I Can't Cope Anymore

[Jimmyboy]

Well, I've purposefully not been on here for several months as (please don't take this wrong way) reading about other peoples misfotune really wasn't helping me.

I don't expect any of you remember me, so a quick recap is basically I have severe anxiety and depression, as well as OCD, IBS and probably some other stuff tbh.

Anyway, my problems weren't helped over the last year as it really hasn't been a good one, with losing family members and various change of situations. However despite all that, in around March I was starting to feel (slightly) better and become more social........but at some point I've gone back the other way.

I don't really have anything to live for, I don't like anything, I have absolutely nothing to look forward to, and I just generally hate my life. But as if that wasn't enough, I never get any rest from bad things happening, things going wrong etc. I'm always messing up something, and due to various problems (both physical and mental) I'll never lead a normal life....I can't do 'normal' things, I've never had a girlfriend or a social life, and I feel I'll never be able to do a full time job. I had to quit my p/t one due to anxiety and missed a lot of college (although I have now finished and passed my course). But the job thing is getting to me as I know I need a job to live, yet I'm scared I can't do one, and I can't cope with that anymore.

One of my worst problems is health though, I really cannot stand being ill, even a headache brings on a panic attack at the thought I might have some bad illness which would need treatment. Infact I think it's the treatment I'm scared of more than the actual illness itself. I'm always panicking about a new spot or a new pain even though they're more than likely nothing.

I know this sounds pathetic from a 20 year old lad, which is why I can't tell anyone in the 'real' world about it, not that they'd understand anyway.

But I have felt like this for at least 7 years now, and I can't see any way its gonna change. I'm not gonna kill myself - too scared I'll mess up and just end up injured needing treatment - but I feel the best thing that could happen to myself would be to die in my sleep, painlessly of course. When I suggested this to someone with similar problems though, they said I was just being ridiculous and that 'that' is never the answer.

Now I simply don't know what to do, I don't even know what I want to people to suggest from this post. These feelings and thoughts can't be changed by a few pills or a few words from a doctor. And I physically can't cope with life anymore, I'm not even sure how I've made it this far.

I hope getting this off my chest may change something, but I doubt it.

Jimmy

[xxcessxx]

hey undestand completey how u feel i feel same everyday and struggle to cope it not nice ino i have nothing to live for so your not alone ams only 23 n it makes me wanna cry.

[BobbyDog]

Looks like 2 steps forwards and 1 step back.
I understand as I have GAD/SA/PD/Depression and my 15 year old son also has panic attacks.

Under the circumstances you have done very well to complete your college course.
My son has missed a lot of school because of anxiety and he starts college in a couple of months, it will be a struggle, but he has my full support and attention.

Is there a member of your family that you can talk to about your health problems, I know from experience that if you have not suffered from anxiety you will find it hard to understand, you cannon see it like a broken leg.

Take small steps, perhaps gain more qualifications via the internet, or a part time job.
Try and get some physical exercise, walking is good for clearing your head.

[Zingything]

I'm not going to give you a long winded response on the ins and outs of my mental health or experience, but I will say that you are obviously feeling very desperate and alone right now and in my opinion if you can't or haven't got any family or friends that you can speak to, and if you haven't already done so, you need to bite the bullet and get yourself into the 'system' by seeing your GP or going to the hospital A&E to see the crisis team.
It is worth a try and yes it will be very hard and initially you are likely to feel more anxiety by doing this, but there is help out there, maybe pills, maybe therapy, who knows what you might get out of it, but you have to tell someone. Even print out the post you wrote above and show it to someone.
I too think you have done extremely well by completing your college course and also coming on here and letting people know what you are going through, so you have already proved you can do it, be really brave and take the step and don't give up.
I wish you all the luck in the world, take care.

Zingy :hugs: xx

[theharvestmouse]

The bad thing is with combating anxiety is that you have to keep up the momentum and that is so hard. You have to keep doing things that make you life more positive, that is the only way to improve the future. I've been on a roller coaster the past 6 months, from wanting to kill myself to seeing hope again. LIke you though I have stopped doing the things that were making me improve my life.

[Jimmyboy]

Thanks all. :)

Unfortunately you're correct in that I don't have anyone to talk about this with. And I think that's probably what makes this even more difficult as my family don't know about (they don't understand anyway, my ocd is very obvious and I'm just told to get over it a lot) and the few mates I do have wouldn't feel close enough or comfortable enough to talk about this.

I'm also surprised I completed the course and gained the highest possible mark....but this was a goal to aim for which gave me motivation at the time.

I do spend a lot of time outside in fresh air, not walking, but gardening and fixing/valeting cars which I used to like doing but now have lost motivation for this too.

Also I hate doctors (anything medical tbh) but after peer pressure from another forum, I did make a doctors appointment.....however it didn't work out well, and I can't face going back, not that it helped the firsttime anyway.

I have relaxed a bit since writing the first post, and I've got a few things lined up for the rest of the week so at least gives me a reason to get out of bed.

Thanks again,
Jimmy.