nantia
14-06-12, 14:49
First of all I have to warn you that this is a HUGE post here. You deserve congratualtions if you manage to read it all. . . It's the first time ever I put it all together from my perspective to actually say it to somebody cause until now nobody really seemed to care. Thanks for your help in advance. :hugs:
Okay, starting. . . .
Background Info
I am 19 and I come from a small village in Greece, currently studying in the UK. I'm a relatively weird person and I definitely I wasn't a normal child.
Since kindergarten even, I had difficulty making friends with people, I would stay in a corner do my own thing that had nothing to do with what other children were doing (eg I was building houses with lego when the other girls were playing with dolls). When it came to comics and books I used to associate with the shyest and darkest characters. I would make stories out of life and comics and write them down wishing they could be real as I felt lonely many times, but reality usually dragged me back as most of the things couldn't possibly happen. I would keep diary too writing everyday in it in order to put my thoughts in order~I still do that. When people accused me for being too old to be reading comics I turned to the artistic aspect of it using my drawing ability to make my own comics-still people weren't happy with that. Comics and my diary were always the only places where I didn't “have to do” something specific, I could just be me.
I was always very good at school, doing well in everything that was given to me, Languages, Maths, History, Arts even national competitions. I sacrificed a lot for that by staying in to revise, spending nights on a book etc. My parents would be okay or say nothing every time I got a perfect grade but they would complain if I failed a little bit, immediately comparing me to what other people did as I was in second place some times. That always made me feel inferior. Why don't you see me? Why do you see me only when that “me” is doing well? I never got that. When I asked them they would always say that it's just my imagination and I'm picking up a fight with them~I have never said a word though whenever they shout at me. What always mattered was what people would say about me, about how I looked, about my family. I had to keep everything a secret, my marks at school, my choices, my ideas. I wanted to follow the emo style once but I got such discouragement from my surroundings and so many bad comments from my family that I quit quickly. Same continues with any other “dark” choice I would make as I like gothic and medieval styles, weird Japanese music, comics, making my own clothes~that I'm never allowed to wear.
Because I was doing well at school jobs like musician, free lance artist, comic maker, writer etc were banned as everyone had higher expectations from me. I had to do something fancy like Medicine, Law, Politics etc. No offense but I always wanted something artistic that would get my hands dirty with paint, ink, dust. . . So I chose to do Architecture. I was interested in it but not as much as I would be in something more “free”. Or at least that's what I thought~I love being here now. I just admire my tutors so much and they have helped me a lot.
I tend to be difficult with people. My friendships till now were unstable and really harmful to my emotions as I trusted the wrong people that betrayed me in the worst way for me (I am an open book for people when it comes to my thoughts). By junior high already I wouldn't be able to walk from one side of the school yard to the other because I was anxious of people looking at me. I felt fat, I had acne, I was wearing glasses, not too good things for a 14-year-old girl. When it came to guys I would like one single person for a long time which hurt a lot as teenagers are generally not mature enough to keep a relationship for long. I would be labeled as geek and pushed away. There were only 3 guys for me since now: I gave the first one a letter telling him how I felt and he laughed at me, I had my “best friend” make fun of me in from of the second, as for the 3rd one I asked his friend if he has a girlfriend and he just stopped talking to me. There was a guy that liked me once but my dad took my mobile phone as soon as he heard who he was saying that this guy “Is not for me”. So, always alone no matter what.
The Story
The problems started when I went to senior high. I had liked that guy for 2 years already, we were friends, doing most lessons together, we had an inter-school band (he was playing the guitar, I was playing the piano and we were teaching each other too) and everyone would say how nice we would look together. My self esteem was already really bad but having him closeby was the best thing that could happen as he was so funny,intelligent and talented that I would just feel nice with him. Then I asked one of his friends if he had a girlfriend and I have no idea how it happened he suddenly stopped talking to me.
That hit me pretty bad cause all the stress from the upcoming exams, my parents at home, my teachers, all came up and struggled me. I tried talking to my parents and friends and make it clear how much he meant to me, how I felt but it just wasn't serious enough to them. My friends just wouldn't care, my parents would tell me to focus to my studies and quit the nonsense cause it's just a silly teenage love thing that will fade. I was already 17 by then.
