ANG3LIC
11-06-12, 22:21
Im new ish, ive introduced myself but want to tell you all my full story, i never done that b4, i think it be good 4me aswell as giving u all clearer insight into 'me'.ive cut it short as can, not every single thing/detail here.
Im 34, 35 in couple days on 14th june, i have 13yr old daughter. i have older brother called 'm' n a younger half brother called 'p'. my dad died suddenly in 1997, my grandama n gan [grandad is word i cud never say lol] died, gan 1999, grandma 2006, i lived with them from being 6-7 :) , my mum is still with my half brothers dad adrian, been sibnce i was 5-7 yr old.
my 1st memory is of my brother 3yr older than me 'm' hurting me, he mentally, emotionall n physically abused me since i was in nappies until ..well now;but i made a stand few year ago.
my dad was violent/cruel to my mum, but he never hurt m or me, i loved/love him, b4 they split i remember him pulling mums hair, swearing, hitting, m remembers her being thrown naked out in snow while dad threw cold water n snow at her, i have lots vivid memorys ..but uy get the picture.
i remember being a baby sitting on a rocking chair with m mum try take r photo, mark was nippin me so i was crying, mum kept tellin me be good etc, he would maske marks all over me but i was terrified of him, if he said ;gema slit ur wrist or drown yaself o jump off that bridge etc,, i would have done it no hesitation.
my gan was my saviour i loved thir visits. aged bout 4-5 mum n dad split, mum, mark , me got house near grandparents.
I had share bedroom with mark, id wake up during darkness at night with a pillow over my face, sure he was gonna kill me, he was into kung foo, i was made stand behind big punch bag while he layed into it n me, , he would beat me like i was a lad not his lil sister, apart from beatings hed make me dance infront his mates [was bit older still under 10 ish, if i didnt hed make me eat dog food, once he made me have boulders with hot knives [canabis] i was out my head n scared death, i still ended up getting burnt by hot knife, i rem he made me stand on top rabbit hutch in garden n scream top my voice ..****off, shit, ****, ******* etc words id never ever said, neighbours come out asked if i ok, mark laffing behind door saying carry on.. so i kept swearing, i had maggotts down my back, said no one will find me bottom canal many times, he had pairs knun chakas..[martial art two sticks with chain in middle] he used on me, i rem having stand still in garden as his target while he threw ninja stars at me. myt mum never seemed notice..ignorance is bliss;;; she knew he was bully n often giv him a tellin off for things ie- pushin through glass door, hurtin me so bad needed hospital several times, i used have code with my gan if i rang him 3times hed come for me so i cud sleep there... aww bliss.
still saw dad every couple weeks but slowed down, then mum met adrian, he was ok til had foot in door, was made clear he hated mark n me, paul was born..wow i loved him soooo much, things getting too much the abuse, n adrian, gan said for joke gem mite as well bloody move in wi us... n next thing i know i did hooray!!!! but adrian was not all that good hed sorta nade mum choose, mark n me or him n baby paul.. . i was estactic living at grandma n gans, mark was kicked out later n grandma tried let him stay but too much after lot messing n he had go back to mums.
One day i was going to mums to see her n paul n from street heard mum screaming, paul who was a toddler screaming, i went in to find paul scared crawlin on floor, mum a mess on bed while adrian had steel bar from wardrobe hitting her, i ran to gans, police come, mum got adrian out, he came back n threats made n thay still together now. i know now he does not hit my mum, but hes still very much in control, when mum stayed hospital with me when i in labour n needed emergency c sec with my daughter, 4pm-just after midnite..he totally ignored my mum for 3weeks. he has never allowed me or my mums grandchild-my daughter.. into his n mums house, i remember one xmas mia bout 7 she really wanted grandma to see her doll i drove to my mums xmas day, mia n i was left to talk hushed on doorstep in rain for few mins b4 mum had to go in, n through window mia n i could see all adrians family n his young grandson in his pjs at window, one the adults even pulled a face..i was fuming, i spent many years hating, mum n wanting her love at same time, now i love her tooo bits, n understand her reasoning ish but we still not akllowed in house!
anyway growing uip mark put me through hell, once my gan stood in front of me, bless him mark knocked him flying breaking his collar bone then beating me unconcious, n breaking my finger n ribs. silly i still loved mark so much, i do anything for him .
