back to square one?

[kittikat]

So, I have been making some progress in the right direction over the last few weeks, having CBT, (10 sessions so far) and even managed to slowly reduced diaz from 12mg day to 9. I had this feeling I was actually getting somewhere at last. More good days than bad, more able to handle the anxiety. The panic attacks have become fewer and less severe too and I have even made some progress getting out into the big wide world 'pushing the boundaries'. I actually thought I was finally 'cracking' this.

However, when I got up for work yesterday, I was consumed with anxiety, feelings of doom, sick to the pit of my stomach and pounding headache. I eventually gave in and called in sick, unable to 'face the world'. So I'm having a blip....it will pass, I will be back on track tomorrow. Couldn't shake the feelings & all the CBT stuff went out the window. By last night, I was feeling a little better and confident that I would return to work today. Unfortunately, the same thing has happened to me again this morning and I just cannot shake this feeling. My mind is all over the place and I am an anxious wreck :wacko:

What has happened to me? I have spent the last 5 months climbing my way back up from a really bad place and all of a sudden, I seem to be falling back down again. Yes, I've had my blips along the way and it certainly hasn't been easy, but today I feel knocked for six, upset and actually quite disappointed in myself (I'm really trying not to be too hard on myself here). I know how well I have done, I just can't understand why I am sitting here today almost back to square one :doh:

[theharvestmouse]

Hi Kitti, this could have been written by myself, I'm in the same boat, 6 months of battling my way to relative 'normality' and the last week or so I feel as though its crumbling away from beneath my feet. Its just a blip, you have think that it is and that you'll get over it and carry on from there.

I don't know what else to say, because its just like a vicious cycle.

[kittikat]

Thanks harvestmouse. Sorry to hear you are having a bad time too :hugs:

Anxiety sucks....nuff said!! :lac:

[BobbyDog]

When you suffer from anxiety the slightest thing can upset your balance, one negative feeling or situation.

I too have been having a bad time of recent, but like yourself am about to embark on a course of CBT, you have obviously put a lot of hard work into getting better, stay positive and be kind to yourself.

Tomorrow is another day and it will be a good one!

[JT69]

Hi Kittie

So sorry to hear you are having a bit of a bad time at the moment. Please dont think you are back at square one cos honest you arnt. You have made such a lot of progress over the past few months and this is just a blip.

I have always thought of it like climbing a ladder you start at the bottom get half way up and fall a few steps back again then you climb again get almost to the top and fall down a few more steps until you reach the top...but you have lots of blips along the way and even when you do reach that top you still have times when you fall back down again but never right to the bottom...remember that!! It may feel like you are back at the bottom but you have just dropped down a few steps again!!

I know that you will come through this again and start back up that ladder.

Sending you lots of positive thoughts, hugs and love.:hugs::hugs::hugs:

Take care of you and remember we are all here for you.

JO.xx

[Pipkin]

Hi Kitti,

Sorry you're having a bad time of it this week.

What you've proved to yourself is that you can do it and there's no reason you can't get straight back on track. Everybody has good and bad days/weeks, even those who don't suffer from anxiety as we do. We'd be robots otherwise and we definitely don't live in Stepford (well I don't anyway). It's just that we anxiety sufferers think that life's natural downs (as opposed to ups) are a major relapse. They only become that because we think that's what they are and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You're going to be absolutely fine. As I've said to you before, the things I've learnt through CBT have a tendency to go out of the window when I'm having a real crisis but that's part of the learning curve. We need to learn to use the techniques even when we're at our worst.

Take care and let us know how you're doing.

Pip xxx

[terror-x]

kittikat dont slow down go through it like its not happened like you said it was just a blip ignore it and go on with full force dont let nothing stop you :)

[Pipkin]

Kitti - how are you now? I hope you're feeling a bit better.

Pip xxx

[kittikat]

Thank you all for your replies and kind words of encouragement.

Jo, thanks for the hugs :hugs: xx

Pip, I don't live in Stepford either :roflmao: thanks for making me laugh!! xx

I am practicing all the CBT techniques (had to take an extra 1mg diaz today :lac:)
and I am determined to pick myself back up, get to work tomorrrow and face this thing head on. I am feeling a little more positive this evening :yesyes: Thanks.

Kitti :)

[Pipkin]

Kitti,

Good to see you're more positive - I find that there's nothing better than work to distract me and I inevitably feel better for going. I know you will go in tomorrow.

Hope you're feeling better in the morning. I'll be sending you positive vibes (in between chasing the puppy around the house shouting drop it).

Take care

Pip xxx

[kittikat]

Aww....thank you Pip, I'll be thinking about you too, chasing little Freddie around, that will keep me positive :)

You are so right about the work distracting you. I'd be out of my mind if I stay home tomorrow. Bring on the stress, I can handle it!!

Thanks again, much appreciated.