My school was demanding, I had to choose a career, I had to study, I had to take the exams, I had to think of what people would say if I failed, the newspapers would write it, my parents would have to find excuses for their friends. I quit playing the piano, I stopped making comics and clothing designs.
Gradually I started spending more time in my room watching films, reading and sleeping mostly during the day. My world was a dark room and a computer. At that time the guy I liked decided to get a girlfriend all of a sudden. I had to watch them every single day kiss in front of me in the school yard. That's when I started seeing the world through a glass. I was there in my life but I wasn't part of it anymore there was a gray glass-wall separating me from it. All these sleepless nights I spent in my room crying alone without anyone bothering to notice, all the complaints that I was being sad without a reason, the shaky feeling in my hands were replaced by a numb shell. I could fake a smile and everyone would be okay. If I wasn't important to anyone why would I bother being important to me? I left myself in the dark. Wouldn't show any feeling, wouldn't care about how I dressed or looked, I gained weight due to lack of exercise, I wouldn't eat, I wouldn't sleep. Again I was lectured a lot on that but I couldn't explain, nobody would listen. I just had that bloody feeling of fear that I'm going to hurt myself. Once I ended up slapping me so bad that I thought I could take a knife and cut myself too anytime. But I didn't, hopefully.
My national exams were approaching. Whatever was left from my friends didn't have time for anything else apart from studying. They wouldn't care for anything else in the world. It's just a pity how easily people can be completely separated by personal ambitions. I spent my nights in the house reading. The same year my grandpa had a stroke, our financial situation got worse, my parents were really tense and would argue even on the smallest matters, I discovered a health problem I have and I was going for Architecture which meant that I had to travel to Athens almost every month to have drawing lessons.
My teacher in Athens was an awful person. She wouldn't accept me as her student, comparing me to “her children” and saying how inferior I was. She never gave me feedback, made me pay more than others although I was already traveling to attend her lessons and generally sabotaged me by giving me wrong information. It seems that it was because she had nothing to teach me practically but many times I came home crying. My parents wouldn't believe me though cause she would act nice in front of them. At that time I was barely managing with my studies. I couldn't concentrate, couldn't understand and I was procrastinating a lot which made them think I was just not paying attention.
Then I started thinking of studying abroad. I wanted to leave this place. When my teacher heard about it she did whatever she could to prevent me from applying to a university by telling my parents that I wasn't good enough to be accepted and I wouldn't do well in the exams either. Not the best way to encourage a person that has 1 month of 23 lesson exams ahead. . .
As expected I didn't do as well as I could in the national exams yet I was accepted in 3 schools of Architecture in Greece. Also I managed to apply to the universities in the UK I wanted and they replied asking for really high grades and drawings. Despite the fact that I didn't do too well I still had very good marks. I made the drawings myself without asking that teacher in Athens, I sent them and I got accepted.
I would be very happy if I didn't see that the course was 6 compulsory years. When I told my parents they were frustrated as we thought it would be 3 years as it was mentioned in the university website. In the end I managed to explain what happens with the undergraduate and the postgraduate course but the moments of excitement I could have were gone. I was so much expecting to be happy after so long for my achievement but having my parents upset just made me even more depressed. No matter what happens, I love my parents. They might do all they do but I can see the reasons and the problems behind the actions so I don't want them to feel bad cause they try a lot for me and my sister. My mom is a really anxious person about everything my dad on the other hand is a realist but doesn't admit his mistakes.
I heard many things about irresponsibility, worthlessness and stuff like that during that time and hey still hit it on me that I didn't do well in the exams and it's my fault. But the fact that I'm in a much better university now kinda makes up for it.
I came in the UK with the hope that I could change everything. I thought I would find like-minded people and finally a place where I could belong. Soon I understood that it's not the people surrounding me that are the problem. The problem is me. I'm just a hopeless, quite person that speaks nonsense when it comes to non-serious conversations and has no idea how to interact with people. I would always fall behind, be hated in my team since the first moment because of my drawing skills, do bad and almost fail my exams. The only thing I thought I could be good at, my studies, had started fading too. I found some friends but I couldn't open myself up to them and always kept a distance. I wouldn't go to parties cause they reminded me of parties at school when I had the worst social experiences. I wasn't like everyone else and I just hated that.
