Health Anxiety worrying changes.... [Archive]

Meewah

18-06-12, 12:12

I am wondering if My health anxiety has morphed in to something else. I suffered from obsessive Health anxiety since 2006 while my father was ill and then sadly passed away. I had the usual story to tell. Felling aches and pains in my ribs followed by me admitiing myself to hospital for suspected heart attack, not believing the doctors diagnosis. A feeling that the NHS could not cope and that I was a victim of a failed health service. I had endless checks including bowel Heart etc.... Nothing found.

Since all this my Health anxiety has morphed I am aware of my high anxiety state and when I get a itch or a pain on my skin I try not to think about it, I actually go the other way, I tell myself it is the anxiety and that I am probably ok. But in the back of my head is a "what if" that keeps me awake at night, I ruminate and then over time I am on to the next ache and pain. I shower in the dark and avoid feeling for lumps and bumps as I am too scared about how I feel if I feel something. Sometimes I feel a midge bite or something and feel I have skin cancer. I focus on Health articles in magazines or on tv. I quickly turn over or skip a page about any health subject.
I feel i have fear of fear.

My main worries now are the feeling of impending doom that I will loose my wife to cancer or Heart attack etc or that my children are not telling me if they fill ill. I constantly check them visually for weight loss or weight gain, Blotches and moles and lumps. Its all getting too much. My Health anxiety has morphed to my family and I panic and lose sleep when they have cold or a cough or a rash. I live in continual fear for them expecting that something is going to happen soon and I WILL NOT be able to cope.

Is someone sharing my experience

justina

18-06-12, 12:32

Oh yes, unfortunately I am just like you.

I have the "normal" HA but I too fear the fear, I feel like I am just waiting for disaster to come, if one of my children says "oh, my foot hurts", my brain immediately goes through its "symptoms register" and in 0,01 seconds tells me "could be bone cancer or leukemia", faster than Google itself :(
This is how my mind works...

I can't speak to my husband/family about my fears about my/their health because if they get worried too that would freak me out completely.
When I have symptoms I can't ask my husband what he thinks, because what if he gets worried? If I see him worried that will confirm that I am dying...

Dreamalittledream

18-06-12, 12:37

meewah

My HA started after similar (dad died from cancer), friend died,and then my husband found a lump under his arm.

The thing that I realised was the triggering factor was - the belief that I would not be able to cope with my husband getting cancer and dying at that point in my life. I simply didnt have it in me to cope with it at that time.

I have massive experience with health issues (hubby has a kidney transplanted from me and I grew up around hospital visits) and never had worried like I did once I developed HA. It is not limited to just me, I worry about husband, my mother, my nieces and nephews (we don't have children).

It isnt as common as worrying about yourself, but it is still HA (I checked the books and then also with the Dr).

Have you seen a psychologist?

I only ask because it sounds like you are practicing avoidance (the showers in the dark etc). This makes us feel better cos it feels like we are taking control...but actually it heightens your anxiety.

justina

18-06-12, 13:00

Yes, also for me it was my father's death (cancer) that started the whole thing
Not only his illness and death, but also that he didn't "accept" it, well nobody does I guess but both my parents handled the thing with very much panic, dread, desperation...
I read about people who are dying from cancer but who try to make the best of the time that's left
Well that was not so easy for my father because of all the pain, but I still can see the difference of approach, everbody has black moments with fear, rage, desperation but some people manage to balance them with brighter moments, those brighter moments were never there and I think that too triggered my HA. It was all just a black whole of desperation and thats what I see coming back as soon as I think of illnesses:weep::weep::weep::weep::weep::weep:

skyisblue

18-06-12, 13:40

Hi, everyone.

I feel exactly like you guys. My HA worries changes from time to time. Even to my loved ones. It's so hard to live in a family when you're the only one who can understand your HA.

My usual HA shifts from one fear to another. Like recently, I noticed that I my fears grow in numbers. The other week I was worried about my heart. A few days ago about diabetes and the big C. And now, it's my urine.