teenage time was awful, i was obviously mentally ill but didnt understand, i slashed my wrists several times, i also took over mixture 100 pills, sleepers, pain killers, anythin n everythin, apparently i was found half dead behind a wall.i got run over breaking my feuma n other injuries..it was NOT an accident,
mark give me methodone [i was lucky i never od], pills, amphetamine, i liked that i lost weight. when i had my own house few houses down from my gans i even let him stay when hed come out prison, god it was hell!!! he was selling/using class A drugs, my lovely home became horrid, one time we were watchin tv he suddenly said '' wat fuk u scowling at''..i was terrified tried to tell him i wasant, he beat me for hours i was black blue, i just wanted get out go to grandmas, he locked me in, his peace offering which he forced me to take was to have lots n lots of heroin, id not had it b4, i felt so ill, terrified, thelines /pattern on my wallpaper was swaying, i run upstairs was sick, after months of this n more, i had be strong get injunction so while he was out i had locks changed police were gonna fit a panik button... ... when mark eventually seen me outside after days of terrifying harrassment..he beat me so bad , told everyone i was a grass etc, i was glad wen he finally went back tprison,
i only had 1 well 1 major violent partner, tyhe worst night my life , i said something n nothing he fliped i was beat tortured for 48 hours, if i moved hed burn me, i couldnt see my eyes bleedin so sore i tried jump out my bedroom window... thats how i looked at my dads funeral [the bf was soon gone with help, my dad died suddenly i was 20 yr old, i was back with grandna n gan n home..my dad left money mark had his n took most mine.. but i found new friends.. herin addicts... thy liked me cos i had cash..i was dumb... i got a habit, at 1st drugs numbed me no pain, but soon no money , no mates n a habit.
i lost my gan 1999, i would followed him as id planned 4 years but i had a 2month old gorgeous miricle baby girl... my heaven sent daughter ..who now 13 soon. my grandma died to.
i would not be here today if i did nt have my daughter... she is why i could never commit suicide.
im lonely, i want so much to fall in love, everyday is a battle.
this is just a taster ive left out alot major things.
my gan was my soul mate, my hero, my everything, as was my gran but my gan n i had special bond
Im 34, 35 in couple days on 14th june, i have 13yr old daughter. i have older brother called 'm' n a younger half brother called 'p'. my dad died suddenly in 1997, my grandama n gan [grandad is word i cud never say lol] died, gan 1999, grandma 2006, i lived with them from being 6-7 :) , my mum is still with my half brothers dad adrian, been sibnce i was 5-7 yr old.
my 1st memory is of my brother 3yr older than me 'm' hurting me, he mentally, emotionall n physically abused me since i was in nappies until ..well now;but i made a stand few year ago.
my dad was violent/cruel to my mum, but he never hurt m or me, i loved/love him, b4 they split i remember him pulling mums hair, swearing, hitting, m remembers her being thrown naked out in snow while dad threw cold water n snow at her, i have lots vivid memorys ..but uy get the picture.
i remember being a baby sitting on a rocking chair with m mum try take r photo, mark was nippin me so i was crying, mum kept tellin me be good etc, he would maske marks all over me but i was terrified of him, if he said ;gema slit ur wrist or drown yaself o jump off that bridge etc,, i would have done it no hesitation.
my gan was my saviour i loved thir visits. aged bout 4-5 mum n dad split, mum, mark , me got house near grandparents.
I had share bedroom with mark, id wake up during darkness at night with a pillow over my face, sure he was gonna kill me, he was into kung foo, i was made stand behind big punch bag while he layed into it n me, , he would beat me like i was a lad not his lil sister, apart from beatings hed make me dance infront his mates [was bit older still under 10 ish, if i didnt hed make me eat dog food, once he made me have boulders with hot knives [canabis] i was out my head n scared death, i still ended up getting burnt by hot knife, i rem he made me stand on top rabbit hutch in garden n scream top my voice ..****off, shit, ****, ******* etc words id never ever said, neighbours come out asked if i ok, mark laffing behind door saying carry on.. so i kept swearing, i had maggotts down my back, said no one will find me bottom canal many times, he had pairs knun chakas..[martial art two sticks with chain in middle] he used on me, i rem having stand still in garden as his target while he threw ninja stars at me. myt mum never seemed notice..ignorance is bliss;;; she knew he was bully n often giv him a tellin off for things ie- pushin through glass door, hurtin me so bad needed hospital several times, i used have code with my gan if i rang him 3times hed come for me so i cud sleep there... aww bliss.