That bloody feeling came back even stronger than before. I would start crying at random times feeling nothing inside like I had no reason to do it but still I couldn't stop. I tried to tell my parents but again to them it was the fact that I moved to the UK that made me feel like that, not something else. When I went home for Christmas I tried to tell them that I want to visit a counselor and they started shouting at me saying that if I do that I will end up mad. I wanted to change, talk about it, talk to people that bullied me till now, shout out what I wanted to say. Instead I ended up feeling guilty, selfish and ungrateful asking too much from my parents. My dad would always be like: “What did you ask for that I didn't give you?”. The thing was not about what I asked for, it was about what I didn't ask at all.
Disobeying their will I went to the counseling service of the university. I was diagnosed with panic attacks and signs of depression but I needed to wait a long time to get an appointment with the person I wanted so decided to start next year. I will need at least 2 and a half months of counseling. The bad thing was that after the appointment my situation got worse as I forced myself to remember everything. When I came out I had to spend the whole day in bed trembling and crying cause my body couldn't take it anymore. Without proper evidence though I couldn't tell my parents again. I tried telling my new friends. They seemed to care a bit till some point which made me happy but then they had to do their own thing and mot be involved with me all the time. I don't blame them for that.
During that time my parents came to visit me in the UK in a really bad time. I had too much work for the university, I had been doing allnighters for some time, I had told my tutors about what was happening and we were trying to find me a way to work with it and finish the project I had, I hadn't recovered from the counseling shock yet. When they came they were all critical about what I wore, how I looked, my room, my life. We argued a lot, I started crying again. The only thing they said was “Let her cry, she needs to learn how to cope with stress on her own.”. Well that doesn't help. It just made me feel even worse. They started blaming me again when I told them that I'm not the one taking everything wrong, they said I'm ungrateful and that they shouldn't have sent me here. I wanted to tell them what was really happening but I knew my mom would get so anxious about it that I just couldn't. The situation in Greece in generally bad, I didn't want to make my parent's lives even more difficult. No, stress was a good excuse. I pulled myself together as much as I could and I spend the rest of the days in a less intense way.
I spend the rest of the time till Easter trying to cope with the stuff I had to do. I tried to stop thinking of all these things. It wouldn't solve the problem but at least I wouldn't suffer. There was a guy that liked me then. I decided to give him a chance but when we first went out together he almost tried to rape me. I got really scared and didn't contact him again. No matter what he did though I wouldn't feel a single thing. Even when he hugged me for the first time -that looked pretty innocent- I just wouldn't feel a thing. I can't connect to anyone anymore, I'm scared to love people and I've said many times that if something like that happens and I fail again it's going to be the final blow for me.
I managed to finish my project successfully but with a low mark. When I told my mom her first reaction was “Ok, but now everyone is going to be better than you.”. Well I knew that but at that time I couldn't do anything else on it. I didn't want to go back home for Easter. I left the tickets for the last minute because of that to be able to get ready to look normal.
I managed it to some extend until the day we started talking about my sister. She has her life, more normal than mine, friends, a boyfriend, normal social life etc. I love her very much and we talk almost every day. At that time she didn't want to talk to our parents about her problems cause she said they didn't take her seriously. I tried to explain how I felt when that was happening to me and that they need to approach her in a better way instead of ignoring her or making fun of silly situations because they were important to her. They didn't reply, which was my victory in some way.
The consequences from that were severe. Short time afterwards I went in my room to sleep a bit before going to see my grandma and my uncle. When I entered my room my hands started shaking uncontrollably, my heart was skipping beats, there was a severe pain in my chest, I lost sense of direction and orientation, couldn't control my breathing, my eyes started running. I thought I has having a heart attack or something and I could die any time. I got so scared. Hopefully the phone rang and I had to go see my grandma. That made me force myself take control again. If it hadn't been for the phone I have no idea how much time this situation could take.
After that I went to check my heart. Nothing was wrong with it but I avoided any kind of place or situation that could make me feel uncomfortable. Even when I came back to the UK I limited my activities that involved roller coasters, scary movies, talking to many people, being in clubs etc. Now summer is approaching and again I didn't want to go home.
I have no idea how I'm going to cope with it during the summer. I don't want to break again cause everyone will start asking questions I can't answer yet and get angry at me. It feels like I have lost anything to fight for, that magic I had when I was younger, that passion for everything I did, I can't write music anymore, I can't create a proper story, there is something in me telling me “you can't do it”, I can't organize myself, can't face my fears. . . You are the first to hear the whole story so I just want to know what your thoughts are. . . :unsure:
Okay, starting. . . .
