View Full Version : New Fluoxetine User - Looking for some Chat/Reassurance
Hi everyone,
I'm on day 12 of 20mg Fluoxetine, and looking to get some positive stories from users/former users about it's effects.
To explain, I'm 29 and now suffer from depression. After 27 1/2 years of a really happy, confident, and successful life, a series of life events have pushed me to a stage where I'm now a shell of my former self. In the last 2 years or so both my parents became ill (my dad having had a stroke), resulting in my dad losing his business, no longer being able to work, and being in a very precarious financial position. I myself lost a significant portion of my savings last year (on stocks/shares - stupid I know). All the while I'm trying to complete a PhD, which I've worked on for 3 years and am now, understandably, struggling to work on. This has all left me in a state of constant panic and dark thoughts where I'm forever comparing my lack of success to other people and am able to project a negative spin on almost any situation. I'm now deep in the process of failing my PhD and ruining the best relationship I've ever had. I feel like if I got some normality/clarity back in my life then I could work hard and make everything ok, but equally, if things keep on this track I could very well be broke, alone, and miserable.
I started on the Fluoxetine 12 days ago. No really terrible side affects yet apart from feeling manically anxious on occasion. I've also had quite vivid thoughts of suicide, which seem to pass after a while.
I found myself reading some of the old experiences on here about how people were feeling more normal again, etc after taking Prozac and was really heartened by them. Basically, I'd like to hear some more of that!
I'm also taking therapy now, but was really disappointed in my first couple of sessions. I thought therapy would be more targeted and direct. I thought it would be about breaking my destructive thought patterns, but right now I seem to be paying money I can't afford for someone just to listen to me (when I've got plenty of friends that would do that for free!).
I'm really struggling with things some days, and would love some reassuring stories from any one on here.
Hi! i am 33 days into my second time on fluoxetine. First time around I lost my dad suddenly and another set of circumstances threatened everything else in life.i found the med great! It helped me clarify my thinking get out of repetive anxiety and thinking and lifted my mood.
I should however, have come up with a plan for coping if I felt overwhelmed by similar anxiety etc again:) so here I am...
i feel that I have turned a corner in the last few days, brighter mood and reduced anxiety.
Make sure that you get plenty of rest and concentrate on getting yourself better. Is there someone you could talk to about your PHD work, that must be adding to your anxiety etc. loads.Happy to answer any other questions for you. Good luck things will improve.
Thanks for the response Sunshine. I'm trying to take reassurance from any source I can.
My anxiety is really bad today - just managed to climb out of bed now (despite being awake since 5.45am) and my heart is actually pounding at the thought of going to the shop for lunch - never mind sitting down to work on my PhD. I've tried to take practical steps with the PhD and am trying to get a 3 month sabbatical and get a low stress job in a pub for a while. But, even the process of filling in paperwork and putting together a CV is proving tough.
I'm currently living with my girlfriend, and this situation has put extreme pressure on our relationship. There's talk of me having to move out - something I cannot afford to do to be honest. Basically I have no solid foundations under me, and it puts me in a constant state of panic.
I'm almost 2 weeks in with the Fluoxetine now and feel like it just has to work in the next 2 weeks or so. I'm almost broken with it all today.
Ooft. Stomach pains and sickness after eating lunch today. Any one else had these side effects, and how long did they last?
You are having a horrible time!
I found it really hard to do things like organise myself when I am feeling low and anxious. My symptoms started to improve around 4 week mark. it is hard trying to be patient for it to kick in but hang on to the fact that you will feel better.
Re girlfriend, would it be helpful for her to read about anxiety on this website? It is hard to explain to others and for them to understand. my mum read the info on here and found it helpful.
If anxiety is overwhelming you, may be worth going back to doc as they may be able to give you something to help with the anxiety short term.
It is really common for people on this med to feel worse before they feel better! Remember plenty rest! I have some anxiety today and am sure it was because i didn't sleep well and have a nap yesterday. Doc has signed me off work for 10 days. Take good care of you, make sure you are eating well. x
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Also,think about some relaxation and breathing exercises. i found some on NHS website which were simple enough for me to follow!