Kitti x

[blue moon]

Hi kitti:DI do hope you feel better today,has there been anything that has bothered you lately to trigger this off,are you getting enough sleep and diet ok?Keep trying to keep the negative thoughts away..
Love Petra xx:hugs:

[JT69]

Hi Kitti,

Wondered how you were today? I guess you took the bull by the horns and went into work. I always find work a huge distraction. When I suffered big time I used to wake every morning and feel absolutely crap and felt I couldnt face work but once I had forced myself out of bed showered and in I went and before I knew it all the horrible feelings had disappeared!!

I do hope you are ok and having a better day.:)

Jo.xx

[kittikat]

Thanks all....I made it to work today but quite frankly I am just not feeling the love....very 'spaced out' and unable to concentrate :wacko:

Will catch up properly later, thanks for the support Petra & Jo :hugs: xx

[JT69]

Hi Kitti

Well done!!! At least you went in...thats the main thing. Its natural to feel spaced out etc...I know in the past I have been in work and feel like I am in twilight zone if you know what I mean...wierd...but have got through...and you will too.

Big pat on the back to you.

Take care
Jo.xx

[kittikat]

Aww, thanks Jo :hugs:

Thats exactly how I felt actually, in the twilight zone :roflmao: what a great way to describe it!! Anyway, got through the day....ok (ish) and I think it was for the best. Hoping it won't be so hard to get out the door tomorrow....onwards & forwards :yesyes:

Thanks hun xx Kitti xx

[blue moon]

Hi kitti......You sounding more positive,and you WILL get through the day.
Love Petra xx:hugs:

[kittikat]

Thank you Petra,:hugs: I am feeling much better tonight.

I am going to slow down my diaz reduction a little as I think I'm trying to run before I can walk (that false sense of security you get when you had a few good days and achieved some of your goals :mad:) Sometimes pushing the boundaries is not as easy as you think....back to baby steps for me.....slowly but surely.....

Love Kitti xx :flowers: xx

[Pipkin]

Kitti,

Good for you - I know you'll feel so much better for being at work. You're right to take small steps. It's so easy to be lulled into a false sense of security when things are going well and it's often 2 steps forward, 1 step back but you're definitely going in the right direction.

Have a good day at work and let us know how you get on.

Take care

Pip xxx

[JT69]

Hi Kitti,

Thats the spirit!!! Onwards and upwards...baby steps and all that!!

Today will be easier...you have done the hard part.

Hope you have a better day.:)

Jo.xx

[nantia]

I know that feeling very well. When you are at home by yourself you can build up all the confidence needed and feel ready but then when you actually go out to face the world things don't go as expected and you retreat back in your shell.

What I would say though is that it's a good step that you decided to go back to work. I believe that it's a matter of time to get used to that environment again, just find a though, place, sound, anything that can make you feel at home and relax. The more you try it the better it's going to get.

I hope you're feeling better today. :)

[kittikat]

Aww, thank you nantia.

You are so right, day 2 back at work was much easier and I am feeling much less anxious now. Fingers crossed!!

Kitti :)

[nantia]

:) That's a good thing to hear! I wish you all the best. :hugs:

[blue moon]

Good on you kitti,one day at a time.:hugs:xx

[JT69]

Hi Kitti,

Well done you!!

Really pleased for you.:D

Jo.xx

[angel wings]

Hi Kitti
Im sorry you haven't been to good Hun and glad to hear you are on the up again it it so annoying when you have been feeling a bit better to be knocked back ,im a bit the same at the moment i have had a good few weeks up till now which is the longest i have felt semi normal in years but this week ive been a bit up and down again,really frustrating have lost my confidence again ahhh hopefully i will find it again soon.
Glad you managed to go back to work though always good to have a distraction wishing you all the best and so pleased you are feeling better xxx:)

[kittikat]

Aww, thank you everyone for your kind words of support and encouragement. It really does mean a lot to me.

I have spoken to my GP today who thinks that some of this wobble was probably due to the withdrawal programme I am following (he is allowing me to do it at my own pace, but I think I'm trying to run before I can walk as usual :doh:) He wants me to stabalise on 8mg daily for 3 weeks and we'll review the situation at my next appointment. I am going to see him again in 2 weeks. I am happy with his suggestion and feel it's the right thing to do just now. CBT is going well and my therapist has just text me to say she has negotiated extra sessions for me which will be really helpful too.

Angel.....it's a long hard slog of ups and downs hun, I know exactly where you are coming from. It really does knock your confidence, but you are strong and you will pick yourself back up as I have. Sending lots of positive vibes to you xxx :flowers: :hugs:

Thank again, and hope you are all doing well too....stay strong everyone. Kitti :) x

[Celuwen]

Recovery can often hit you a bit like this, I've found. It's three steps forwards and two steps back sometimes.

[shihaiai]

:scared15: