View Full Version : not trusting diagnosis, 'anticipation' anxiety
I've seen myself countless time on this forum. I know it's HA. I do just fine, until something triggers it...and something did! I vary from worrying about my own health to that of my children, which is where it's been for the past 2 months. Minor symptoms invoke terror, and I always go to worst case scenario in 2.3 seconds! During the past 2 months, I've doubted 3 drs, and the disease has varied from one to 3 types of cancer...latest melanoma. We always have yearly skin checks, and before the visit, I compare the moles with previous photos taken for this purpose. Both kids had something that appeared to have 'changed', and one had a small lump under one mole area (mole didn't seem any different though). So luckily, I hadn't compared the old photos until the night before so I only had one night to freak out while waiting for appt. I told my husband about it, and he wasn't the least but worried! He said, 'that's no reason to jump to the worst case scenario". I said, " Are you kidding me!! This is the exact time to jump to the worse case scenario!" So the next day, of course during the visit, they said nothing was unusual with either child and the lump had nothing to do with the mole,it felt just like a small lymph node that can be enlarged for any reason. So I left feeling somewhat better...then..the doubts came in that evening. We didn't see the actual Dr...we saw the phys assistant (who I know will get the dr if she's uncertain, and she didn't do this), so of course I think she's not experienced enough. And how does she know the node wasn't swollen because it was coming from the mole right next to it...cancer spreads to close nodes..everyone knows that (why didn't she!). Did she even really 'look' at the mole itself to be sure it looked ok, or was she more interested in feeling the bump I told her to check? And she said nodes aren't a concern as they go up and down, but of course if it's still there in 2 months get it rechecked....so you all know where that leads me! I know one of my problems is also 'anticipation' anxiety...and this will be tough. I will be always waiting for the time when the lump gets bigger, or the other child's mole grows suddenly, as if it's inevitable. Any suggestions as to how you 'wait', without expecting the worse case scenario?? And how do you 'trust'? I know this HA is a component of OCD, so doubting is natural. But what do you find helps?
I make a list of my feelings/worries and then write a rational response next to them. This is a CBT type exercise that helps you to put thoughts in perspective.
Also, worrying is unproductive - it gets you nowhere. You have taken the appropriate action - the check-up - the next appropriate action is to wait and continue to be vigilant. Remember, thoughts aren't facts. I try to look for the facts, because what I think is neither here nor there, it's just a thought in my head.
Thanks for that suggestion. I have been trying to come up with the more rational explanations to my fears, but it's tough! I know what you mean about thoughts not being real 'facts'. That's the strange part of this whole disorder...one part of the mind seems to know what I'm thinking isn't rational, and if someone else were telling me they are worried about something similar to what I'm feeling, I would be able to immediately see it's health anxiety. But when it comes to my own anxious thoughts, I can't think rationally, and the fear spins out of control. What you suggest is something I've always had a hard time doing...the old adage of, if you hear hoofs, think horses, whereas I always think zebras!
worry wart
13-06-12, 21:21
Hi there,
OMG I was reading this thinking maybe I had written this. I do the exact same thing and I know 100% it's HA but it doesn't stop the thoughts coming, escallating and then completely controlling you. I have had HA and OCD for 15 years now so I am VERY good at finding what I think are 'holes' in the Doctor's diagnosis or in my own rationalising for example. I have had CBT and know what works and what doesn't...it's just the doing it that's hard! Have you had CBT? I really feel for you as I know how utterly terrifying it is when HA has you in it's grip. I would be happy to outline what really helps me?
---------- Post added at 21:21 ---------- Previous post was at 20:57 ----------
2 things help me:
1) I allow myself 15 minutes (you can pick a time limit but strictly no more than 20 mins a day and I literally set my alarm so I can't go a second over) 'worry time'. I sit in the same chair with a notebook and write down all my thoughts, worries, rationalisation, counterarguments, fears etc. Then I put the book away and every time throughout the day when I try to think about it or start worrying, which is hundreds of times, I sternly say in my head....'save it for worry time!' You have to be very strict and don't let yourself talk yourself into having 5 more minutes etc. This helps to contain the worries so they don't completely engulf me.