My tummy has been bit iffy but think it has lots to do with my being anxious, would suggest palin food...
Let us know how you are getting on.x
Thanks for your responses Sunshine. I was just about to come on here and let you know that I was doing much better today BUT I just found out that my PhD supervisor is leaving to take up a new post in 3 months and it's completely pulled the rug from under me. He was the only one in my department that understood my situation, and now I'm going to be passed on to someone else. It seems clear to me that I'm going to fail and waste 3 years of my life. I have very little career experience outside this and feel like my career is over before it began. I am so panicked and low right now that I'm worried about doing something silly to myself.
Yep, this is pretty much exactly how I feel Brightspark. Like I want to run away or, better yet, turn back time. I'm actually amazed that my previously successful life has come to this.
Thanks for the encouraging words brightspark. I'm caught between trying to take time out to get my head clear or trying to work through it. I'm in such a tight financial situation that I really need to get it done as quickly as possible. I felt like I had real support from my supervisor, but now he's leaving and I feel like whoever takes over will be amazed at how little quality work I have. I've been trying to rewrite an introduction today - something that should be easy - but I'm completely freaking out and it's utterly impossible. I have so much left to do and very little time/money left to do it in. It feels like I've tied everything up in this PhD and now it's going to shit. My recovery was going ok, but this has totally derailed me today.
traggicvix!
13-06-12, 17:48
please please go to the doctors asap and get ur doses uped ! it has worked 4 me and i really hope it helps u i wudnt wish those side effects on any1 x good luck x there is light at the end of the tunnel literally in 24 hours x let me know how u get on x
Going to see the doc on Friday. That'll be me 16 days in on 20mg. Not sure upping things is the right idea. I'd like to see this out until week 4-5 to see if improvements happen.
traggicvix!
13-06-12, 17:58
i went on my 15th day due to absolute terror,starvation,dread,lack of sleep,anxiety and panic u name any negative emotion i had it ! i though id b taken off or dose reduced but no apparently my depressions deeper than we anticpated over nite i felt better ! im a sceptic on ADs and this is the first time ever iv taken anything like this and its been a huge turn around i will stick with 4 a few months cirtainly not 4ever ! how are u feeling atm x
Glad you were feeling better today, experson. The supervisor change was something you were not expecting, but it is not necessarily negative, just different. it has just thrown you because it was unexpected. i find with my anxiety when i haven't seen things coming it throws me too but think it is part of my anxiety.
Tell the doc how you are feeling, can you get an emergency appointment tomorrow?Things will get easier. x
sazzleberry
13-06-12, 20:28
You can't get work done today because you've experienced a shock, and it's perfectly natural that it's threw you off. Don't beat yourself up about not being able to write this introduction, just concentrate on your recovery and the work will sort itself out in good time. From my experience trying to force yourself to work when you're feeling so anxious and panicky makes things so much worse.
Things will get easier, I was really nervous a couple of days ago, freaking out about everything, feeling like everything's getting on top of me, but today I feel a lot calmer than I did which is quite a relief. Definitely speak to your doctor though, and sooner rather than later. I hope you're ok experson x
Went out for a drink last night. Got quite drunk. Good fun at the time, but I'm a mess today. Just lying in bed being more anxious than ever. I don't know what to do to pass the time. I try to relax and concentrate on getting better, but I feel like I'm wasting time and it gets me worried. I'm in a horrible vicious circle, and it's been made so much worse since taking Fluoxetine. Have to keep telling myself that they'll help me in a couple of weeks, but it's tough. I'm so lacking in motivation that the thought of doing dishes/making lunch is laced with a vague dread. It really is ridiculous and I want to just snap out of it.
My anxiety this time around was incredible during weeks 2-4 and was subsiding by end of week 5 (where I am now). i have had 4 days in a row with only very mild anxiety and my mood is better.