It's really hard to have HA. :weep:

sonoma

18-06-12, 17:42

You are not alone, my friend. Like many on this board, I have a family history of "C", so that's my huge obsession. The past few months have had me at constant stage of panic over my children. Started with one, and then went to the other. One example, of several, was I freaked out after our annual skin exam with the assistant (who;s done these type exams for years), and took my kids back to see the actual Dr that same week because I became terrified that she missed something. Felt like an idiot, but Dr was very kind. I still get nagging worries that she missed something as well, but I'm feeling better and trying to realize that's what happens when we seek reassurance. And mind you, my kids are teens, so they felt ridiculous as well! I don;t want them to end up with HA, but this time, I couldn't hide my worries they were so out of control. I, like you, glance at them across the table, scanning for anything usual. I think none of us want to be caught off guard...want to find things early...and we want nothing more than to protect our family...but what if we miss something??? And the 'anticipation' of something happening...I think that's classic HA...we 'assume' it's coming, if not now, then later...but it's coming. Whereas 'normal' people don't give this a second thought, and if asked 'aren't you worried that 'X' will happen, they say "no, but if it does, I"ll worry about it then'!!!!! I've calmed down somewhat over the past few days, but it's funny, now that I've let this last few months of worry somewhat subside, I've drifted back to my own issues with an ongoing back problem and now worried I should have had it checked long ago! I find that I'd rather have the anxiety over myself than my family though...anxiety over my family is ten times more terrifying to me. Never ends! However, I am starting meds, and just bumped up a dose so not sure if that's what's helping me calm down along with having the Drs assure me (maybe the meds are helping me believe them!). But if you aren't on any meds, it may not hurt to give them a try. And I'm also going for counseling and reading a self help book to finally try to get this under control. Not sure if any of this helps, but I always find comfort in knowing I"m not alone!

Munchlet

18-06-12, 18:39

I can totally relate to your post and you are not alone.

I have to say I normally worry about my own health, but as soon as my son, husband or any other close family member have anything wrong with them it spirals out of control.

I instantly start being irrational about things and blowing it out of proportion.

My husband gets excruiating headaches has done for years and years, has had numerous tests etc and told he just suffers from bad heads but everytime he gets one I'm on the verge or ringing an ambulance convincd its a heamorrage or tumour.

I can't really offer you any advice on how to deal with this but just let you know you are not alone and the majority of the people on this board can probably relate to your post.:)

b4eve

18-06-12, 19:32

I've done the same! I've been virtually a lifelong HA sufferer but in the last two years I've spent far far more time worrying over my children than myself. My husband died seven years ago (following a road accident so no HA directly involved) and I think that was kind of the turning point... I mean I'd worried about others before but not in a big obsessive irrational way. I've just done the standard course of CBT and it was nice attending the group but I didn't learn anything that I'd not already read and it didn't help hugely. I try really hard not to betray all the worrying to the kids... try to do whatever paranoid checks I want to do sneakily... I wish I could just stop or even go back to worrying about me instead

cattia

18-06-12, 20:38

I can relate so much to your post. I have terrible HA about myself but it is worse about my kids. My major obsession is autism since my children are still very young. My daughter is two and a half and I obsessed enlessley about her being autistic until it became clear that she wasn't, so now I have moved on to my son who has just turned one. He has just started pointing with his whole hand instead of his index finger and I know this is a sign of autism, so I literally spend every waking hour obsessing over it. This is also interspersed with other worries. If my children have any bruises or appear tired, I am convinced they have leukaemia. If they have a temperature, I think they have meningitis. I constantly obsess that they might be deficient in vitamins or not getting enough nutrients from their diet. I honestly spend about 80% of my time thinking obsessively. I really want to try for a third child but I honestly don't know if I can take the autism fears for a third time. I totally feel your pain!

Meewah

18-06-12, 20:51

Well thanks

In one way I feel I am not alone but on the other I worry that a lot of us have the same experiences and that it is quite a common problem, that only makes me feel like there is less chance of recovery. Sorry to say that but I hope I can find someone who has climbed out of this dark pit.

Part of me thinks what if I lose this HA what if I miss a genuine health threat for me or my family. The responsibility is killing me.

I am not sure how we can practice exposure therapy on HA in actual fact all of us never want to be exposed to a real health threat. If anyone has a explanation of how we can expose ourselves to HA to remove the sensitivity I am ready to listen.

Mee

Dreamalittledream

19-06-12, 00:58

Meewah

Have you read the "Overcoming Health anxiety" by David Veale. It is very helpful and also takes you through re exposing yourself to your fears AFTER you have stopped a lot of the obsessive behaviours (that is the first part of the book).

Honestly I have found it really helpful and have found that now I can occasionally even watch shows about things I fear.

While I don't actively seek them out, I make myself watch them if I accidentally see a bit and it scares me, so I watch it until I have calmed down a bit. But you have to do it the right way.

This is why you need to do the whole process, because before treatment there is no way actually watching it would have calmed me down.