2) I always try to 'deal with what you KNOW' This is sort of a motto of mine. The Doctor has had years of intense training and they have accountability, if not only in the fact they are human and wouldn't risk your health or the health of your child whatsoever. You KNOW it doesn't appear sinister as the Doctor checked it and you KNOW the Doctor/Assistant is qualified/had extensive training and mentoring etc. I realise I am now reassuring you which is wrong in the long run but I know how much turmoil you are in so can't help it :) On the subject of reassurance seeking..which is what I do in every form possible, from 'google-ing' to going to the Docs etc. It is always wrong! It never works in the long run and it only makes the problem worse. Once you have gotten reassurance about this particular issue that you are obsessing about...another thought pops into your head invalidating the reassurance. Reassurance seeking is like our drug...we get the high and euphoria when we have just received it, but it soon wears off and then we need another 'hit'. I have even left the Doctors Office, got to the car park and then thought of something that invalidates it and walked straight back in to the Surgery to see the Doc again!! You really need CBT if you haven't gotten any, and if you have gotten it and it didn't work, get another CBT Therapist, it's the only thing that will help change the way you think. I have a Daughter and what scares the life out of me is her getting HA and going thru the living hell I have had to go thru. Use that thought to make you strong...you can do it and you certainly aren't alone :) p.s sorry for the essay! :bighug1:
I know it's terrible to say it, as I hate to think others feel the same way, but it's such a relief knowing I'm not alone! I have had therapy, and she said it's CBT, but I never felt like we did anything other than me just talk about what's going on. She recommended a couple books that have a few worksheets, but it seems if it doesn't directly apply to what I 'do' or 'think' or 'have issues with', it won't help. So many books seem to just deal with general anxiety. So yes, if you have a good outline of what has worked for you, I would LOVE to have you post if you could. May help others as well. This will also give me an idea of what CBT is 'supposed' to look like! I tried meds for a year, and I think I felt calmer, however, my severe stuff has to be triggered. And during the time I was on the meds, there really wasn't anything medically related that caused me to 'trigger'. And lately, the triggers aren't my own symptoms, they are those of family members. So that makes it harder. If they are my symptoms, I can at least try to brush them off to anxiety. But if it's a symptom on someone else, my anxiety didn't 'cause' their symptom, so that approach won't work! Ugh!
---------- Post added at 20:29 ---------- Previous post was at 20:24 ----------
Thank you! I guess we were typing at the same time and our messages crossed! I will try the 'worry time'. Did it take you a long time to be able to 'contain' your worries to this time period?
---------- Post added at 20:36 ---------- Previous post was at 20:29 ----------
Oh and yes, you hit the nail on the head with reassurance! I know it's bad, yet sometimes in the depths of it all, just that little bit can help get you out of the dark hole. But I know all to well how easy it is to fall back into it. I could have written the part when you said you started doubting when you hit the parking lot you already started questioning! I do that all the time! I wish I had just gone back in as you did...instead of agonizing over it. And the really bad thing about googling (yes, I know it's bad, but sadly, it's like an addiction I'm trying to break), is that once you've read something...you can't take it back. It's stuck in your mind like a magnet...ready to pounce at you the minute some symptom arises to remind you of the horrible illness that symptom represents. So googling is sort of like 'radioactive' in that it has a 'half-life'! Even if I stop all googling from here on out, I have so much 'stuff' locked into my head that will continue to spill out at the worst times! But at least I don't have to keep adding to that supply source, and eventually,what is stuck in my head, will run it's course!
worry wart
13-06-12, 21:49
You need to really click with a Therapist, and by that I mean 'yes I do that' and 'that's exactly how I feel'. Sometimes I can't put into words how I feel but my Therapist would be one step ahead of me. You are defo with the wrong one..but keep looking I'm sure you will find one.
I know what you mean about the being alone...I don't know anyone else with this and it's so hard to explain outloud exactly the details of your thinking to someone who hasn't experienced it. Maybe we can help each other out?
Re books, I read a really good one
(Overcoming Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder by David Veale and Rob Willson). It really spoke to me. There are a few others that I'll dig out too. It gives details of organisations that may be able to recommend a good Therapist who deals specifically with your concerns.
Please try and find another CBT Therapist as this completely rules your life and of those around you if you don't take control. The horrid thing about this illness is it tricks you...'I'm not reassurance seeking..it's a real medical problem...It's a normal thing to google this!! etc' and you fool yourself.
I hope you found a little comfort in reading this. I am currently going thru a 'skin cancer' worry, and it makes it worse that my Dad has melonoma.....I wish we got yearly skin checks, my very patronising Doc laughed at me when I asked for one. I just find Docs don't understand or have time for HA. I know they are busy, but why is our illness different to someone who has a chest infection? Another topic I'm sure :mad:
---------- Post added at 21:39 ---------- Previous post was at 21:37 ----------
Lol, yes we are typing at the same time ....
---------- Post added at 21:46 ---------- Previous post was at 21:39 ----------
I can recognise all of what you are saying....but believe me you need to do all or nothing...You need to take a stand against your HA or it will control you forever. I am completely banned from googling and no you shouldn't have gone back to the Office cos guess what, you'd have been walking back and forth all day...been there done that!..and then rung them when you eventually got home....really!
The best way my Therapist explained it was anxiety peaks but it won't stay like that forever. You have to ride out the anxiety NO MATTER HOW BAD until it eventually reduces. It may take a couple of days, but it will soon lower. You will defo think...'not this time, the anxiery is too strong....this is a real concern not HA'....Trust me it will and it is! I'm not saying you still won't be thinking of it days if not weeks, sometimes longer, later, but it won't be peaking. Then you start to gain control and it is just a nagging voice, still there but not a screaming voice, untill eventually it disappears. If you keep reassurance seeking, however you do it, you will never break the cycle...ever!