Background Info
I am 19 and I come from a small village in Greece, currently studying in the UK. I'm a relatively weird person and I definitely I wasn't a normal child.
Since kindergarten even, I had difficulty making friends with people, I would stay in a corner do my own thing that had nothing to do with what other children were doing (eg I was building houses with lego when the other girls were playing with dolls). When it came to comics and books I used to associate with the shyest and darkest characters. I would make stories out of life and comics and write them down wishing they could be real as I felt lonely many times, but reality usually dragged me back as most of the things couldn't possibly happen. I would keep diary too writing everyday in it in order to put my thoughts in order~I still do that. When people accused me for being too old to be reading comics I turned to the artistic aspect of it using my drawing ability to make my own comics-still people weren't happy with that. Comics and my diary were always the only places where I didn't “have to do” something specific, I could just be me.
I was always very good at school, doing well in everything that was given to me, Languages, Maths, History, Arts even national competitions. I sacrificed a lot for that by staying in to revise, spending nights on a book etc. My parents would be okay or say nothing every time I got a perfect grade but they would complain if I failed a little bit, immediately comparing me to what other people did as I was in second place some times. That always made me feel inferior. Why don't you see me? Why do you see me only when that “me” is doing well? I never got that. When I asked them they would always say that it's just my imagination and I'm picking up a fight with them~I have never said a word though whenever they shout at me. What always mattered was what people would say about me, about how I looked, about my family. I had to keep everything a secret, my marks at school, my choices, my ideas. I wanted to follow the emo style once but I got such discouragement from my surroundings and so many bad comments from my family that I quit quickly. Same continues with any other “dark” choice I would make as I like gothic and medieval styles, weird Japanese music, comics, making my own clothes~that I'm never allowed to wear.
Because I was doing well at school jobs like musician, free lance artist, comic maker, writer etc were banned as everyone had higher expectations from me. I had to do something fancy like Medicine, Law, Politics etc. No offense but I always wanted something artistic that would get my hands dirty with paint, ink, dust. . . So I chose to do Architecture. I was interested in it but not as much as I would be in something more “free”. Or at least that's what I thought~I love being here now. I just admire my tutors so much and they have helped me a lot.
I tend to be difficult with people. My friendships till now were unstable and really harmful to my emotions as I trusted the wrong people that betrayed me in the worst way for me (I am an open book for people when it comes to my thoughts). By junior high already I wouldn't be able to walk from one side of the school yard to the other because I was anxious of people looking at me. I felt fat, I had acne, I was wearing glasses, not too good things for a 14-year-old girl. When it came to guys I would like one single person for a long time which hurt a lot as teenagers are generally not mature enough to keep a relationship for long. I would be labeled as geek and pushed away. There were only 3 guys for me since now: I gave the first one a letter telling him how I felt and he laughed at me, I had my “best friend” make fun of me in from of the second, as for the 3rd one I asked his friend if he has a girlfriend and he just stopped talking to me. There was a guy that liked me once but my dad took my mobile phone as soon as he heard who he was saying that this guy “Is not for me”. So, always alone no matter what.
The Story
The problems started when I went to senior high. I had liked that guy for 2 years already, we were friends, doing most lessons together, we had an inter-school band (he was playing the guitar, I was playing the piano and we were teaching each other too) and everyone would say how nice we would look together. My self esteem was already really bad but having him closeby was the best thing that could happen as he was so funny,intelligent and talented that I would just feel nice with him. Then I asked one of his friends if he had a girlfriend and I have no idea how it happened he suddenly stopped talking to me.
That hit me pretty bad cause all the stress from the upcoming exams, my parents at home, my teachers, all came up and struggled me. I tried talking to my parents and friends and make it clear how much he meant to me, how I felt but it just wasn't serious enough to them. My friends just wouldn't care, my parents would tell me to focus to my studies and quit the nonsense cause it's just a silly teenage love thing that will fade. I was already 17 by then.
My school was demanding, I had to choose a career, I had to study, I had to take the exams, I had to think of what people would say if I failed, the newspapers would write it, my parents would have to find excuses for their friends. I quit playing the piano, I stopped making comics and clothing designs.