I wouldnt say I am over it, but am I obsessing 80 percent of the time? Nope only about 10-20 percent which is much better. It did take quite a few psych visits, and reading and practicing the exercises...

oh and for me stopping coffee took away the constant adrenalin feeling I had. Apparently anxiety sufferers can be quite sensitive to caffeine - I am it appears.

Of course I still worry about anything and everything, but I am much more under control than I was a year ago and actually have enjoyable times. before then I wasnt even able to enjoy visiting friends etc as I was so on edge.

sonoma

19-06-12, 02:50

I agree...you can't even think about 'exposure' while you are in a full blown panic. And I don't know if that's something I'd want to do without someone helping me along (counselor), knowing how much exposure I can handle at a time. Perhaps the book the poster mentioned does have good self help practices though, so would be worth a look if you don't go to counseling. Your comment about 'the responsibilty is killing me', says it all. I'm not sure why we with HA feel we must be in control of everything, but we do. 'Normal' people seem to have a firm grasp on what is out of their control. I think we can all benefit from claiming the 'Serenity prayer' as our own! And I too worry that if I lose HA, will I then miss some important detail that could be serious because I stopped looking for things. I guess this all goes back to us feeling that our worrying actually prevents bad things from happening because we are hyper-vigilant about everything. But as others have said, we with HA focus on little details that most others just glance at and move on. But if you think about it, even people without HA go to doctors when something is wrong. They just have a better handle on symptoms that need to be addressed by doctors, vs the symptoms that are blown out of proportion in our minds. And yes, just because it's easy for me to say, it's not easy for me to do!!! This just shows we all know what we need to be doing (and not doing)...we just have a hard time putting these things into practice, whether it be a chemical imbalance, life experience, or whatever caused this in each of us. We simply get our minds stuck in the mud, and the more we keep worrying and obsessing, the deeper in the rut we get. But that's why I came on this board...for encouragement from others who have been there and can give support!

Meewah

19-06-12, 07:46

Dreamalittledream - Thank you I will definitely take a look at Amazon for this. I love reading and if it helps me as well then its a double bonus.

Sonoma - Very interesting what you said "Your comment about 'the responsibilty is killing me', says it all. I'm not sure why we with HA feel we must be in control of everything, but we do." . I have always felt that I should be in control. I am the male in the household and I know my wife wants me to honour and protect us. Sometimes I feel I am not able to luck after myself and I feel health issues are one thing that money or any other life skills cannot control. May be, Just maybe I am looking at Health anxiety as the cause of my problems where it is being in control that I want the most???

Mee

justina

19-06-12, 09:16

Your comment about 'the responsibilty is killing me', says it all. I'm not sure why we with HA feel we must be in control of everything, but we do. 'Normal' people seem to have a firm grasp on what is out of their control. I think we can all benefit from claiming the 'Serenity prayer' as our own! And I too worry that if I lose HA, will I then miss some important detail that could be serious because I stopped looking for things. I guess this all goes back to us feeling that our worrying actually prevents bad things from happening because we are hyper-vigilant about everything. But as others have said, we with HA focus on little details that most others just glance at and move on. But if you think about it, even people without HA go to doctors when something is wrong. They just have a better handle on symptoms that need to be addressed by doctors, vs the symptoms that are blown out of proportion in our minds. And yes, just because it's easy for me to say, it's not easy for me to do!!! This just shows we all know what we need to be doing (and not doing)...we just have a hard time putting these things into practice, whether it be a chemical imbalance, life experience, or whatever caused this in each of us. We simply get our minds stuck in the mud, and the more we keep worrying and obsessing, the deeper in the rut we get.

This is 100% how I feel too... of course:)

sonoma

19-06-12, 18:29

Mee, I wonder the same about myself (needing to be in control being the true problem). I try to think about the rest of my day to day living...do I need to be in control of all that's going on? At work? At play? Sadly, I think I see a pattern... I was wondering if you are a Christian? (It's ok if you don't answer, I was just tossing out thoughts). I know it is God's calling that the man be the leader of the home. I'm sure that must put tremendous pressure on one who is trying to uphold this. However, only God is in total control. HE tells us not to worry. Now, mind you, I 'know' all of this, but this is where the mind controlling HA comes into play. I know I need to give up the control to God, but my mind won't seem to let me. But I"m trying! I don't know if any of this goes along with your beliefs, but thought I'd toss it out in case it helped with your worries about being the head of the home, and protector. I'm sure your wife doesn't hold you accountable for things such as health issues. Now if you failed to allow her to go to the Dr or take the children, then possibly! But we can't keep doing this to ourselves... I think I try to control things because I don't want to be blind sided by anything bad. So if I'm always in control there will be no surprises. I know this isn't right, but this is where my mind usually is. So now I guess I need to find ways to give up control...

justina

19-06-12, 19:17

macc noodle

19-06-12, 19:35

I am not sure how we can practice exposure therapy on HA in actual fact all of us never want to be exposed to a real health threat. If anyone has a explanation of how we can expose ourselves to HA to remove the sensitivity I am ready to listen.

