John33
07-07-12, 09:28
This is my first post here. I plan to tell you my life in a few or more paragraphs. Guys, I’ve just received some news that has changed my life forever. Why do I feel like I need to write this all out? Because I’ve been plagued with anxiety for 13 years and now is enough.
I urge you to take the time to read this, I hope this will be the most inspirational read yet and you will take away so much and relate to this. This is my story …
I was a young healthy lad, 13 and full of life; very active, no worries and generally full of life.
My parents told me I had a heart murmur. I wasn't too sure what this was and as a kid, didn't seem to phase me much; life went on, or at least I thought it did.
One day my friends and I decided to play football on one hot summer night. The ball got kicked way way up the field and me being me loved to run and sprint (was the fastest runner at my class). So, I dashed after the ball but slowly stopped, thing's didn't seem right. I fell to the ground as my whole world spun around me, faster and faster. I lay there on the ground and remember crying and thinking "this is it, I'm really going to die here in-front of my friends". Well, from that day forward, my life changed and for the next 11 years was to become a victim to a very deliberating health anxiety that would control almost all aspects of my life.
My parents too me to the doctors the next morning to which they assured me I had hyperventilated. They also mentioned the murmur too and this is what started it all. I now had a reason to worry, what was this murmur they were talking about? whats wrong with my heart? Am I going to die or need medical attention?
Months past where I remember endlessly looking at the ceiling in my room crying and thinking that there was something wrong with me and that this would happen again and that I was no longer like everyone else.
I was sent to hospital for an ECG which showed I had an elevated heartbeat; probably due to anxiety however they weren't convinced so ordered a 24hr ECG to which I had to wear at school too. I lost count of the ECG's I had and finally they decided to try me on beta-blockers; propranolol (a medication that slows heart rate by blocking certain chemicals such as adrenaline and taking away some of the strain). They made me far worse I remember feeling ill. This went on for some time and my worry grew and grew.
I was finally referred to a psychologist, Mr Pickles was his name :) Great chap. I felt some relief after the 4 months of CBT treatment. What I wasn't expecting was that things were far from better, this was just the beginning.
I developed a fear of running around and playing sports due to my previous incident and then grew into a fear of going out the house due to having to walk about and kept thinking "if my heart rate gets too high I may die". This caused me to become very anti-social and this became the next 5 or so years of my life. I had a very rough child hood too to which I wont go into detail here.
As I grew anti-social I grew to stay at home and even didn't go to school in fear I collapsed or became ill and very very often made up excuses to go home or just get out of school so I could be back in my room; the only place I felt safe.
I plummeted quickly into depression although, didn't realize it at the time. I would have days, even weeks on end where I would cry in my room thinking about how my life was ending and that I was dying. My life was empty and had no dreams or aspirations as I was convinced I was dying.
The Dr suggested I try Citalopram; an anti-depressant. This again made me worse and stopped the medication. I then made one mistake that again made the rest of my life a misery and health anxiety a lot worse.
Google became my friend and then quickly my enemy. I used to Google all of my symptoms in hope that I would find out what was wrong with me and why I felt dizzy 24/7. Almost like I was walking on a giant mattress or that I was slightly drunk. Google came back with things like Brain tumors, brain aneurysm, cancer and all sorts. From that moment on my anxiety took another turn. I was convinced I had everything I was reading about on line. Ill come back to this in more detail in a moment as this was the biggest part of my struggle.
So up until now I was around 18 maybe and went a further 2 years at a new school and trying to find a job. I decided that I had to get out the house and something to occupy my mind that I had learned from my psychologist. Slowly, I began taking part in martial arts, boxing, cycling and all sorts. I even tried playing football again but over years this happened. One day I would start off walking then gradually I would be jogging and before I knew it months had passed and I was doing it, was out the house and involved sports and getting out there. I can say that this chapter of my anxiety had closed. The fear of playing sports and getting out the house had almost gone completely; I could finally move on. Then the next new wave of anxiety hit.
I was then plagued by thoughts that I had more illnesses and not just heart worry. What I had originally typed into Google got me thinking about other stuff and what if something was really wrong but no one knew about?
I've spend so many days in A&E due to anxiety and trying to convince people I was ill but they just shrugged it off. I would seek so many doctor opinions and pay for specialist treatment trying to find answers, answers that I never got. I would constantly seek reassurance and seek the need to be comforted and ask 100s of questions to doctors to feel better only to go home and Google things to find out they may have missed something and I was believing Google over my own doctors. This fueled my anxiety to new heights. Ill try cut to the chase now I've given some in depth stuff :)
My granddad had been diagnosed with stomach cancer 2 years ago, I was then convinced I had stomach cancer ... beyond words I really did believe it. I had acid reflux every day, bloating and all sorts. Dr said it was GERD and gave me lansoprazole medication to lower acid secretion. I wasn't convinced and went to my Doctor again and demanded to see a gastroenterologist who agreed to carry out an Endoscopy. Before the procedure I spent hours convincing myself that it was cancer of the stomach and even planned how I would deal with this news. You see, anxiety leads us to live a quality of life as if we actually had the illness itself. Its heartbreaking, it really is.