I know its frustrating and feels like a waste of time doing nothing, but I was exhausted and slpt loads during weeks 2-4 - eventually came to conclusion that all that adrenalin coursing through my body was taking its toll! Just keep in mind that you are recovering:yesyes:
Thanks again to everyone that's been responding. It's been a bit of a lifeline for me over the last few days. Bizarrely I feel a lot better today. I slept until 8am this morning and now feel strangely ok. A bit annoying really because I went to the doctor this morning and was much better. Kinda wanted to keep saying "you should have seen me over the last week!". This all feels very strange - I'm new to this and I don't know whether this is the ADs kicking in or if it's some kind of manic episode. But, certainly it's a lot nicer that before. Still a long way to go though.
That's great! Its good to feel even a bit more normal and even again. Sounds like your meds are starting to work! :)
Hi Experson and Brightspark.
I'm on my 3rd day on fluoxetine for the first time of my life, I understand completely your feelings and thoughts, I'm struggling with the same, and also doing PhD in solar cells research... but I started last year. The first two months were brilliant, after homesickness started which made me quite sad and lonely but then it took a very dark twist, because I started to feel as I didn't understand anything of what I was doing, experiments failed, couldn't do simple things, even simple tasks as cooking was getting harder. Now I'm facing a very ugly anxiety and have to do the transfer exam, which I don't think I will pass. Nobody here knows my situation apart from the councelor from the college, who has not been very helpful.
Now I just started fluoxetine (3rd day) but it's getting quite ugly, dizziness, nausea, sudden changes in humour. I feel hopeless... used to be always the first in my class, smiling happy girl now I feel like a complete failure, completely antisocial.
I'm not longer convinced I did ok to start the PhD or even to study chemistry. I have no confidence at all, and my brain is really not going ok. I'm slow, my memory is so bad. I'm panicking really bad.
I'm probably not giving you any courage... sorry about that!! but I really felt like sharing my story with you guys.
Elili,
Sorry to hear you're having a tough time. I know how you feel with regards to feeling like you've somehow lost your intelligence - I've felt the same thing. It's a natural thing when you're brain begins to get overworked with anxiety, etc. Try to get as much practical support from your uni as possible - councellors/supervisors, etc. Who knows, maybe you'll get through this exam and you're confidence will return. Plus, it is absolutely no disaster to decide a PhD isn't for you after your first year. You will already be well qualified in a very employable field - and it's easy to explain away a one year gap to any prospective employer if you decide to stop.
As for the medication - everyone seems to have different side effects, at different levels of severity, at different times. For me, I felt nothing until day 11, had terrible anxiety for 4-5 days, and feel a bit better now. Still have a massive ball of financial, PhD/career, family, and relationship worries to deal with, but at least it's not debilitating me right now, which is nice. It sounds to me like your stresses are building up and coming to a head around about the time of your exam. The good news is you're not going to feel like this forever. Whether you stay with the PhD or not - you'll be in a decent position once you get over this tough period.
Snowshadow
17-06-12, 00:49
I have been taking Fluoxetine for four years and it has been wonderful. It really started working for me at four weeks and I've never had any side effects. I've been dealing with anxiety/panic/depression for over 40 years now, and Fluoxetine has been one of the best meds I've used. Paxil was equally as good, but the side effect for that one was weight gain. Hope things go well for you!
Elili,
Sorry to hear you're having a tough time. I know how you feel with regards to feeling like you've somehow lost your intelligence - I've felt the same thing. It's a natural thing when you're brain begins to get overworked with anxiety, etc. Try to get as much practical support from your uni as possible - councellors/supervisors, etc. Who knows, maybe you'll get through this exam and you're confidence will return. Plus, it is absolutely no disaster to decide a PhD isn't for you after your first year. You will already be well qualified in a very employable field - and it's easy to explain away a one year gap to any prospective employer if you decide to stop.