still saw dad every couple weeks but slowed down, then mum met adrian, he was ok til had foot in door, was made clear he hated mark n me, paul was born..wow i loved him soooo much, things getting too much the abuse, n adrian, gan said for joke gem mite as well bloody move in wi us... n next thing i know i did hooray!!!! but adrian was not all that good hed sorta nade mum choose, mark n me or him n baby paul.. . i was estactic living at grandma n gans, mark was kicked out later n grandma tried let him stay but too much after lot messing n he had go back to mums.
One day i was going to mums to see her n paul n from street heard mum screaming, paul who was a toddler screaming, i went in to find paul scared crawlin on floor, mum a mess on bed while adrian had steel bar from wardrobe hitting her, i ran to gans, police come, mum got adrian out, he came back n threats made n thay still together now. i know now he does not hit my mum, but hes still very much in control, when mum stayed hospital with me when i in labour n needed emergency c sec with my daughter, 4pm-just after midnite..he totally ignored my mum for 3weeks. he has never allowed me or my mums grandchild-my daughter.. into his n mums house, i remember one xmas mia bout 7 she really wanted grandma to see her doll i drove to my mums xmas day, mia n i was left to talk hushed on doorstep in rain for few mins b4 mum had to go in, n through window mia n i could see all adrians family n his young grandson in his pjs at window, one the adults even pulled a face..i was fuming, i spent many years hating, mum n wanting her love at same time, now i love her tooo bits, n understand her reasoning ish but we still not akllowed in house!
anyway growing uip mark put me through hell, once my gan stood in front of me, bless him mark knocked him flying breaking his collar bone then beating me unconcious, n breaking my finger n ribs. silly i still loved mark so much, i do anything for him .
teenage time was awful, i was obviously mentally ill but didnt understand, i slashed my wrists several times, i also took over mixture 100 pills, sleepers, pain killers, anythin n everythin, apparently i was found half dead behind a wall.i got run over breaking my feuma n other injuries..it was NOT an accident,
mark give me methodone [i was lucky i never od], pills, amphetamine, i liked that i lost weight. when i had my own house few houses down from my gans i even let him stay when hed come out prison, god it was hell!!! he was selling/using class A drugs, my lovely home became horrid, one time we were watchin tv he suddenly said '' wat fuk u scowling at''..i was terrified tried to tell him i wasant, he beat me for hours i was black blue, i just wanted get out go to grandmas, he locked me in, his peace offering which he forced me to take was to have lots n lots of heroin, id not had it b4, i felt so ill, terrified, thelines /pattern on my wallpaper was swaying, i run upstairs was sick, after months of this n more, i had be strong get injunction so while he was out i had locks changed police were gonna fit a panik button... ... when mark eventually seen me outside after days of terrifying harrassment..he beat me so bad , told everyone i was a grass etc, i was glad wen he finally went back tprison,
i only had 1 well 1 major violent partner, tyhe worst night my life , i said something n nothing he fliped i was beat tortured for 48 hours, if i moved hed burn me, i couldnt see my eyes bleedin so sore i tried jump out my bedroom window... thats how i looked at my dads funeral [the bf was soon gone with help, my dad died suddenly i was 20 yr old, i was back with grandna n gan n home..my dad left money mark had his n took most mine.. but i found new friends.. herin addicts... thy liked me cos i had cash..i was dumb... i got a habit, at 1st drugs numbed me no pain, but soon no money , no mates n a habit.
i lost my gan 1999, i would followed him as id planned 4 years but i had a 2month old gorgeous miricle baby girl... my heaven sent daughter ..who now 13 soon. my grandma died to.
i would not be here today if i did nt have my daughter... she is why i could never commit suicide.
im lonely, i want so much to fall in love, everyday is a battle.
this is just a taster ive left out alot major things.
my gan was my soul mate, my hero, my everything, as was my gran but my gan n i had special bond