Mee

Hi there

As a long term HA sufferer plus an abject fear of anything medical - petrified of docs and will avoid tests etc at all costs ....... I can feel your pain.

I had 6 months of CBT last year which was very hard to engage with because of what was asked of me ie., getting rid of avoidance techniques (like your showering in the dark etc), having tests at the docs to get used to being there, undertaking tests like smears and mammograms I had avoided for years, sitting in the docs surgery, visualising dying, visualising being on life support etc etc etc

Under the controlled conditions of CBT and with my therapist I diligently did all the homework and practised all that was asked of me and how do I feel now - 6 months since my last session - well certainly older but wiser? Well no not really ................. I am in a real mess at the moment because I have a second scan on Thursday to see if the ovarian cyst I have has grown and added to that I have so many aches and pains that the Big C fear has returned with avengence and the daily fear that I am only a heartbeat away from collapsing and being taken into hospital..... testing times indeed for me.

I am back to using all my dreaded avoidance techniques and my constant plea bargaining with this greater being who is in control of my destiny - you know the thing "just let me get home safely."

I am gutted that I feel unwell and yet at the same time am unable to face that fact and go and see the doctor for some help - i feel that I am wasting their time and that it is all in my head for 50% of the time but the 0ther 50% I am absolutely terrified that I have a terminal illness with a doom laden outcome.

The contstant prodding and poking, checking and rechecking is driving me insane and something has to give sometime very soon before I completely break down.

Macc Noodle

Meewah

19-06-12, 23:17

sonoma - No I am a complete atheist sorry, I have studied Buddhism for many years and relate to a lot of the teachings. I just feel it is a cultural thing, Men naturally protect in all the animal kingdom. We have the facilities and the ability to protect women and children. I feel this role model is what most women want in a man.

Noodle- Totally relate, What the therapist asked you to do goes against everything we have evolved to do. The reason we are here now is because our ancestors had a fear of death and illness, with this we can avoid certain situations. I studied evolutionary biology for a while also and realised that for the hypothetical rabbit that is too afraid of foxes to leave his burrow he will starve. The very confident rabbit with no fear steps out of his burrow and gets the carrots but ignores the fox and so gets eaten. The one with enough fear to keep his guard but enough confidence to go out and carefully get the carrots while watching everywhere for the fox continues his species and breads and has a number of offspring with the same trait....this cycle continues until the fearful rabbit and the confident rabbit has been removed from the evolutionary story.

With regards to the Big C, I feel everyday is a bonus as any of us could have this and not be aware of it. I get to the point sometimes that I say to myself that I better go to the docs to put my mind at rest as the anxiety is killing me. I also feel that if I feel a skin itch or something if I am still aware of it in two weeks from now then I will also go to the docs. Most Things can be cured if found early enough. My problem is I feel the health service is failing, mainly due to the bad media, If I felt safe in the hands of the NHS then I don't think I would feel like this but the older I get the more cynical I get about doctors and the medical profession. I feel doctors prescribe to get golfing holidays etc. The sales reps incentivise them too much by offering to get them new equipment. It has all become too profit driven. I feel that only I can look after myself and I have to watch myself and the professionals.

Mee

saab

20-06-12, 16:55

One of the major problems that we have is being able to accept uncertainty. I like to plan, be organised, I hate surprises. I struggle to accept uncertainty - I want to be told 100%, unequivicably, total guarantee, that I am not ill in any way shape or form.

No one can give us that guarantee. I have read lots of CBT books and one of the key things is that you have to become more rational about things. That headache could be a tumour, but on balance, it's most probably not. The hundreds of ectopic beats I have every day could be a sign that I am about to drop dead, but the probability is that they are not a sign of anything.

Learning to accept uncertainty, and accepting the doctors' diagnosis that we are ok, is a huge part of overcoming health anxiety. It's not easy to do, but you can practise acceptance by trying not to constantly ask family for reassurance, by not googling etc.

This is an article by Dr Robert Leahy who wrote a good book called
The Worry Cure:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-files/200809/second-week-accepting-uncertainty-end-your-worries