Gradually I started spending more time in my room watching films, reading and sleeping mostly during the day. My world was a dark room and a computer. At that time the guy I liked decided to get a girlfriend all of a sudden. I had to watch them every single day kiss in front of me in the school yard. That's when I started seeing the world through a glass. I was there in my life but I wasn't part of it anymore there was a gray glass-wall separating me from it. All these sleepless nights I spent in my room crying alone without anyone bothering to notice, all the complaints that I was being sad without a reason, the shaky feeling in my hands were replaced by a numb shell. I could fake a smile and everyone would be okay. If I wasn't important to anyone why would I bother being important to me? I left myself in the dark. Wouldn't show any feeling, wouldn't care about how I dressed or looked, I gained weight due to lack of exercise, I wouldn't eat, I wouldn't sleep. Again I was lectured a lot on that but I couldn't explain, nobody would listen. I just had that bloody feeling of fear that I'm going to hurt myself. Once I ended up slapping me so bad that I thought I could take a knife and cut myself too anytime. But I didn't, hopefully.
My national exams were approaching. Whatever was left from my friends didn't have time for anything else apart from studying. They wouldn't care for anything else in the world. It's just a pity how easily people can be completely separated by personal ambitions. I spent my nights in the house reading. The same year my grandpa had a stroke, our financial situation got worse, my parents were really tense and would argue even on the smallest matters, I discovered a health problem I have and I was going for Architecture which meant that I had to travel to Athens almost every month to have drawing lessons.
My teacher in Athens was an awful person. She wouldn't accept me as her student, comparing me to “her children” and saying how inferior I was. She never gave me feedback, made me pay more than others although I was already traveling to attend her lessons and generally sabotaged me by giving me wrong information. It seems that it was because she had nothing to teach me practically but many times I came home crying. My parents wouldn't believe me though cause she would act nice in front of them. At that time I was barely managing with my studies. I couldn't concentrate, couldn't understand and I was procrastinating a lot which made them think I was just not paying attention.
Then I started thinking of studying abroad. I wanted to leave this place. When my teacher heard about it she did whatever she could to prevent me from applying to a university by telling my parents that I wasn't good enough to be accepted and I wouldn't do well in the exams either. Not the best way to encourage a person that has 1 month of 23 lesson exams ahead. . .
As expected I didn't do as well as I could in the national exams yet I was accepted in 3 schools of Architecture in Greece. Also I managed to apply to the universities in the UK I wanted and they replied asking for really high grades and drawings. Despite the fact that I didn't do too well I still had very good marks. I made the drawings myself without asking that teacher in Athens, I sent them and I got accepted.
I would be very happy if I didn't see that the course was 6 compulsory years. When I told my parents they were frustrated as we thought it would be 3 years as it was mentioned in the university website. In the end I managed to explain what happens with the undergraduate and the postgraduate course but the moments of excitement I could have were gone. I was so much expecting to be happy after so long for my achievement but having my parents upset just made me even more depressed. No matter what happens, I love my parents. They might do all they do but I can see the reasons and the problems behind the actions so I don't want them to feel bad cause they try a lot for me and my sister. My mom is a really anxious person about everything my dad on the other hand is a realist but doesn't admit his mistakes.
I heard many things about irresponsibility, worthlessness and stuff like that during that time and hey still hit it on me that I didn't do well in the exams and it's my fault. But the fact that I'm in a much better university now kinda makes up for it.
I came in the UK with the hope that I could change everything. I thought I would find like-minded people and finally a place where I could belong. Soon I understood that it's not the people surrounding me that are the problem. The problem is me. I'm just a hopeless, quite person that speaks nonsense when it comes to non-serious conversations and has no idea how to interact with people. I would always fall behind, be hated in my team since the first moment because of my drawing skills, do bad and almost fail my exams. The only thing I thought I could be good at, my studies, had started fading too. I found some friends but I couldn't open myself up to them and always kept a distance. I wouldn't go to parties cause they reminded me of parties at school when I had the worst social experiences. I wasn't like everyone else and I just hated that.
