off and punished for not being able to stop being s***. Like I said though, I have no memory of actually being s*** all night and morning, only the start of it rising up and then the next day seeing everyone go.

So, a therapist once agreed that the age 4 incident was the trigger, the later one the reinforcement. My problem with that has always been that I remember those events, I have thought about them often, so this doesn't fit with the analytical hypnosis theory. But now, actually writing it down, I realise that I don't really remember these events, in both cases there is a big blank. Maybe here is where I will find my pieces of a plate or jug?!

A couple more quick ones - when I was about 5ish, we went on a family holiday, a long way in the car. We went with friends, following their car. On the way, someone in the car ahead was really ill out of the car window. I remember seeing it all over the outside of the car. I always thought it was one of the kids, but here my memory may be tricking me. Mum has since told me that the dad in the other car was very poorly on that holiday, really s***, and we all had to go home early. He died a few days later. No, I don't remember any of that. Another possible incident that mum has mentioned - she's not sure but thinks it could have been me in a pram, at nan's house, in the garden, when my gramp had a nasty coughing fit, jumped up, and was s*** all over the pram. She isn't sure if it was me in there or one of my many cousins. One last one (for now :biggrin:). Not s*** related, but maybe significant in light of the age 4 incident with the boyfriend. Mum and bf and gone out for the night, he got on the 'shorts' which always made him violent so mum left early. He came home in a state, grabbed my brother and me out of bed, mum woke up to find him stood at the end of the bed with my brother under one arm and me under the other, and a big kitchen knife in his hand - which he was using to flick the buttons off my brothers pyjamas as he told her that if she EVER left him like that again he would kill us. I've no memory of this, my only memories of him are that I knew he was hurting my mum (I heard, and saw the bruises) but he never laid a hand on me. Well, I did get a smacked bum for going off up the lake with my younger friend when I was 3! Mum did a midnight flit with my brother and me twice, to a womens refuge, but both times he found us and we ended up going back to him. The second time (the only one I remember) mum actually asked us what we wanted to do and we both said we wanted to go home. Terrible little traitors!

I guess I really do have some stuff to work with here, I'm hoping that I'm finally about to start with the psychotherapy that I keep being told I need. I started CBT about 2 years ago, I think it was actually for travel anxiety, but the lovely lady that I saw shared with her team who all agreed that CBT wasn't the answer - they felt that I really needed pscho but unfortunately they weren't able to offer it. The travel anxiety, I believe, is totally an emet thing, not a disorder on it's own. I could be wrong, but it is a fear of being ill that makes me travel-anxious, nothing else.



Thanks for reading guys x

---------- Post added at 09:08 ---------- Previous post was at 09:05 ----------

And some of the very thoughtful reply I had to my orignal post:

(sorry if you have already read this on the other post, I just wanted to repost it under a different heading in the hope that more emets would read)



I still dont know to this day where it came from , all the books , websites & counsellors all say the same - it began in childhood.
& I can completely see why they think that because I can remember (only vaguely though) 1 of the first times I got sick in the middle of the night through a bug or something , & it was nothing , I sat on the loo (so sorry about this TMI!!) holding a bowl with it coming out at both ends for a good few hours on & off.
I always remember getting really cold when I had a bug as a child after the dreaded v* & d* actually d* doesn't bother me , I have said many times I would rather have a week of d* than a day of v*
I just remember feeling really weak & ill & cold but I never once got scared , I did have that oh no gotta get to the bathroom feeling but still.
I mean no one likes being sick , I remember not liking it but I also remember a time when I wasn't afraid of it. Although it must of been when I was between the ages of 7-10
I say this because at the age of 11 , one night I had a stomach ache , was on the loo for a while but nothing really major , just a bit of a dodgey tummy , no nausea BUT I think because I always had the d* & v* together I asociated them with one another so I thought oh I'm having d* I will probably v* later , & I was waiting & waiting for it to come but it never did .. Anyway after that because I was waiting for the v* I stopped eating , I was so worried that if I did it would cause me to v* but being a child I thought this kind of thinking was normal because no one ever told me otherwise.
Well for days I didn't eat , which obviously did make me feel ill so I assumed I was ill & didn't eat for even longer because I felt so ill (these vicious cycles :|)
I got so underweight because , well my mom was lucky if I swallowed down a piece of toast every day. Eventually got admitted to hospital & was told I would be have a feeding tube shoved down my throat if I didn't eat! Looking back that probably caused this blood fear to get worse!!!!
So I gained a couple pounds & they let me out of hospital. & slowly I started to get over this constant I'm gonna be sick phase & started eating again, i remember having a stomach bug 2 years later at 13 & I felt quite unwell so I went into the bathroom was looking in the mirror & I looked like death , next thing I know I'm sat on the toilet with my mom & dad in the room fussing over me , I had only gone & fainted , fell into the bath & fully whacked my head :/ I threw up all over my mom and was crying because I didn't really know what was going on due to the fainting & blow to the head.
After about a week I felt a lot better but I felt very ill for the whole week & v* a lot more than I usually did with a bug , I remember feeling like. Was dying , feeling worse after v* not better as u usually do when u have a bug as it gets it out of your system. I think maybe the bang to the head caused some sort of conclusion I'm not sure cause doctors never really took any notice , just said i was alright & to rest.


Thanks to Louisicle x

---------- Post added at 09:19 ---------- Previous post was at 09:08 ----------

Oh, yeah, a bit more...

I've done a lot more reading lately and one site (sorry, can't remember which one :blush:) talked about how emets were usually much less s*** as children, we never 'get used to it being a normal thing' which is a part of what may make it so scary. Many sites will tell you that most emets can count the number of times on one hand (I sooo hope I haven't just jinxed myself :weep:)

I am seriously on a research, research, research, find answers mission! I hope I haven't gone on too much.

Angel x

Lousicle
10-06-12, 21:27
Yeahh that's true a lot of emets didn't catch a lot of bugs during childhood so they fear the unknown because they don't remember fully what being s* is like!
I remember another thing as a child , when I got to a certain age (more aware of things , AND I think this may of been at the very very beginning of the phobia) always thinking how long it had been since I got s* cause most people at school used to say "oh I usually get that winter v* bug every year" & I didn't & I kept getting worried cause I was thinking omg , ure s* EVERY year???? Like it was a big thing ... Hmmm , & the search for the cause of my emet continues!