Anyway, results came back normal and GERD was the diagnosis so to this day still on Lansoprazole; they work for me but I can honestly say I thought that was game over for me.
I felt relief for a few months, until I started getting headaches. I was now convinced I had a brain tumor. My mum also said my uncle died of a brain aneurysm and that was it. My anxiety blew up and I was definitively dying this time!! This is what I had and this horror went on for 5 months. Daily headaches, stiff neck, stiff shoulders and shooting pains in my head without warning. I would not go out again in fear of something rupturing and me dying and many of times had to come home just because it got so bad. Doctor said its nothing more than tension build up and I need to relax and stop using google. Again I brushed this off and one day after the gym I lost vision in my left eye. That was it, I was straight to A&E as I knew that brain tumors affected vision. They sent me to ophthalmology who concluded this was migraine and no further treatment was needed. I was not convinced and demanded to see a neurologist who tried to calm me and say there was nothing wrong, again I believed, really really believed I had brain cancer or something and he ordered a scan. I attended the scan yesterday .....and waled out almost broke down as I came to a realization that anxiety has got me to this stage and really is destroying my life! I walked out of the hospital but was offered a cancellation if I changed my mind.....
Let me say that Anxiety has ruined so many years of my life trust me on that. If you let it eat you up and worry you it will over come you and you will be living in shadows rather that living your life. You're preparing to dye rather than living what is a wonderful gift. I have missed out so much here on other events such as relationship breakups due to my constant worry, depression, job interference and hell and the role anxiety plays on you and how real it can feel.
I went back to the hospital for my scan. I had a head MRI scan. I was scared of what they may find but I can honestly say the procedure itself is simple, I made it out to be so much worse by reading up on how MRI works. There is nothing to it. I lay back and listened to Queen for 30 minutes lol :) All done, no ill effects, no headaches, no dizzy feeling no nothing. Just a sense of relief. My results came back normal this morning!! :) An email from my neurologist confirming a one liner email "Normal scan" .....
I am so please but at the same time made me realize, life is short. I'm now 24 and spent so many years in and out of hospital and seen so many doctors. You know what? Anxiety has had so much time and stolen so many years of my life. Well, anxiety its time for you to F**k off and for me to start living my life again and to experience the world fear free.
Please, don't let it rule you. I did, for years and it really will take over you until the point you become obsessed with your health and believe no one.
Please email me if you need any support or help or even have questions as I would hate for anyone to go through through this mess. I will help in any way that I can. There is so much I have missed out but wanted to keep it quite short ... well, kind of :)
This for me was my way out, there is no going back now; I have a life to live!
John
I urge you to take the time to read this, I hope this will be the most inspirational read yet and you will take away so much and relate to this. This is my story …
I was a young healthy lad, 13 and full of life; very active, no worries and generally full of life.
My parents told me I had a heart murmur. I wasn't too sure what this was and as a kid, didn't seem to phase me much; life went on, or at least I thought it did.
One day my friends and I decided to play football on one hot summer night. The ball got kicked way way up the field and me being me loved to run and sprint (was the fastest runner at my class). So, I dashed after the ball but slowly stopped, thing's didn't seem right. I fell to the ground as my whole world spun around me, faster and faster. I lay there on the ground and remember crying and thinking "this is it, I'm really going to die here in-front of my friends". Well, from that day forward, my life changed and for the next 11 years was to become a victim to a very deliberating health anxiety that would control almost all aspects of my life.
My parents too me to the doctors the next morning to which they assured me I had hyperventilated. They also mentioned the murmur too and this is what started it all. I now had a reason to worry, what was this murmur they were talking about? whats wrong with my heart? Am I going to die or need medical attention?
Months past where I remember endlessly looking at the ceiling in my room crying and thinking that there was something wrong with me and that this would happen again and that I was no longer like everyone else.
I was sent to hospital for an ECG which showed I had an elevated heartbeat; probably due to anxiety however they weren't convinced so ordered a 24hr ECG to which I had to wear at school too. I lost count of the ECG's I had and finally they decided to try me on beta-blockers; propranolol (a medication that slows heart rate by blocking certain chemicals such as adrenaline and taking away some of the strain). They made me far worse I remember feeling ill. This went on for some time and my worry grew and grew.
I was finally referred to a psychologist, Mr Pickles was his name :) Great chap. I felt some relief after the 4 months of CBT treatment. What I wasn't expecting was that things were far from better, this was just the beginning.
I developed a fear of running around and playing sports due to my previous incident and then grew into a fear of going out the house due to having to walk about and kept thinking "if my heart rate gets too high I may die". This caused me to become very anti-social and this became the next 5 or so years of my life. I had a very rough child hood too to which I wont go into detail here.
As I grew anti-social I grew to stay at home and even didn't go to school in fear I collapsed or became ill and very very often made up excuses to go home or just get out of school so I could be back in my room; the only place I felt safe.
