Anxiety being with my wife - should we split?

[alfie156]

Hi all,

I am 44, been married for 18 years and am suffering fairly severe anxiety whenever I am with my wife, especially at night. I have negative thoughts about her and whenever I am away for a few nights, the anxiety leaves me. Has anyone else felt like this - have I fallen out of love? should we split?

Some background.

We do not have children despite trying for many many years through IVF etc etc. We have a surrogate option on hand but I cannot bring myself to press the button while in this state of mind.

Our lives have been complicated over the last few years with me living in 7 different 'homes' over the last 4 years. I have had 5 different jobs in this time (4 with the same company). They have all been progressive and I am now a VP for a successful company based in UK. My wife works and we are very financially secure.

I worked in Russia for the last 2 years while my wife worked in London. My anxiety started when I came back for my monthly trips maybe even before I took on that role. I left the company I had worked for 14 years to come back to the UK and try to sort things out but now my anxiety has kicked into high gear and to be honest it is the first time, I really realised I suffered from anxiety.


I have been staying with my parents this week and after 1 day, my anxiety left me as I was once again focused on work and busy out with friends and colleaugues (this is exactly what happened whenever I headed back to Russia). It is now Friday and the thought of going home has set my anxiety off again. The recurring questions are should I stay with
my wife, is it even possible for me to go through with surrogacy, what
will happen if I split with her, will I ever have children, am I
getting too old and should I move on and forget about children, would
my anxiety leave me if we wet through with surrogacy, how would
someone else fit in with my hectic work life, all doubts and fears
which I am not addressing but the biggest one is that I know my
anxiety would disapear in an instant if I was to make the decision and
left my wife......I think I have driven myself to believe that it is the
only option but cannot bring myself to take action.

I know now that anxiety has alwas been part of my issues - this in
itself has been a discovery as I never recognised what was wrong
before. Now I need to understand what my true feelings are as I am now
concerned that I make the wrong decisions based on that rather than
what I truley need or want.

A lot more to my story but would appreciate some advise and encouragement.

A

[nomorepanic]

Hi alfie156

We just wanted to welcome you aboard to NMP. We hope you enjoy your stay here and get all the support and advice you need.

Please take some time to read the website articles on the left as well for loads of advice and tips.

[gabrielle37]

Hi Alfie, thank you for sharing your story, i would say don;t make any decisions until you are feeling well. anxiety plays a lot of tricks on us and we over think things too much. you need to get better and then make the important decisions. wishing you all the best , Lesley x

[Chris24]

Hi Alfie, I agree with Gabrielle never make decisions when your in a state of anxiety as your convinced it the right one to make at the time yet may then live to regret it. I can understand your story, been through similar also with ivf. You have to look at what your root problem is, is it actually your wife or is it everything surrounding the ivf that you negatively associate with your wife? Let us know how you get on.

[Chegsy]

Hi I agree with the above. anxiety is like a fog you can really see through making it difficult to decide which road to take. Treat the anxiety try and do some deep thinking and establish the true cause of the anxiety. One thing is for sure, if you leave your wife when experiencing this your anxiety will pick something else making you avoid that and then some thing else so on and so forth. Try not to avoid the cause of anxiety. I agree with Christ is the anxiety more about the situation than your relationship with your wife.

Best of luck mate

[alfie156]

Thanks for the encouragement. There is no doubt that it is the situation but my drive to have a genetic family is all absorbing and getting someone to be able to deliver that is certainly the underlying cause. All I see in my wife now is negative points despite her being loyal, loving, supportive......I am having some therapy sessions at the moment and going to see my GP on Monday to try and get some more help. I think this site and the community here will also help me.

[Veronica H]

......I know now that anxiety has alwas been part of my issues - this in
itself has been a discovery as I never recognised what was wrong
before. Now I need to understand what my true feelings are as I am now
concerned that I make the wrong decisions based on that rather than
what I truley need or want.......I think you should take a step back from any major decisions including the surrogacy, until your nerves have recovered Alfie. Have you seen your GP about the anxiety? This would be a good starting point. :bighug1:Vx

[alfie156]

Seeing my GP on Monday and have started seeing a therapist. It is certainly an awakening))

[Zingything]

I would suggest taking a break, with your wife. A long weekend, away from the pressures or everyday life where you can talk, have some fun and maybe reach a few decisions about where to go from there.
Try and remember the reasons why you are together in the first place, the small things that you love about her and your relationship, the things that you take for granted now perhaps. I'd go back to basics and build up your relationship again and if that means no surrogacy then that's the way it has to be, it's not the end of the world, it's just not perfection.
I wish you the very best of luck, and please please don't leave your wife until you have tried everything and you are well, you may regret it. :hugs: