Worries about son's development are actually sending me mad

[cattia]

I ma just so upset and worried with this fear about my son. He is one and I am convinced that he is going to turn out to have autism. I have stupidly read so much stuff about it on google and got myself into a state about it. The main things I am worried about are that he points with his whole hand instead of his index finger, and he also likes things that are the same, so for example he will carry arond two blocks, or two books from the same set, or two toy cars etc etc. Both these are things that I have read are signs of autism.
He is a very happy, smiley little boy. He makes good eye contaact, smiles at people, laughs a lot and joins in with games but I just can't get this hysterical fear out of my head. I have visions of him being a child who can't talk to anyone and will be trapped in his own world and never able to lead a normal life. I have a daughter too who is two and a half and I had the same worries about her, but I think it was less extreme because she never displayed these signs and she was a very early talker so I knew quite quickly that she was going to have no social issues.
I know this is irrational, because obvioulsy if he does turn out to be autistic it isn't like I won't love him as much, but I just feel sick thinking about it and worrying that we won't be able to communicate with him and his behaviour will be unmanagalbe and I won't be able to cope with it.
I don't know whether to take him to the Dr about my worries or whether he will just think I am even more of a nut job than he does already. I think worrying about my little man is even worse than the numerous HA worries I have had about myself, because I feel even more out of control and sad, and also guilty for worrying about it, basically I feel like a rubbish mother :(

[cattia]

Wow, 52 people have read this and not one can relate. Guess I must be a real nut job even in the HA world :winks:

[cassy1989]

Hi Cattia.

Firstly, have you spoken to a health professional, like your health visitor, about your worries?
I'm no health professional but I don't think it sounds like your son is autistic.
My step-brother is autistic and he has always been obsessed with certain things. He goes through phases of being obsessed with things. Some times its boots, some times its taxi, some times its even a person who he hardly knows!
All children get a little obsessed with certain things. My son was completely obsessed with a toy washing machine when he was little. He would break its door off over and over again and cry that it was 'buddared' (broken lol) and get us to fix it and then break it again.
This would go on for a good few hours at a time! It was madness! But my son is not autistic.
I know a lot of children who like to carry two things at once. My little boy does even now he is 6 and he always says one for each hand lol.
As for the pointing with his whole hand, it could just be one of his unique little quirks. Just keep encouraging him to point with one finger every time he does it.

As he smiles and laughs, makes good eye contact, I really wouldn't think he was autistic and even if he was it would only be slight because of how well he communicates.

As parents we will always worry. I went through a phase of being completely obsessed that my son had a brain tumour because the flash looked funny on one of his eyes but the optician checked him over and said he was fine and it turned out it really was just how the lighting had worked out.

You aren't a rubbish mum at all, far from it by the sounds of things and I really do think you need to speak to your doctor for your own peace of mind xx

[cattia]

Thank you so much Casey, you know when I talk about these fears to my family they're like 'ummm, he is the least autistic child there is....' So I know other people see him as very social, but you know how it is when an obsession has a grip on you, you just discount the positives and focus on the things you're fixated on. I think I will see how he goes over the next couple of months then take him to the health visitor as I think they will just tell me it's too early to say if I take him now. I know my older toddler is very obsessive about certain things but I am also sure she isn't autistic so I know you're right about toddler behaviour being weird! I just wish I could find a way to overcome this obsession as I feel it is unfair on my son to be analysed like this all the time by his own mother, the one person who is meant to love and accept him no matter what. But your reply has helped me a lot, so thank you xx

[Darwin73]

Hi Cattia
As the parent of a youngster with ASD, I would say that if you are concerned about your son's development you should see your GP and ask to be referred to a developmental paediatrician (don't leave it to a health visitor). However, I would also like to stress that there is nothing you have said about your son that has rung any bells for me. Also, it is worth bearing in mind that Autism is a spectrum disorder, and many people with this diagnosis are able to communicate and do not have unmanageable behaviour. Please do not stress over this - your little boy is still very young and sounds great to me :)