As for the medication - everyone seems to have different side effects, at different levels of severity, at different times. For me, I felt nothing until day 11, had terrible anxiety for 4-5 days, and feel a bit better now. Still have a massive ball of financial, PhD/career, family, and relationship worries to deal with, but at least it's not debilitating me right now, which is nice. It sounds to me like your stresses are building up and coming to a head around about the time of your exam. The good news is you're not going to feel like this forever. Whether you stay with the PhD or not - you'll be in a decent position once you get over this tough period.
Hi Experson
Thank you for your reply. Indeed is very hard to notice that you are not as smart as you used to be. My memory is bad and I'm so slow. Making my experiments put me in a relly huge anxiety.
Things get worse because I feel lonely and I somewhat developed a phobia at being by myself.
What did your (former) supervisor say about your situation? My supervisor doesn't know anything but I think I will tell him soon. I can no longer hidding this situation :(
Elili,
My supervisor was quite supportive. I told him about my family's health and financial issues and said that my head wasn't in the work any more. I got the university counsellor and my doctor to provide supportive evidence. It was a pretty awkward, but necessary, series of conversations. We're trying to negotiate a 6 month sabbatical, which I plan to take 2-3 months to work a low stress job then go back and attempt the write up over the remaining 9-10 months that I'd have left. It’s simply the only option for me, because I can’t keep just trying to work with this current frame of mind.
I still feel in no way confident that I'll ever be able to do this. I often wonder to what extent the PhD work that I now hate doing fuels my depression – or if my depression fuels my inability to work. It’s a bit of a chicken and egg situation. Sometimes I feel that if I get my head straight then I’ll be able to work. Other times I feel like as soon as I start working again my head will get messed up. I mean, beyond the whole depression/anxiety thing, I've long been pretty disillusioned with my PhD subject and the possible career paths that it could take me. I wish I'd chosen any number of other career paths. I don’t feel any real value in the work I do. I feel very silly about the possibility of wasting key 3-4 years of my life – or, conversely, that I’ll somehow scrape through the PhD and then be locked in this career that I don’t value. I worry that it’s making me resentful and bitter. I find myself jealous of friends that seem to have just luckily fell into a career that they enjoy. All of this is set against a backdrop of extreme financial stress on myself and my family – something that is a completely new experience for me. This all serves to make me a generally unhappy person – something which is taking it’s toll on my relationship with my girlfriend – which, again makes things worse. Fluoxetine has taken then edge off of things over the last few days, but I do wonder if I’ll ever be free of this cycle of thoughts – or if this period of my life will do irreparable damage to my career and relationship to the point where I’ll always look back with bitterness.
That’s why I would definitely advise you to address any issues your having with the PhD as early as possible. Don’t let things fester for years and end up in a position, like me, where you hate the work, worry about your ability to complete it, but feel as if you have to because all your eggs are in one basket. You’re only one year in, so you’ve got options. I can understand the feeling of shock that you are struggling with work or that you might fail. I too was one of these people that was always top of the class, and had never struggled. It’s been a real shock to me that I can’t do well here. But, as I say, you’re not completely tied in to your PhD the way I am, and you do have practical options. The sooner you can get over the ‘I can’t believe I’m struggling’ and ‘I’ve never failed anything, why is this happening now?’ mindsets then the better you’ll feel about taking practical steps.
sazzleberry
18-06-12, 11:55
ExPerson-I'm so glad you're feeling better! Today I'm feeling very very anxious, my chest feels tight and I feel it's hard to catch proper breaths, but I've got a meeting with my supervisor today and I put it down to being scared about that as well as the fluoxetine. It seems like our moods are in anti-phase!!! I think the sabbatical is a great idea, taking the time out to get your head straight before starting to write up will help you a lot more than you probably feel like at the moment.
