belleville
02-07-12, 09:24
Hi guys,
I've not posted here for a while as I've not really had a great deal to say! I've just been dragging on through life, with low-level anxiety, nothing to write home about in particular.
But at the start of this year, I got a new job in the centre of a large city, had to move out of my parents' home, and into a home of my own. I'm really enjoying living alone, although it does get a little bit lonely every so often as I don't yet know anyone in my new town. (But I do have really fast internet, so who needs friends?! :D) I chose to move to a small town about 10 miles from the city, as I really dislike cities. I wouldn't have taken a job in a city centre at all, but the economic situation means I'd be foolish not to take up an offer of employment.
So I've been travelling to work and back by train for six months, which has been the cause of minor anxiety--you never know if you're going to get a seat, for instance, and the timetable is irregular which means missing a train causes an hour's wait for the next one. And when the train is cancelled, it turns my world upside down, I find myself stranded at work as they never put on any replacement services. I decided, in the end, to stretch my budget and get a small car.
BIG mistake. I just can't get to work by car. I figured that the best way of doing it was to use a park-and-ride, drive to the car park on the edge of the city and take a short bus/train ride the rest of the way. It just doesn't work. There are no spaces, the traffic is a nightmare, it's so slow getting there, and the train from home is actually better. I just can't drive at all anymore--I've had a six month break from it, and now I find myself just sitting behind the wheel literally screaming at myself. This morning, I drove part of the way to work and came home again because I couldn't cope. I'm trembling and shaken, and I can't seem to calm down. I've got to get the train shortly, but I feel like I've just failed, and I'll never be properly independent, I'll always be relying on unreliable public transport to get myself around because I can't cope with driving.
More to the point, I can't cope with working in the big city. I wouldn't have taken the job if it wasn't for the recession. I'd have kept looking for something else, but you can't do that any more. City life is just one big bunfight, queues for everything, people shoving each other out of the way, it's all just a huge fight because too many people are shoved into a small space. Why my office has to be slap-bang in the city centre is beyond me, we're an internet company and do all our work online. We could be based in Shetland and it would make no difference. I started out doing really well, but now I'm frankly terrible at my job because of where it is, and the anxiety caused by getting in and out of the city every day, and the crowds and noise while I'm there. I just can't cope, I'm frequently late, and when I do turn up I can't concentrate on my work.
I don't have access to a GP who can help, the GP in my small town is useless (last time I went to see him, he was 45 minutes late for work and then saw me for about thirty seconds before ushering me out with a "pull yourself together" because he wanted to see his next patient). So I'm reduced to self-help. My game plan for the year is to try and find another job, outside a city. I pretty much have the run of the UK as I have no ties where I live, so that should make things marginally easier.
Sorry for the long post, it's been a long time. I hope someone reads this lot. Help? :(
I've not posted here for a while as I've not really had a great deal to say! I've just been dragging on through life, with low-level anxiety, nothing to write home about in particular.
But at the start of this year, I got a new job in the centre of a large city, had to move out of my parents' home, and into a home of my own. I'm really enjoying living alone, although it does get a little bit lonely every so often as I don't yet know anyone in my new town. (But I do have really fast internet, so who needs friends?! :D) I chose to move to a small town about 10 miles from the city, as I really dislike cities. I wouldn't have taken a job in a city centre at all, but the economic situation means I'd be foolish not to take up an offer of employment.
So I've been travelling to work and back by train for six months, which has been the cause of minor anxiety--you never know if you're going to get a seat, for instance, and the timetable is irregular which means missing a train causes an hour's wait for the next one. And when the train is cancelled, it turns my world upside down, I find myself stranded at work as they never put on any replacement services. I decided, in the end, to stretch my budget and get a small car.
BIG mistake. I just can't get to work by car. I figured that the best way of doing it was to use a park-and-ride, drive to the car park on the edge of the city and take a short bus/train ride the rest of the way. It just doesn't work. There are no spaces, the traffic is a nightmare, it's so slow getting there, and the train from home is actually better. I just can't drive at all anymore--I've had a six month break from it, and now I find myself just sitting behind the wheel literally screaming at myself. This morning, I drove part of the way to work and came home again because I couldn't cope. I'm trembling and shaken, and I can't seem to calm down. I've got to get the train shortly, but I feel like I've just failed, and I'll never be properly independent, I'll always be relying on unreliable public transport to get myself around because I can't cope with driving.
More to the point, I can't cope with working in the big city. I wouldn't have taken the job if it wasn't for the recession. I'd have kept looking for something else, but you can't do that any more. City life is just one big bunfight, queues for everything, people shoving each other out of the way, it's all just a huge fight because too many people are shoved into a small space. Why my office has to be slap-bang in the city centre is beyond me, we're an internet company and do all our work online. We could be based in Shetland and it would make no difference. I started out doing really well, but now I'm frankly terrible at my job because of where it is, and the anxiety caused by getting in and out of the city every day, and the crowds and noise while I'm there. I just can't cope, I'm frequently late, and when I do turn up I can't concentrate on my work.
I don't have access to a GP who can help, the GP in my small town is useless (last time I went to see him, he was 45 minutes late for work and then saw me for about thirty seconds before ushering me out with a "pull yourself together" because he wanted to see his next patient). So I'm reduced to self-help. My game plan for the year is to try and find another job, outside a city. I pretty much have the run of the UK as I have no ties where I live, so that should make things marginally easier.
Sorry for the long post, it's been a long time. I hope someone reads this lot. Help? :(