[Janeeey]

hi Cattia - I had to reply to this as I was basically you a few years ago! Pre pregnancy I never worried about health and then from literally the point of pregnancy test I started to worry and never stopped! My main obsession and I mean obsession was that my son was autistic (he wasn't!). I spent hours and hours on the internet and reading up on 'tests' to tell you if they were or not - like you I then felt so guilty as of course I would love him no matter what. My family thought I was crazy as he had no real signs - my obsession was that he never clapped.

It ended up with me being very ill - I basically had bad post natal anxiety but I never got help for it - my husband ended up losing his job as I would ring him constantly to come home - he was amazingly supportive.

Fortuntaely for me I just stopped worrying about it and of course I realised he was fine - unfortunately not long after I started having problems with my periods so I just transferred my anxiety onto me but that is another story!

I regret so much the lost time I had over that year or so that I should have just enjoyed with my beautiful son (no matter whether he had it or not!) - but I realise mainly that I was ill and I needed help and I wish so much that I had gotten counselling and medication then - not saying you need this but please do get some help.

I am quite certain your son is fine - none of what you say sounds like a sign. Remember that one 'sign' is often lining up things - of course all boys I know line cars up when they are young - mine are included so many 'signs' are also totally normal. Do talk to your health visitor (if they aren't good find another) not because there is anything wrong but they know the signs and can reassure you - one day my turned up and just said 'oh clapping is not a milestone' - I just thought wow wish I had asked that a year ago!

I do hope you start to feel better - I think having a child is such a major change and I suspect that many many women go through similar things.

Your little boy sounds lovely so do enjoy him :) xx

[cattia]

Thanks so much for the replies. Janeey, I can't tell you what a relief it is to talk to someone who has been through the exact same thing. I feel that nobody can really understand what it's like, but reading your post I can tell that you went through the same thing.
I think I ought to take him to the Dr but I am too scared in case they say that he really does have autism and then my fears will become real, if that makes sense.
I know that I have an anxiety issue. I have had HA most of my life and I know that my thinking and obsessing are the result of my anxiety, even though this fear is very real and very terrible for me.
I have been on medication in the past for my anxiety and it did help. My husband and I would both like a third baby and if I go back on it now, it means we can't try for another one. On the other hand, I don't honestly know if I could cope with going through this anxiety again,and also I think what if my fears come true and he does turn out to be autistic, then adding another child into the mix might be a really bad idea. The other [art of me thinks that it would be a shame to give up on our desire for another child just because of my anxiety, that way I have let it dictate to me what I can and can't do.
I am afraid that my son is going to suffer emotionally because I analyse everything that he does, I worry that if there is something wrong with him, it might be my fault. My daughter suffers too,because I am so fixated on watching everything that he does, that I don't give her enough attention.
Thank you so much for your post, it really has helped a lot.

[Janeeey]

Hi Cattia I am so pleased I could help a bit - I do completly understand where you are coming from and of course whilst we know its irrational the fear is 100% real. I don't think you need to take him to the Dr but the health visitor I feel will give you the peace of mind you need.

This whole HA has affected me so much that i have never been able to have another child and I too fear that I will go back to where I was before (I absolutely worry that now I am 37 almost there are more risks for the baby etc) and because of gynae issues I have had a sex fear for a long time.

HA is so horrible and I can't believe how it has changed my life. But i know I am a good mum as you obviously are - our fear comes from love, we just need to find a better balance from it!

Why not see your GP for yourself to see if they can help at all - some meds can be taken when trying for a baby or maybe some counselling again can help and no need for meds. I do hope you feel better soon - I guess one thing re autism fear is that it simply can't last forever as of course in the end you know 100% that they don't have it - this is kindof what happened for me, though please do seek help before that so you can enjoy yourself xxx