Elili-Hello and welcome! It's so reassuring to hear from more PhDs that feel the same! But I'm sorry you're feeling rubbish however well done for seeking help NOW and not like me, 6months towards the end! You should tell your supervisor, I regret not telling mine earlier, but if it means that they back off you for a little bit or give you a little more support and guidance then it's definitely worth it. I was scared that I'd be judged negatively by people, that all these feelings I was having were because I was a weak student who should never have started the PhD etc. Actually it was my supervisor that approached me about going to get help, after one particularly fraught meeting they realised I was a mess. They were really supportive AND sympathetic, explaining they'd felt very very similar things during their PhD. In fact speaking to some other PhD students made me realise the feelings of inadequacy, feeling like I'd lost my edge, that I used to be sooooo much better as an undergraduate, wondering where my motivation had gone, where my ability to do even the most basic of calculations were a lot more common than I'd previously thought. A lot of other PhDs feel like that and it did help me to not beat myself up so much nor question my ability to do it so much. I hope some of this is reassuring.
Brightspark, good luck with the meeting today. Your university sounds quite supportive, so no doubt you'll feel a bit better after having a chat with your supervisor. Maybe time out is something you can discuss as well?
My anxiety may have reduced, but I'm still thoroughly lost as to what to do with my life. I'm a 29 year old guy with good qualifications, but I'm currently sitting in my flat on a monday morning/afternoon when I should be working and earning money and looking after myself. I literally can't do my PhD right now, but also hate just bumming around, wasting time. I used to have so much confidence, but now I'm devoid of any pride in myself. I don't know if I'll ever have the confidence and self-worth I used to have again. It's an utterly horrible thought, and one that does nothing but fuel future negativity in your life.
I know that my depression has been fueled by real life events, but I can't help but feel now that my whole thought pattern has been damaged. The way I look at things is completely different. Adversity incites panic in me rather than resolve. Situations that would previously have been examples of positive opportunity now make me feel envy that I'll never get to do these things. Where I used to be a catalyst for positive events I now feel like a hindrance to the loved ones and friends that must indulge my terrible moods/situation.
I'm going for CBT soon. Next week some time. I hope that this, along with my medication, the break from work, etc will restore some normality to my thought patterns. I feel like it has to.
Good luck to you all.
sazzleberry
18-06-12, 14:27
Hi Experson, I have thought about time out but I've got a job that's due to start after the PhD, and taking time out will mean I can't take the job, and the job is something that I hope will help me out of this downwards spiral I've been in cos I hate my PhD so much. It feels like a Catch 22 situation!
Have you thought about reading some books too? I've started reading one called Overcoming Depression, I've found it quite reassuring so far, it seems to explain a lot of the thought processes I've been having as being something that's quite natural to have, it begins by looking at some evolutionary psychology and showing why these feelings have some purpose. But also it shows that they are quite easy downward spirals to get into. I've read about a tenth of it, and the rest of it looks like it'll cover some mindfulness and CBT stuff too. If you hate bumming around then maybe reading a book on helping you out of your depression will counter this guilt that you seem to be experiencing?
I know exactly what you feel when you say about how confident you used to be! I actually had a friend comment that I "USED to be such a confident, dynamic young woman"..... ha and the implication is that now I'm such a depressive, shadow of a girl! But I believe my old personality is still in there somewhere, however although I'm further into the PhD than you, I'm sooner out of it too, and realising that it'll soon be over has helped me. It sounds like you feel overwhelmed by still have so many months left of your PhD, but it too will soon be over, and you can do it, just think of taking one day at a time. Don't look at the PhD and indeed your life in its entirety at the moment. Give yourself little bite sized bits to work on. xxx
Well, to be honest I'm just as far into my PhD as you in terms of time. My 3 years of funded work are up and I'm funding myself now while trying to work but not actually getting anywhere. I'd feel infinitely more optimistic if I was anywhere close to the finishing line, but I'm not. There's no way I could line up a job because there's no way I can tell when I'm going to finish, if at all.