That bloody feeling came back even stronger than before. I would start crying at random times feeling nothing inside like I had no reason to do it but still I couldn't stop. I tried to tell my parents but again to them it was the fact that I moved to the UK that made me feel like that, not something else. When I went home for Christmas I tried to tell them that I want to visit a counselor and they started shouting at me saying that if I do that I will end up mad. I wanted to change, talk about it, talk to people that bullied me till now, shout out what I wanted to say. Instead I ended up feeling guilty, selfish and ungrateful asking too much from my parents. My dad would always be like: “What did you ask for that I didn't give you?”. The thing was not about what I asked for, it was about what I didn't ask at all.
Disobeying their will I went to the counseling service of the university. I was diagnosed with panic attacks and signs of depression but I needed to wait a long time to get an appointment with the person I wanted so decided to start next year. I will need at least 2 and a half months of counseling. The bad thing was that after the appointment my situation got worse as I forced myself to remember everything. When I came out I had to spend the whole day in bed trembling and crying cause my body couldn't take it anymore. Without proper evidence though I couldn't tell my parents again. I tried telling my new friends. They seemed to care a bit till some point which made me happy but then they had to do their own thing and mot be involved with me all the time. I don't blame them for that.
During that time my parents came to visit me in the UK in a really bad time. I had too much work for the university, I had been doing allnighters for some time, I had told my tutors about what was happening and we were trying to find me a way to work with it and finish the project I had, I hadn't recovered from the counseling shock yet. When they came they were all critical about what I wore, how I looked, my room, my life. We argued a lot, I started crying again. The only thing they said was “Let her cry, she needs to learn how to cope with stress on her own.”. Well that doesn't help. It just made me feel even worse. They started blaming me again when I told them that I'm not the one taking everything wrong, they said I'm ungrateful and that they shouldn't have sent me here. I wanted to tell them what was really happening but I knew my mom would get so anxious about it that I just couldn't. The situation in Greece in generally bad, I didn't want to make my parent's lives even more difficult. No, stress was a good excuse. I pulled myself together as much as I could and I spend the rest of the days in a less intense way.
I spend the rest of the time till Easter trying to cope with the stuff I had to do. I tried to stop thinking of all these things. It wouldn't solve the problem but at least I wouldn't suffer. There was a guy that liked me then. I decided to give him a chance but when we first went out together he almost tried to rape me. I got really scared and didn't contact him again. No matter what he did though I wouldn't feel a single thing. Even when he hugged me for the first time -that looked pretty innocent- I just wouldn't feel a thing. I can't connect to anyone anymore, I'm scared to love people and I've said many times that if something like that happens and I fail again it's going to be the final blow for me.
I managed to finish my project successfully but with a low mark. When I told my mom her first reaction was “Ok, but now everyone is going to be better than you.”. Well I knew that but at that time I couldn't do anything else on it. I didn't want to go back home for Easter. I left the tickets for the last minute because of that to be able to get ready to look normal.
I managed it to some extend until the day we started talking about my sister. She has her life, more normal than mine, friends, a boyfriend, normal social life etc. I love her very much and we talk almost every day. At that time she didn't want to talk to our parents about her problems cause she said they didn't take her seriously. I tried to explain how I felt when that was happening to me and that they need to approach her in a better way instead of ignoring her or making fun of silly situations because they were important to her. They didn't reply, which was my victory in some way.
The consequences from that were severe. Short time afterwards I went in my room to sleep a bit before going to see my grandma and my uncle. When I entered my room my hands started shaking uncontrollably, my heart was skipping beats, there was a severe pain in my chest, I lost sense of direction and orientation, couldn't control my breathing, my eyes started running. I thought I has having a heart attack or something and I could die any time. I got so scared. Hopefully the phone rang and I had to go see my grandma. That made me force myself take control again. If it hadn't been for the phone I have no idea how much time this situation could take.
After that I went to check my heart. Nothing was wrong with it but I avoided any kind of place or situation that could make me feel uncomfortable. Even when I came back to the UK I limited my activities that involved roller coasters, scary movies, talking to many people, being in clubs etc. Now summer is approaching and again I didn't want to go home.
I have no idea how I'm going to cope with it during the summer. I don't want to break again cause everyone will start asking questions I can't answer yet and get angry at me. It feels like I have lost anything to fight for, that magic I had when I was younger, that passion for everything I did, I can't write music anymore, I can't create a proper story, there is something in me telling me “you can't do it”, I can't organize myself, can't face my fears. . . You are the first to hear the whole story so I just want to know what your thoughts are. . . :unsure: