will my mother ever change

[R.Barratt]

i really do love my mum. we have never had a good relationship but i still crave her love attention positivity etc.
but she sees to have always resented me. maybe because she had me young and felt her life was cut short or maybe because shes ill and cant seem to handle things not going her way and not being under her control.
i want to cut her out of my life as all she does is dig at me and turn things around to make me sound like the worst child ever and yet her a saint.
when i was sexually abused i went to her years later and she did nothing when i have mentioned it since she either blames me or says i am lieing. i had started a good relationship with my dad but now she even calls him and trys to turn him against me.
all i want is her love but she seems to want me always in tears alone with nothing basically with no reason to live. why would she hate me so much when all i ever try to do is please her. yes of course i have done things wrong but do i deserve this having to live on my own from the age of 16 and having to deal with my sexual abuse and constant rejection from her all on my own
am i really that evil

[yvonne_uk_98]

no your not evil, you deserve better than this. sorry to hear that your going through this. I wish I could take all this away from you. and wave magic wand and make it all go away. sadly I can not. thank you for sharing that takes strength. :hugs:

You are a lovely person, you are worth it. dont give up.

thinking of you.

[Lousicle]

You sound very headstrong , smart & grown up , u are not evil don't ever let anyone make u think that because from your post it sounds like ure mom has always been a bit unreasonable.
Have u ever sat her down & calmly told her how u feel without it turning into an argument order bringing up past experiences?
It sounds like she's holding in a lot of anger which does not mean it is because of u.
Sometimes people take a lot out on the person they love the most , because they are too scared to feel that much love. If ure mom had u young aswel , it must of been very hard for her.
I really do think u need to have a sit down with her , if she starts shouting or saying hurtful things , remain calm , try not to cry (which is hard I know) & just stay silent until she is finished whatever she is saying , then when she has finished tell her how hurt u are & how much u love her.

If it carries on & she still continues to treat u this way , the best thing would be to stop contact , that will be so hard , but there will come a time when u will of just had enough , there has to be that cut off point , & maybe that would make her realise how much she does love u.
Because a mother could never not love her kids , no matter what the circumstances. There is always thaat love inside , even if she doesn't show it.
U don't deserve any of it sweetheart , but u are brave & strong , always remember that!
Xxx

[R.Barratt]

thank you
I do try and sit down with her write to her etc but she just says I'm making things up or conspiring against her. I do love her but I also need to look after myself because no one else is. I desperately want to have a good relationship with her but I have tryed for so long and she won't let me she just shuts me out. God its so frustrating I just want her to love me

[yvonne_uk_98]

can understand what is feels like to be told your making this up, being pushed away. this is so horrible. so sorry your going through this. You are so strong. thank you for sharing takes strength to share. :hugs:

this will be hard to do, need to give yourself some time away from your mum, to help yourself get through this difficult time, you can do this. with support from here and the links that I gave you.

thinking of you.

[Lousicle]

We all understand and are here to support u :hugs: be strong Hun xxxx

[R.Barratt]

my plan is too get a new hone that she doesnt have the number to so i wont have to deal with all the nsaty things seh says to me on a daily basis i am also hoping having no contact with me for at least a month will really shock her.
i just wish i hadnt had to grow up so fast i feel like i have just dealt with so much crap in my life and i am only 17 but i guess thats just life and you just have to make the best out of the situation youve got xxxx

[RosieXXX]

Hello,

I think that is a good plan; your Mother has to realise you are not prepared to put up with her verbal abuse. I know how desperate you are to have a relationship with her, and how difficult this must be for you, but by doing this you are taking control of a bad situation, and i do hope she will realise how distructive she is being. My heart goes out to you, and I really do hope your Mother will come to realise what a very special person you are x

[eeyorelover]

I went thru this for years. Not to the extreme you have hun but my Mom and I were never really close and she could be very harsh with her remarks to me.
I had to accept it for what it was and stop trying to change it into the relationship I wished I had with her.
So much of my time was wasted before that realization on trying to make things right but inevitably it never worked out and then I felt guilty because why couldn't I make her love me the way I needed to be loved, or accept me for who I am?!

As my Grandmother says "you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear".

It took a lot of years but now my Mom and I have a better relationship. Partly I believe because I let go of the ideal I dreamed of and accepted her for who she is and also accepted that there are emotional "things" she will never be able to give me but resigning myself to accept what she can wholeheartedly.
xxx
Sandy

[purplesky]

One thing I took from some therapy I had a while back was that we cannot change how other people are, but we can try to change how we are or react to them.

Those words may sound glib, particularly when the relationship is so difficult and emotions are sensitive, but when you think about it, they do kind of make sense, to all of us really.

We can't change how people think or act, but we can change how we react to them.

Now, I don't know how to do that, because it will be different for different people, but I found that simple sentence made a lot of sense (after much reflection that is!).

And I'm not saying its easy either, believe me, I really am not. You probably need help with that at some point, but I found that it really helped me in my relationships with family. it made me start to think I had some control back, which is important in any relationship where we might feel we have no control.

I hope you can find some help and support with this. All the best :)

[R.Barratt]

i understand that sentence definetly helps because its true. i just want love but i know i wont get it from her so right now i just have to be strong and realise what i do have rather than focus on all the negatives. but nmp has helped so much for when i need to rant or whatever so thank you for all your advice. i dont feel very special right now but i know i dont want this crappy relationship to carry on anymore xxxx

[purplesky]

I hope you find the right support and things start to improve. All the best :)