I actually felt reasonably ok for a bit today, but my girlfriend came home unexpectedly for lunch this afternoon and found that I hadn't yet left bed. I felt embarrassed and guilty enough myself, but the unimpressed look on her face and the quiet treatment I got from her subsequently has made me feel horrific. She's losing respect for me by the day. I hate it when she treats me like I'm an normally thinking person, not a depressed one - she doesn't understand what it does to me to have her pissed off, giving one word responses to me, etc. The thing is, she's been such a star to put up with this for so long, but it obviously takes its toll. She's got a right to feel upset by it all. I've got no right to ask any more of her. But, I do need support from somewhere - I can't deny that.
I hate being on my own, but I hate how I act around others. I'm in the library now trying to do some work. I don't know what else to do. I don't want to go home tonight because I don't want to argue with my girlfriend. I don't know where else to go. On the way here I honestly stopped to look over a bridge with the thought of jumping off it. I don't want to be dead. Far from it. I just don't want to be in the place I am right now. I want to be myself again.
We've talked and talked about it all. She's been great about it for months upon months. As supportive as you could ever hope for. Now, understandably, she's a bit fed up. I know she'd love to help me in any way possible. But, equally, my depression/situation has become our main subject of conversation and she doesn't always want to discuss it. This is probably why I'm talking to complete strangers online about it right now!
I have applied for a tutoring position - starting October. I'm a bit worried about how my sabbatical will affect my eligibility to apply though. I'm kind of relying on tutoring as an extra source of income. Although I have to say that the thought of standing up in front of a class is terrifying me.
I have done no work today again. I feel so horrible about arguing with the person I love most in the world. I know I'm going to struggle to sleep tonight, and maybe start the whole anxiety cycle all over again. What a horrible existence I'm living. I feel like I've done too much damage to everything and that i'll never really recover from the aftermath of this episode.
Hi Experson
I know how you feel, but you have to commit with yourself, really DECIDE to go out from this situation. I don't think not finishing the PhD is such a catastrophe... (which is the worst scenario, probably you'll finish it!) even after three years. If things have happened this way is because you had to learn from it, and the same you told me: the good news is that is not always to be like this... when you are ok again you'll look back and say "how bad things looked and they were not that bad" and you'll feel so proud of recovering.
Life is so upredictable that you don't know which direction it might take... what if you really like tutoring?
Don't be so hard to yourself. Is normal that in such a state you cannot concentrate... however if you are realizing that you really cannot work at all... at least do something FOR YOU, like go out runnig, go to the gym, read the book brightspark recommended you (I have it pdf so if you send me your e-mail I can send it to you) something that you know is improving your mood. Yesterday for example I was planning to go to Uni and keep on writing my report. But then a friend call me and invited me to go to Regent's Park... I really wanted to know this park for a long time and hadn't given myself the opportunity to go, so I decided not to work. At the beginning I felt a little guilty, but I enjoyed so much and distracted my mind from the cyclic thoughts that it really made me feel good.
Common! you can do it! there is no evidence to prove that you won't be the same happy person as before!!!
:hugs:
ps we are not strangers! we have this huge thing in common that put us in the same channel...
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ExPerson-I'm so glad you're feeling better! Today I'm feeling very very anxious, my chest feels tight and I feel it's hard to catch proper breaths, but I've got a meeting with my supervisor today and I put it down to being scared about that as well as the fluoxetine. It seems like our moods are in anti-phase!!! I think the sabbatical is a great idea, taking the time out to get your head straight before starting to write up will help you a lot more than you probably feel like at the moment.
Elili-Hello and welcome! It's so reassuring to hear from more PhDs that feel the same! But I'm sorry you're feeling rubbish however well done for seeking help NOW and not like me, 6months towards the end! You should tell your supervisor, I regret not telling mine earlier, but if it means that they back off you for a little bit or give you a little more support and guidance then it's definitely worth it. I was scared that I'd be judged negatively by people, that all these feelings I was having were because I was a weak student who should never have started the PhD etc. Actually it was my supervisor that approached me about going to get help, after one particularly fraught meeting they realised I was a mess. They were really supportive AND sympathetic, explaining they'd felt very very similar things during their PhD. In fact speaking to some other PhD students made me realise the feelings of inadequacy, feeling like I'd lost my edge, that I used to be sooooo much better as an undergraduate, wondering where my motivation had gone, where my ability to do even the most basic of calculations were a lot more common than I'd previously thought. A lot of other PhDs feel like that and it did help me to not beat myself up so much nor question my ability to do it so much. I hope some of this is reassuring.