'If you feed a weed it will keep growing, but if you don't it will wither and die'[COLOR="blue"]
Thank you for the book recommendations. I will look into them as well as looking into another counselor. And yes, I did find great relief in reading your posts, thank you! And I'm sorry to hear about your Dad's diagnosis. Hopefully he has an excellent prognosis. But I understand your concerns completely as that is how my anxiety all started, with my Mom having cancer. But if I were you, I would find another Dr who will be happy to give you skin checks, even encourage them. I know you are in the UK and know the system is different there, but I would definitely find a skin doctor who will help you. (But then again we see one every year, (except as I said this year we saw the assistant, which caused the latest round of doubts) but until I get this anxiety under control, I won't trust what they say anyway). One thing that might help you until you can get an appt with someone who will take you seriously, is have someone you trust take digital pics of your skin top to bottom (scalp as well) and save them to a file. That way, you can compare what's there and what isn't every couple months...and have help with areas you can't see. It has definitely helped me to be able to compare for the most part. Hope this helps!
worry wart
13-06-12, 22:08
p.s completely agree about the stuff being stored in your head....but remember that is all worst case scenario stuff. I catatrophise ALL the time, and most of my google info has now been wiped out by rational explanations, or other peoples experiences etc. That will only happen if you stop googling tho. It's like a set of scales, on the one side you have all this dark google info and on the other is the complete opposite...there is a balance. And when you are in your darkest moments as you say, that is when you can't give in, but you need support from a good CBT Therapist for this...I am no Therapist but I know how different life can be when you are in control. I'm not saying I don't have triggers, but I am better equipped to deal with them....
And lastly, it was hard to contain it to 15 mins but I was strict from the start, remember all or nothing. I started doing 15 mins in the morn and then 15 mins in the evening when it was really bad but that was max....and you have to have quiet with no interupptions, perhaps when the kids haven't gotten up or when they are at school?
xx
---------- Post added at 22:08 ---------- Previous post was at 21:57 ----------
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/articles/healthanxiety/
My son had swollen nodes all over his head. We "watched" them and they didn't get smaller. After some time his doc recommended him seeing a specialist to be sure they were ok. I freaked out. The specialist felt them, did blood work and sent us on. Nothing was wrong with him and 2 years later the bumps are still there. Just node. They go up & down but he's fine. I'm sure your child is too.
Sonoma - You helped me with my post so let me try to help you. I suggest you read "The Patient Paradox: Why Sexed Up Medicine is Bad for Your Health". and "The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can't Stand Positive Thinking" The first is from a leading medical doctor who explains why all these scans and checks are not good for our health. It puts a lot of your worries to bed. The second book explains a philosophy to happiness that our assuming that everything will be fine and we will live long healthy lives is wrong and is causing our unhappiness.
We seem to live in anxious times, We expect to live well into our 80's. Its so not real. Some babies die at birth or even in the womb, some children die young or when teenagers. There is no right and wrong when people come and go. All we know is that we should enjoy it while we are here. I know that seems very easy to say but if you spend time examining the statistics you will realise that it is futile to spend too much time looking for problems. On the assumption that your children where high factor good quality sun cream and are only exposed for 20 mins at a time they are extremely unlikely to get skin cancer. How do you think they are going to enjoy life if all they have ever been put through is 100's of medical checks and scans. Our children are going to be terrified of every little thing. Sometimes a little knowledge is very harmful and our children should have the same chance we have at enjoying life worry free.
The statistics show that sexed up medicine was created in the consumer culture which was in term created in America in the early 50's. The US has the highest amount of scans and health checks for one reason. MONEY!! The proof is that even with the amount of health checks the average American goes through in a year the mortality rate is still one of the highest in the western world. I do feel when its your time nothing will stop it, Let us live quality happy lives and stop putting our families through hell. I suffer from HA but I never involve my children, I worry and my wife says she has no worries. We are killing ourselves and we are at risk of spreading this to our progeny. Evolution makes our bodies prone to mutations and allows homo sapiens to advance.
I feel your pain.
Mee
Thanks for your reply, Mee. The book sounds interesting, and makes one think. Funny thing about HA, we all know scans can pose a risk, but often times, when we are in the middle of a major panic, we often feel scans of some sort are the only way to know 'for sure'...double edge sword. But then, as everyone knows, that reassurance doesn't last long anyway!
I have to say that up until this last 'panic attack', I have always managed to keep my fears away from my kids. I often feel like I'll explode trying to act like I had no worries in the world. Hopefully, they won't follow down this same path. I, like you, will talk to my spouse about my concerns instead. I just wonder what happens if both people in a relationship have HA...! And I find it so interesting how when one of us on this board is having a major moment, the rest of us can dig deep and find the right words to say to help alleviate some concerns, but we can't find our own way out when we are in our own state of panic!
I find it so interesting how when one of us on this board is having a major moment, the rest of us can dig deep and find the right words to say to help alleviate some concerns, but we can't find our own way out when we are in our own state of panic!
It just shows how panic and anxiety ambushes the rational mind and we lose sight of reality. Many times I have panicked about something only to find that it is quite a minor concern after the event. The problem is as the anxiety rises your logical thinking goes too and so the panic increases further and so the endless loop increases. Also our kids can sense the concern and I am sure they know how to tap in to it by saying certain things. Until the next panic. Take Care and try to read the book. You should be able to read a few pages of it on Amazon.
Take Care
Mee
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