I plummeted quickly into depression although, didn't realize it at the time. I would have days, even weeks on end where I would cry in my room thinking about how my life was ending and that I was dying. My life was empty and had no dreams or aspirations as I was convinced I was dying.
The Dr suggested I try Citalopram; an anti-depressant. This again made me worse and stopped the medication. I then made one mistake that again made the rest of my life a misery and health anxiety a lot worse.
Google became my friend and then quickly my enemy. I used to Google all of my symptoms in hope that I would find out what was wrong with me and why I felt dizzy 24/7. Almost like I was walking on a giant mattress or that I was slightly drunk. Google came back with things like Brain tumors, brain aneurysm, cancer and all sorts. From that moment on my anxiety took another turn. I was convinced I had everything I was reading about on line. Ill come back to this in more detail in a moment as this was the biggest part of my struggle.
So up until now I was around 18 maybe and went a further 2 years at a new school and trying to find a job. I decided that I had to get out the house and something to occupy my mind that I had learned from my psychologist. Slowly, I began taking part in martial arts, boxing, cycling and all sorts. I even tried playing football again but over years this happened. One day I would start off walking then gradually I would be jogging and before I knew it months had passed and I was doing it, was out the house and involved sports and getting out there. I can say that this chapter of my anxiety had closed. The fear of playing sports and getting out the house had almost gone completely; I could finally move on. Then the next new wave of anxiety hit.
I was then plagued by thoughts that I had more illnesses and not just heart worry. What I had originally typed into Google got me thinking about other stuff and what if something was really wrong but no one knew about?
I've spend so many days in A&E due to anxiety and trying to convince people I was ill but they just shrugged it off. I would seek so many doctor opinions and pay for specialist treatment trying to find answers, answers that I never got. I would constantly seek reassurance and seek the need to be comforted and ask 100s of questions to doctors to feel better only to go home and Google things to find out they may have missed something and I was believing Google over my own doctors. This fueled my anxiety to new heights. Ill try cut to the chase now I've given some in depth stuff :)
My granddad had been diagnosed with stomach cancer 2 years ago, I was then convinced I had stomach cancer ... beyond words I really did believe it. I had acid reflux every day, bloating and all sorts. Dr said it was GERD and gave me lansoprazole medication to lower acid secretion. I wasn't convinced and went to my Doctor again and demanded to see a gastroenterologist who agreed to carry out an Endoscopy. Before the procedure I spent hours convincing myself that it was cancer of the stomach and even planned how I would deal with this news. You see, anxiety leads us to live a quality of life as if we actually had the illness itself. Its heartbreaking, it really is.
Anyway, results came back normal and GERD was the diagnosis so to this day still on Lansoprazole; they work for me but I can honestly say I thought that was game over for me.
I felt relief for a few months, until I started getting headaches. I was now convinced I had a brain tumor. My mum also said my uncle died of a brain aneurysm and that was it. My anxiety blew up and I was definitively dying this time!! This is what I had and this horror went on for 5 months. Daily headaches, stiff neck, stiff shoulders and shooting pains in my head without warning. I would not go out again in fear of something rupturing and me dying and many of times had to come home just because it got so bad. Doctor said its nothing more than tension build up and I need to relax and stop using google. Again I brushed this off and one day after the gym I lost vision in my left eye. That was it, I was straight to A&E as I knew that brain tumors affected vision. They sent me to ophthalmology who concluded this was migraine and no further treatment was needed. I was not convinced and demanded to see a neurologist who tried to calm me and say there was nothing wrong, again I believed, really really believed I had brain cancer or something and he ordered a scan. I attended the scan yesterday .....and waled out almost broke down as I came to a realization that anxiety has got me to this stage and really is destroying my life! I walked out of the hospital but was offered a cancellation if I changed my mind.....
Let me say that Anxiety has ruined so many years of my life trust me on that. If you let it eat you up and worry you it will over come you and you will be living in shadows rather that living your life. You're preparing to dye rather than living what is a wonderful gift. I have missed out so much here on other events such as relationship breakups due to my constant worry, depression, job interference and hell and the role anxiety plays on you and how real it can feel.
I went back to the hospital for my scan. I had a head MRI scan. I was scared of what they may find but I can honestly say the procedure itself is simple, I made it out to be so much worse by reading up on how MRI works. There is nothing to it. I lay back and listened to Queen for 30 minutes lol :) All done, no ill effects, no headaches, no dizzy feeling no nothing. Just a sense of relief. My results came back normal this morning!! :) An email from my neurologist confirming a one liner email "Normal scan" .....
I am so please but at the same time made me realize, life is short. I'm now 24 and spent so many years in and out of hospital and seen so many doctors. You know what? Anxiety has had so much time and stolen so many years of my life. Well, anxiety its time for you to F**k off and for me to start living my life again and to experience the world fear free.
Please, don't let it rule you. I did, for years and it really will take over you until the point you become obsessed with your health and believe no one.
Please email me if you need any support or help or even have questions as I would hate for anyone to go through through this mess. I will help in any way that I can. There is so much I have missed out but wanted to keep it quite short ... well, kind of :)
This for me was my way out, there is no going back now; I have a life to live!
John