Thank you for your message brightspark.... it really helped! :)
I couldn't tell my supervisor today, we met so quickly... I'm so scared of telling him my situation... I just think he'll say something like "there's no place for depressed people in this group" or "you have to be motivated otherwise what are you doing here?". I don't know I imagine his face with a funny look at me it just makes so anxious...
How did it go with your supervisor btw?
I feel completely the same as you.... why am I not the same as I was as an undergrad!?
Hugs!!!:hugs:
Hi brightspark
Indeed alcohol doesn't help at all to feel good. Try to keep you far from it. If you feel you can't control it, at least now don't go to pubs... try to do things that doesn't ivolve alcohol and hang out with people that don't drink. I know this is hard, but if alcohol is making you feel bad, is not worth it... even more if you have a close experience with it :(
Chin up! you can do it!
:hugs:
Hi brightspark
It's good that you feel reasured. To be honest I'm not doing very well now. I keep on thinking so much that this is not for me. Secundary effects of fluoxetine are making this difficult... even more.
But I really really want to feel good again, will keep on fighting... I'm fed up of feeling rubish!! :mad:
Hi guys,
Just wanted to check in. I'm on day 27 of Fluoxetine now, and I have to say I feel a good bit better. All of the side effects have, for the most part, gone now. I've been able to do some work this last week and managed to genuinely enjoy myself this weekend at a friends wedding. I'm still in a bit of a practical mess with work, career, finance - and with the strain this whole period has put on my relationship, but I feel better placed to handle it now. I don't know whether this is the ADs or if it's just a better period of mood happening naturally. By way of encouragement for others, I have to say that Fluoxetine does appear to be having a genuinely positive effect on me and that many of the things I was concerned about with regards to side effects have not been a problem e.g. no sexual side effects, I can still have a drink at weekends, no ridiculous mood swings. Certainly the week of anxiety I had between weeks 2 and 3 was absolutely terrible - a bit of which has been played out live on this thread! - but it appears that it was only temporary.
I'm in the process of trying to rebuild things now. Got a 6 month sabbatical from my PhD. Going to take 2 months off and work in a pub, then push to finish it over a 9 month period. Hoping that in the meantime I'll be able to repair things with my girlfriend. I'm also going for CBT some time over the next few weeks, which I hope will be helpful. I'm trying to keep a note of caution in my mind during this period - there's been times in the past where I've thought to myself 'I'm fine now, it's all over' only to become suicidal again after an instance of stress. I find that this is the way it goes for me - up and down over periods of 1-2 weeks. This is something I hope the ADs and therapy can regulate a bit more. As always, now that I'm feeling a bit better I'm left with a niggling feeling of embarrassment about how I've behaved and a worry that people who've seen me this way will think less of me. This is something I've got to work hard at dropping from my mind, because, while there may even be some truth in it, it's not a way of thinking that's going to help me - or anyone else for that matter.
I'm still far from fine and I've a lot of work to do (in every sense) before I can get myself in a better position. But, I know I'm doing the right thing now by seeking treatment. Everyone's Fluoxetine experiences seem to vary, but my one is definitely a positive one so far. I've kept a wee diary of how things have went for me over the course of taking the ADs. I think in a few weeks I'll post a new tread on here. I know that when I was debating whether to take them or not and when I was really struggling with the side effects that it really meant a lot to me to read encouraging experiences from others on here.
Good luck to everyone.
Good work, you people. Hope it continues. :)
Ah well, I probably spoke too soon on this. I've had a nice 4-5 days, but there's no mistaking that I feel utterly depressed again. It's funny, because I go through these periods of utter misery, then I make new plans and try to rebuild things, but now I have to sit down and carry out those plans - and reality hits me again. I find myself either doing nothing and being bored/miserable, or trying to do a bit of PhD work, which makes me realise that I absolutely do not enjoy any part of my working life. I hate being isolated in an office or library, speaking or interacting with no one - just me against the thesis. I hate how stressed my lack of progress makes me. On top of that, I'm going to have to get a low paid job just so that I can stay afloat and finance this piece of work that I hate - with no notion if this will be a massive waste of time or not. I hate not being able to be carefree. I hate feeling like I have no prospects and that I can't make plans/have dreams. I hate feeling that I haven't found my place in the world. I hate feeling scared at the prospect of any new challenges. I hate what this has done to my relationship, which I now feel is potentially on the rocks. I hate that this may mean I have to move out and find a new place to live. I can't imagine how lonely I'd be without my girlfriend. I can't imagine how I would work things financially if I had to move. I hate feeling like I have nothing stable in my life, having gone from star student and popular guy to the person that my friends are 'worried about', and from financially stable to completely broke. I hate being a burden. The repercussions of this whole period have the potential to be massive. I can imagine spending the rest of my life in bitter regret about how I didn't make the right career choices and how I lost the girl that I loved most in the world.
How the hell do you break out of these thought patterns? How do you stop them ruining your life? Honestly, for the first 27 1/2 years of my life I had no notion of what unhappiness was. I literally couldn't have comprehended what it meant to be depressed. A non depressed person's frame of reference is so different. No one could really understand unless they were going through it. Even when I have my good periods I forget what it was like. I gloss over it all. It's only when I start to go through a dark period that I'm reminded of just how bad it is. I'm so up and down. I could feel terrible in the morning only to feel ok by evening. I could be fine one day and suicidal the next. I'm doing everything that you're supposed to do to help myself: taking ADs, getting CBT, exercising, eating well, talking to friends, not isolating myself but it doesn't seem to make a dent. I've got all this emotional support - but no one can do anything practical to help me. And I need help - this is no way to live a life.
EP - Hello there.:)
Our current histories can only meet on a superficial level, I've simply no conception as to the amount of work you need to do to complete your assignments/Thesis etc. (Good luck anyway).
However, I DO know what a blank sheet of paper looks like - or blank computer screen these days - horrible, springs to mind.:D
So, whatever you need to do with your PhD work, make notes.
Take a blank sheet of paper and write down 5 things that you Deffo need to include in your written work. That's a start. Leave space under your 5 headings to jot in extra info. Before you know it, you'll have at least some pointers to work with.
I know how hard it is to get motivated, believe me, I KNOW how difficult it is just breathing sometimes.
Get the pen, get the paper, make a start. Leave the paper where you can see it...let it irritate you into action...c'mon, get to it. :)
Hi Bosher, I appreciate the input, I really do. But, I've tried every writing tactic there is. Sometimes I wonder what I'm worried about and feel convinced that I'll be able to pap a passable PhD out. And sometimes I face this horrible bleakness when I look at it. It's not the piece of work per se that I have the problem with. I mean it is difficult, no doubt about that. But, it's everything that goes on and has went on around it. I've stopped valuing my subject area to be honest. I don't see much point in it. This happened even before I got depressed. My lack of value has affect my performance. It's made me mess around a bit. I don't see myself as being comfortable within academia at all. Previously I had a bit of money put away to perhaps give me some options at a bit of a career change, but this year I've had a few financial disasters, my parents are facing financial problems and health problems also. I feel like my foundations have been shaken from under me. Everything that was once strong in my life is now weak. This has affected fundamental parts of my personality. It's made me a misery to live with and has affected my relationship. It really has been a nightmare. And every day I get myself up and try to motivate myself to do some work - and most days I think to myself 'how on Earth did I get myself into this position?'
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